Caller doesn't wait for the answering machine to pick up

[lipstick]

Hi Family,

So now instead of receiving calls from "Private Name, Private Number" to my home phone (never a message - just hangs up!), we are getting calls from a landline number in my ex's area code. I've looked up the number - couldn't get a name without paying for it - but it's located right where my ex's only friend lives.

Called on Saturday evening around 9:00 p.m. - then again today around 4:00 p.m... Solicitors don't call our house that time of night, nor do they call on Sundays.

The caller doesn't wait for the answering machine to pick up. They hang up quickly - before the machine can kick on. We are approaching the two-year anniversary of the "discard". October 2nd, to be exact.

What do y'all think? Anyone experience the phone call "phenomenon"? Ideas about what he's up to? If it is my ex - why the heck doesn't he just send an email or a text message? Sheesh.

Thx, all!   

[Infern0]

Yeah I get them and I know it's her.

Who knows why she does it.

It's a shame rational conversation is impossible. You are never allowed closure. I'd love to be able to forgive, shake hands and wish her luck. 

Will never happen though

[lipstick]

Hi Inferno,

Me too (closure / wish them the best)!  I don't understand why he still has a kind of "interest" in me after two years of No Contact.  I will always care about him. Would love to speak with him. But I'm weary of the shadow games.

I don't answer the phone when the calls come in. He was doing this with my cell phone at the beginning of the year. That stopped around April. Now it's the house phone. Wonder if he lost / deleted my cell #?   

[topknot]

Yes, I posted once a while back about this because it was so bizarre,  and it is happening again since we broke up. I understand there is an app for your phone which allows you to call someone, and whatever number you pick shows up as the caller. So I get calls from all these crazy numbers, area codes, etc. They listen to my message but never leave one. When we were together, it never happened. I said, oh yeah, weird calls are gonna start again, and they are. 

[lipstick]

Hi topknot,

I'm not very tech-savvy. Was not aware that you could get an app like that. The ex isn't "savvy" either - but he would be able to figure something like that out. Makes sense.

I get calls mostly from "Private Name-Private Number". Which is easy to do. You just punch in *67 then dial your number. Blocks the number from showing on Caller I.D...

Now it's ramped up to calls coming in from his area code.

Dunno what he's doing. I would imagine his life is rather suck these days. Not my problem. If he wants to talk to me - he needs to do just that. TALK to me. Not play high-school games. But it's BPD - so, well, you know... .

I have this nagging feeling that he just wants to make sure I'm still around. On the "back burner" so to speak. His spouse is a lot older than him - so he may have a fear that she'll die before he does. THEN what will he do?  He'll be (gasp!) alone !      

[topknot]

Lipstick,

I am somewhat technically challenged, since my career is artistic rather than computer oriented.  My college sons brought this to my attention when I said, I keep getting crazy calls from all over the place, and the only commonality is that we broke up.  That's when they said, Mom, don't you know about that app?  In my case, it gets worse the longer we are apart. I contributed that to his being all cocky when he had some chickadee lined up, he would pick a fight, or say the old I'm not in love with you, then the chickadee left as she always does, and he would call my number constantly to soothe and hear my voice.  Just my two cents 

[AG]

Omfg mine does the same exact thing. I dont know why they do it a friend advised me that she thinks it is literally to insert themselves into your thoughts kinda like planting a seed and sitting back to watch it grow. Mine installs apps then calls and the one time I did pick up she was at a party with music in the backround and just stayed qiuet while I said hello two or three times then I hung up. Recently she called my job from a blocked and stayed qiuet again while I said hello until I hung up. Other times the same app number or different variations of it called and I simply didnt answer and no viocemail left this stupid process happened a multitude of times. Smh

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I love this board - so many similarities with what we experience from the expwBPD.  I got them all the time in between the recycles.  I did confront her about it and she completely denied the calls.  Hmmm.  Last unknown call I got was last Saturday - the day after she offered to cancel her holiday with her current boyfriend and wait for me instead.  It is hillarious and it is very sad.

[lipstick]

Hi AG & Mr. ConfusedWithItAll,

Yep - lots of similarities. Scary, huh?      The two calls that I received this weekend were more than likely due to a picture of me that my BF posted to my Facebook page. BF went into my account - uploaded the picture - and posted a status that I had been "hacked" - Love, BF!  The picture is one of me making a goofy face and just being silly with him.

I'm sure that set the ex off. Except it shows that he's checking up on me more often than I thought, it would seem. I may have to set my page to Private - Friends Only.

The phone calls don't bother me. I just don't answer. I figure eventually he will get bored. 

[AG]

Hi AG & Mr. ConfusedWithItAll,

Yep - lots of similarities. Scary, huh?      The two calls that I received this weekend were more than likely due to a picture of me that my BF posted to my Facebook page. BF went into my account - uploaded the picture - and posted a status that I had been "hacked" - Love, BF!  The picture is one of me making a goofy face and just being silly with him.

I'm sure that set the ex off. Except it shows that he's checking up on me more often than I thought, it would seem. I may have to set my page to Private - Friends Only.

The phone calls don't bother me. I just don't answer. I figure eventually he will get bored. 

To be honest I know exactly why you put that devil face emoji . You must feel some sense of Karma for it getting to him. I know I sure as hell would. Though I know damn well healing should be about us and not seeing Karma come back it is just difficult to not want to see these people reap what they sow. Good for you that you have a new boyfriend and yes block that ish and don't answer either don't let him spoil your good time with your new bf who obviously is healthy vs poison. Good for you I'm definitely happy for you and also even happy about that small sense of justice. Ignore him keep at your healing and enjoy your life like you seem to be doing.

[AG]

I love this board - so many similarities with what we experience from the expwBPD.  I got them all the time in between the recycles.  I did confront her about it and she completely denied the calls.  Hmmm.  Last unknown call I got was last Saturday - the day after she offered to cancel her holiday with her current boyfriend and wait for me instead.  It is hillarious and it is very sad.

It's not hilarious to me it literally is ridiculous. I personally am annoyed that I feel weird in my own apartment thinking she might show up here and I will have to deal with it. I'm not healed yet so I don't want to date anyone with this chaos going on but it annoys me to know that what if I do start dating again and have someone over. While she shows up here and rings my bell. I don't care if your honest any woman would think that I am screwing around in a situation like that.

[fromheeltoheal]

I just got a call today, more than 2 years after I left her; I knew it was her because the caller ID was her cell phone, didn't answer, no message.  Not surprising though, I met her 27 years ago, and she's never let go, although the contact attempts are completely random.  And yes, I was with her long ago, and then again in this millennium, and I shouldn't have.  Nuff said.

Goes to show the power of an attachment in the borderline psyche though; they never go away, a continual substitute for that earliest attachment that was never detached from.  There's logic; chase everything you value away.  She must have an entire Rolodex of past failures to choose from at this point, that iPhone must get a workout.  Sad yet intriguing... .

[lipstick]

Hi FromHeeltoHeal,

Quote:

"I just got a call today, more than 2 years after I left her; I knew it was her because the caller ID was her cell phone, didn't answer, no message.  Not surprising though, I met her 27 years ago, and she's never let go, although the contact attempts are completely random.  And yes, I was with her long ago, and then again in this millennium, and I shouldn't have.  Nuff said.

Goes to show the power of an attachment in the borderline psyche though; they never go away, a continual substitute for that earliest attachment that was never detached from.  There's logic; chase everything you value away.  She must have an entire Rolodex of past failures to choose from at this point, that iPhone must get a workout.  Sad yet intriguing... ." End quote

Yes, I met my ex over 29 years ago. High school. Reunited on Facebook. And as you say - they never go away. I can't imagine what is going through his mind at this point. He was the one that discarded me and ran away. Then a pathetic attempt at contact over a year later via a FB Friend Request. No message - just the request. I didn't respond so I was blocked. As far as I know, I remain blocked.

So what is he up to now? No clue. I'm sure he has no idea how to try and make amends. And since none of it was his fault anyway (in his mind), why should he?  Yet - he wants to remain on the fringes of my life. Not really reaching out - yet not letting go either. I know his life is not so hot these days. He's working two jobs to be able to pay the bills. He is 51 with health issues. Spouse won't get off her drunken azz and find a regular 40hrs a week job - she continues working in a part-time gig that pays next to nothing. Doesn't try to ease his burden. Then he looks in on me and sees that I've gotten a new certification, landed a new job, going out, etc...  I often wonder if they DO realize what they threw away? And that actions like calling and hanging up are their ways of saying "Hey! Remember me? I'm still around! Please don't forget me!".  

I also wonder if he's gathering the courage to actually contact me? He's following the same pattern as last year. And that led to the Friend Request. You are so right - it is "sad yet intriguing".  

Also - a mutual friend informed me that my ex has now downloaded the FB mobile app. Said to me- "Yeah, lipstick - now he can keep you in his back pocket!"  Oh, joy. 



 

[fromheeltoheal]

actions like calling and hanging up are their ways of saying "Hey! Remember me? I'm still around! Please don't forget me!".

Yep, please don't forget me, that's pretty much it.  You know how a 3 year old will test the waters by running away from his mother and hiding, feeling a little independent, and then if he's gone too long or loses sight of her for a minute, he freaks out and runs back to her?  Helpful to think of borderline behavior that way, totally accurate.  Thing is, if the kid does come back it won't be long til independence calls, and off he goes again, and the me-me-me was getting a little old anyway.

Funny, detachment goes in stages.  I actually don't have strong feelings about my ex anymore, don't think about her hardly, and when I'm here I tend to think about borderlines in general, not specifically her, although that call yesterday shifted my focus a little.  But I have some pretty good stress going on in other areas of my life, and I've noticed that when I'm under pressure and pissed off, I can get pissed at her all over again.  Transference?  Projection?  Interesting, whatever it's called.

[Infared]

Hi Family,

So now instead of receiving calls from "Private Name, Private Number" to my home phone (never a message - just hangs up!), we are getting calls from a landline number in my ex's area code. I've looked up the number - couldn't get a name without paying for it - but it's located right where my ex's only friend lives.

Called on Saturday evening around 9:00 p.m. - then again today around 4:00 p.m... Solicitors don't call our house that time of night, nor do they call on Sundays.

The caller doesn't wait for the answering machine to pick up. They hang up quickly - before the machine can kick on. We are approaching the two-year anniversary of the "discard". October 2nd, to be exact.

What do y'all think? Anyone experience the phone call "phenomenon"? Ideas about what he's up to? If it is my ex - why the heck doesn't he just send an email or a text message? Sheesh.

Thx, all!  

My experience with my expwBPD is that at the 2-yr point, (actually long before), mine would not make direct contact, because then she would have to take responsibility for making contact. Your ex is baiting you, so that you call back. They will deny any contact and then the contact will be totally on your emotional dime. We are dealing with very sick, manipulative people here. I don't ever expect anything normal and straight forward. There is ALWAYS "game"... .and usually it's the game of an 8-yr. old

[lipstick]

Hi Infared,

Baiting me? I truly don't know about that one. Although I have NO intention of calling any of the numbers back. Just got another call. First one since Sunday. Was from his area code again. But the last two digits of the number were different. I did a reverse look-up on both numbers. No reports of solicitation or harassment from either number. I can't imagine a solicitor calling me from that area code. No reason to. Also - I live two hours away from that area.

It could be him. I can't imagine what he's doing. Or where he's making these calls. I'll just keep on ignoring them, though. That is the best option for me!   

[Infared]

Hi Infared,

Baiting me? I truly don't know about that one. Although I have NO intention of calling any of the numbers back. Just got another call. First one since Sunday. Was from his area code again. But the last two digits of the number were different. I did a reverse look-up on both numbers. No reports of solicitation or harassment from either number. I can't imagine a solicitor calling me from that area code. No reason to. Also - I live two hours away from that area.

It could be him. I can't imagine what he's doing. Or where he's making these calls. I'll just keep on ignoring them, though. That is the best option for me!   

They are capable of anything... .who knows!  LOL!

[elessar]

Lipstick and fromheeltoheal,

I hear you guys. I have a feeling mine will be calling me into old age. Considering I was her first and I was with her when her BPD symptoms started developing and we have gone through so much in 10 years, including a 4 year break on her part, I feel some BPDs never detach. Its like, we are their safety blanket? It could be my ego. But just using the words she has used so many times in bed. Man, I feel like I was sleeping with a child and not an adult!

[lipstick]

Hi elessar !

A four-year break? Were you guys No Contact that entire time? If so - did she contact you first? Mine doesn't have the nerve to actually contact me and talk. I really don't know what he's up to - and it bores me these days. I'm tired of thinking about him. Is that detachment? I don't know.

FromHeeltoHeal always has great insight. Sounds like he's going thru some rough personal stuff right now - so I hope he can remain vigilant with regards to his ex.

I would very much like to communicate with my ex - but I'm not going to be the one to initiate it. And it would not be for romantic reasons. I care for him very much. But now it feels like the way I feel about one of my cats.      The way I would feel, perhaps, towards a child.

He can continue with his little phone games. It doesn't bother me. I just wonder if he's "working up his nerve", so to speak - and is looking for an avenue to contact me where he won't be terrified of rejection. Time will tell, I guess. The two-year anniversary of his "discard" (dumping me) is coming up at the beginning of October.