My sister has BPD and its tearing my family apart

[traboys]

We thought she was Bipolar but the doctors during the week diagnosed her with BPD and now we are wishing she was bipolar!

She had to be locked away in to a physch ward in the hospital for a few weeks. This is the worst I've ever seen her.

Any job she has ever had or girlfriend/boyfriend she has had, anytime shes fired or leaves the job or breaks up with a partner she starts spreading these wild accusations that she was being raped by her boss or partner or being beat up.

Last year the father went against something she said so she started spreading a rumor that he has been sexually abusing the both of us when we where babies up until the age of 3. (You can't remember before the age of 3. We and the doctors believe that she is using this as an excuse for her prescription drug abuse and alcohol addiction.) She broke this news to the family last week that this happened and that the father had admitted it (lies) and its after tearing my poor fathers world apart. Last night he had a suspected heart attack from the stress of the accusations. The doctors said its policy that they have to report these claims to social services and that they will be coming out to interview us at some stage. My sister is highly intelligent and has a phd in law, she is planning on suing my father, aunts and uncles and believes there a big cover up going on. Shes also planning on making a report to the police, but the police told us thtey can't imagine it going very far because they know shes sick in the head.

I'm moving to NZ in October and I feel really guilty about going and leaving all this to my brother and parents to deal with, I don't think I will be able to relax so I'm thinking of canceling going. I'm worried about getting interviewed, like what will I say, what will happen! What if there's a slip up and we say the wrong thing and it does end up going to court and they believe my sister. All these things are going through my head.

I really don't know what to do!

6 months ago she went around spreading rumors that me and my brother where beating the crap out of her! I nearly got the ___ bet out of me because of it. Sitting talking to my family we have realized that a lot of our problems are from her and everything is starting to fall into place.

My parents constantly splitting up. My father is an ex alcoholic and she would hide empty bottles of vodka in their bathroom so my mother would find them and go ape on my father. And my sister would tell my father that she seen mam having coffee with another man and they were holding hands etc. Me and my brother never got along because she used to do the same sort of thing with us and tried to build a divide between us, and it sure as hell worked!

What do I do? Do I cut her off? I have her blocked on FB. Before leaving to NZ do I hug her goodbye or do I not bother going near her when she gets out of hospital? Me and her used to be best pals, but we havent really spoken in the last 6 months because of her actions and constantly biting my head off if I look at her the wrong way. I was thinking if I don't make my peace with her, I don't think shes going to be still around when I get home in a year or two. Shes only going down one road and thats suicide. Should my mother and father cut her off aswell? They have kicked her out of the house, because we believe shes too violent to live here.

I don't really know what I'm asking for here, it would be just great if someone could give me some info or advice on what to do or about the condition she has. I was told that people with this disease they can't feel, show or give love. They just munipulate you if you show them any kind of confection...

I'm 21 and my sister is 26 nearly 27.

This is a scary time in me and my families life.

[traboys]

Anyone?

[SeaSprite]

I can't speak to your situation, it sounds complicated and awful, and there are people here who probably have relevant experience.

But in general:

You should do what you need to do for your life, job, living situation. You can love your sister without letting her ruin your life.

Legal issues you should ask a lawyer. If you are interviewed, be calm. Tell the truth in as few words as possible. Don't get defensive, or lie. Just be honest and to the point, answer what is asked. And, again, get legal advice. You can find free legal help on the internet in a lot of places, lawyers who provide free services for non-profit groups.

As much as possible, live as if your sister were not creating drama. If you want to see her, and you believe it is safe to do so, then see her so that your conscience is clear.

If you are afraid to see her, or think it will make things worse, it is ok not to. It doesn't make you a bad person.

As for the rest of your family, be whatever support you can be, and realize you cannot fix this. She is who she is, she is struggling with issues beyond her own control.

The best help you can be sometimes is to live a good, honest, productive life. Maybe later there will be things you can do to help, but you know what they say about putting on your own mask first, or not letting a drowning person take you down with them.

It is a hard, unfair situation, try to make a good life for yourself and hope for the best.

[SeaSprite]

Oh, and your question about BPD, they can love.

Some generalizations, everyone is different.

But... .emotions over ride everything. If a pwBPD is sad, or angry, they don't know how to cope and they need it to be someone else's fault. Or they do self harm to try to stop the feelings.

They are often terrified of abandonment, and will lie or cheat to try to get the love they want, even though it actually damages the relationship they are trying to save.

They feel like a victim, and believe their truth is everyone else's truth.

They don't have a stable identity, and often take on traits of those around them. When they like you, you are wonderful and the best person ever, when they are mad at you you are evil and horrible. They can't integrate the positive and negative into the whole person, for themselves or others.

There are good resources on this site that describe the illness. It is painful for the sufferer, and those who love him or her.

[Pilate]

Hi traboys and  

It sounds like you, your sister, and all of your family are living and have lived some very scary and upsetting things. It sounds like you are feeling justifiably overwhelmed, and it is great that you are reaching our for support right now.

I don't really know what I'm asking for here, it would be just great if someone could give me some info or advice on what to do or about the condition she has. I was told that people with this disease they can't feel, show or give love. They just munipulate you if you show them any kind of confection...

Addressing the end of your post, I can share from my experience and much of the reading I have done in the lessons section of this board that rather than not showing feelings or showing love it is the opposite. People with BPD feel too much; it is like the volume of their feelings is at 10+ all of the time. I have read a good analogy that having BPD is like walking around without skin--you feel everything and everything hurts, even good things. Which means, feelings are HUGE. In fact, feelings equal facts. So, when a person with BPD feels hurt; they feel HURT and they need a reason or person for the feeling, which is where the false accusations or misremembered history starts to emerge. When they show love, they SHOW LOVE. When they are angry, they are ANGRY.

However, the exhibited feeling from the person with BPD is so out of proportion to a "normal baseline" that it often triggers the other person to want to put distance or slow down the amount of feeling, which triggers the abandonment and shame, which triggers the rage/manipulation/false accusations, and the vicious cycle starts again. If you look back over your post about your experiences, your sister exhibits these extreme feelings, and the feelings are overwhelming, which is where the projection and anger at others comes into play.

People with BPD have very unstable senses of self, are terrified of abandonment, and feel deep shame about themselves; these are characteristics and criteria for the illness. All of these items are swirling around inside all the time, which is where the coping mechanism of manipulation comes in. You might want to look on the right hand side of the page and look at understanding BPD behaviors, managing your relationships, as well as other lessons. It sounds like your family of origin has endured a number of traumatic and emotionally damaging experiences.

This forum is a wonderful community to learn about taking care of yourself when you have a mentally ill family member, and you can learn more about the illness of borderline personality disorder in a place of safety.

Keep posting!

Pilate

[Harri]

Hi traboys.  Oh boy, that is a horrible situation and history.  I don't have answers for you but I do have a lot of opinions and sympathy for your situation.  First tho, I will say I am glad you found this place.  There are advisor and moderators here who can guide you to specific resources on this sight that may help give you some peace and will definitely give you some practical things you can work with in terms of protecting yourself.

You mentioned tha tyou will be moving to NZ in October.  There is plenty of time to make a decision about what you think is best to do.  My personal opinion is that your sister has stolen and tainted enough of your life, I would hate to see you not follow through on your plans.  Your presence will not stop her from doing whatever she plans to do, but I understand that you have to feel comfortable with your choice.  I can only suggest that you take some time, see how this plays out, and make sure any decision you do make is based on what feels right for you and what is best for you rather than based on fear of what *may* happen.  

Her accusations of abuse are just mind boggling in terms of trying to comprehend her craziness and the intense pain they are causing everyone, especially your father.  In terms of being afraid of saying the wrong thing, I don't think there is a wrong thing to say in terms of *you*.  You have stated here that there was no abuse, that your sister is clearly ill, and that you never experienced any such thing.  Tell your truth and let her history of hospitalization speak for itself.  The investigation will surely take a look at her records... .and you can always make sure they they do in fact check out that info.  If it were me, I can envision myself using words like bat-___ crazy and delusions and psychotic in any statements I make.  

Take these words right here and hold on to them:

but the police told us thtey can't imagine it going very far because they know shes sick in the head.

I know these words do not magically make this situation go away, but there is comfort in there as well as a lot of truth.  

The only other bit of good news I see here is that now all of you, mom, dad, bro know what kind of games she has been playing with rumors, made up stories about everyone and how she tried to play you against each other.  She won't be able to get away with that any more.  Check and double check each and every thing she says with the rest of the family before doing any thing.  Knowledge in this case is so very vital.

As for what you do?  Cut her off you ask?  I do not see how you have any other alternative.  Her actions and words have caused unimaginable damage.  To maintain contact while she is in this state?  I would not recommend that, but again, it is up to you to make that decision.  

Shes only going down one road and thats suicide. Should my mother and father cut her off aswell? They have kicked her out of the house, because we believe shes too violent to live here

If she is going down that road, she will go there regardless of what you do or where you are located.  You can't control her and you are absolutely not responsible for her choices or her actions.  leave that to the professionals.  As her sister, or as any family member, including your parents, you are not equipped to deal with suicide.  The only obligation you have is to notify the proper authorities each and every time she mentions or even hints at suicide.

Keep posting here.  I am relatively new to these boards, but I think the weekends are a bit slow so hang in for responses.  I am sure more will come.  In the meantime, keep posting.

I wish you and your family the very best in this difficult time.  I hope your father gets well soon and is able to find some kind of peace while waiting for the authorities to sort this through and dismiss the ridiculous charges.  

Again, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make this all go away.  The next best thing is to listen.  So if you want to post more, go for it.

[lever.]

Hello- I am the mother of two adult daughters-one with BPD and don't usually see this section.

One of the things which has most concerned me is the effect of the situation on the daughter who does not have BPD.

Your situation sounds horrible.

If I was your parent I would feel very unhappy if you changed your life plans because of your sister.

It would help me to know that at least one of my children was following her dreams and living a happy and productive life.

If you are interviewed by the police just calmly tell the truth-that is all you can do.

My BPD daughter also has a history of distorting things and is also very intelligent. I don't think it is actually lying as such-more making the facts fit her feelings.

We have had to endure people thinking horrible stuff about us in the short term but the truth does tend to come out in the end.

You did not cause this situation and cannot cure it-please get on with your own life-your parents will be proud of you and it will help them. You can keep in touch with them and be supportive but changing your own plans will not change your sister.

It is good that you have found this site-there is a lot of information to help you understand your sister's behavior.

Best wishes for whatever you decide to do-don't put your life on hold!

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

I am sorry for you situation.  You are young and only 21.

You need to plan your escape route from all this.  Self preservation mode.

You can't fix any of this.

Glad you are planning a move.   Once you can distance yourself and establish boundaries you can get yourself out of all this drama.    The slander campaigns sound horrible.  People must really know she is mentally ill.   

Keep going forward with creating your own life... .

Best to you!   

[Leelou]

Anyone?

I think everyone is here for you, stay in touch.  Post away we will listen.  It's so hard to live your life without guilt.  The guilt is the killer.  If only you could say the right words.  If only... .We can't help them, we can only help ourselves to be strong.  Stay out of the crazy making, you will only make things more crazy for yourself.  I feel like I am writing this to myself!  But that is the point of logging in here.  Stay safe, big hugs.  You must go to NZ even if you wipe the tears as you go.  Crazy will still be there, it's your choice if you wish to be part of the crazy.  Totally agree that a parent will take heart that one of their children is living their life that is a massive boost.  Live your life, that I think is the best medicine