Why does she always tell me she has a party to go to?

[Depression = 72% of members]

  Hi all ,

So I'm spending a lot of time reading here at BPD family but still trying to get a good understanding of this condition. My BPDexgf and I share a son. I'm working on LC , I still hurt a bit. Anyway my question is about the times we do speak in regards to my boy she never misses the opportunity to tell me about her night out tonight or the party that she's headed to. Or the get together she's been invited to. Ima single parent of 3 kids on my own outside of the son we have together. I have no time for these sorts of things and Im sure she knows that. Is she trying to hurt me ?   If so , it's working. Maybe it's just all in my head. When we were together tho' she never had much interest in going to parties. Now she's out every other night. I probably shouldn't care but it does bother me.

Is this regular behavior for pwBPD ?

[Saskatchewan]

  Hi all ,

So I'm spending a lot of time reading here at BPD family but still trying to get a good understanding of this condition. My BPDexgf and I share a son. I'm working on LC , I still hurt a bit. Anyway my question is about the times we do speak in regards to my boy she never misses the opportunity to tell me about her night out tonight or the party that she's headed to. Or the get together she's been invited to. Ima single parent of 3 kids on my own outside of the son we have together. I have no time for these sorts of things and Im sure she knows that. Is she trying to hurt me ?   If so , it's working. Maybe it's just all in my head. When we were together tho' she never had much interest in going to parties. Now she's out every other night. I probably shouldn't care but it does bother me.

Is this regular behavior for pwBPD ?

[NeedHelpPls]

Does she also never fail to mention other guys who showed interest?

Assume you are dealing with a child, then you start to understand their behavior.

Tantrums, burst of anger, lack of patience, inciting jealousy, etc.

Don't worry. Hang in there, and keep yourself busy. If you respond to them the same way, she'll get upset, as if you are not allowed to have a great time on your own.

[enlighten me]

Yep its the school yard behaviour of a child.

Its the "Look at what your missing. Im so popular"

When really its a desperate cry for you to validate her.

[Saskatchewan]

I'd also add that it seems to happen more now that I'm weaning contact with her down to a minimum. She never contacts me but when we do speak she can't wait to tell me about her "adventures" . It really does knock me back a few steps as far as healing goes. Is that her intention ? Is it by design ?

[enlighten me]

It yells at me as her wanting you to acknowledge her and that you want her back.

Its like a boy pulling a girls hair that he likes.

Yes it is intentional.

Try not to let it get to you though. It used to get to me when my exs did it but now I laugh it off as childish and pathetic. Be realistic about it and ask yourself why should you get upset by someone so child like.

[Mutt]

I'd also add that it seems to happen more now that I'm weaning contact with her down to a minimum. She never contacts me but when we do speak she can't wait to tell me about her "adventures" . It really does knock me back a few steps as far as healing goes. Is that her intention ? Is it by design ?

I'm so sorry Saskatchewan. I have 3 kids with my ex. I was split black and she found another attachment in the marriage and left with him. She was having an affair for months. I would go and pick the kids up at 1700 and she was half dressed ready to go out with the replacement. I could tell she was in her honeymoon and it hurt badly.

You were with her for three years and suffered a loss. It's difficult hearing about what fun she is having when you are in knee deep in pain.

I'm in LC with my ex as well. How do you communicate? How does she tell you this? By email, phone or text?

[Saskatchewan]

Mostly face to face or on the phone. Really it's every time we speak lately. She doesn't mention any other source, only " he's just an old friend " or about the next " event " she's on her way to. Im sure there are other men. She hides them. Maybe I should be thankful of that.

[Mutt]

I created boundaries when my ex left. It was too much to bare. I needed space and time to heal my wounds. I'm sorry you are going through this Saskatchewan.

~ Communication by email only and only about our kids. E-mail takes the tone and inflection out. If I get triggered I can take my time to respond. I would wait 24 hours to respond. It's easy to get triggered and caught off guard in a conversation on the phone or in real life.

~ I didn't talk to her about anything else other than the kids needs at drop offs and pick ups. I was there and spent no more than 2 minutes and left.

That was almost two years ago. I can talk to her now but it took time. It was hard watching her return to her emotional baseline of happiness when I was in so much pain.

Do you text, Facebook?

Do you co-parent, parallel parent?

[Saskatchewan]

I'm also sorry for your pain Mutt. Thanks for the suggestions. We do text but I won't Facebook.   In the beginning I didn't even want the relationship so I'm not sure why I still hurt over it all. I will admit the idealized stage hooked me deep. I'm ready to move past her and yet her behaviour still causes me pain. Sucks

[Saskatchewan]

As for co-parent or parallel, I have yet to figure that out. Seems like co- so far. Although I've read here that there can never really be co-parenting with a disordered person. It's all so confusing. I just read and read here , the more I do it feels like things are getting better every day. At least I know now what I'm dealing with.

[Mutt]

Thanks Saskatchewan. My advice is to learn about BPD. It helped me with healing my wounds. I parallel parent but things have improved in the last few months. I would have to credit that to myself by learning why she does what she does. What her triggers are and knowing when to leave her alone. Parallel parenting is to stop the bleeding. I learned most of it here on bpdfamily.

I'm not there yet, but co-parenting is a possibility in the future. Your ex is emotionally immature. You're wounded - hurt. Her maladaptive coping mechanisms is what allows her to move on so quickly. We're not built that way. We need to grieve the loss of a loved one. I think fine tuning your LC will help you heal quicker than  hearing by her ventures - it will prolong your suffering. It's about you and your child now and what's best for the child. I had to heal to be present for my own, to help them cope.

Are you done with the r/s? She shouldn't be sharing that with you. You can use boundaries on yourself. If she does X I react with Y.