Last two months of my marriage to BPD/NPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been in an abusive relationship with a BPD/NPD for 11 years, married for 6.

Over the course of our relationship I've experienced the whole range of abusive behaviors typical to PD, both physical and emotional, with loads of projection,

gaslighting, rage fits, meltdowns and false accusations, etc.

What brought me to research personality disorders was the way my STBXW acted out during the last two months of our marriage.  During these two months she

removed all the governors that held her sanity in check. She entered into a state of complete self-entitlement and self-righteousness. The crazy-making and

gaslighting was extreme and she showed a total lack of empathy for the damage she was inflicting on me / our marriage. Her behavior shocked me to the core

and left me in a state of total confusion and complete emotional destruction by the end of it.

Her over the top behavior during the last two months of our marriage opened my eyes to who she really was as a person, I “saw” her in her true form for the

first time. Before this episode, I knew she was abusive, I just didn’t know that she was willing to take things as far as she did.

I am going to detail only the last two months of our marriage because this period of time led to my lightbulb moment. It was the excruciating realization and

truth that I was married to a psychotic individual. Before this point I didn’t know she had a bona fide disorder. I thought, given her family’s disfunction and

upbringing, she just had, you know, “some issues”. 

The story of the last two months of my marriage to BPD/NPD wife, in a nut shell;

It all started when I got wise to an emotional affair she was getting involved in. I’ve never been a jealous person and was alright with her getting to know

someone. She had recently move up to our mountain cabin, staying there four to five days a week. I would see her every weekend and a couple of days

during the week when she was in the city working. Things seemed to be going well for us with this distance and I was happy she was enjoying her new

life in the mountains.

I was supportive of her making new friends in the new town we were both going to call home in the near future. One night out to dinner she told me

more about this new “friend” she had made. I listened to her talk about how amazing this person was and how they had a special connection. She also

divulged that the OM had a crush on her. She assured me that there was going to be no issues with this crush and OM knew she was married.

I didn’t say much in response. I only voiced a bit of concern and left it at that. We went our separate ways after dinner. I needed to get back to the city

for work the next morning, she stayed in the cabin.

I thought about what she had told me on my two hour drive home. By the time I arrived back in the city I no longer felt good about this new friend and

called her to talk about how I was feeling.

I had an intuitive hunch that I needed to step up and create some boundaries between her and this new friend. The conversation started out with her

reassuring me that I need not be concerned and attempted to downplay their friendship. I wasn’t convinced, especially after what she’d told me the night

before regarding there “special connection” and his crush. I asked her to break contact with him and this request turned into an argument. I then demanded

she not speak with him, at least until I met him and got to know him as well. She reluctantly agreed. She said she would contact him one last time to tell him

she was no longer going to be able to continue there friendship unabated.

She came home the next evening. On her way home she sent me a couple of sweet texts. They made me a bit suspicious though. Something didn’t feel quite

right. When she arrived home she was giddy and looked as though she had been crying. I questioned her about this and her reply was she didn’t get much

sleep the night before. I didn’t question things any further.

She went to visit a friend a little while later and left her phone behind. I had never felt the need or desire to check her phone in the past but something told

me I should now. Before I checked her phone I was terrified at what I might find. I paced around the house for a little while and then could no longer help myself.

I checked her phone.

What I found made me feel as though I was going to black out, my legs got weak and I had to sit down. My stomach was in my throat and I felt sick. I saw she

had a three hour conversation into the wee hours of the morning with OM and as well a very emotionally sappy text message sent to OM right after the texts she

sent me. 

When she got home I was an emotional mess. She was giddy and smiling, almost dancing around the house, as though life was going perfectly well. I mentioned

the text message and phone call I had found on her phone. She acted like it was no big deal and said that I was over reacting and that she hoped I’d find them,

that’s why she left her phone.

This was the beginning of the triangulation.

Over the course of a few days we got into many heated arguments about her involvement with this OM. Every time OM was brought up she would simultaneously

brag of their divine connection and that he was sent to her by the goddess while down playing her involvement with him. To her, I was over reacting and blowing

things out of proportion. And if I demanded her to stop seeing OM I was controlling and suppressing her freedom of expression. She claimed I aways controlling

her, which is total nonsense.

Exposing her emotional affair was the unhinging of her PD. She went into a state of total self-entitlement. She refused to stop talking to and seeing the OM. She

continued to complain I was being controlling and that by me not allowing her to see OM I was holding her back from her spiritual growth. How dare I not allow

her to form a relationship with whomever she pleases. She told me she now realized she had enough room in her heart to love more than just me. She eventually

proclaimed she wanted an open marriage and that she had love for this OM.

The tug of war continued for weeks. She would tell me all about how deep her connection with this OM was and how she never felt so seen and understood by anyone.

If I didn’t want to hear about this connection and how “amazing” it was or if I got upset about what I was hearing, then I was invalidating her experience. I should be

supportive of her and be open to her new awakened life with this OM. How dare I invalidate her and not respect her need to follow her feelings. She would rage on and

on about this.

I was trying my best to listen to her and at the same time bring some rational thought into the mix of craziness. She refused to listen to any amount of rationalization

and would say she was only willing to follow her feelings. She disregarded all logic and my attempts at bringing her back into our committed marriage. Basically, I was

in what started to seem like a no win situation. At this point she was saying that the structure of marriage was no longer serving her spiritual growth.

I did everything I could to hold onto the one I loved. She could care less. What she wanted was for me to stick around long enough to see if this OM was worth leaving

me for. Basically for me to be her doormat. She seemed perplexed that I was so upset at her new relationship. Claimed that I hadn’t done enough inner work because I

couldn’t accept an open marriage.

There were times when I would be crying my eyes out with my face in my lap, totally devastated and wrecked. I would look up and she would be sitting there smiling

(more like a smirk). I would ask what she was smiling about and she would respond “I don’t understand why this is making you so upset”. I would try and explain how

it feels to be in my shoes and she couldn’t find a bit of empathy or compassion for me. She was only concerned with what she felt deserved and needed, never how the

situation was effecting me.

I should mention that we were having the greatest sex I had ever had with her during this time. She was love bombing me like crazy. I was one moment feeling like I got

back to the honeymoon days and simultaneously being thrashed to the ground. It was so confusing and emotionally devastating. There were moments I felt she didn’t

want our marriage to end. She would say that she didn’t know how she could live without me, telling me what an amazing person I was and how much she loved me. She

would list all the things she admired about me and tell me that she didn’t want to live without me in her life. This also came with a total devaluation of me as a person.

She would split me repeatedly, hour to hour, day to day. I never knew what to expect.

Back and forth it went for two months. Toward the end I was getting fed up. I started to realize that she wasn’t going to back down from seeing OM regardless of what

I said or did. I felt I had given this all I had. I was broken and exhausted. Had lost 20 pounds and couldn’t sleep more than a few hours a night.

I made an appointment for us to see our therapist. I told my wife during this session that I wanted a divorce if she wouldn’t stop seeing OM and recommit to our marriage. 

I told her I had waited long enough for her to make up her mind. She backed down after this. Said she would break all contact with OM and give our marriage another chance.

This lasted a week.

The final straw; I drove to our cabin one night spontaneously after a conversation I had with her. She said she was really missing me and wanted me there with her, so I

left for the mountains. When I arrived, the grass was mowed and the place looked great. I asked her who came over to do the yard work. She said it was the OM. When

I got upset about this she seemed shocked and surprised and couldn’t understand why I was so upset. She told me “Someone needed to take care of the land if I was no

longer going to be around”.

Next morning I packed my things and left our mountain cabin for good, with a broken heart and feeling like I was going to die from shock and grief. This was when things

started really going south. She realized that I had hit the point of no return. I wouldn’t answer her calls nor text messages for the next few days. She finally showed up in

the city for work (she works from our home). Tells me she’s filing for divorce and blame shifts all our marital issues on me and says her divorcing me has nothing to do with

the OM “he’s just a friend!”. How dare I try to control her life! She’s going to kill the marriage. That’s exactly how she put it.

She blames me for: her infertility, her lack of self expression, I held her back from her spiritual growth, I’m controlling / abusive, we were never a good match, doesn’t know

why we should remain married when we don’t have children, the only reason she married me was to have children, I don’t make enough money to support her the way she

“should” be supported, I’m living off of her, I forced her to work, the list goes on and on. She denied that she got involved with another man aka had an affair. Claims that I

was just over reacting to her new “friend”. Tells our friends that she left me because the above mentioned reasons. Always failing to mention the OM to her/our friends.

She threw all this blame in my face then filed for divorce before I had a chance to pick myself up from the emotional devastation. She threatened me with a drawn out court

case that would leave me broke if I challenged her in court. She comes from an extremely wealthy family so I took this threat seriously. She basically forced me to sign a

settlement agreement where I was left with very little. Lost my dog, cabin, home in the city and left with a crushed soul.

Over the last couple of months, since I’ve gone NC, she has tried to recycle me, used general push / pull tactics, blame me for off the wall stuff like stealing her mail and

has tried to lure me in using our dog. I never took the bait though. Thank god for the research I’ve done on BPD/NPD. If it hadn’t been for the information I found online

I think I would still be struggling in a major way. I now understand she has a serious disorder and that it’s not all my fault. Before I found info on PD I thought I was the

one that was messed up and felt like I failed as a husband and partner. I wondered what I had done so wrong or what I could have done better to save our marriage.

I now see I wasn’t the problem. I tried my best to meet her needs and give her what she said she wanted (which changed constantly). Over the years I struggled to move

beyond her abuse and accept her, flaws and all. I gave her all the love I had to give. I was a devoted and loyal partner to her, only to be betrayed and discarded for fresh

narcissistic supply.

I know she’s now with this OM and that I’ve been replaced. She moved straight from our marriage into someone else’s arms. I’ve now been painted black by her and can

only imagine what she’s told her family and friends. Her family hasn’t called me even though I’ve tried to contact them for support. Her family is the reason she has PD so

it’s what I’ve come to expect from them.

I’m two months out of the FOG and starting to feel somewhat better. I still have some ruff days / moments. I lost all self-esteem and direction in my life over the course

of the 11 years with her. I’m a shadow of the man I once was. I gave all I had to give and more. I need to crawl out of this emotional debt and reclaim my self-worth. I feel

it’s going to be a long journey back to wholeness. Now that I’m free of her I realize just how much damage I’ve suffered from years of abuse and craziness that comes with

loving a BPD/NPD. I’m going to see this healing process through to the end. It’s what I deserve. I’m a sensitive and loving man and I want to be able to share my love again

with someone in the future. Someone who’s healthy and whole, not a half-human that’s devoid of compassion, empathy and the ability to love.

Peace,

RisingSun 







 

[RisingSun]

I've been in an abusive relationship with a BPD/NPD for 11 years, married for 6.

Over the course of our relationship I've experienced the whole range of abusive behaviors typical to PD, both physical and emotional, with loads of projection,

gaslighting, rage fits, meltdowns and false accusations, etc.

What brought me to research personality disorders was the way my STBXW acted out during the last two months of our marriage.  During these two months she

removed all the governors that held her sanity in check. She entered into a state of complete self-entitlement and self-righteousness. The crazy-making and

gaslighting was extreme and she showed a total lack of empathy for the damage she was inflicting on me / our marriage. Her behavior shocked me to the core

and left me in a state of total confusion and complete emotional destruction by the end of it.

Her over the top behavior during the last two months of our marriage opened my eyes to who she really was as a person, I “saw” her in her true form for the

first time. Before this episode, I knew she was abusive, I just didn’t know that she was willing to take things as far as she did.

I am going to detail only the last two months of our marriage because this period of time led to my lightbulb moment. It was the excruciating realization and

truth that I was married to a psychotic individual. Before this point I didn’t know she had a bona fide disorder. I thought, given her family’s disfunction and

upbringing, she just had, you know, “some issues”. 

The story of the last two months of my marriage to BPD/NPD wife, in a nut shell;

It all started when I got wise to an emotional affair she was getting involved in. I’ve never been a jealous person and was alright with her getting to know

someone. She had recently move up to our mountain cabin, staying there four to five days a week. I would see her every weekend and a couple of days

during the week when she was in the city working. Things seemed to be going well for us with this distance and I was happy she was enjoying her new

life in the mountains.

I was supportive of her making new friends in the new town we were both going to call home in the near future. One night out to dinner she told me

more about this new “friend” she had made. I listened to her talk about how amazing this person was and how they had a special connection. She also

divulged that the OM had a crush on her. She assured me that there was going to be no issues with this crush and OM knew she was married.

I didn’t say much in response. I only voiced a bit of concern and left it at that. We went our separate ways after dinner. I needed to get back to the city

for work the next morning, she stayed in the cabin.

I thought about what she had told me on my two hour drive home. By the time I arrived back in the city I no longer felt good about this new friend and

called her to talk about how I was feeling.

I had an intuitive hunch that I needed to step up and create some boundaries between her and this new friend. The conversation started out with her

reassuring me that I need not be concerned and attempted to downplay their friendship. I wasn’t convinced, especially after what she’d told me the night

before regarding there “special connection” and his crush. I asked her to break contact with him and this request turned into an argument. I then demanded

she not speak with him, at least until I met him and got to know him as well. She reluctantly agreed. She said she would contact him one last time to tell him

she was no longer going to be able to continue there friendship unabated.

She came home the next evening. On her way home she sent me a couple of sweet texts. They made me a bit suspicious though. Something didn’t feel quite

right. When she arrived home she was giddy and looked as though she had been crying. I questioned her about this and her reply was she didn’t get much

sleep the night before. I didn’t question things any further.

She went to visit a friend a little while later and left her phone behind. I had never felt the need or desire to check her phone in the past but something told

me I should now. Before I checked her phone I was terrified at what I might find. I paced around the house for a little while and then could no longer help myself.

I checked her phone.

What I found made me feel as though I was going to black out, my legs got weak and I had to sit down. My stomach was in my throat and I felt sick. I saw she

had a three hour conversation into the wee hours of the morning with OM and as well a very emotionally sappy text message sent to OM right after the texts she

sent me. 

When she got home I was an emotional mess. She was giddy and smiling, almost dancing around the house, as though life was going perfectly well. I mentioned

the text message and phone call I had found on her phone. She acted like it was no big deal and said that I was over reacting and that she hoped I’d find them,

that’s why she left her phone.

This was the beginning of the triangulation.

Over the course of a few days we got into many heated arguments about her involvement with this OM. Every time OM was brought up she would simultaneously

brag of their divine connection and that he was sent to her by the goddess while down playing her involvement with him. To her, I was over reacting and blowing

things out of proportion. And if I demanded her to stop seeing OM I was controlling and suppressing her freedom of expression. She claimed I aways controlling

her, which is total nonsense.

Exposing her emotional affair was the unhinging of her PD. She went into a state of total self-entitlement. She refused to stop talking to and seeing the OM. She

continued to complain I was being controlling and that by me not allowing her to see OM I was holding her back from her spiritual growth. How dare I not allow

her to form a relationship with whomever she pleases. She told me she now realized she had enough room in her heart to love more than just me. She eventually

proclaimed she wanted an open marriage and that she had love for this OM.

The tug of war continued for weeks. She would tell me all about how deep her connection with this OM was and how she never felt so seen and understood by anyone.

If I didn’t want to hear about this connection and how “amazing” it was or if I got upset about what I was hearing, then I was invalidating her experience. I should be

supportive of her and be open to her new awakened life with this OM. How dare I invalidate her and not respect her need to follow her feelings. She would rage on and

on about this.

I was trying my best to listen to her and at the same time bring some rational thought into the mix of craziness. She refused to listen to any amount of rationalization

and would say she was only willing to follow her feelings. She disregarded all logic and my attempts at bringing her back into our committed marriage. Basically, I was

in what started to seem like a no win situation. At this point she was saying that the structure of marriage was no longer serving her spiritual growth.

I did everything I could to hold onto the one I loved. She could care less. What she wanted was for me to stick around long enough to see if this OM was worth leaving

me for. Basically for me to be her doormat. She seemed perplexed that I was so upset at her new relationship. Claimed that I hadn’t done enough inner work because I

couldn’t accept an open marriage.

There were times when I would be crying my eyes out with my face in my lap, totally devastated and wrecked. I would look up and she would be sitting there smiling

(more like a smirk). I would ask what she was smiling about and she would respond “I don’t understand why this is making you so upset”. I would try and explain how

it feels to be in my shoes and she couldn’t find a bit of empathy or compassion for me. She was only concerned with what she felt deserved and needed, never how the

situation was effecting me.

I should mention that we were having the greatest sex I had ever had with her during this time. She was love bombing me like crazy. I was one moment feeling like I got

back to the honeymoon days and simultaneously being thrashed to the ground. It was so confusing and emotionally devastating. There were moments I felt she didn’t

want our marriage to end. She would say that she didn’t know how she could live without me, telling me what an amazing person I was and how much she loved me. She

would list all the things she admired about me and tell me that she didn’t want to live without me in her life. This also came with a total devaluation of me as a person.

She would split me repeatedly, hour to hour, day to day. I never knew what to expect.

Back and forth it went for two months. Toward the end I was getting fed up. I started to realize that she wasn’t going to back down from seeing OM regardless of what

I said or did. I felt I had given this all I had. I was broken and exhausted. Had lost 20 pounds and couldn’t sleep more than a few hours a night.

I made an appointment for us to see our therapist. I told my wife during this session that I wanted a divorce if she wouldn’t stop seeing OM and recommit to our marriage. 

I told her I had waited long enough for her to make up her mind. She backed down after this. Said she would break all contact with OM and give our marriage another chance.

This lasted a week.

The final straw; I drove to our cabin one night spontaneously after a conversation I had with her. She said she was really missing me and wanted me there with her, so I

left for the mountains. When I arrived, the grass was mowed and the place looked great. I asked her who came over to do the yard work. She said it was the OM. When

I got upset about this she seemed shocked and surprised and couldn’t understand why I was so upset. She told me “Someone needed to take care of the land if I was no

longer going to be around”.

Next morning I packed my things and left our mountain cabin for good, with a broken heart and feeling like I was going to die from shock and grief. This was when things

started really going south. She realized that I had hit the point of no return. I wouldn’t answer her calls nor text messages for the next few days. She finally showed up in

the city for work (she works from our home). Tells me she’s filing for divorce and blame shifts all our marital issues on me and says her divorcing me has nothing to do with

the OM “he’s just a friend!”. How dare I try to control her life! She’s going to kill the marriage. That’s exactly how she put it.

She blames me for: her infertility, her lack of self expression, I held her back from her spiritual growth, I’m controlling / abusive, we were never a good match, doesn’t know

why we should remain married when we don’t have children, the only reason she married me was to have children, I don’t make enough money to support her the way she

“should” be supported, I’m living off of her, I forced her to work, the list goes on and on. She denied that she got involved with another man aka had an affair. Claims that I

was just over reacting to her new “friend”. Tells our friends that she left me because the above mentioned reasons. Always failing to mention the OM to her/our friends.

She threw all this blame in my face then filed for divorce before I had a chance to pick myself up from the emotional devastation. She threatened me with a drawn out court

case that would leave me broke if I challenged her in court. She comes from an extremely wealthy family so I took this threat seriously. She basically forced me to sign a

settlement agreement where I was left with very little. Lost my dog, cabin, home in the city and left with a crushed soul.

Over the last couple of months, since I’ve gone NC, she has tried to recycle me, used general push / pull tactics, blame me for off the wall stuff like stealing her mail and

has tried to lure me in using our dog. I never took the bait though. Thank god for the research I’ve done on BPD/NPD. If it hadn’t been for the information I found online

I think I would still be struggling in a major way. I now understand she has a serious disorder and that it’s not all my fault. Before I found info on PD I thought I was the

one that was messed up and felt like I failed as a husband and partner. I wondered what I had done so wrong or what I could have done better to save our marriage.

I now see I wasn’t the problem. I tried my best to meet her needs and give her what she said she wanted (which changed constantly). Over the years I struggled to move

beyond her abuse and accept her, flaws and all. I gave her all the love I had to give. I was a devoted and loyal partner to her, only to be betrayed and discarded for fresh

narcissistic supply.

I know she’s now with this OM and that I’ve been replaced. She moved straight from our marriage into someone else’s arms. I’ve now been painted black by her and can

only imagine what she’s told her family and friends. Her family hasn’t called me even though I’ve tried to contact them for support. Her family is the reason she has PD so

it’s what I’ve come to expect from them.

I’m two months out of the FOG and starting to feel somewhat better. I still have some ruff days / moments. I lost all self-esteem and direction in my life over the course

of the 11 years with her. I’m a shadow of the man I once was. I gave all I had to give and more. I need to crawl out of this emotional debt and reclaim my self-worth. I feel

it’s going to be a long journey back to wholeness. Now that I’m free of her I realize just how much damage I’ve suffered from years of abuse and craziness that comes with

loving a BPD/NPD. I’m going to see this healing process through to the end. It’s what I deserve. I’m a sensitive and loving man and I want to be able to share my love again

with someone in the future. Someone who’s healthy and whole, not a half-human that’s devoid of compassion, empathy and the ability to love.

Peace,

RisingSun 







 

[Gmoney]

So sorry. Almost my story word for word.    Hang in there. Once you get out of the FOG things turn around. I am still waiting for my heart to catch up to my head.   

[southerncross]

My story to a T. Its almost unbelievable when you put it down and tell it to someone. But all true. Don’t look back. Head-up feet forward. Just remind yourself in about 12-18 months this OM will be a living a true hell from the evil one.  Stay away from her and move on. Life gets normal, but it takes time.

[RisingSun]

My story to a T. Its almost unbelievable when you put it down and tell it to someone. But all true. Don’t look back. Head-up feet forward. Just remind yourself in about 12-18 months this OM will be a living a true hell from the evil one.  Stay away from her and move on. Life gets normal, but it takes time.

Thanks for the support southercross,

Yes, the OM will be living in PD hell soon enough and I don't think it'll take 12 months.

Knowing OM will pay the price is sort of a comforting thought that I cherish, sad as it sounds. This guy shouldn't have pursued my wife like he did.

He'll get what no one deserves, but hey, he asked for it. She's his issue now   

[tired-of-it-all]

I am so sorry that you had to go through such pain.  So much of what you tell is very familiar to me and to many on this forum.

When my BPD wife treated me best is at times that I suspect she was cheating.  She looked her best and was the nicest to me. 

No one should ever have to put up with someone cheating whether physically or emotionally.  It is just plain inappropriate and wrong.

I know what you mean about the sex being fantastic.  That is so very hard to give up.  I believe that is one of the main hooks that the BPD has in their victims.


The most important thing that I can offer you is the following:  Once you have detached emotionally and worked through the grief process, you will come out the other side wondering why it took you so long to see it.  You will see her for what she is, crazy as s**t.  You cannot explain crazy.  You cannot work with crazy.  Once you reach this point you will have two epiphanies.  1)  It doesn't matter what she thinks or says about you.  She is no longer a part of your life.  If she called you a chair it doesn't make you a chair.  Anyone with any sense about them won't believe her anyway.  2)  The new man deserves our pity.  He is about to live in the same hell that you have been through.  There is no one that I hate enough to want them to have to suffer like that.

[Thrace]

Mine is a very similar story.  I'm 4 months after separating following finding out she was having an affair, and am not feeling the hurt as much now.  I will periodically go back to my old house, to do DIY jobs etc.  I try to time it when she's not in and I do take a peek at the browser history now and then.     She's currently googling "is your man committed to the relationship" and "trophy wife". I think the honeymoon period of her new relationship may already be on the verge of ending!  He doesn't know what's about to hit him... .

[sirius]

RS, so sorry that you are in pain, this sounds typical if not similar to many members here including mine.

Mine was 13 years, not married but for the past 8 years there was 6 OMs and I did not even had the chance to confront her because I found out everything 3 weeks after we break up. Like you, I found out from her old phone which I sent it for repairs and reloaded the back-ups onto it. I never knew about PD or this site either at that time.

6 months out and 4 months NC, she moved in with her parents and that was 6 months ago, now, I really dont know.

Trust me, keep reading here and it gets better by the day. I cried and think of her daily but its becoming lesser and lesser now knowing WHY it was like this. I know its been hard, very hard for you, I've been there 4 months ago, we all here have been there too. Take care of yourself

[RisingSun]

2)  The new man deserves our pity.  He is about to live in the same hell that you have been through.  There is no one that I hate enough to want them to have to suffer like that.

I know what you're saying, I wouldn't wish what I've been through on my worst enemy. That being said, I'm not in a place where I can feel compassion

for someone who pursued my wife, at least at this point. This OM has a history of infidelity and worse. He used to be an MD with a private practice.

Was married with two children. He started an affair with a patient who was suicidal (and married). Basically taking advantage of her vulnerability.

This patient ended up suing him. He lost his family and practice license. He's now in extreme debt and does landscaping for a living.     

Seems this guy's got some karma to expunge and/or some hard lessons to learn. If this is so, he's in the right place.

I hope to get to a place where I can have compassion for him but right now I'm in the angry phase. I know that no one truly deserves abuse in any form,

but I tried to stop their relationship from happening. I called OM more than once but he never answered the phone.

[RisingSun]

RS, so sorry that you are in pain, this sounds typical if not similar to many members here including mine.

Mine was 13 years, not married but for the past 8 years there was 6 OMs and I did not even had the chance to confront her because I found out everything 3 weeks after we break up. Like you, I found out from her old phone which I sent it for repairs and reloaded the back-ups onto it. I never knew about PD or this site either at that time.

6 months out and 4 months NC, she moved in with her parents and that was 6 months ago, now, I really dont know.

Trust me, keep reading here and it gets better by the day. I cried and think of her daily but its becoming lesser and lesser now knowing WHY it was like this. I know its been hard, very hard for you, I've been there 4 months ago, we all here have been there too. Take care of yourself

It's both sad and reassuring that there are others who have experienced what we're going through. I'm thankful for all the support I'm finding here. And at the same time

sad that this seems so common place with PDs.

I'm sorry our stories are similar. I feel your pain. It's so devastating when our SO cheat on us. We put so much into trying to make the relationship work and

they just sh!t on us. It's betrayal at it's worst.

Thanks for reaching out. 

[Take2]

You cannot explain crazy.  You cannot work with crazy.  Once you reach this point you will have two epiphanies.  1)  It doesn't matter what she thinks or says about you.  She is no longer a part of your life.  If she called you a chair it doesn't make you a chair.  Anyone with any sense about them won't believe her anyway.

Thank you for writing this... .especially the part about being called a chair.  Cracked me up and gave me a great way to think about the things I've been called.

[nolisan]

It may not feel like it now but the pain you went through then and now can transform you. Take a read of "Iron John".

[RisingSun]

It may not feel like it now but the pain you went through then and now can transform you.

The phenix will rise from the ashes.

         

[tired-of-it-all]

2)  The new man deserves our pity.  He is about to live in the same hell that you have been through.  There is no one that I hate enough to want them to have to suffer like that.

I know what you're saying, I wouldn't wish what I've been through on my worst enemy. That being said, I'm not in a place where I can feel compassion

for someone who pursued my wife, at least at this point. This OM has a history of infidelity and worse. He used to be an MD with a private practice.

Was married with two children. He started an affair with a patient who was suicidal (and married). Basically taking advantage of her vulnerability.

This patient ended up suing him. He lost his family and practice license. He's now in extreme debt and does landscaping for a living.     

Seems this guy's got some karma to expunge and/or some hard lessons to learn. If this is so, he's in the right place.

I hope to get to a place where I can have compassion for him but right now I'm in the angry phase. I know that no one truly deserves abuse in any form,

but I tried to stop their relationship from happening. I called OM more than once but he never answered the phone.

In that case, f**k him.  He deserves what he gets.  Actually, they deserve each other.  Nevertheless, I hope you soon reach the point where you don't think about either one of them.  The world if full of ___holes and they are not worth our time and energy.

You deserve better.  You deserve happiness.

[RisingSun]

In that case, f**k him.  He deserves what he gets.  Actually, they deserve each other.  Nevertheless, I hope you soon reach the point where you don't think about either one of them.  The world if full of ___holes and they are not worth our time and energy.

You deserve better.  You deserve happiness.

Yeh, that's where I am right now. The OM was, from what my W was telling me, being a perfect "gentlemen". Telling her he would follow her lead and that

he wasn't interested in "labeling" the kind of relationship they had. I'll put a label on it for them, how about narcissistic philandering.

You play with fire (my stbxw) you might just get burned.

You know, I've been thinking (as we abused and confused do so well), she claimed this OM was a gift from the goddess, but I feel at this point he was a gift

for me not her. She's some other dudes problem now and I'm free to move on with my life. And, I know from experience I'm totally capable of living a healthy

drama free life. Like my therapist reminded me, I wouldn't have left her unless she crossed this firm boundary I set in regards to infidelity.

This could have easily been 20 more years of abuse and misery for me had she not found OM and crossed the line.

So thanks OM, I owe you one buddy