Now I think she's just cruel

[caughtnreleased]

Hi... .I'm angry about an incident that recently happened with my uBPD mother.  I recently moved to a new apartment, and wanted to furnish it with a rug.  I asked my mother if I could have one of the multiple Persian rugs she and my dad ended up with when my paternal grandmother passed away (she has so many some of them overlap).  She said yes she would give me a really small one, but then never delivered, after I asked several times.  A while ago I was visiting my sisters house... .and guess what she had on her floor?  The small Persian rug from my parents house... .  This is so incredibly typical of my family dynamics... .I am at a loss, although I must say I am starting to feel some serious hatred for this woman, or this family.  They feel toxic.  My mother bends over backwards for my sister, and they both seem to like to rub it in my face.  And now my sister is manipulating her four year old toddler to badmouth my mother when she's not around... .And I'm the one who doesn't fit into this family anymore. Sorry I'm just disgusted by them.

[Ziggiddy]

It's understandable, c'n'r. It can seem like the smallest request no matter how simple becomes a bone of contention in power mongering and/or one-upmanship.

It goes beyond being a reasonable request and just becomes an object to lord it over someone IMO.

It's sad that everything continues to be distorted by the most egocentric of mirrors. It can seem like your family is populated with strangers at times can't it? i'm sorry your mother jerked you around on such an easy matter - as in easy to help you out.

Of course when i am cynical I start to think "What if my mother DD acquiesce to one of my requests? how much am i gonna have to pay for it later? And then i get annoyed cause it's my mother - why do I have to PAY for everything?

Anyway not to steal your thunder - just sympathising with your frustration. Sounds like your mother would rather 'win' than help you out. It's not about the rug is it?

Ziggiddy

[P.F.Change]

It sounds like you're feeling hurt... .I think anyone probably would be hurt in your situation. I know feeling unheard was a source of trauma for me. In your case it sounds like they do hear you but use what you say to intentionally hurt you. Ziggiddy is right, this is about a lot more than a rug. And I think you may be right, too--your family doesn't seem like a safe place to go to get your needs met.

Does this recent experience change your expectations for your family in any way?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[caughtnreleased]

I guess it doesn't change my expectations, but perhaps somewhat from my sister as she sometimes portrays herself as a reasonable ally and then things like this happen and I just don't know what to think anymore. I think it's just difficult for me to come to

The realization that my family will not help me, and if anything will hurt me. This is tough in a society where family is thought to be the first go-to place. Sure, I have friends, but I find it's not the same. It all makes me feel very alone.

[caughtnreleased]

I guess the other difficult thing is that this rug was from my grandmother who actually did provide for me and was extremely generous with me and the rest of the family. Since her death my mother is hoarding all her stuff, including things my grandmother left for me  and my sister and if I ask for any of these items that are mine she takes a hissy fit... .You're right, she just needs to win, and in the meantime I'm left totally alone.

[jdtm]

I ask for any of these items that are mine she takes a hissy fit... .

one question - were these things designated to be yours in your grandmother's will?  If not, then "what" was promised to you by her (but not written down in the will) was just that - words.  I know because we are now going through the same thing - if the item(s) is not listed in the will, then the beneficiaries are the recipients of the entire estate (to do with as they see fit).  This is the law - not fair - but it is "the law".

[funfunctional]

Hi,

Sounds pretty mean to me too.   And it puts you at odds with your sister.    I find they love to create drama between siblings... .BPD people.   

I have learned in this life that a good friend is much better than some family members.  Craigs list or some of these sites for used rugs better choice.   

Time to stop looking to them to do and be something they are not.   I am still in process of creating a new support system for myself... .

Good luck.

[caughtnreleased]

I ask for any of these items that are mine she takes a hissy fit... .

one question - were these things designated to be yours in your grandmother's will?  If not, then "what" was promised to you by her (but not written down in the will) was just that - words.  I know because we are now going through the same thing - if the item(s) is not listed in the will, then the beneficiaries are the recipients of the entire estate (to do with as they see fit).  This is the law - not fair - but it is "the law".

Hi yes it's true, legally they are not mine. But after my grandmother's death the family pretty much had to fight for my grandmothers belongings, and my mother went head to head against my aunt, which in my opinion was not her place, because it was my father's mother, not my mother's mother.  Anyway, there were certain things agreed on in the family and set aside for my sister and I (in fact this was a big bargaining chip for my mother against my aunt... .that she was fighting for my sister and I), but now my mother either claims the objects are hers (if they are valuable artifacts), or doesn't want to give them up because she says we are not sufficiently responsible to look after these objects (like dishes, etc).   So it was agreed on, but it would require a very big fight in order to take possession of things that belong to us. 

[caughtnreleased]

Hi funfunctional,

You are completely right.  Craigslist will get me my rug... .unfortunately, it won't give me a mother... .that's the part in the equation I think that I'm most upset about.  I don't really have a mom... .it's a tough thing to fully realize.  And it slowly has been sinking in, and every time I think I've made my peace with it, another incident like this brings it all back and I realize that it's harder than you think to just accept that the person who should most have been looking out for you, just wasn't, and just isn't... .and in fact, kind of seems to want to make you unhappy.

[Harri]

Hi Caughtnreleased. 

funfuctional is right when she says it is time to stop looking for them to be something they are not.  Wow, that pretty much says it all.

I think there are layers to everything:  layers to healing, layers to acceptance, and layers to grief (and whatever else I am missing here).  All we can do is take it a layer at a time.  (All of a sudden I am craving a piece of chocolate layer cake... .one of my bad coping strategies is to eat.    )

Lately I have been back on a kick about not taking their behavior personally (because I seem to have lost sight of that truth) so this caught my eye:

in fact, kind of seems to want to make you unhappy.

I think very little of their behavior has clear intent behind it... .or if there is intent it is indirect in a way, as it stems from whatever internal feeling *they* are having about their own self and has nothing to do with you.  I don't know about you but thinking their actions include conscious intent to hurt me makes it very difficult for me to depersonalize their crazy behaviors and to put the responsibility squarely back where it belongs:  on them.  Me being me, when I don't depersonalize, I go directly to why does she hate me so much and what did I do to deserve that.  It is a big struggle for me not to go there so I keep trying to put things in a different framework.

CnR, Buy yourself a better rug and make your own memories on it.   

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Harri, you are totally right.  I am trying my damndest to make some great memories on that new rug... .whenever I do get it.  Sometimes I guess I let these things get to me... .or I don't but it builds up and then it finally does get to me. Because it actually never stops with my mother.  And given that I'm still building that new life, sometimes it feels really lonely. I indeed feel like a stranger in my family, and sometimes when they all are yelling at eachother, I feel like the only adult, who knows how to act reasonable.  What they do (fighting, manipulation, badmouthing eachother etc) seems to work for them... .it doesn't work for me, but I still haven't found what it is that DOES work for me... .so that's a hard one too.  When I think about intent, I guess it just makes me really angry and that I don't deserve to be treated so badly... .I mostly feel badly about myself because I am the odd man out.

I really appreciate your advice.

[Harri]

Hi CnR.  I am sorry you are feeling left out and that your mom and sister have treated you so poorly.  Feeling like the odd man out is so very painful and no matter how much we know logically that it is not a group we really want to be a part of because of things like fighting, manipulation, badmouthing, etc, it is still our family and of course we want to fit in and feel a part of that group.  I think we are wired to want family and to belong and it is lonely and so very painful to know we do not fit. 

The thing is, you could fit in if you wanted to... .you could lie, manipulate, gossip, etc if you chose to do those things.  You have, obviously chosen to not do those things and instead you have chosen a better path for yourself.  That is remarkable when you think about it and to me it speaks of your character.  It is unfortunate that your family has chosen to engage in behaviors that alienate you and are ones you choose not to do.  While you may feel like you have lost out, I think the greater loss is theirs.     You are not the odd man out.  You are the winner in this particular scenario.   

You do not deserve to be treated the way they have treated you.  You will find better.  In the meantime, you know that letting the hurt or loneliness or whatever the feeling is to not build other wise you get upset over a rug even tho we know it is not really about the rug.   

What are you doing to take care of yourself when you feel like this? 

[Progress Not Perfection]

Craigslist will get me my rug... .unfortunately, it won't give me a mother... .that's the part in the equation I think that I'm most upset about. 

Caught n Released,

Wow, what a sad, but also insightful comment. I have also experienced that feeling of "I don't know why this hurts so much -- it's just a [insert piece of furniture, etc here]" but really it's the sadness of not being taken care of and nurtured like you deserve to, and like you really needed her to when you were  young.

Sounds like others have given some great suggestions, but I wanted to chime in and say how much I appreciated your insight!

[jdtm]

So it was agreed on, but it would require a very big fight in order to take possession of things that belong to us. 

I assume you loved your grandmother very much.  No one can change that - whether you have her "things" or not not.  I agree with funfunctional - go and buy a rug (or dish or jewellery or ... .) that reminds you of your grandmother - colours or style or whatever - and when you look at it, you will have fond memories of her.  As for your mother (or lack thereof) - I am so sorry - we have the same issue in my husband's family and I know it hurts.  Unfortunately, sometimes it is what it is.

[caughtnreleased]

Thank you all for your feedback.  Yes, I think the reason that these gestures from my mother still hurt is because I have not let's say "replaced" her... .ie: I don't feel fully secure in the relationships that I have with my friends.  In fact I recently have had some disappointments with friends, which I suppose makes the reminder that my when my friends fail, my family isn't there to back me up.  I think it's also hard for me to feel safe in relationships and in groups given the fact that my family experience has been so hurtful... .I've been working at it, but sometimes I just feel that all these "friends", "groups", "acquaintances" are actually quite fragile relationships.  Of course, perhaps they are only fragile if I let them be... .Anyway, thanks again for your support. It really helps to make a bit of sense out of nonsensical experiences.

[funfunctional]

Hi Caughtnreleased,

I do understand the emotional pain of realizing your mom won't be who you wish her to be.  I have had to come to grips with this with a couple people in my life.   My x husband,  my mother in law and my sister.    Big disapointments.      The hardest to accept is my sister.    My x husband was replaceable!     

Over time as you shift into changing your expectations of them I think it will get easier.   If you don't expect you can't be disapointed. 

Best to you and lot of hugs your way.     

[Ziggiddy]

caughtnreleased

It seems like you have experienced some clarity there and you should be proud to have identified and been honest with yourself about your feelings.

I know what you mean about fragile relationships. We all need to feel that we are a worthwhile part of any r/ship and we generally turn to friends when our family r/ships are less than ideal. Ultimately it may be worth focussing on ways to learn to replace your family and friends love with self love - something that is very difficult to learn when you've been brought up under the conditions that you have.

It's harder because your flaws and mistakes have all been unduly magnified by BPD from your mother. This makes it doubly tricky because you're working from disadvantage to try and find yourself worthy when you haven't got the natural maternal voice saying "You're wonderful and miraculous and lovable just the way you are." And when friends aren't seconding that voice, maybe due to their own weakness or self involvement it gets harder. Then your own voice is swamped and hard to believe. Unconvincing even. A tendency to find fault with yourself that you no doubt learned from your mother coupled with perhaps not feeling loved enough by your friends can lead to deep dissatisfaction especially when your own voice is not loud and present.

Now I don't know you but I have read a number of things that you have read and i am willing to tell you this: you have a wonderful way of expressing yourself and a deep level of honesty. Your sadness in some of the things you have written is palpable and in truth it takes great honesty to be able to get that across in the written word ... .and yet you have. I can see you have terrific qualities and I hope I really hope you can hear my voice over the clatter. And that THAT as well as the other caring voices here can reach over the lack of love that your mother continues to show you and prove that if strangers can care and like you that you MUST be likable REGARDLESS of your insensitive mother. There is something wrong with HER not you. I hope you can allow your own voice to become the one you believe. Because you can trust that.

Peace c'n'r. Peace I wish you joy and love and  peace

 

[littlebirdcline]

I think very little of their behavior has clear intent behind it... .or if there is intent it is indirect in a way, as it stems from whatever internal feeling *they* are having about their own self and has nothing to do with you.  I don't know about you but thinking their actions include conscious intent to hurt me makes it very difficult for me to depersonalize their crazy behaviors and to put the responsibility squarely back where it belongs:  on them.  Me being me, when I don't depersonalize, I go directly to why does she hate me so much and what did I do to deserve that.  It is a big struggle for me not to go there so I keep trying to put things in a different framework.

I completely agree.  It's been incredibly difficult to accept, but I think I am finally getting this.  I know my mother loves me, and would never intentionally hurt me.  But in her warped perceptions of reality and emotional immaturity, she does not realize what she is doing.  I think she often thinks the things she says are helpful instead of hurtful.  The incredibly critical things she says are her way of trying to give helpful advice.  She really doesn't understand what is wrong with it. 

Caughtandreleased, your description of the dynamic with your sister reminded me of my mother's interactions with her own family.  I believe my grandmother has some mental health issues, perhaps NPD, and my mother's siblings are all incredibly dysfunctional.  I have my issues with my mother and what I am convinced is uBPD, but she has been treated horribly by her family her entire life.  She is the only one to graduate high school, have a marriage that has stood the test of time, raised fairly functional children, never been arrested or addicted,etc... .  They treat her like SHE is the blacksheep.  I am convinced that deep down, she reminds them all- including my grandmother- that they could have made better choices. 

I wonder if something similar is going on with your family dynamic. Your mother relates to your sister because they have similar issues, and something about you threatens them?  Maybe I way off base, but whatever is going on, it's not really about you.  It's about what they have projected on you, the image of you they have created to prop up their own warped version of reality.

Good luck!  I agree with the other comments about go buy a rug.  At this point, if you had the one in contention, it would probably just remind you of unpleasant things when you looked at it. 

[caughtnreleased]

caughtnreleased

It seems like you have experienced some clarity there and you should be proud to have identified and been honest with yourself about your feelings.

I know what you mean about fragile relationships. We all need to feel that we are a worthwhile part of any r/ship and we generally turn to friends when our family r/ships are less than ideal. Ultimately it may be worth focussing on ways to learn to replace your family and friends love with self love - something that is very difficult to learn when you've been brought up under the conditions that you have.

It's harder because your flaws and mistakes have all been unduly magnified by BPD from your mother. This makes it doubly tricky because you're working from disadvantage to try and find yourself worthy when you haven't got the natural maternal voice saying "You're wonderful and miraculous and lovable just the way you are." And when friends aren't seconding that voice, maybe due to their own weakness or self involvement it gets harder. Then your own voice is swamped and hard to believe. Unconvincing even. A tendency to find fault with yourself that you no doubt learned from your mother coupled with perhaps not feeling loved enough by your friends can lead to deep dissatisfaction especially when your own voice is not loud and present.

Now I don't know you but I have read a number of things that you have read and i am willing to tell you this: you have a wonderful way of expressing yourself and a deep level of honesty. Your sadness in some of the things you have written is palpable and in truth it takes great honesty to be able to get that across in the written word ... .and yet you have. I can see you have terrific qualities and I hope I really hope you can hear my voice over the clatter. And that THAT as well as the other caring voices here can reach over the lack of love that your mother continues to show you and prove that if strangers can care and like you that you MUST be likable REGARDLESS of your insensitive mother. There is something wrong with HER not you. I hope you can allow your own voice to become the one you believe. Because you can trust that.

Peace c'n'r. Peace I wish you joy and love and  peace

 

Dear Ziggiddy. Wow. Thank you for these touching words.  I will keep them and go back to them on the days when I need that reminder to trust and love myself.  Thank you so much.

[zubizou87]

Ugh my family do this too, I find it particularly pathetic as the modern world is becoming decidedly unconsumerist. I've really embraced the minimalist lifestyle and I find as well as cutting out clutter it cuts out the nasty vulture arguements about who gets what plate etc.

A similar situation happened when my Grandfather recently died and I have a lovely memory of him giving me some badges from Soviet Russia, I studied Russian history at University and he gave me a few from a big glass jar he had. I love the five badges he gave me and they are a permenant fixture in my jewellry box, now that he has passed away they are also a nice momento of him.

After he passed away my mother and sister seemed to try to get a rise out of me by saying my Grandfather had promised the glass jar of badges to my sister because they had a close relationship. I honestly didn't mind who got the rest of the badges because I love the ones he gave me but i found it really wierd that my sister kept asking me over and over again if I was upset Grandpa gave her the badges. It's like dysfunctional families just keep pressing buttons to hurt and abuse other people in their family they don't know why they just have the compulsion to do so.

My advice, become a minimalist it's revolutionary, when stuff and money aren't involved the only way people can 'buy' their way into your life is by behaving themselves and treating you well.