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Author Topic: Is a borderline r/s the most difficult of personality disorders?  (Read 2929 times)
AwakenedOne
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« on: August 26, 2014, 10:07:58 PM »

Out of all the mental disorders and mental illness's out there, I wonder if BPD is the worst one to be in a relationship with?

After reading dozens of stories from members suffering here on the Leaving Board it makes me question if a BPD relationship is one of or even possibly the most damaging relationship to have ever had. The cruelty inflicted on the loved one and total lack of remorse is what seems to cause the most damage it seems here to the NON. Dating a serial killer would be worse though. There is no possible recovery from that relationship of course.
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« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2014, 10:34:06 PM »

this led me to google "worst personality disorder" and "worst personality disorders to date". guess what results showed up... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2014, 10:52:27 PM »

Awakened i remember looking that up.  I think it is the most confusing.  I think being the victim of a psychopath that one was in love with may possibly be more damaging.

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« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2014, 10:58:14 PM »

Blimblam's got it. Borderlines are freaking bad.

Sociopaths though, are much more dangerous because of their nature.
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« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2014, 11:01:03 PM »

Bro this is a funny one LOL. I think we probably all know the answer to this one. Well on the bright side we now have experience on our belt. I recently had an interaction at work with an older woman like in her late 60's. She came into the club and tried to take advantage of the guest pass program. Shes a member and kept bringing a friend in over and over and playing dumb. Coincidentally I am a Manager that is retention based so I am geared towards calming hostile situations down and defusing them. Anyhow she ended up having a conversation with one of the membership consultants for over and hour where he just got frustrated and walked away. The next day she came in asking for him and she also called him on the phone. He talked with her again. Her husband then called aka the hero outraged. So get this fellas. She comes in again pressing the issue again mind you prior to that my membership consultant told me that she keeps lying and switching up the story over and over again. She then came in another day and this time my membership consultant hid from her and refused to talk to her and said I would have to step in so I did. As I spoke to this woman and the conversation dragged out for over 45mins. I then realized she was BPD or has traits or whatever. The conversation kept getting warped and it went in circles over and over again. Towards the end when I recognized this was BPD I said you know what F it. Time for me to pull out some of what I learned from stop walking on egg shells when I was trying to be with my ex and stand by her side.

She kept stating "Oh I didn't know I was doing something so wrong I feel so bad"-(Victim mode). "I then said it's ok it's just a simple misunderstanding that can happen to anyone but I cannot do anything about the past we can only focus on what's happening now and going forward and now you know the policy so  there shouldn't be an issue anymore correct"-(Me trying to cut the circle off). She still danced around that and kept circling back into victim mode where in as time passed by I then just said ok what is the end game then how do you think we should resolve this what do you think is fair(Again me trying to cut off the circle). The end game came out of her wanting more free stuff for her friend. I denied this and said listen your friend has come in everyday this week for free.

Anyway this woman came back 3 times in the same day after that. She was getting to the point of harrasment and mind you each time she came back holes kept being punched in her story. She kept lying and going into victim mode lying and going victim. Circling back around the same discussion. She then left again and sent in a letter to the district manager. He basically gave her what she wanted because she kept complaining so much. Ok so after that happened she sent in another letter to corporate playing victim again and trying to manipulate even more to get a free membership for an entire year. I was forwarded the email from my district manager and it went something like this "I was on your site and it is kind of misleading it said fill out a survey and win a free membership for a year and a 30 day pass for a friend." I did not say that it said fill out a survey for a chance to win a year membership and get a 30 day pass for a friend for filling out the survey.

The reason I told this story fellas is one the comical factor and I do feel we damn sure need some comedy and try to make like of something from this and also because I'm trying to say even though we met the ultimate worst people to date ever. We know damn well what to look out for the next time for avoiding these people. We know the signs now. We know the trickery. We know theyre ways. They cannot hide from us. They will now have to fool some other new comer unfortunately. For myself even the slightest signs of this nonsense coming my way will spark my radar like the government has just turned to the highest defcon Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Maybe we needed to experience this poison to know it is poison. We needed to get a rash from that bush so we know "Oh ish what the hell is that bush, Oh thats poison Ivy dont go near that it gave me a rash last week" .
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« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2014, 11:04:05 PM »

It's gotta be the worst. I've been thinking about this and it's almost criminal the way they create havoc in a person and then just move to the next victim. How can it be allowed to replay itself over and over ? I try not to hold it against her , she's disordered. She can hardly help herself. But I do wonder why their family members don't warn us? Do something to limit the damage, they've seen it play out over and over  their family members know about the aftermath our pwBPD leave behind more then we ever will. They've watched it for years.
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« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2014, 11:16:34 PM »

It's gotta be the worst. I've been thinking about this and it's almost criminal the way they create havoc in a person and then just move to the next victim. How can it be allowed to replay itself over and over ? I try not to hold it against her , she's disordered. She can hardly help herself. But I do wonder why their family members don't warn us? Do something to limit the damage, they've seen it play out over and over  their family members know about the aftermath our pwBPD leave behind more then we ever will. They've watched it for years.

Remember... .The family members are manipulated, lied-to and deceived whenever she has the need to control them. Mine's parents LOVED me... .God knows what she told them when she ran off with her new supply... .(I am sure that I do not want to know!)... .BPD's don't just run their game on us.
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« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2014, 11:25:46 PM »

It's gotta be the worst. I've been thinking about this and it's almost criminal the way they create havoc in a person and then just move to the next victim. How can it be allowed to replay itself over and over ? I try not to hold it against her , she's disordered. She can hardly help herself. But I do wonder why their family members don't warn us? Do something to limit the damage, they've seen it play out over and over  their family members know about the aftermath our pwBPD leave behind more then we ever will. They've watched it for years.

You are preaching to the choir I thought the same exact freaking thing. The weirdest was when she was moving from her fathers house and getting her apartment for the first time. He did not take the day off and stood back and watched while I moved all her stuff for her. Also he lashed out on me in the hospital and said some stuff that I really had to hold my toungue so hard for. WHen I was hurting and spoke to my own father he said "Son he knew there was a problem he didn't just meet her hes known her all his life its his daughter. He wanted you to share the blame". In regards to the moving thing my father said "Son he was dishing off the problem to you do you not get that"?. I think in ways my father was either partially right or completely right. They don't warn you because they are dishing off the problem to someone else. Now it's your problem and they can take a breather.
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« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2014, 11:40:57 PM »

Dating a serial killer would be worse though. There is no possible recovery from that relationship of course.

At least serial killers put you out of your misery! I can truly see the empathy serial killers have now.
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« Reply #9 on: August 26, 2014, 11:54:56 PM »

Remember... .The family members are manipulated, lied-to and deceived whenever she has the need to control them. Mine's parents LOVED me... .God knows what she told them when she ran off with her new supply... .(I am sure that I do not want to know!)... .BPD's don't just run their game on us.

I mentioned how I felt uneasy around her dad. I felt like he really didn't like me. Honestly though, he wasn't a bad guy. I talked ___ though, to her. I suppose she's probably told her family that I hated them and blah blah. Yeah.

They were alright when I really think about it. I too got manipulated, I said I didn't care for her family because of how they just kicked her out. But what's really messed up is I practically did the same, I gave her more time though. But that's just rationalizing. I did what they did. They weren't bad people, they were just done with her nonsense.

What's really funny though is that after a while they just kinda refused to be manipulated. Her sister got tired of it, hell her aunt called me the day after I sent my Ex to the hospital. Told me it was the right thing to do, and that telling the docs she had a drug problem (pills) was a good move. They weren't my family, but they all understood why I did what I did. I feel guilty for vilifying them for their actions in dealing with her, I should have been angry at her for how she treated me before and after she got kicked out. Transference, is the term for this, yes?

I don't put much stock in God going out of his way to influence our lives. But there's an interesting lesson here. I vilified them for their actions. I was then forced to do exactly as they had. When I spoke to THEM, instead of judging me as I did, they understood. There need be no lightning to strike me for my conceit. An act of kindness is just as powerful. I still feel guilty about speaking ill of them (her dad, mostly.) Even if they never catch wind of it, I'LL know what I said, and I'm not proud of it.

Her own sister said I had the patience of a saint to have dealt with her as long as I did. Her mom literally said "We're surprised you two lasted as long as you did, and you put up with it as long as you did."

I guess they knew, whenever I came to visit I guess she wasn't so bad towards them. Sometimes I stood up for her folks, she'd snap at her parents for no reason, and I'd let her know that she should change her tune. Sometimes I got through to her. Maybe that's why they might have liked me. I didn't white-knight her, wrong was wrong and I let her know it, but I did try to nurture in her a sense of right. In that I failed. She's going to get worse, and she'll learn *nothing.* That's probably what eats me up inside the most. That I failed somehow, even though there probably was nothing I could do.

With that said, yeah Borderlines leave some scars. Not all of them caused directly by her actions either. Sometimes your conscience gets stained. Sometimes it's things we do because of what they had us believing that leaves us feeling guilt and regret.

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« Reply #10 on: August 27, 2014, 02:01:20 AM »

In my limited experience yes, I went out with a Bipolar girl and to be honest she was a walk in the park (despite her cocaine addiction) compared to my exBpd. The complete havoc they cause is mind-blowing, the manipulation, I never wish to be in that place again as I'm sure the rest of us don't either.
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« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2014, 05:11:00 AM »

I think it depends on the relationship. As a child of a BPD it was hell on earth. Hard to think of anything worse. If you've watched mummy dearest, you might get an idea. My bro has NPD which was better, as he wasn't always on my back (as my BPD) wearing me down. I had no idea of half the vindictive ("sibling rivalry" rubbish he was doing to me until much later. But as an Adult it's the psychopaths and sociopaths that I would worry most about. You'd never be sure if it was safe to divorce them.
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« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2014, 05:47:16 AM »

If you delve into a BPD sufferers previous relationships they are usually a very tumultuous roller coaster ride.

Personally I wouldn't say they where the worst to be with and I feel that would be a horrible generalization. Remember we only really hear about the relationships that go bad here I'm sure there are plenty that work.

I'm also debating whether people are a little to quick to blame the BPD for all the bad in thier relationship ?

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« Reply #13 on: August 27, 2014, 07:55:36 AM »

I'm also debating whether people are a little to quick to blame the BPD for all the bad in thier relationship ?

Nah man, I blamed myself for everything. This is balancing things out. And I do realize some of it is my fault. But most of it is simply not. I would go so far as to say it's not her fault either, it's her mental illnesses fault. There's a reason why there's a singing choir of people saying the same thing, because it's TRUE. Even people not in relationships with Borderlines, such as mental health professionals would tell you the same thing.
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« Reply #14 on: August 27, 2014, 12:06:51 PM »

The only thing that is kind of better about BPD than some of the other PDs is that it seems that they can get significantly better in treatment (even if they are never totally cured). My ex dBPDgf had finished a year of intensive treatment (therapy and group) and was considered in recovery. She was in recovery when she wasn't in a relationship though-- once we got together, it seemed like lots of the behaviors kicked themselves into gear again. Maybe there are some better examples go-- the research seems to say so!

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« Reply #15 on: August 27, 2014, 12:59:58 PM »

It's gotta be the worst. I've been thinking about this and it's almost criminal the way they create havoc in a person and then just move to the next victim. How can it be allowed to replay itself over and over ? I try not to hold it against her , she's disordered. She can hardly help herself. But I do wonder why their family members don't warn us? Do something to limit the damage, they've seen it play out over and over  their family members know about the aftermath our pwBPD leave behind more then we ever will. They've watched it for years.

Yes!  This is how I feel as well.  I have found stuff out about my uBPDex from his family AFTER I broke up with him that was disturbing.  I think they were just happy that I was taking care of him and they didn't have to!  I could never get a straight answer when I asked about his behaviour in the past. 

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« Reply #16 on: August 27, 2014, 01:10:37 PM »

I'm also debating whether people are a little to quick to blame the BPD for all the bad in thier relationship ?

After being on these boards for so long, I have seen that most of us did not know about BPD till our relationships were done. I certainly didn't. She is my only relationship, and I thought maybe relationships are like this. People say relationships are hard, so I thought that's what they mean when they say that it is hard. That I should try and compromise or do whatever it takes to make it work. I would have never come across BPD if I hadn't googled "alternate reality", which in reality was me searching about gaslighting.

There is a real possibility that if we know about personality disorders, we might blame our significant others that they have it whenever something goes awry in a relationship. But at least on these boards, majority of stories are about long term abusive relationships where the non tried everything to make it work but the goal post always kept moving.
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« Reply #17 on: August 27, 2014, 01:14:14 PM »

I'd go along with the ones mentioning psychopathy. It probably makes BPD a walk in the park in comparison.
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« Reply #18 on: August 27, 2014, 01:24:20 PM »

If you delve into a BPD sufferers previous relationships they are usually a very tumultuous roller coaster ride.

Personally I wouldn't say they where the worst to be with and I feel that would be a horrible generalization. Remember we only really hear about the relationships that go bad here I'm sure there are plenty that work.

I'm also debating whether people are a little to quick to blame the BPD for all the bad in thier relationship ?

We all know damn well we have done some wrong actions there is wrong in every relationship as there is always human error but its kinda hard to see those problems covered or better yet smothered with a whole bunch made up drama by ur BPD 80 percent of the time or maybe more. People are definitely not quick to blame them. People run from them all the time and the ones that dont... .Well here we are trying to put our hearts back in our chest and pick our pieces of brain matter up from the floor. Judging from the fact that therapists dont even want to treat them Id have to agree with the rest that it might possibly be the most damaging for a relationship.
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« Reply #19 on: August 27, 2014, 02:13:03 PM »

Also, maybe it's the one of the harder ones to recognize in a relationship because it presents in such a lovely form (idealization) in its first phase. 
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« Reply #20 on: August 27, 2014, 03:51:29 PM »

Also, maybe it's the one of the harder ones to recognize in a relationship because it presents in such a lovely form (idealization) in its first phase. 

The idealization phase is intoxicating. Perhaps we are suffering and attracted to it from unresolved pain in our FOO, an emotional crisis, divorce, mid-life crisis etc.
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« Reply #21 on: August 27, 2014, 04:06:28 PM »

Funny. I asked my therapist the same question... ." is the BPD person the most difficult of all the PDs? She said that she does not like to work with them because they are ABUSERS.

As to the psychopath/sociopath. Take out a few things, especially the homicidal part, and I think you are left with somebody who has BPD traits.

Do you feel tortured to death sometimes by your BPD? Are they killing you slowly? Did they kill your spirit already? Is your relationship dead or dying? Look at the words we use to describe our plight. Death words. Words of suffering at the hands of another. Now think again how close this comes to being with a psychopath.

I had a dream recently. In my dream, my BPDw shows me a list of about 6 people's names. I didn't know the names. She said "do you know what I did to these people?". I said "NO". She said " I killed them" and then began to go down the list telling me how she killed each one. Gun. Knife. Poison, etc.  I felt like I had to run. That she was going to kill me next. Then she said "do you know what I like about you ( i.e. why I keep you around)"? I said "NO". She said " it is because you let me do whatever I want to do". I woke up sweaty and in a panic.
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« Reply #22 on: August 27, 2014, 06:23:59 PM »

You are so right! The idealisation phase was the most amazing 2 or 3 months I've ever experienced. It 100% hooked me. I was 19 years older (I was 50, she was 31) and had come out of a 8 year relationship that produced kids. I was ripe for the picking. Funny thing about the idealisation phase was that she was not very sexually experienced (she had vaginismus and had been to a sex therapist about it) Even though the sex wasn't great in a conventional way, the intimacy was out of this world, if that makes sense. When she dumped me I went to a therapist and we discovered a lot of wounded inner child stuff which I am still working on, so I totally agree with your comments about being attracted to them because of our unresolved issues. I am making good progress on that front but my heart still aches for her. I really fear what I would do if she ever made contact with me.



Also, maybe it's the one of the harder ones to recognize in a relationship because it presents in such a lovely form (idealization) in its first phase. 

The idealization phase is intoxicating. Perhaps we are suffering and attracted to it from unresolved pain in our FOO, an emotional crisis, divorce, mid-life crisis etc.

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« Reply #23 on: August 28, 2014, 03:35:09 AM »

I went to a therapist and we discovered a lot of wounded inner child stuff which I am still working on,

I'm big on this at the moment. Can you give any advice where to look?
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« Reply #24 on: August 28, 2014, 04:16:16 AM »

A great book to start with is "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw. It has many exercises you can do at home but my therapist is great at tapping into this and discovering where the hurts are coming from. Best wishes to you and sending you hugs.

I went to a therapist and we discovered a lot of wounded inner child stuff which I am still working on,

I'm big on this at the moment. Can you give any advice where to look?

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« Reply #25 on: August 28, 2014, 04:46:52 AM »

Remember... .The family members are manipulated, lied-to and deceived whenever she has the need to control them. Mine's parents LOVED me... .God knows what she told them when she ran off with her new supply... .(I am sure that I do not want to know!)... .BPD's don't just run their game on us.

I mentioned how I felt uneasy around her dad. I felt like he really didn't like me. Honestly though, he wasn't a bad guy. I talked ___ though, to her. I suppose she's probably told her family that I hated them and blah blah. Yeah.

They were alright when I really think about it. I too got manipulated, I said I didn't care for her family because of how they just kicked her out. But what's really messed up is I practically did the same, I gave her more time though. But that's just rationalizing. I did what they did. They weren't bad people, they were just done with her nonsense.

What's really funny though is that after a while they just kinda refused to be manipulated. Her sister got tired of it, hell her aunt called me the day after I sent my Ex to the hospital. Told me it was the right thing to do, and that telling the docs she had a drug problem (pills) was a good move. They weren't my family, but they all understood why I did what I did. I feel guilty for vilifying them for their actions in dealing with her, I should have been angry at her for how she treated me before and after she got kicked out. Transference, is the term for this, yes?

I don't put much stock in God going out of his way to influence our lives. But there's an interesting lesson here. I vilified them for their actions. I was then forced to do exactly as they had. When I spoke to THEM, instead of judging me as I did, they understood. There need be no lightning to strike me for my conceit. An act of kindness is just as powerful. I still feel guilty about speaking ill of them (her dad, mostly.) Even if they never catch wind of it, I'LL know what I said, and I'm not proud of it.

Her own sister said I had the patience of a saint to have dealt with her as long as I did. Her mom literally said "We're surprised you two lasted as long as you did, and you put up with it as long as you did."

I guess they knew, whenever I came to visit I guess she wasn't so bad towards them. Sometimes I stood up for her folks, she'd snap at her parents for no reason, and I'd let her know that she should change her tune. Sometimes I got through to her. Maybe that's why they might have liked me. I didn't white-knight her, wrong was wrong and I let her know it, but I did try to nurture in her a sense of right. In that I failed. She's going to get worse, and she'll learn *nothing.* That's probably what eats me up inside the most. That I failed somehow, even though there probably was nothing I could do.

With that said, yeah Borderlines leave some scars. Not all of them caused directly by her actions either. Sometimes your conscience gets stained. Sometimes it's things we do because of what they had us believing that leaves us feeling guilt and regret.

Vatsz, I hate to see you being hard on yourself. ... .Bordelines are mentally ill or challenged.  "Us" being compassionate doesn't change that, as much as we might want it to because of our deep feelings for them. PwBPD weave very tangled webs and it is all fed by their selfish need for control and their deep fear of abandonment. Misrepresenting others, and pitting people against one another is sport for them.

I think that out of love and trust we all get emotionally ensnared in their crazy manipulations.

We are all left shell-shocked and doubting ourselves when the tempest moves on.

All we can really do is recognize what we "really" just went through, pick up the pieces and try to love ourselves and move forward. Learning as much about ourselves from what transpired is helpful for our futures, too. Implementing NC is a good way to see the truth clearly and to protect ourselves. I wish you well and great recovery.
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« Reply #26 on: August 28, 2014, 10:19:32 AM »

I think it depends on the person as to which PD would be most difficult to be in a rs with.  I don't think any of them would be easy.  Personally, I know I would have extreme difficulty dealing with a histrionic PD gf, luckily (or not) for me the histrionic traits are less apparent in my BPDgf than a lot of the SO of the people on this board.  Hopefully I didn't jinx myself, as I have noticed sometimes those cluster B traits you think your BPD SO doesn't have pop up out of nowhere as they progress in a different area.
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« Reply #27 on: August 28, 2014, 11:35:00 AM »

I would have to say, yes. I've been in two "serious" relationships with women who had a combo of uBPD/NPD.

Both of these relationships put me in total emotional collapse.

I don't imagen that it could get any worse. If so, most victims have most likely jumped from bridges.
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