Sort of a peace

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Life with them is so exhausting that once they are no longer in our lives, there is a certain sense of peace. Sure, I do miss the drug like addiction. The nonstop up and down with them. The intensity of each moment. But when I wanted to be with her all those years back, I never signed up for that. I just wanted a companion, a partner, a lover. It is ironic because she always complained how exhausting her existence is and that she just wants some peace. And for her peace means leaving parents' home, with a husband and a house and two kids and a picket fence... .you get the idea. She has been chasing that idea forever, not the person. I was just one option that she thought couldn't fulfill her ideas.

But in my group therapy and talking to counselors over the last couple of years, I have one basic complaint... .I don't want to date because I have no energy left to invest in a relationship again. I feel completely emptied out. Like I have nothing left to give to another person. I get attractions, I have crushes, but I just don't feel the physical or mental energy to give anymore. And as lonely my social life might be, there is a certain peace now. I know that when my phone rings, it might not be a blow-up. I know when it rings, I won't be picking up with the constant fear "is she leaving me again?" It is nice to have that peace... .

[elessar]

Life with them is so exhausting that once they are no longer in our lives, there is a certain sense of peace. Sure, I do miss the drug like addiction. The nonstop up and down with them. The intensity of each moment. But when I wanted to be with her all those years back, I never signed up for that. I just wanted a companion, a partner, a lover. It is ironic because she always complained how exhausting her existence is and that she just wants some peace. And for her peace means leaving parents' home, with a husband and a house and two kids and a picket fence... .you get the idea. She has been chasing that idea forever, not the person. I was just one option that she thought couldn't fulfill her ideas.

But in my group therapy and talking to counselors over the last couple of years, I have one basic complaint... .I don't want to date because I have no energy left to invest in a relationship again. I feel completely emptied out. Like I have nothing left to give to another person. I get attractions, I have crushes, but I just don't feel the physical or mental energy to give anymore. And as lonely my social life might be, there is a certain peace now. I know that when my phone rings, it might not be a blow-up. I know when it rings, I won't be picking up with the constant fear "is she leaving me again?" It is nice to have that peace... .

[seeking balance]

Gratitude for those calm moments certainly make my list too. 

Peace,

SB

[Cumulus]

Hi elessar, sounds like you have found contentment with just being who and where you are. As over used as it is, you are living in the moment. Awesome 

[enlighten me]

I can completely relate to this. I get up in the morning and don't have the worry of what my morning reprimand will be. I make myself something to eat without worrying about being moaned at as I haven't made her anything even though I asked 3 times if she wanted anything. I don't clock watch to make sure that Im not 1 minute late for anything. My life is relatively stress free. I went out a couple of weeks back and two women commented on what a smiley person I was. My old self has returned. A little battered around the edges but nowhere near as battered as it was.

As for the emotional energy for another relationship I can totally agree. I feel that I cannot give that as Im burnt out. I know after my break up with my ex wife I felt the same but still managed to find it 2 years later when I got together with my uBPDexgf. Now after 2 uBPD relationships Im in no rush to enter another.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, the peaks and valleys are definitely more extreme with a high-conflict partner like a borderline, in the end it was all valley and no peak, and I don't miss the anxiety and the uncertainty at all; all the stress went to my shoulders and my neck, and it took months and plenty of massage therapy to get all the kinks out.

So yes, immediate relief, calm, peace, then processing, plenty of processing, self doubt, adjustment of beliefs, growth, distinctions.  Then a new calm, calmer than before, but also somewhat flatlined, no peaks, no valleys.  I'm ready for some topography.  Yes, it's important to regroup, recover and take care of ourselves before we embark on another romance, but a healthy one will be a whole lot less work than crazygirl, and one hallmark of a great relationship is many more peaks than valleys, and a median elevation that is higher than the flatlined solo mode.  Humans are social animals, born to connect, and I'm ready to take my revised self out into the world and see what I can create with someone great.  And I don't know about you, but I don't see much chance of someone with a PD getting very far next time, my radar is finely tuned.  So there.

[elessar]

And I don't know about you, but I don't see much chance of someone with a PD getting very far next time, my radar is finely tuned.  So there.

I didn't have any red flag detector before. Now I have one of the best in the world 

The peace is always intertwined with confusion and anger. My T says it is okay to be angry. Its been 45 days since she was as good, nice, and in love with me as any in the past 13-14 yrs we have known each other. Yesterday she might have gotten engaged. Of course, I shouldn't be shocked after the infinite recycles. But this recycle was tied as the strongest ever, as strong as after her reappearance after a 4 year disappearance. In May I was prepared the recycle would end. Can't believe by July she had me convinced she is here for real... .

Finding peace within at my own stupidity to keep falling for it has been harder.

[OutOfEgypt]

Me too.  Finely tuned detector.  An awareness that I did not have before. 

[pavilion]

... .I don't want to date because I have no energy left to invest in a relationship again. I feel completely emptied out. Like I have nothing left to give to another person. I get attractions, I have crushes, but I just don't feel the physical or mental energy to give anymore. And as lonely my social life might be, there is a certain peace now. I know that when my phone rings, it might not be a blow-up. I know when it rings, I won't be picking up with the constant fear "is she leaving me again?" It is nice to have that peace... .

I can relate to this comment. I am not completely out of the FOG yet but he my ex no longer lives with me and at the moment we are Low contact. The peace in the house is very strange. I became used to conflict, awaiting conflict and trying to avoid conflict. It took up a lot of mental energy! I also have the feeling that I will struggle to enter into a new relationship in the future. Some of that is fear. Fear that I will fall head over heels and be let down so catastrophically again. Rationally of course I do have a good newly installed  detector!

[Blimblam]

Ellesar

I can really relate to your post. It's nice to find peace in being alone.  My buddy the other day asked me if I felt like dating and I said, "no". I smoking hot 20 year old hinted at me to ask her on a date telling me that I'm cute enough. Really though I could feel a nice rush and sense if enthusiasm. A way to ignore all the issues I got going on.  It would be fun and she is like a solid 8.5 probably a 9 with make up. Being honest with myself though the answer is no I am not ready. 

It is such a gift to ourselves to take the time to be alone and heal. I applaud where you have gotten To in your journey!

[Perfidy]

How goes it Ellesar? Hope most things are well with you. Just a suggestion; Date. Go and experience others. They aren't all the same. You don't have to project every date turning into a relationship. Taking this approach could lessen the feeling of giving in a relationship and take the pressure off. Set goals. No relationships for say six months to a year. See what's out there. Don't take yourself too serious. No one else does. I mean that impersonally. Objectively. After all I don't even know you!

   The dating different ladies helped put me back into a more relaxed and confidant state after being stripped to the core and left essential. I now have an opportunity to experience my self with a fuller understanding of my self. This helps me to recognize what is going to be more gratifying and also recognize what is life draining. I've lived a little more and replaced that feeling of lifelessness with new life experiences. It's worth the effort.

             

                              Perfidy.

[Aussie JJ]

I remember how quite the house was when I kicked mine out... .

Literally, dead.  I spent 2 or 3 months catching up on sleep debt.  Now, I enjoy reading books again, cooking for myself, just being... .

Thank you for that reminder

I used to actually sleep in the car around the block as I knew I couldn't get any sleep at home... .  Haven't done that since she moved out!