taking back my space

[hotncold]

Hi I have been involved with a woman who has told me she has BPD, although I think she has self diagnosed.  We're taking a break right now, at her request, and to be honest I'm relieved.  More recently I see her very rarely (once a month now) but we are texting all the time, and that is draining me completely.  She's been non stop push and pull.  I think I would like to ask her about her thoughts of seeking therapy, because I'm pretty sure I can't deal with the way things are, but in the meantime, it's so much work just to get to see her... .we'll make plans, she'll cancel, or postpone, or whatever.  But still, the texting... .and it's never regular straight forward texting.  Anyway, it's taking up so much of my energy for me to try and just move this thing forward... .even to move it forward in terms of being able to see her and discuss important things.  I find it so hard because it can so quickly become all consuming.  She's also recently told me she wants to leave town, which again makes things even more difficult.  What am I doing wrong here, and what can I do to make more room for myself and find some kind of solution to this.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Hi hotncold,

I can relate as during my first "break" with my ex she acted similar. We didnt hang out but a few days at the beginning of the month after she moved out. We went from being together everyday all day other than working to barely at all. This graduated to little texting mostly me keeping the conversation alive... except for the few times id just not text her during the day and then shed blow up my phone.(push pull) So this graduates the next month her seeing me once a week. She still isnt texting much without me intiating. But im content with at least seeing her more. I have a talk with her about how i feel we need to end the break and choose our paths. I see her two times at the beginning of the week. Then then friday rolls around i see her complaining about my replacement "being mean". Its easter weekend and shes really excited and making alot of effort to text me. Easter was perfect. We spend the next 5 days together where she treats me like a friend over a bf even though were dating. By that Tues shes growing cold again but assures me she wants to be together. Wed i bring her flowers to work and leave them in her car. She texts me for the first time in days all happy and i love you. But i dont feel like her bf or loved... So thurs i meet her after work and we talk i finally get out of her that shes wanting to be friends for now until she works on herself more. I agree. Well i try to make plans for the next week straight. Lame excuses of working over,being sick,tired, or my favorite me trying to "get" with her... pfft ok narcissistic much So a week later some drama happens she freaks out and then tries to apologize. Asks me if i want to make this "relationship" work... wasnt aware we were in one of those. Mixed signals. more ditching after telling me shell see me. Finally i confront saying do you want me to be a part of your life? She needs "space" to not "resent" me... NC on my end for two months... month lasting recycle... and shes gone again...

Well this whole time my replacement was being set up hence the lack of texting and gap in time of us not hanging then the clinging when i pulled away or he was painted black. Not saying this is your situation as every BPD is different but just an insight of my circumstances.

And yes its all very tiring. BPD relationships are work,work,and more work on your end but dont expect much from her my friend. The relationship will always be on her terms and matters involving it following suite. Communication is never straightforward either its usually encrypted with hidden meaning so that they can use it as ammunition later for our "lack of understanding".

As for the therapy suggestion 9 times out of 10 they will just project it back on you to make you feel crazy. But on the other hand if shes admitting it that could work in your favor but know that even with therapy its going to be a long and arduous journey to recovery. Mine too finally has admitted BPD but shes run away again. When theyre vulnerable they tend to do this. Could this possibly be the reason for her wanting to leave town? 

My question is are you ready for the constant uphill battle ahead? As you will sacrifice much time and energy with no promise of reaping any potential benefits. Dependent on how long youve been with this girl it may be easier to walk away sooner rather than later... the longer you stay the more you invest emotions and time will just make it that much harder to leave. But the path you choose ultimately your choice. 

And just for the record your doing nothing wrong mate. Its the disorder not you. All you can do if shes untreated is learn more about BPD and skills and actions to cope like validation,boundaries,and patience lots of patience.

[hotncold]

thanks chasing_ghosts.  Indeed this does sometimes feel like we are chasing a ghost.  And no I'm not sure I'm in for this rollercoaster ride.   I did finally ask her what she thought about therapy and she dismissed it.  It's very strange because in the past she has also spoken highly about it... .so many things she tells me are contradictory, it's very hard for me to figure out what's what.  She says she is aware of her emotions, and so she is working with that... .but the push pull continues.  Anyway, she seems determined to move away now, so perhaps I won't have to make this decision after all.  In discussing our relationship getting more serious, I told her I wished she would work on making her life better and she seems to think that she is... .But I'm not really seeing it.   I,m not exactly sure why she wants to leave town, except she says that there's nothing for her here and she wants to start fresh and new in another city.  I keep getting the feeling she wants me to run after her all the time, and perhaps this leaving town is another push tactic... .Yes it's exhausting.   Anyway, I did say I wished she could make her life better. Perhaps next time I'll just have to be very blunt and say I am not willing to pursue anything serious with her unless she is willing to go to therapy.   Thanks again for your advice.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Not a problem mate. I appreciate youre assessment on my user name and yes it does especially when the person we fall for slowly ceases to exist without a trace. Glad to offer any insight in this struggle to shine some light as i know that we can feel entrenched in when dealing with the disorder.

To quote Bob Marley "Light up the darkness." 

Perhaps next time I'll just have to be very blunt and say I am not willing to pursue anything serious with her unless she is willing to go to therapy. 

I just want to add that ultimatums can either go very good or horribly. The good being that it can sometimes be the push they need to "snap" back to reality. The bad being it can trigger them to pull away even more as they feel cornered or trapped. Especially considering the nature of the subject matter being therapy. To truly work it must be the individuals decision to want the change. Just something to consider when planning your approach at this. I do totally understand your frustration though with the constant contradiction and lack of growth. Whatever the decision is its up to you as theres no right or wrong choices since this is your relationship. You have to be the one to choose whats best for you and your happiness.

And just remember YOUR happiness matters in this too!

[hotncold]

Thanks again for your feedback. I think I've made my decision. She's bringing her ex back into the fold, an ex who seems to play the same games as she does, and I'm not interested in these games... .I know where my line is and it's a combination of no therapy and this triangulation with the ex. I'm not interested in a love triangle so I'm out.  Whether I get the chance to tell her is a different story . I'm gonna sit on this for a little while to make sure I'm comfortable with it and then draw my line. If there's one thing I won't tolerate it's this.  Whether she's actually cheated or not is not relevant to me actually. It's the mind games I'm most disgusted by. I suppose sooner or later they cross our lines and it's up to us to enforce. I think I'm ready for it. Again thanks for your support.

[duncanville1]

I will add something to this thread, the above posts point to a one sided relationship; a relationship on the other parties terms. It seems as the BPD other half is simply using you to get their needs met, but not meeting much if any of yours. They are content with whatever or whom ever they are doing at the current time, but they still want you to fill some need. This is a pretty common BPD trait and if you have little invested in this relationship, you may want to examine this before you take it any farther.