Epiphany today: I don't want to know about BPD.

[funfunctional]

Hi,

Although I have read about BPD and my sister-in-law is the person that cued me into the disease and that my MIL has it... .and since then I have determined that my sister "most likely" has it I have come to a conclusion about myself.

There is a ton of material here about living and coping and understanding BPD.  Strategies for dealing with people as such.  Luckily, I am not LIVING WITH someone with this illness so I can afford to just say "I don't want to know how to deal with them... .I just don't want to deal with them".

Maybe at some point in the future after I have healed a bit and gotten over the most recent trauma I was put thru I will be ready.   I do feel the only way these two people (MIL and sister) will change is if those close to them force a change/treatment.  Otherwise... .I don't have to live with them and don't want to fix them.   However,   I do think that at some point I will read up on coping or dealing with people with BPD... .I am just not ready now.

There are too many people that need me that want me to help them and deserve my kindness cause they gave and give it back.   My aunt with dimmentia.  My two teen children that I single parent.  My step children.  My husband.  Friends.    

That is all.    Not sure if anyone else feels this way.   I am so glad the materials are here for people.  I am lucky I don't live with someone with this illness.   Very lucky.

[Harri]

Hi funf.  I agree that a lot if not most of the resources seem to be more suitable for those who are in different types of relationships and seem geared to those who want to maintain contact with their BPD person.  When there is trauma, fresh or old, to work through those resources just seem to add salt to the wounds, or at least that is how it feels to me.  I often think but what about my needs?     Who the heck wants to learn how to talk to the very people who caused so much pain for our entire lives?  Or how to talk without triggering them? 

Everyone has their own path for what is best for them and it sounds like you have chosen the best way for you.  I admire that.  Take a break and go have fun with the people you want to talk with and have in your life.  Come back here and vent when you want to... .venting is important too.  Or maybe talk about the things or people that make you happy.

[funfunctional]

Thank u harri.    .  So much

[HappyChappy]

Funfunctional and Harri totaly understand and respect where your both coming from. I've taken a similar stance and it works well for me so far. However, in keeping with the sites terms of use - I'm not advocating this approach ? Yet I can not disagrea with a single point you both made. 

[funfunctional]

Hi Happy Chappy,

I didn't realize I was taking a stance as such but that was my ephinany  "I am".       Again... .I don't live with someone with BPD.   I was able to do NC.      I may at some point read it all.

Just working,  caring for my family... .trying to enjoy the peace.   Coping.  I am coping with some feelings and filtering them.    I think a lot of us here "dreamed the dream". that family could be kind and loving.   All these ideals about families in our heads.  I see my friends over the years with functional families with grandparents that do so much and aunts and uncles... .etc.    Loving relationships that aren't perfect but functional.   Two woman I work with their parents and in laws offer love and support.  I get jealous at times... .but then say to myself "get over it".  "deal".     Shockingly,  I thought my family growing up was dysfunctional but what I am seeing in my generation blows dysfunctional away.

The holidays may be sad.  I will deal as they come.   

[Youcantfoolme]

Amen FunFunctions! Since I've started to post on this board, I've received tons of advice, (albeit good advice) on how to "deal" with a person who has BPD. I've been sent many links on the many workshops here about how to communicate with a loved one who suffers with BPD but much like you, I don't live with the BPD person and I don't really communicate with her. In fact, I barely even know her. Before she married brother I had only met her about half a dozen time, and out of those, I probably only really "conversed" with her on two occasions. The other 4, we at a party or some type of family function and didn't really interact much. The only connection we have is, my brother.

Without even knowing me well, she stepped into our family on the completely wrong foot. She insulted me, insulted my mom and started stomping her feet around, making ridiculous demands. She has completely succeeded in isolating my brother from my mom and I and won't allow him to speak with me, at all!

I too, thank my lucky stars I do not share a bedroom or a roof with a BPD person. I did that when I was in my early 20's and vowed to never do it again! I think the workshops and tools on here are a very valuable asset to those who live with and must communicate with their BPD loved one. In my case however, I have no interest on trying to communicate properly with this person after the hell they've put me through for the past 10 months of my life. She had caused way too much drama and heart ache.

I really do appreciate the advice I have received because all of it has been helpful, in some way. I feel a lot of the people on here get defensive when BPD is thought of in a negative light. A lot of the people on here have a lot of  love and compassion for the BPD in their life because it's a blood relative or a spouse or so but for me it's just different. I never actually cared  for this person and they have showed me nothing but negativity since the day they stepped into my life. It's really hard for me to understand why a person, who barely knows me or my family, would already have this preconceived idea, that we were some how a threat to them.

I came on her to learn about BPD and to have a better understanding of it, as part of my healing process. On the flip side, I have learned there is not much I can do with this person but accept them for who they are. What she's showed me thus far, is that she doesn't care to try to communicate and solve our issues. For my own sanity and mental well being, it is best that I just DON'T deal with this person.

[Kwamina]

Hi funfunctional

There is a ton of material here about living and coping and understanding BPD.  Strategies for dealing with people as such.  Luckily, I am not LIVING WITH someone with this illness so I can afford to just say "I don't want to know how to deal with them... .I just don't want to deal with them".

I get where you're coming from with this post. Every situation is different and requires different resources and techniques that can be useful. There are indeed many resources here about techniques that can help you better interact with people who have BPD. In my opinion these techniques aren't just about how to deal with them when you live with them, but also aimed at empowering yourself and helping you remain calm and maintain your own emotional and mental well-being.

Sometimes you might come to the conclusion that you don't want to deal with your BPD relatives at all and decide to go no contact. In that case the techniques can be used differently, for instance to assist you in setting and enforcing firm boundaries to help maintain the NC. When you are not living with them and/or are NC, I agree that it might not always be necessary to practice all these communication techniques all the time with scenarios involving your BPD relatives in mind. It can however help to be ready if for one reason or another you do end up in an interaction with them. Many people with BPD have a hard time respecting boundaries so even when you don't live with them and/or have gone NC with no desire to interact with them at all, you still might find yourself in a situation where you have to deal with them. Some of the techniques can then help you to firmly enforce your boundaries and maintain your NC but also, perhaps most importantly, keep yourself calm and prevent you from getting too affected by the (unwanted) interaction.

I do feel the only way these two people (MIL and sister) will change is if those close to them force a change/treatment.  Otherwise... .I don't have to live with them and don't want to fix them.

Perhaps they would change then but that's up to them. In my experience people with BPD indeed sometimes change when the people around them change their own behavior towards them, but that's by no means certain. We can't control them. You say you don't want to fix them and I would like to say that you aren't responsible for fixing them either, they are responsible for their own lives. It's important to take good care of yourself and be very mindful of your own needs and wants and based on your post I'd say you are doing just that

[HappyChappy]

Have to say, in reading around these posts, I tend to agree with the no nonsense approach of funfunctional(ff) and the more detached and practical views of ff and youcantfoolme. In this post I realise this is because neither of you were brought up by BPD parents. But it is reassuring that you have grasped the shear hell, being brought up by a BPD can bring. Makes me realise I may be able to tell my friends on day.

It also reassures me that there are BPD on this website self aware enough to improve and this has taught me not to assume all BPD are like my mom or NPD bro. But I have to say I just don’t see how exposing yourself to continued abuse can be good. My child hood was purgatory; it was as if my mother was trained in torture. I guess this forum can't advocate NC for legal reasons. Life’s too short. 

[Harri]

Hi HappyChappy!  

I do agree that there are difference beyond the obvious ones    between those of us who had parents with BPD and those with siblings and that that can change the way things are handled, but I think it also depends on the person involved.

I never chose to go no contact.  At first it was because the choice was taken out of my hands as my mother cut me off (though it was really more abuse in the form of a prolonged silent treatment:  one of her tools of torture).  But even after, I felt very strongly that I had so many triggers and so many issues, and who wouldn't after *that particular childhood*, that it was better for me to have limited contact and enforce strong boundaries and all that for my own healing.  My personal bias was and still is that the best way to deal with triggers is to confront them head on.  What better way than to deal with them in real time and on my terms through limited contact?  Looking back, I think it was the best thing for me and I am so glad I made the choice to NOT go no contact.  That view is strengthened by the fact that now both parents are dead and I have what can be called the ultimate no contact in a sense ( ) I still have issues to work through I find it so much harder to get at the feelings and work them through.  It is like their deaths have put a haze over everything.  

I am reminded that while a lot of people say time heals, I have always thought that is a fantasy.  Time heals nothing.  Time dulls.

I have participated in support groups before and I am always surprised that a few people can survive a torturous childhood and come out relatively whole and without BPD traits.  I was not so fortunate.    I am glad it worked for you though and i am glad NC is working for you.  I wish I could say the same.  

[Youcantfoolme]

   

Re: Ephinany today: I don't want to know about BPD.

« Reply #7 on: Today at 10:59:54 AM »

Quote

Have to say, in reading around these posts, I tend to agree with the no nonsense approach of funfunctional(ff) and the more detached and practical views of ff and youcantfoolme. In this post I realise this is because neither of you were brought up by BPD parents. But it is reassuring that you have grasped the shear hell, being brought up by a BPD can bring. Makes me realise I may be able to tell my friends on day.

It also reassures me that there are BPD on this website self aware enough to improve and this has taught me not to assume all BPD are like my mom or NPD bro. But I have to say I just don’t see how exposing yourself to continued abuse can be good. My child hood was purgatory; it was as if my mother was trained in torture. I guess this forum can't advocate NC for legal reasons. Life’s too short. 

Report to moderator     Logged

Don't let them grind you down.

My heart really goes out to you, especially when you did your childhood was purgatory. To be honest, I couldn't even imagine living some of the stories I've read on here. I think it takes a very STRONG person to put up with some of these confusing behaviors. In my head, and maybe I'm wrong, but from what I read, it seems all BPD relationships have some degree of abuse. Also I've done a lot of reading about BPD and love relationships and it seems there's no getting out of one without years of therapy and recovery. This scares the crap out of me because I can't imagine what this woman will put my brother through or how she will try to disparage him (as she does with her other two Ex-Husbands) if they ever choose to go their separate ways.

Lastly I'd just like to reiterate the fact that it's so easy for me to detach from the PwBPD in my life, because we never had a relationship. It is however, really hard for me to disconnect from my brother, but right now his only concern in life is making his wife happy, (as it should be) but he's doing it at the expense of his own life and his own family.

[imataloss]

I've been pondering this topic for the past couple of weeks. I can relate to funfunctional's and other posters' lack of motivation to spend time learning techniques for interacting with a pwBPD.

It was almost 2 years ago when I first learned about BPD and that it was the likely diagnosis for my 91-year-old mother. It was validating to find this forum and realize that so many others had experiences similar to my own. But I wasn't sure how much time I wanted to invest in learning about specifics of the disorder. I was and remain more interested in learning how to recover from the harm that had been inflicted on me since childhood. It was for these reasons that I chose "Surviving a Borderline Parent" over "Understanding the Borderline Mother" as the first book I read on BPD.

Today my relationship with my mother is very shallow. I often refer to it as more of a business than a personal relationship. I feel responsible for seeing that her needs are met as she ages because it's my duty as her child (add to that her only child!), and because I feel I owe her that much out of basic human decency. I go through the motions but have found it necessary to maintain a sense of detachment in order to get through it.

But I often find myself feeling guilty for just reading the posts here and not taking the time to do the lessons on the site. I ask myself what I really stand to gain from studying the lessons when I've lost any expectations for a satisfying relationship (and I'm sure she has also). And is it worth the investment considering her age and declining health.

I'd like to hear from others on here who have done the lessons and how it's affected them personally, not just in terms of the difference it's made in their relationship with the pwBPD. Based on the feelings I've described, are there specific sections that I should focus on and others that I might skip over? I realize that everyone's experience is unique.

Obviously I'm not motivated to spend a lot of time and energy working on this. But at the same time I question if I'm missing out on information that could help me in my recovery and healing process. Would like to get input from others on this.

[Barbara Smith]

Thank you funfunctional for your honesty.  I hope you feel a sense of freedom since your epiphany.  I have felt freedom since going NC with my sisters.  I am wondering how the holidays will go as well.  I have taken this time to regain emotional strength and learn about how to handle any interactions in the future in a healthy way.

[Youcantfoolme]

I've been pondering this topic for the past couple of weeks. I can relate to funfunctional's and other posters' lack of motivation to spend time learning techniques for interacting with a pwBPD.

It was almost 2 years ago when I first learned about BPD and that it was the likely diagnosis for my 91-year-old mother. It was validating to find this forum and realize that so many others had experiences similar to my own. But I wasn't sure how much time I wanted to invest in learning about specifics of the disorder. I was and remain more interested in learning how to recover from the harm that had been inflicted on me since childhood. It was for these reasons that I chose "Surviving a Borderline Parent" over "Understanding the Borderline Mother" as the first book I read on BPD.

Today my relationship with my mother is very shallow. I often refer to it as more of a business than a personal relationship. I feel responsible for seeing that her needs are met as she ages because it's my duty as her child (add to that her only child!), and because I feel I owe her that much out of basic human decency. I go through the motions but have found it necessary to maintain a sense of detachment in order to get through it.

But I often find myself feeling guilty for just reading the posts here and not taking the time to do the lessons on the site. I ask myself what I really stand to gain from studying the lessons when I've lost any expectations for a satisfying relationship (and I'm sure she has also). And is it worth the investment considering her age and declining health.

I'd like to hear from others on here who have done the lessons and how it's affected them personally, not just in terms of the difference it's made in their relationship with the pwBPD. Based on the feelings I've described, are there specific sections that I should focus on and others that I might skip over? I realize that everyone's experience is unique.

Obviously I'm not motivated to spend a lot of time and energy working on this. But at the same time I question if I'm missing out on information that could help me in my recovery and healing process. Would like to get input from others on this.

My heart breaks for you. I have an amazing relationship with my mother yet I can relate with you because my dad and I had a very hard relationship. When he was sick and dying from cancer, I felt a sense of duty and obligation. I had to put aside all of my feelings towards him and do the right thing. Although I don't know if my dad had a personality disorder, or was just depressed from the alcohol he used to consume, whatever it was, it put a strain on his relationships with everyone. They were all difficult.

I think at this point in your moms life, you are doing the right thing. Accept that you and she will never have the relationship you were hoping for and work on healing yourself from it. Accept that you can't change her or change the past but you can do everything in you power to change you and you life going forward. Something I had to work on with myself is accepting that I can't "fix" people. Some people in this world are just broken and there's nothing I can do except accept them they way they are, or get them out of my life because they're toxic. I have come to many crossroads in many of the unfair relationships I've had. My dad passing away has taught me that I am strong. I don't need to hang on to people who are bringing me down just because they're family or because I've been friends with them for a long time. If they aren't serving any positive purpose in my life then I don't need them, I will focus my time and energy on myself and the people who lift me up instead of further bringing me down.

[Leelou]

Hi,

Although I have read about BPD and my sister-in-law is the person that cued me into the disease and that my MIL has it... .and since then I have determined that my sister "most likely" has it I have come to a conclusion about myself.

There is a ton of material here about living and coping and understanding BPD.  Strategies for dealing with people as such.  Luckily, I am not LIVING WITH someone with this illness so I can afford to just say "I don't want to know how to deal with them... .I just don't want to deal with them".

Maybe at some point in the future after I have healed a bit and gotten over the most recent trauma I was put thru I will be ready.   I do feel the only way these two people (MIL and sister) will change is if those close to them force a change/treatment.  Otherwise... .I don't have to live with them and don't want to fix them.   However,   I do think that at some point I will read up on coping or dealing with people with BPD... .I am just not ready now.

There are too many people that need me that want me to help them and deserve my kindness cause they gave and give it back.   My aunt with dimmentia.  My two teen children that I single parent.  My step children.  My husband.  Friends.    

That is all.    Not sure if anyone else feels this way.   I am so glad the materials are here for people.  I am lucky I don't live with someone with this illness.   Very lucky.

Quite agree, there is enough.  Only you can decide when enough is enough.  When the love/ tolerance runs out and step on or away.  To live without my BPD sister, wow, to not have this condition and how my life would be?  It's scary to imagine.  Fun functional you are x 

[Panda39]

My mom is not BPD but I have always had a strained relationship with her in which I always felt judged, that I was a disappointment, was never as good or as smart as my brother.  On the flip side I often thought she was mean to others and not sensitive to others feelings.

I went through a whole breakdown... .really a series of breakthroughs during my divorce about many different things.  During that period I finally accepted that we will never be the person we need each other to be... .we just are who we are. 

Radical Acceptance... .I can't change her, she can't change me.  I no longer hope she will act in a way that isn't her and I no longer feel bad about who I am in an effort to satisfy her.

Our relationship has gone low contact on it's own because unfortunately there just isn't that much in common between us.

So, yes if the relationship isn't there and you are not interested in pursuing one then don't. 

(Funfunctional, I do want to add though that I hope you do keep the door open for your brother someday he'll need you and reach out and because you have found us here you can bring him here too someday.)

[imataloss]

[/quote]
I think at this point in your moms life, you are doing the right thing. Accept that you and she will never have the relationship you were hoping for and work on healing yourself from it. Accept that you can't change her or change the past but you can do everything in you power to change you and you life going forward.[/quote]

[imataloss]

Obviously from my last post, I still have work to do on inserting quotes into my posts! I hit Post instead of Preview. Definitely not the perfect post that I'd anticipated!

Youcantfoolme, I was attempting to insert your text into my response and say that it was excellent advice. That's what I'm attempting to do. I think I've accepted that I can't change her and that our relationship will never be more than it is today. It's sad to make the realization that we'll be in this same place when she dies.

The past still causes problems because of the terrible memories of how she treated my father, even to the end when he was dying of cancer. With the passing of the years, I have even more respect and admiration for him because of what he endured from that woman. I think he stayed because of me, he didn't want me to be left alone with her.

When uBPD mom was in the hospital recently, I couldn't help but compare her behavior as a patient to the model patient that my dad had been for 2 years from his diagnosis until his death. She was so hard on him, telling him that he wasn't trying hard enough when his condition was terminal. It was so hard to listen to her complaining and whining while she was hospitalized for 4 weeks. I finally couldn't hold it in any longer and confronted her about her treatment of my dad. Of course, that didn't go over very well at all. Ever since then I've been painted black even thought I'm solely responsible for coordinating her care and seeing that her needs are met.

Enough of that, but I do feel better getting that out!

[Panda39]

I finally couldn't hold it in any longer and confronted her about her treatment of my dad. Of course, that didn't go over very well at all. Ever since then I've been painted black even thought I'm solely responsible for coordinating her care and seeing that her needs are met.

Enough of that, but I do feel better getting that out!

She may never "get it" but I'm glad for your sake that you were able to say what you needed to say. 

[PleaseValidate]

"Can't advocate NC for legal reasons." Is this true? ? Never thought about it like that but now I wonder. I know this is a great forum that advocates making your own decisions, but I see there is a rule "not to congratulate someone for going NC." I have been guilty of this before even though I'm usually congratulating someone on making the DECISION. It might not come out that way when I type on my Galaxy Note and try to use least words possible.

[Kwamina]

Hi PleaseValidate and others

"Can't advocate NC for legal reasons." Is this true? ? Never thought about it like that but now I wonder. I know this is a great forum that advocates making your own decisions, but I see there is a rule "not to congratulate someone for going NC." I have been guilty of this before even though I'm usually congratulating someone on making the DECISION. It might not come out that way when I type on my Galaxy Note and try to use least words possible.

When it comes to going NC I think the decision is very personal but can sometimes be necessary to protect your own mental and emotional stability. To me boundaries are the key and enforcing/defending them to protect yourself. There are several options available to defend your boundaries, going NC is one of them but there are also other options. Depending on a person's own situation he or she has gotta decide what's best. I have personal experience with going NC with a family member and in that particular case I believe it was the best decision for me. With other family members I made a different decision (limited/controlled contact) because the circumstances were different. It all depends on the circumstances and in case of for instance someone in a physically abusive relationship, it's clear that that person needs to come to a place of safety but it can require a specific exit plan to safely extricate yourself from such a difficult (and dangerous) situation. In the guidelines it's stated like this:

Everyone coming to this board comes from a very complex relationship and there are many factors for them to consider before making serious life decisions; emotional attachments, children/family members, finances, health issues, and other personal issues. Please read carefully what others say, feel free to inquire further, and offer thoughtful opinions consistent with their situation and their state of mind. For example, if a new member comes to the board, broken hearted after learning their loved one has BPD, it would be inappropriate to state that this person was foolish to enter the relationship, or is foolish for staying, and that leaving is their only option. Staying in contact, or choosing no contact with a person with BPD is an intensely personal decision, and coming to such an important decision takes time and a great deal of introspection. Each individuals process of contact is both fluid and individual, and should be respected.