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Author Topic: I find that Im replacing her, here.  (Read 728 times)
Huh?
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« on: August 20, 2014, 06:34:33 PM »

Im not going to lie, I miss my uBPD waif ex fiance more and more each subsequent day since being cut off.  I long to talk to her... .I know, alot of us want that contact and validation.  Its weird though, I used to come home and tell her all about my day... .she didnt really care, of course.  

But now, I cant wait to come home and read through this board.  I feel like Im still connected to her in some strange and twisted way through this website.  I dont know if its because we have all dated the same person, and the stories we tell are all so similar, its almost like we are coping the loss of one singular relationship together.  Each day, as a new story unfolds on this forum by another author, it brings me back to my own toxic relationship... .and back to her.  Like I said, its strange.  I guess because it was so part of my life for so long, its hard to live in peace and quiet right now.  The only thing I have abundance of right now is silence.  Lots and lots of silence.

Anyway, its sad at the same time.  I cant wait to be able to heal and move on.  Thanks for all that you do here, every single one of you.  
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elessar
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« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2014, 06:36:21 PM »

Me too. Like reading the stories has become an addiction. But each time I come to this page is also because she is still in my head... .
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AG
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« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2014, 06:46:26 PM »

You are preaching to the choir. I want this garbage out of my head. I cannot wait until the chaos is out of my head it is exhausting and madening. I hope we all get better I really mean it every single damn person on here I really want us all to get better. This ish is horrible.
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2014, 06:54:14 PM »

Im not going to lie, I miss my uBPD waif ex fiance more and more each subsequent day since being cut off.  I long to talk to her... .I know, alot of us want that contact and validation.  Its weird though, I used to come home and tell her all about my day... .she didnt really care, of course.  

But now, I cant wait to come home and read through this board.  I feel like Im still connected to her in some strange and twisted way through this website.  I dont know if its because we have all dated the same person, and the stories we tell are all so similar, its almost like we are coping the loss of one singular relationship together.  Each day, as a new story unfolds on this forum by another author, it brings me back to my own toxic relationship... .and back to her.  Like I said, its strange.  I guess because it was so part of my life for so long, its hard to live in peace and quiet right now.  The only thing I have abundance of right now is silence.  Lots and lots of silence.

Anyway, its sad at the same time.  I cant wait to be able to heal and move on.  Thanks for all that you do here, every single one of you.  

Huh... .I understand. Early on, long before I had the courage to begin posting, I came here at the end of my day and stayed through evening, reading the incredibly brave posts by our members. And gaining so much through our shared pain and shared experience and ever appreciated shared support.

I came her truly bc I missed him the very most during those evening hours. Even if we could not be together, he always texted me long into the night, keeping his presence very real.

It was and is still very silent. Huge big empty hole that was us echos at times. Sometimes, I can't believe I walk or sit in the long silence yet, without checking my phone, which I used to do constantly when we were together. God forbid I missed his text as I would be accused of cheating the next day. And split. As time went on, I was split for a potential absence or for the very real love I gave. I just could not win. The hate was closer and closer with much less in between. Except my hurt and confusion.

When I let myself go all the way "there" to that time, t hurts too much. So I avoid all triggers.

I stay here, especially when I feel weak. With those that understand and keep me moving forward. Strong. Getting stronger everyday away. Further and further in NC, and further in not responding to the battings, the breadcrumbs. Only bc of this site. And everyone here. Who has shared their pain. And educated me on what would happen if I continued in the torment.

I no longer have that pit in my stomach as a result. Still will always admit that despite immersion in understanding the disorder, I grieve the person. The person under the disorder.

I echo you. Thanks to every single one of you here. You save us. We save each other  
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amigo
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« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2014, 07:27:08 PM »

Hello, I will join you on this thread.

I am also on here several times a day, and as I posted yesterday, sometimes I am not happy about always being on here at all. I feel as if being here, like huh said, keeps the BPDex present and in my life and the relationship gets relived in a strange sense by reading others' stories.

On the other hand not reading and posting here is worse. Everyones' support on here is invaluable to my healing. Reminding myself of the brutal realities of this disorder is as well. And finally sharing my feelings with people who really, truly understand, in ways my friends and family and even my therapist never will, is cathartic. I definitely think it helps me in my struggle to detach overall, even if the daily "contact" with BPD through this site keeps them fresh in my mind.

My goal is that through this site "the truth will set (me) free". I wish that freedom fo each and everyone of you too.
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Tausk
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« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2014, 08:07:04 PM »

For me, it's been a delicate balance on this board between using it as a tool to grow and learn versus as an addictive pain killer and a way to somehow stay connected with my ex.  Because without my ex, I was so void of anything meaningful inside of me.

So I try and make my time here painful.  Painful in the sense of growing pains.  I come for validation of my experiences, but after while, I understand mentally that my experience fits a pattern.  

So I try and be on here to be honest with myself.  To see why I invited the Disorder into my life.  To examine the ways that I play victim, martyr or how I feed my anger, and then lean into those feelings to discover the parts of myself that are defective.  

As long I come here and realize that my pain has nothing to do with my ex, but everything to do with how I am emotionally hardwired, and as long as I'm uncomfortable with what I write because it exposes me to my own shortcomings, then the trip to board has been worth it for me.

It's a tool for mindfulness, for self reflection, and painful emotional growth that I missed as a child.  And when I use this tool in a constructive way, I learn about myself and become closer to the person that I've always wanted to be.

Be well.  Realize that what everyone on this board is saying is the same.  The topics don't change.  They just loop around and around and around.  And this is good, because it allows me to realize that my interaction was part of a deep pattern, and that by looking at myself, I can find my way out of the emotional hell that I helped create.
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winston72
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« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2014, 08:27:56 PM »

Well said, Tausk.  I joined this community in the middle of last year.  I have spent many, many hours on the boards.  It helped.  I made progress, I am making progress.  For me, avoidance and ignorance of my feelings is a core issue.  The boards engage my inner world in a deep way... .and it allows me to engage my connection to my former partner in a deep way rather then trying to simply shut it out.  It has been a slow process.  But engaging those feelings was the only way out and it led to some genuine emotional strength.  It works!  My "relationship" with the boards has felt excessive at times... .maybe it was... .but it produced positive results. 
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biglearningcurve

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« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2014, 09:23:01 PM »

For me, it's been a delicate balance on this board between using it as a tool to grow and learn versus as an addictive pain killer and a way to somehow stay connected with my ex.  Because without my ex, I was so void of anything meaningful inside of me.

So I try and make my time here painful.  Painful in the sense of growing pains.  I come for validation of my experiences, but after while, I understand mentally that my experience fits a pattern.  

So I try and be on here to be honest with myself.  To see why I invited the Disorder into my life.  To examine the ways that I play victim, martyr or how I feed my anger, and then lean into those feelings to discover the parts of myself that are defective.

Your post sums where I am up perfectly.  Some posts are just painful to read, because they are so damn honest and mirror my own experience so well.

As long I come here and realize that my pain has nothing to do with my ex, but everything to do with how I am emotionally hardwired, and as long as I'm uncomfortable with what I write because it exposes me to my own shortcomings, then the trip to board has been worth it for me.

It's a tool for mindfulness, for self reflection, and painful emotional growth that I missed as a child.  And when I use this tool in a constructive way, I learn about myself and become closer to the person that I've always wanted to be.

Be well.  Realize that what everyone on this board is saying is the same.  The topics don't change.  They just loop around and around and around.  And this is good, because it allows me to realize that my interaction was part of a deep pattern, and that by looking at myself, I can find my way out of the emotional hell that I helped create.

Tausk

Your post sums where I am up perfectly.  Some posts are just painful to read, because they are so damn honest and mirror my own experience so well.

As you can see I have not learnt the fine art of quoting and replying yet.  Please bear with me
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2014, 09:48:52 PM »

This board has been invaluable for me as well. I thought I learned a lot about the disease when my ex told me she had it, but I really had very little idea about it until I got on this board and it helped me to make sense if what was/is going on. It's helped to post on here when I'm  tempted to contact, and read other posts. I totally know what you mean huh, when you say it is like replacing one addiction for another, but I think it is a much healthier addiction (like eating a lot of carrot sticks when you are trying to quit smoking). Thank you all so much.
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Loveofhislife
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« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2014, 09:58:03 PM »

Thankful for this board and all of our members. My first silent treatment in May brought me here--looking for answers and validating feelings. I'm a co-dependent and can see how I feel needy sometimes just waiting for replies to posts here. Sometimes I think, "She must be talking about my exbfBPD!" But, in essence, we all are talking about the same person. Let's be gentle on ourselves and gentle with each other on this board. We all are at different points in our recovery and was initially hurt my some posts from someone who is very wise but wasn't very sensitive to how early I was in my recovery and new to this board. Thank you so much for being here.
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toomanytears
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« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2014, 10:20:37 PM »

But, in essence, we all are talking about the same person. Let's be gentle on ourselves and gentle with each other on this board.

Hello loveofhislife

Your post really resonated with me - particularly the words I've quoted above.

Thanks
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