keep getting sucked in.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

this is embarrassing, but i keep allowing myself to get sucked back in. every exchange we have, the shorter his fuse. i lost count at 10 times today that he told me to "stop bugging him" (even though he initiates every conversation) and threatened to turn off his phone because i was "annoying." annoying means i asked a question. another incident today - i mentioned something he said yesterday and he screamed to "stop bringing up the past" 

it is humiliating. why do i keep doing this to myself? why can't i find the strength to walk away?

[pieceofme]

this is embarrassing, but i keep allowing myself to get sucked back in. every exchange we have, the shorter his fuse. i lost count at 10 times today that he told me to "stop bugging him" (even though he initiates every conversation) and threatened to turn off his phone because i was "annoying." annoying means i asked a question. another incident today - i mentioned something he said yesterday and he screamed to "stop bringing up the past" 

it is humiliating. why do i keep doing this to myself? why can't i find the strength to walk away?

[woofhound]

I don't know, girl... .

What you said about the fuse growing ever shorter... .that's exactly my situation. At first I think we went 7 or 8 months. The latest was a few days. Crazy.

You need a distraction.

[pieceofme]

he can't even make it half an hour! it blows my mind that me asking a question (innocently, as i'm obviously walking on eggshells) triggers such rage and hatred and an instant disconnect where he threatens to cut off all communication. i don't understand how that is an acceptable reaction.

i will have a distraction the next few days. tomorrow i am traveling to phoenix, where we had planned to move together, to undo the move and start bringing my stuff back to my hometown. pretty bad distraction, but at least it will keep me busy.

[woofhound]

I could never look at my relationship this way when I was in the midst of it, but now I realize that the whole thing was nothing more than a power struggle. The whole thing was just a way for her to keep control over her environment and have everything she wanted. I was willing to accept anything she did just to be with her. Its not that way anymore. Now, I care about what i'm doing. I reenrolled in college, work very hard, play guitar, visit friends... .and I have no one to answer too nor do I have to worry about what I say to her... .

Be strong. Cheesy? Yes. True? Yes.

That's what this whole board is about to people like you and me.

[Mutt]

It's going to be a little tough in Phoenix pieceofme because this is raw

How do you communicate? Calls, text, e-mail?

[myself]

he told me to "stop bugging him" (even though he initiates every conversation) and threatened to turn off his phone because i was "annoying." annoying means i asked a question.

why do i keep doing this to myself? why can't i find the strength to walk away?

He initiates, but you answer. Maybe that's the first step: Don't Answer.

If he'll stop contacting you because of questions: Ask MANY questions.

When you really honestly look at it, why are you still hooked?

[Rise_Again]

pieceofme,

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Most of us have to go through it a few times before we get out for good. Let's face it, if getting out of a relationship like this was an easy thing to do, none of us would be here right now. Lord knows I've gone back way more times than I care to admit. It's a process, and sometimes we just aren't ready to let go yet. There is nothing wrong with that. Each person has to find their own strength at their own time. You will too.

Stay Strong,

Rise

[patientandclear]

She's hooked because this all just happened. He reversed course on moving together so recently, spent time with his ex out of the blue and said he still wanted to be with her. It's incredibly confusing and POM is so much clearer than I was at the same point, it's remarkable.

POM, apologies if I missed an answer to a similar post I made on another of your threads, but are you definite that you want to be done? He is dysregulated and behaving in defensive (and hurtful and destructive ways). If you don't take them personally, let them roll off, they will probably pass. For the time being. The same impulses will still be there and will be heard from again of course. Which is why the question is really what YOU are wanting to accept, and whether you are done.

[pieceofme]

i am back from phoenix. what an emotional trip. it was hard walking in our home, remembering the few days we spent there together (although he raged most of the time)... .thinking that we would live our life there together.

he knew i was making the trip. yesterday morning he called, as if nothing was wrong... .to ask what i was doing, when i was coming home (home being our hometown). it was very strange to me.

mutt, we primarily communicate via text. we used to talk on the phone more, but less since the breakup. if i ignore him long enough, he'll contact me via instagram direct. if he becomes desperate, he'll create a fake number to text from.

mutt, rise_again and patientandclear, thank you for your kind words. your understanding makes me feel like i'm not losing my mind and reminds me that this isn't my fault, no matter how many times he says it is. [as an aside, the other day he told me he'll always care for me "no matter what i do to him"  ]

myself, i'm not sure why i'm still "hooked." my brain knows we shouldn't be together, that he is abusive, that he has cost me $10,000 by backing out of our move, etc. but my foolish heart still hopes.

patientandclear, i am not definite that i want to be done, but he has made clear he doesn't want to be with me. i am willing to work on our relationship and support him in getting the help he needs, but that's not really an option at this point. as far as i can tell, he still wants to sleep with me (on his terms), talk to me (on his terms), still wants my help running and marketing his business, but apparently wants to keep his ex in the picture (even though he adamantly denies he's with her, i am certain that's not the case). that arrangement isn't acceptable to me.

[enlighten me]

One thing that caught my attention was the that's in the past comment. My exgf keeps on saying about things being in the past and we have to move on. She does this after she has raised the subject and I have countered her with another thing she said or did.

It is obvious to me that my ex has done things while we were together and the whole forget about the past thing is a convenient way of her not having to face up to them.

[pieceofme]

the "stop bringing up the past" comment is strange to me, because it's almost as if he winces saying it... .as if thinking about "the past" is too painful or uncomfortable to deal with. even if the past is only yesterday and all i said was, "yesterday you said you missed me." STOP BRINGING UP THE PAST   i'll never understand.

[woofhound]

maybe because BPDs aren't capable of constancy... ? maybe because they realize that they cannot live up to what they have done or said, be it good or bad, in the past, because they know that they constantly have to change their way of thinking to best fit themselves for every scenario... .?

[Mutt]

the "stop bringing up the past" comment is strange to me, because it's almost as if he winces saying it... .as if thinking about "the past" is too painful or uncomfortable to deal with. even if the past is only yesterday and all i said was, "yesterday you said you missed me." STOP BRINGING UP THE PAST   i'll never understand.

Emotional amnesia. A quote from Gunderson.

Something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline. In the same sense of constancy borderlines have "emotional amnesia", they are so completely in each mood, they have great difficulty conceptualizing, remembering what it's like to be in another mood.

[pieceofme]

woofhound & mutt, i always thought it was an incapability of truth, but viewing it as object constancy makes more sense. thank you for providing that clarity.

the past few days, i've been scratching my head over several comments. the first last week when he said "[his ex's name] is right, you can't give me the future i deserve." (hearing this was heartbreaking, to say the least.) earlier this week, he said i made it "seem" like i was ready to move and get married and have babies and that "pushed him away." i was confused by the conflicting statements, but understand (for lack of a better word) the contradiction when looking at it in terms of emotional amnesia.

ps- i have not heard from him today, so i have almost completed NC Day 1 for the millionth time.