What are the positive things that have resulted from your BPD relationship?

[biglearningcurve]

For me the best thing has been that I started getting therapy and taking a really good look at myself.

I have come along way in the past 12 months, both good and bad, but heading in the right direction.

I am more grateful for all the good things in my life which include my health, fitness, family, sobriety, friends ... .

The list is endless.

I have started do things that I never would have with the ex as all time had to be devoted to him.

I see that life is good, even if I am on my own for the rest of my life... .I will be OK 

[Tolou]

Hi, interesting post!

I would have to say learning how to say NO, and realzing that doing what is best for me is okay, and doesn't mean that I letting someone else down etc. 

Secondly, self realizationa and dealing with a lot of things that I had thought I put behind me, but were actually lingering around all along.

Not feeling responsible for other peoples behaviors, choices, actions, or emotions, this includes family as well.

And I would have to say just being more aware of things, that I will and will not accept in my life and knowing how to express that.

The list has more, but those are some of the main things, including knowing my boundaries and making them clear and not allowing anyone to cross them, or if they do, knowing how to approach it.

great post

[Bak86]

Grew closer to my brother. See my friends more often. Started up a company. Got 2 cats.

Life changed quite a bit.

[Ihope2]

I am having to find the real me at last.  I am more than all my compulsive behaviours of the past 45 years.  I am more than the heaviness and sadness that I had been carrying around in my heart.  I am, I think, finally moving past the  type of person I had become: rational, logical, cerebral but so out of touch with emotion and spirituality. 

I am searching for new meaning.  I am seeing through different lenses now, my old filters no longer serve me.

I am on a quest for something different now, I don't want to repeat the same old compulsive patterns of my past, that led me nowhere except to heartache and disappointment. 

The world hasn't changed, it is still full of pain and imperfection and cruelty and inequality.  But I can change my view on things and not dwell on things that do not serve me or anyone else.

I owe a debt of gratitude towards my exBPDh, meeting him and then letting him go has brought about a sea change in me.

[Infared]

After reading some of the responses here... .I will have to say that I learned something very valuable from the pain and heartache that I endured with my pwBPD. I am able set clear, healthy boundaries in a relationship of any kind now. Hell, I did not know what boundaries even were before. ... .and before you can set a boundaries, so have to have a sense of self and hopefully healthy needs to be able to set boundaries. I can also watch and notice if someone else recognizes my boundaries and if they can respect/honor them.

I was able to implement these in a relationship that I had with someone after my relationship with my pwBPD and to end that relationship because some basic respectable needs of mine were not being met, when I was providing that for the other person. We were even able to remain friends after the relationship, so I was able to see that what I suffered with my pwBPD had made me a stronger and better person because it made me seek help and do some personal growth work. Painful stuff, but worth it!

[anxiety5]

A fire. That's the best thing. A realization that I'am weak. A realization that I allowed myself to be abused and my boundaries crushed. And the overwhelming lack of respect and void of self esteem I have felt as I've navigated this hell. Sound body, Sound mind. I neglected myself for far too long. I decided I needed to feel better about myself. However damaged I may be emotionally, I'm a good person. Even if I was used, taken advantage of, betrayed, belittled, lied to and made to feel worthless, I know certain truths that trump any of these toxic feelings. That my intentions were genuine as were my love. That I fought long and hard to overcome obstacles that would defeat the loyalist of loyal people. That in the end it was me who felt pain, not the coldness to move on without care. My pain is my gift. It reminds me I'm a human being with a soul. That is a gift. That is a reminder that it is not me who is disturbed.

I have used these emotions to work out consistently for 7 months. I have lost 23lbs and am in the best shape I've been in since I was 20. Sound body/Sound mind. I feel more confident. I feel better about me. The compliments make me feel good. A healthy person with no agenda who simply says that I look great. Again, my pain is a gift. I could have been accepted for being an unhealthy out of shape person. No matter how genuine, those traits are not healthy. This hell I've endured with this person has motivated me more than anything I've ever experienced. It makes me want to work hard. It makes me want to be a better person. It makes me want to be healthy, to love myself. To gain confidence by achieving a goal. Perhaps to prove to them that they WILL NEVER get the best of me, but to also prove to myself that such a toxic sludge of a human being will NEVER be the best I can get.

I feel great, I'm more healthy, I have laser focus on viewing life as nothing more than millions of decisions and transactions of which SHE CAN NEVER CONTROL. I can. I choose to make good decisions. I chose to respect myself. I choose to take care of myself. I choose to be motivated. I choose to achieve. If I can be the best I can be in every situation of every day, then there is no regret in life. That peace. That sense of control over my own well being is something I lacked. It's what made me a target. That part of me is dying and I will not stop until it's dead. This was only made possible after being emotionally raped by someone I loved with all my heart. I will never be controlled, manipulated or abused again. It will never happen. It was a long and arduous path taken to get to where I'am but the only thing that made the journey so difficult and long was my inability for so very long to understand that I was the only person who could ever make that happen. Not someone else. And my inability to understand that was the beacon that attracted her from the start.

I have had an awakening through this process. And it feels healthy, and it feels purifying. And whatever path got me to this point was something that was not only necessary, but a gift. I thank her for what she did to me. It has allowed me to finally become everything I never was.

[Pieter2]

For me:

- Stop going for women who throw themselves at you;

- Find someone who YOU pursue and want;

- Get in shape, appreciate your health;

- You are strong, that's why you got out; Appreciate your sanity;

I thank my BPDex every day. I have a new outlook on life. It would have been so different if it never happened. The nice thing about BPD's is that they are so intense. So you quickly get thrown in the deep end, but in the end, when you swim, it is like you're in a different place. Then you get to build yourself back up but the way you want to be. It is quite awesome. Such a pity they never change... .

[hope4tomorrow]

For me the biggest thing is learning to be assertive.  Not emotional, not rude, but assertive.  Standing up for my rights.  And realizing that I don't have to allow him to treat me that way.

I've learned how to set boundaries and defend them.  I think I let a lot of people walk over me in the past, but not anymore.

[elessar]

Not being timid, growing a spine, and learning that trying to please people is a futile way to live. Learning not to live for someone else, but to live for yourself first. Not sacrifice my dreams and talents to be a caretaker. That a relationship is a give and take, not me giving everything to her and feeling "look how good I am I do so much for her".

[Pingo]

For me:

- Stop going for women who throw themselves at you;

- Find someone who YOU pursue and want;

- Get in shape, appreciate your health;

- You are strong, that's why you got out; Appreciate your sanity;

I thank my BPDex every day. I have a new outlook on life. It would have been so different if it never happened. The nice thing about BPD's is that they are so intense. So you quickly get thrown in the deep end, but in the end, when you swim, it is like you're in a different place. Then you get to build yourself back up but the way you want to be. It is quite awesome. Such a pity they never change... .

I couldn't have said it better myself!  I also think it's given me the chance to finally come to some sort of peace/healing about my childhood... .I can't run away from it any longer.

[NeedHelpPls]

For me the biggest thing is learning to be assertive.  Not emotional, not rude, but assertive.  Standing up for my rights.  And realizing that I don't have to allow him to treat me that way.

I've learned how to set boundaries and defend them.  I think I let a lot of people walk over me in the past, but not anymore.

Same here! I've noticed how over accommodating I can be, even at the cost of my own needs and wants. If you are in a healthy relationship, setting boundaries, expressing your needs and being respected, and being assertive appropriately should not be a threat to your relationship. I am deserving of love, I am a good person, I keep reminding myself...

[Heartandsole]

A fire. That's the best thing. A realization that I'am weak. A realization that I allowed myself to be abused and my boundaries crushed. And the overwhelming lack of respect and void of self esteem I have felt as I've navigated this hell. Sound body, Sound mind. I neglected myself for far too long. I decided I needed to feel better about myself. However damaged I may be emotionally, I'm a good person. Even if I was used, taken advantage of, betrayed, belittled, lied to and made to feel worthless, I know certain truths that trump any of these toxic feelings. That my intentions were genuine as were my love. That I fought long and hard to overcome obstacles that would defeat the loyalist of loyal people. That in the end it was me who felt pain, not the coldness to move on without care. My pain is my gift. It reminds me I'm a human being with a soul. That is a gift. That is a reminder that it is not me who is disturbed.

I have used these emotions to work out consistently for 7 months. I have lost 23lbs and am in the best shape I've been in since I was 20. Sound body/Sound mind. I feel more confident. I feel better about me. The compliments make me feel good. A healthy person with no agenda who simply says that I look great. Again, my pain is a gift. I could have been accepted for being an unhealthy out of shape person. No matter how genuine, those traits are not healthy. This hell I've endured with this person has motivated me more than anything I've ever experienced. It makes me want to work hard. It makes me want to be a better person. It makes me want to be healthy, to love myself. To gain confidence by achieving a goal. Perhaps to prove to them that they WILL NEVER get the best of me, but to also prove to myself that such a toxic sludge of a human being will NEVER be the best I can get.

I feel great, I'm more healthy, I have laser focus on viewing life as nothing more than millions of decisions and transactions of which SHE CAN NEVER CONTROL. I can. I choose to make good decisions. I chose to respect myself. I choose to take care of myself. I choose to be motivated. I choose to achieve. If I can be the best I can be in every situation of every day, then there is no regret in life. That peace. That sense of control over my own well being is something I lacked. It's what made me a target. That part of me is dying and I will not stop until it's dead. This was only made possible after being emotionally raped by someone I loved with all my heart. I will never be controlled, manipulated or abused again. It will never happen. It was a long and arduous path taken to get to where I'am but the only thing that made the journey so difficult and long was my inability for so very long to understand that I was the only person who could ever make that happen. Not someone else. And my inability to understand that was the beacon that attracted her from the start.

I have had an awakening through this process. And it feels healthy, and it feels purifying. And whatever path got me to this point was something that was not only necessary, but a gift. I thank her for what she did to me. It has allowed me to finally become everything I never was.

I have read so many posts that I could have written myself about the experiences of living with a pwBPD on this forum.  

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I FEEL LIKE I COULD SIGN MY NAME TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS QUOTE.  SO HAPPY FOR YOU BRO!  I AM JUST SPARKING UP MY FIRE.  KEEP YOUR'S RAGING, IT'S AN INSPIRATION TO MANY OTHERS I'M SURE.

[Popcorn71]

I have come along way in the past 12 months, both good and bad, but heading in the right direction.

I am more grateful for all the good things in my life which include my health, fitness, family, sobriety, friends ... .

The list is endless.

I have started do things that I never would have with the ex as all time had to be devoted to him.

I see that life is good, even if I am on my own for the rest of my life... .I will be OK 

Same here.  I think all the crap of a BPD relationship makes us appreciate a normal life afterwards. 

[Recooperating]

For me:

- Realizing I am an enabler and now having the change to "fix" me

- realizing what great friends & family I have that stood by me through all the nonsense and still had my back! (They are soo happy I cane to my senses)

- enjoying simple things in life... .Going out the door without 20 questions

- Getting to know me, knowing my flaws, seeing my strenght, realising I am a good person!

[biglearningcurve]

WOW so good to hear all the positive things.

I have decided to have an attitude adjustment and instead of treating this entire situation as something terrible in my life I am now thinking that is one of the best things to happen.

I seem to learn the most from situations that cause the most pain.

I am not free from the pain yet as I am constantly ruminating and obsessing about the entire interaction, but I think that is keeping me focused on my personal growth and discovering who the real me is.

I have discovered that I have used food, alcohol and unhealthy relationships to try and fill the void that was in me.

I now see that I am OK just the way I am and learning to come to peace with that.

Kia Kaha  (Forever Strong)

[Lion Fire]

Great topic. Thank you!

My exgf would yell abuse at me and tell me to "be a real man", "grow some balls", "let your balls drop" and the constant "man up".

Well I did all of those. I told her to get out. I finally got my stuff from her. I left and never went back. I did not succumb to her Charm attempts and I'm totally NC for 57 days in spite of her reaching out regularly. She's blocked, banned from my life.

I went to therapy, took a good look at myself and got honest.

I have my self respect back, I value myself and I'm surrounded by healthy people who I love and who love me. I'm even dating again. She's a sweet and kind soul who is healthy for once.

I still feel the residual pain of the dreadful experiences with my exgf but I'm healing.

I manned up alright   I walked away and now I know I'm strong.

She kicked me into the most empowering period of my life. I'm still not there but one day I hope I see the great gift in the mess that was.

[camuse]

I'm beginning to feel really strong - I hit the bottom, and I made it through. I got through this hellish nightmare, and now I feel I can achieve anything.

I think in years to come I will be grateful for this awful experience - I learned a lot about myself and other people, and and much stronger now. It wasn't worth the pain, but a lot of good has come of it. It you can survive something like this, everything else becomes a little easier

[enlighten me]

Only my children. Nothing else has really changed for the better.

[Conundrum]

I have learned that feeling love is not solely dependent upon the content of another's personality, words or actions, but exists due to their essence--which is invisible to the eye. Love is confounding, and all things change--but to judge another's essence based upon a haphazard emotional regulator is a bias and prejudice that limits me--in this one life that we share.

[Blimblam]

I have learned that feeling love is not solely dependent upon the content of another's personality, words or actions, but exists due to their essence--which is invisible to the eye. Love is confounding, and all things change--but to judge another's essence based upon a haphazard emotional regulator is a bias and prejudice that limits me--in this one life that we share.

There is wisdom here

[workinprogress]

This is perhaps the most inspiring thread that I have ever read!  I want to thank all of you for your comments.

As for me, I am still in my marriage, but it is not the priority that it used to be.

I started having panic attacks a few years ago.  I started a practice of "talking" to my panic attacks and I asked them why I was having them.  I was travelling in a high stress job and I had to pull off the road one day with a panic attack.  I got the sensation that the panic attack told me that I was trying to do too much and I needed love in my life.  I worked long hours and my wife had demands every second I was home.  If I took a vacation day just to relax she demand to know why I was taking the day off.  Then she would call me non-stop telling me that this needed done and that needed done.

So, my life started changing from there.

I started taking better care of myself.  I started jogging.  I decided to attempt to restore my marriage, which went nowhere.

I started really looking at myself to see what was wrong with me. 

Why did I work so many more hours than everyone else I knew?  (Because she wanted so much).

Why did I have no extra money to enjoy myself with?  (Because my wife spent so much).

Why did I have no fun hobbies?  (Because I allowed my wife to control every free second that I had).

I pursued my wife like we were dating.  She stayed cold and distant.

Jogging became my first hobby that I had in years.  People started commenting on how good I looked.  My wife never did though.

I started reading the Bible.  The book of Proverbs really opened my eyes as to how wrong I had been my whole life.  If you need an instruction manual to show you how to have a good life, follow the book of Proverbs.

I realized that I was an obsessive people pleaser.  So, I started digging into what I wanted in life.

After I lost 30 pounds jogging, I started lifting weights and added 30 pounds of muscle.

I began taking notice of the type of women that flirted with me.  I began to realize that they were trouble.

I learned about BPD and researched the hell out of it.

I learned about schemas and discovered that I was a "lonely child."  I looked up the antonyms of all the words that described a lonely child and created little mantras for myself.

So, instead of letting thoughts like, "I am lonely," fill my head, I would say, "I am loved."  I came across a passage in the Bible that said along the lines that Jesus takes hold of incorrect thoughts or something along those lines.  So, in essence, God can correct your negative thinking.

In trying to save my marriage, I was a mess.  I remember being so lonely.  I remember feeling so frustrated.  I just wanted to be allowed to hug my wife without her getting angry.  I wanted to enjoy some one on one time with her.  But, she would never agree to it.

I recall having a strong sensation that I was to leave her.  I felt it strongly.  I didn't listen to my gut screaming at me.

But I stayed and endured.

I've learned not to base my feelings about myself on how she treats me.

I've learned not to get sucked back into the relationship when I am being charmed by her.

I have a lot more to learn.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring with the marriage, but I am continually working on myself and restoring my confidence a little everyday.

[Tolou]

conundrum-that was deep

work in progress, keep up the great work, loved your post-AMEN!