My story

[Fluff]

Hi everyone.

I originally posted my story in the New members sub-forum hoping for feedback, but I understand it doesn't have as many visits as this one.

I saw someone else post his/her story here, so I guess it's ok.

I'm posting because I have questions I can't shake off. Since she isn't diagnosed, yet, I obviously wonder if she would be classified as BPD. Or maybe HPD, taking Vaknins description of the PDs' sexual preferences into account.

But maybe more so, the story is full of what to me is mysteries I will never get to the truth about, but hearing your opinions on them would help me tremendously to close this book once and for all.

It's a lot of text, but I've spent a lot of time making it as easy to read as I'm capable of.

[Fluff]

A little about me

I'm male, in my early thirties, living in north of Europe.

My father was originally my mothers psychologist and after dating for 6 months they decide to have a child, me. My father has drinking problems and a couple of years into their relationship he start being aggressive resulting in my mother fleeing with me to a "womens shelter". They get back together and two years later have my sister. They soon divorce, my father leaves, and then get back together. Both came from families of alcoholics. My mothers family being the most dysfunctional one.

At the age of 10 they divorce again and I move with my father 300km(190 miles) away from my mother and sister. He’s drinking heavily for a couple of years and use to be up all nights drinking and listening to loud music, while I’m crying and shaking with fear in my sweaty bed  into the morning. During this time I develop temporary OCD-ideas, in a desperate attempt to take control of the situation. My mother understands what’s going on, but I always lie and say there’s no problem. I’m afraid it will destroy him if he loses custody of me.

Their communication is a mess, and for the first years I have to be the middle man, as well as the target for both sides smear campaigns against each other.

At the age of 20 I move away from home to start studying at university in another city. Up until now I have had quite a lot of girlfriends and FWB’s, but never on my initiative, they came come to me and I accepted. For some reason I decide to live in celibacy for three years. As sort of a challenge. Unless I happen to meet ”the one”. After two years my father suddenly passes away. Apparently he has secretly lived with Hepatitis C, which he had gotten while injecting Amphetamine in his teens.

Soon three years had passed by, I graduate and move to a bigger city to look for a job. I move in with an ex of mine and one of her girlfriends. They constantly try to make me have sex with them and I realize I could see the situation as either the prize for my 3 year celibacy or as the final test in looking for the one. I go with the latter. I don’t care about sex alone, I want to find ”her”!

Another 7 years pass by with no intimacy at all. A lot of women are hitting on me, but they’re not ”her”. Still waiting, rather than looking, for ”the one”.

[Fluff]

The honeymoon

At the age of 29 I quit my job as a programmer and go backpacking in India for six months with a friend.

   After traveling for 3,5 months I end up at a guesthouse in the Himalayas, where I befriend four Israelis, a 25 year old girl and her 23 year old male cousin, as well as two guys. We have a lot of good times together, going on picnics, hikes, learning each others languages and so on. All of us are sensitive, quiet and caring people. We soon feel like a little family.

   Me and the girl hang out a lot. We do yoga in the morning up on the roof of the guesthouse and I slowly get to know her. She works at a dog shelter back home and helps scared dogs gain trust in humans so they can be adopted. She also have this wild, desperado thing going on. She’s a big weed smoker and apparently is quite experienced with heavier drugs. She has a very generous nature, always tipping heavily and giving people compliments. I’m amazed by how well she finds just the right compliments. She's eager to let us know that she was institutionalized a couple of years ago for eating disorders. Yup, you got it, this is the one I’m about to fall for. Let’s call her uBPDgf from now.

After two weeks the group splits up. The uBPDgf, her cousin and one of the guys continues on to another village but after a couple of days the rest of us follows. We reunite in the new village far up in the lush mountains and I realize I had really missed her. In the evening me, her, one of the guys and a second girl do MDMA(the first time for me in 10 years). It doesn’t take long before me and my uBPDgf start stroking each others hands and arms. We’re so happy to touch each other, like we’d been longing for it a long time. After some time the others fall asleep while me and her lies entangled, cuddling all the way to the morning.

   The next day we all pack up to go to another village together with a german guy that showed up. It’s a long 6 hour walk up muddy slopes and all the way I’m wondering if what happened was purely based on the drugs or if there was something more to it. I want it to continue! I loved cuddling with her!

   Once we reach the new village, far far up in the Himalayas, we get a big room that we all share. Me and her fall asleep on tow beds next to each other.

I wake up early in the morning. Everyone is sleeping. Except her. We immediately start kissing and she showers me with compliments in her baby voice. Things like "You're beautiful on the inside, and outside!" and ”You are perfect!”. She starts stroking my crotch, saying "What a beautiful penis" and "You're so big!" (no not really). Within 10 minutes she gives me the best BJ of my life and swallows. I’m in bliss bliss bliss. I don’t think of her as ”the one”. I’m just enjoying life by now. This is great.

   After a while the rest of the crew wakes up and the day starts. Insecure as I am I still wonder if she likes me. Later in the day the both of us are laying in the grass next to a little waterfall, cuddling, as she tells me she has a boyfriend back home, but that they were on a break. Apparently he had seen a picture of me a couple of weeks earlier and gotten jealous which lead to her taking a break from him by saying they shouldn’t talk for awhile.

After a day or two we pack up once again and head back down the mountain to a small town, but before we leave I pick up a white string I find on the ground as some sort of souvenire. From now on me and her always have our own room. It’s a given.

   She starts buying me gifts, bracelets and necklaces, while I try to find out more about her. She seems to have some sort of depression, back home at least, because here with me she seems as happy as can be. I also find out she wants to go to South America in the future to perform an Ayahuasca ceremony, in the hopes it could heal her. I’m not taking it very seriously as she seems so happy.

   One night we fall asleep under a blanket in the sand next to a river. It’s magical. We’re like two broken children, fitting each other like pieces of a puzzle.

After nearly a week it’s time to move. The cousin has to go to his ashram and my uBPDgf has promised and old ex of hers to meet up with him in another Himalayan town, quite far away from where we are. Together we take a taxi there.

   We arrive early in the morning and soon find a family we can live with. Me and her get our own room which we soon start decorating, making it our little home. Our friends are all staying in rooms nearby. I meet her exbf, he seems like a nice guy. She tells me stories of how he was depressed and very controlling when they were together. How he didn't want to have sex with her, because of his depression, and she had to constantly try to seduce him. I also heard that he could be very mean and violent to others when they went out. They say he’s crazy.

   After a week me and the girl get our own apartment where we can cook our own food and by now we really feel like a couple. She keeps bombarding me with compliments like "My beautiful child and amazing man", "My last hope", ”My life” and "The perfect one". From out of nowhere she kneels and gives me BJ’s. It’s like a dream for me! She usually were my clothes and buy similar clothes, but it’s hard to tell if she is mirroring me. She starts talking a little less, which I don’t like. I liked that she talked more than me. At one point I get the feeling that she’s not really listening to me when I’m talking and I say this to her. She says she has a hard time understanding what I’m saying. Intellectually we’re very far apart. I’m hoping we can bridge this later.

   During this time more red flags shows up. I notice she’s really good at lying. Something that could come in handy, as I'm more or less incapable of lying myself. I teasingly complement her on this (smiley) and in response she gives me a surprisingly hard slap across the face. I’m shocked and tell her firmly that if she ever does that again it's over. She laughs it off, but never does it again.

   She tells me (and at one point the whole group in a bragging way) that she likes it rough in bed. She likes to be tied up, choked and whipped. I also learn more about her parents. She talks to her father on the phone daily, but they’re both using baby voice with eachother. I find it disturbing. She tells me he’s the most amazing man and that her first son will have his name. She don’t talk much about her mother, but she seems to not like her very much. Her parents had divorced when she was ten after her father had cheated on her mother and then left the family to start a new one. After this she had lived with her mother who spent more time with different boyfriends than with her.

   She also lets me know her boyfriend back home was very jealous, controlling and not letting her go out without him. I better not get jealous I realize. =)

   We stay in this mountain town in absolute bliss for a month before reality catches up to us and it’s time to go back to our respective countries.

[Fluff]

The great roller coaster ride

As soon as we get back home in October we immediately start Skyping and quickly realizes we have to get back together somehow. She is back with her boyfriend as they have a house together. Technically it’s her house, that her father pays for as well as all other bills. Meanwhile I have to live with my mother until I get my apartment back. It’s hard for her to break up with him but after a couple of weeks she finally pulls it off with the old ”I need some time for myself”.

   By now we’re Skyping daily and constantly messaging through out the days. She’s sending me voice messages, singing love songs to me.

A month later my uBPDgf, her father and three  older brothers goes to Berlin for a weekend and they want me to join. I’m still broke, looking for a new job, but manage to take a small bank loan. We have a great weekend, though tense and charged. One of her brothers is a psychologist and I have some good conversations with him. I like him.

   The first two nights we’re stuck sharing a big hotel room with two of her brothers, but the last night we finally get our room in another hotel. We meet up with the German guy who we met in India, go to a club together and then spend the rest of the night in our room, holding each other until the morning when my plane leaves. Paralyzed by having to be separated again.

She seems to have a tough time back home, sleeping with one of my sweaters. Smoking weed and drinking, moderately, daily. Her exbf is causing her a lot of heartache and guilt and she is trying to figure out if she left him for me or if she would had left him anyway. He can absolutely not find out about me, as it would be embarrassing to her if he found out she left him for another.

   They have big fights in her home, always ending up with her having severe dissociative panic attacks. He is constantly trying to work her from different angles. Giving her gifts, saying he never loved her and then back to asking for a second chance.

   She is also having fights almost daily with a male co-worker, who ends up confessing his love for her right as he’s about to get married. I do get a little bit stressed about this. So many men wanting her! But I better not get jealous! Stay cool.

   After one of the panic attacks she gets to see a doctor who gives her benzodiazepines and Prozac to eat daily. I’m afraid the pills will make her forget about me, and to my shame I try to convince her to stop eating them. Instead I try to make sure she starts therapy, which unfortunately never happens. She quit the medicine for a couple of days and then start again.

   By this time her deeply depressed cousin, that traveled with us in India, is back home in Israel as well and is now dating my uBPDgf’s best friend. Their relationship seems very shaky, with breakups many times a week!

   After a while she starts to sporadically disappear now and then. I would call her after work and she won't answer until the next morning, saying she fell asleep early or that she is depressed and don't feel like talking to anyone. Or she says she is busy and that she will call me up, but don’t. The next day she’s be back to "I love youuuu! I miss you so much!". I can understand this, because there seems to be a lot of people wanting her time, family, friends and pursuers. This behavior slowly starts escalating and it starts to stress me out more and more.

Around new years eve I get my own apartment back and she comes to visit me for ten days. We spend most of the time in the bed, cuddling, having sex and watching TV-shows.

   I try to get to know her a little deeper but about the only thing I learn is that her favorite movie is called "Girl interrupted". She still doesn't ask me anything about me. I also notice that she seem to see things in black and white, good or bad. I try to share a more complex view but it doesn't seem to register.

   She meets my mother and my sister, they both love her, but with some reservation. We try to come up with "the master plan" for how to get together for real, but don’t really come up with anything.

   She goes back home.

We continue to talk daily, promising each other not to give up. Well, almost daily by now, as she continues to disappear from time to time. She mentions that her best friend is trying to hook her up with her best friends cousin, but that she’s not interested. More men!

   She also apologizes for always talking about her ex and thanks me for not giving up on her and her ___.

   At this point I’m working 14-16 hours a day to get my finances back on track. Together with her push and pull and all the talk about pursuers I start getting really stressed. I mention to her that I’m thinking about starting Prozac myself, she really doesn't want me to.

   I continue working hard and try to set up my life in a way that would allow me to work on a distance from Israel. Or if that doesn't work out, from India. At the same time she starts looking into a second job to get money to move here as well as certificates for her two dogs to bring them here. Still, she disappears now and then, which my sister is starting to react to. Telling me my uBPDgf playing me, spinning plates.

   After another occasion where she says she will call me back but never does I confront her about it, to which she starts crying, saying everyone is disappointed of her and that she should just kill herself to make everyone happy. What is this cracking sound under my feet? Egg shells? I immediately pull back and give her the benefit of the doubt, again.

At the end of January a male friend that traveled with us in India also gets back to Israel. I’ll call him MF for now on. Suddenly she disappear for two days. When she finally starts calling me I childishly responded by not answering, to show her what it felt like. When I finally pick up the phone a day later she tells me she had went to visit MF and that she had forgotten to charge her phone. Looking back she had her ovulation at this time. This benefit of the doubt is a b*tch!

The swinging between silence, coldness and the old blissful affection and promises continues. Sometimes when she answers she’s talking in her baby voice, other times she sounds more like a prison guard. It's driving me absolutely crazy. I also notice she changes her vioce and the way she talks depending on who she’s with.

   She’s working outdoors under the Israeli sun, but still doesn't drink any water or eat anything until she gets home in the afternoon. At a couple occasions I send her texts to remind her to drink but soon realize I cant be parenting her like that.

In mid February I go to visit her in Israel. I go there one day before I have told her I will come, to surprise her at Valentines day. An 8 hour flight later I arrive. The MF picks me up and I spend with night with him and some friends of his. In the morning I go to the city where my uBPDgf lives, I buy a rose and take a cab to the shelter where she works. To my surprise she isn’t there but is instead taking care of her father who has a cold. Her cousin pick me up and we drive to her fathers place. Before the car has come to a complete halt she opens the door and throws herself at me with kisses.

   We later go to her house but because there’s a risk her exbf might show up we instead spend the night at her best friends place. My uBPDgf now has four dogs that we bring with us. Her best friend has two huge pit bulls and a bunch of cats. I love it.

   Meanwhile, back home, my diagnosed BPD childhood friend, that I for the moment is sharing my apartment with, is having a psychotic episode. Me and my mother has been helping him for a couple of years, when he’s not institutionalized. My uBPDgf really likes this.

   The second night we spend in my uBPDgfs house. I don’t know why. It seems weird looking back. Was it planned? Soon someone starts banging on the door, trying to break it open. It’s her exbf. At first we’re hiding in her bed room, not sure what to do, but then she goes out to talk to him. After a while he leaves and when she comes back inside she tells me she told him I, he apparently knows who I am, was there visiting. But as friends only. He leaves and later in the night tries to commit suicide by overdosing pills.

   The last day and night we spend at her fathers beach apartment in another city and early in the morning I go back home.

The push pull continues like usual with a lot of apologizes and ”I don’t deserve you”. She’s a bit paranoid I’m with other women and at one point she says I can have sex with other women but only love her. Cool, I don't plan to anyway. Wait, what? Ok, benefit of the doubt, sure.

Two weeks later she goes on a ski vacation for a week with her family. They always use the same ski instructor and she, from out of nowhere, assure me I don't have to worry about him, because he’s fat.

   They seem to have a good time and I’m happy for her getting to relax from her stressful life. A couple of days into the vacation she goes to party with the instructor. Looking back, just after ovulation.

   By the end of the trip she suddenly start talking about committing suicide.

   The last day of the vacation she sprain her ankle and later she tells me her little sister (from her fathers new family) believes my uBPDgf is in love with the instructor. Cute, trying to make me jealous.

   The next day she’s back home in Israel and because of the sprained ankle she’s not able to work. During this week she don't want to talk to me, because she's depressed. She still sends me texts saying how much she loves and missed me. I think MF spends a lot of time at her place. So many men!

   She start looking for a new house for the two of us.

A week later, a Friday in the middle of March, she is about to go to a party (or Saturday morning rather). I talk to her early in the evening and apparently MF is there watching a movie with her. He's apparently not coming with her to the part. I find it a bit odd since he lives two hours away by car. Why drive a total of 4 hours to watch a movie with her. Again, ovulation time.

   She wakes up unusually late the following day and says she never went to the party because it was canceled. Instead she’s going to a party this night. She now disappear for two days without contact. I’m so worried because of her habit of driving drunk daily, and even on acid sometimes.

   On Tuesday she finally gets back to me, saying she has to talk to me. A couple of hours later she get back from work and call me on Skype. She say she had done a lot of acid at the party and accidentally stumbled upon her exbf there. She explain that she left the party, walked around with a friend and had come to the conclusion that she need to be on her own. I know what this means and tell her I would get back to her when I have cooled down. She then start messaging me saying "I'll die if I lose you!" and "I'm not complete without you!". What? She just broke up with me!

   We start talking and she explains she needs to be alone for a million reasons.Our relationship started before the old one ended, she needs to focus on her work and she wants to learn to be happy on her own. I tell her I won’t sit around waiting forever and ask if this is what she expects of me or if she wants to be alone until she gets the house. ”The house” she says. And we end by promising each other to not give up.

   The following days I’m a mess, swinging between emotions and stances. One day I text her something along the lines of "You're trying to eat the cake and have it" to which she respond "Wow! Whatever. That is really bad of you to say!" By now things felt really weird, but after a couple of days she starts sending me loving texts again and things gets back to normal.

Soon she finds a new house. She send me pictures of it for my approval. It looked like a dream. It was a little wooden house painted yellow. Finally we would be able to get what we had in India again. Finally this confused nightmare would end. FINALLY!

Two weeks later, at the beginning of April, one month before she’s about to get the house, her cousin shots himself in the head after another breakup with his gf. Apparently he has miraculously survived and is now in the intensive care, swinging between life and death.

   The following month she spend most of her time taking care of him in the hospital or at home with the best friend and the MF drinking and smoking. The male friend seem to sleep there most every day by now.

   I try to be as supportive as I can, while giving her space. After a week or two, after I had mentioned how much I love it when she sings to me, she starts sending me voice messages again. Singing love songs or stuff like ”I love love love love love love you!”. She want me to come at the end of the month when she will get the new house. I buy plane tickets for visiting her for two weeks.

   During this month I have a nervous break down and my mom move in with me for a couple of days to help me out. I’m absolutely burned out. Incapable of the most basic things. Typing on a keyboard takes forever, I just cant find the keys. I quit one of my work assignments to get rid of some stress and get sleeping medicines and slowly I'm almost back to normal.

   My uBPDgf is really excited about seeing me.

[Fluff]

Welcome to hell

Wednesday. Early in the morning the last of April my uBPDgf picks me up at the airport in Israel. We drive to her old house as she has not yet moved into the new house and we soon fall asleep entangled.

   A couple of hours later we wake up and the day starts. It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining and the birds are singing in the trees in her huge inner-city garden. She says she will come visit me in about a month, at which point she believes her cousin should be out from the hospital. She asks me if I want to move in with her in the new house and I say that I will do my best. She seems to be keeping a little distance to me.

   Most of the day we’re packing and cleaning and I notice she is calling and texting at a raging tempo. Whenever we go for a drive, she is constantly texting. Busy busy busy. I want to reconnect with her, but she is very distant, which is hard for me. Why can’t she spare even 10 minutes. But as we run past each other in the cleaning frenzy she grabs my crotch, saying ”Gotcha!” with a smile.

   In the afternoon we drive to the new house, together with a friend of hers that is a gardener. He is supposed to help her set up fences around the house for the dogs. He seems disappointed by my presence. I think he has a crush on her.

   When we get back she tells me she can't get into the romantic feeling because of how her cousins suicide attempt. I can understand that.

   In the evening she leaves to visit her cousin at the hospital. When she gets back home a couple of hours later she tells me she has now promised her cousin he can live with her in the new house, since I didn't want to. What? I’m disappointed but keep it to myself. Now we have no chance of getting back. Does she have to sacrifice everything?

Thursday. She goes to work at the dog shelter early in the morning, but before leaving, with a grin on her face, she asks me if I have reconsidered the tying up, choking and whipping. I tell her no, with a FWB I could possibly do that, not with her.

   During the day I take care of the four dogs, do the dishes and clean up to free up some time for her. Her best friend shows up and we talk a little. She tells me I shouldn't take my uBPDgfs distance personally as it has nothing to do with me. She still loves me. In the afternoon, when my uBPDgf gets back home from visiting the hospital after work, she seems down. She starts asking me what the point of living is and why she shouldn't just end it. I try to give my view on it. Unfortunately, instead of asking what’s wrong, I assume it’s because her cousins talking has affected her.

   She has a couple of drinks and then we drive to visit her best friend to get her some weed. Not long after leaving she hits a cat with the car and starts to panic. I run back to the house to get a cage that we put the cat in. She’s hysterical, crying all the way to her friend while trying to reach a veterinarian she knows on the phone. On the road she then realizes she had promised a suicidal friend she would help him bury his dog that evening and panics even more. The cat eventually dies in the cage and I throw it in a garbage can. We get the weed from her friend and drive back home. I give her a face massage and she later goes to sleep at the hospital. She, her best friend and the cousins sister takes turns in sleeping in his hospital room. Unlike the other two who sleep on a sofa, she sleeps on a chair next to the cousins bed. I sleep alone. But it’s ok.

Friday. Her best friend comes by with her two pit bulls and we talk about my uBPDgf’s suicide talk. Apparently her friend is worried about her as well and we discuss whether we should talk to her father or not. She also tells me that she, the best friend, has attempted suicide a couple of times, used to cut her self and is diagnosed with BPD. I’ll refer to her as dBPDf from now on. She leaves to visit her bf, the cousin, at the hospital.

   I’m now taking care of six dogs and spend most of the day cleaning up the huge garden. When she gets home in the afternoon she tells me I’m acting weird. I’m starting to feel kind of weird by now. I show her around the garden and we end up kissing a little bit under a tree. I try to get eye contact with her but she looks away, asking me what I’m looking for. ”Love” I say. She apologizes again for being so distant.

   In the afternoon we visit her cousin in the hospital. It’s a weird sight. A big piece of his head is missing, but he seems to be doing fine without it. There are photos and happy quotes and drawings all around the bed.

   In the evening the dBPDf and the MF shows up and we smoke and drink.

The days goes by in the same manner. She’s constantly busy and when she’s not, we’re not alone. Within an hour she manages to swing between happy and depressed, and I never seem to be in any kind of sync with her.

  She is smoking weed daily as usual, but I also notice she's drinking quite a lot. She could easily drink three full glasses of vodka after coming home from work. She says she's been drinking like this since the ski vacation.

   One day when we’re at the hospital, alone with her cousin, she is playing him love songs and massaging his back and feet with such empathy. I don’t mind, but something is off, it’s a little too much.

   Another day, on our way from the new house, she sings along with a love song on the radio, looking at me, smiling.

   One day, while driving she starts getting texts from he exbf who apparently had been away and is now back in town. She seems somewhat excited about it.

On the sixth day, Monday, it’s finally time to move. While moving I meet my uBPDgfs mother and her boyfriend. Her mother is very reserved towards me and not welcoming at all. Not mean, just reserved.

   Later, while driving, my uBPDgf thanks me for helping her move, grabs my crotch and tells me she will take care of me later. I tell her it’s not her obligation, assuming she is still not really in the mood.

The next day, Tuesday, it’s Independence day where I meet most of her extended family at a big picnic. After the picnic we go back to the house. She’s switching between being happy, being sad while unpacking and cleaning at high speed as usual.

Wednesday. I spend most of the day painting a little table in the new house while my uBPDgf is working. I feel so unbalanced. I’ve had difficult emotions towards the MF for a while. Envious in a way, because it was so easy for him to communicate with my uBPDgf while I had so many feelings getting in the way. I write him a text message apologizing in case I've been acting weird.

   My girl comes home late and is very angry at me for having sent the text to the MF. She says it will be weird for them to see each other now and that I've planted a seed. As in, if she cheats with him now it’s my fault.

   A little later the dBPDf shows up, whom after a while gets a text from her boyfriend, the cousin, saying he wants to marry my uBPDgf. Very weird. At first the girls takes it as a joke or that he’s confused because of the injury. He continues to write that she is an angel and that he wants them to live together as a couple, and then takes it all back as a joke. Later my goes to sleep at the hospital.

The day after, Thursday, the cousin tells his mother that he wasn't joking, which reaches my girl and her best friend. Everything is very confusing and the dBPDf is very distressed about it.

   After coming back fro work we drive for an errand. On the way back her mother calls. I dont know what they’re saying but suddenly my girl throws her phone against the dashboard and it breaks. We arrive at the new house and talk for a little bit, she tells me why she loves me so much and then goes to the hospital.

   When she comes back she’s in despair. She tells me she can’t live anymore. She has decided to take her life as she can’t stand feeling empty inside any longer. She says she had hoped she would be in an accident on the way back home. She has made up her mind.

   I panic. I don't know what to do. She seems determined to take her life and it’s killing me. I can’t take any more. Soon she’s collected herself. I sigh in an attempt to focus, which triggers her again. ”Don’t sigh! I cant stand seeing you sad like this!” she says. She now tells me she wants me to leave and go stay with a friend I have in another city for the remaining days. She says she cant stand seeing me hurting like this and that this was the reason she wanted to be alone.

   Meanwhile the best friend starts texting me from the hospital telling me everyone is worried crazy about my uBPDgf, wondering where she is as she isn't answering her now broken phone. She drives to the hospital, as it’s her night shift.

   A little later her father calls me, asking me for advice. I tell him she’s really close to a suicide attempt, that she needs to be hospitalized and that they have to get her away from all the drama. I end the conversation by telling him I will call him the next day to meet up with him.

   After a couple of hours the dBPDf and the MF comes to the house. I talk with the dBPDf who tells me my uBPDgf has been way to intimate with the cousin, spooning with him with legs entangled, and that might be why the cousin is now confused.

   Not much later my uBPDgf comes home. She says she is angry with me and the dBPDf for having talked to her father.

   The MF goes back home.

Later in the night I’m sitting next to her as she’s talking with the MF on the phone. I don't understand what they’re saying, but I hear him talking with a seducing kind of voice on the other end. She is laughing. I feel like a joke.

   That night I sleep by my self in the bed room while she sleeps with the dBPFf in the living room.  I feel so bad by now. Everything is spinning.

The next day, Friday, the MF shows up again and the four of us goes to buy my uBPDgf a new phone as well as a ton of flowers for the house. It’s killing me to see the house so beautiful now that I know it wont be for me. She says she cant wait to take her ex to the new house. What?

   I’m calling my friend in the other city all day but he doesn't answer.

   In the night I sleep alone again, she is sleeping with her friends in the living room.

I wake up before the others Saturday morning and go to the store to buy us some juice as I guess they’re hungover.

   After a couple of hours I finally reach my friend. I go for a walk to talk with him on the phone and as I start telling him everything that has happened all the emotions I had held within starts coming up. He says he will come pick me up the next day and we hang up. I’m sitting next to a little dirt road where I start crying uncontrollably until I fall asleep right there. I’m exhausted. I just want to get away from this nightmare. To re-balance. To understand what’s going on.

   In the afternoon the two friends leave.

Last day.

   My friend shows up while my uBPDgf is at work. I’m so happy to see him. We hang out in the house for awhile and I tell him that I have to say good bye to her before I leave. He’s in a hurry and can’t wait for her to get back from work, so he goes back to his city on his own.

   After an hour or so she comes back from work and tries to start a fight with me out on the porch. It’s a silly attempt that backfires and dies out as quickly as it started. When I go inside I see her  laying on the bed in the living room crying. This is the first time I see her cry. I sit down next to her, hold her hand and start crying myself. She says ”Don’t be sad”. I say ”I’m not, I cry because you’re crying”. After awhile she gets up and says ”You are just like me... ”.

   We start driving towards my friends city and I tell her that everything has gone wrong and is upside-down and that I don't want this to happen. She says she knows and puts on one of our songs. What, now it’s time to be romantic?

   We arrive in his city. It’s beautiful. All the trees has purple leaves, partly covering the ground. We walk hand in hand until we reach his coffeehouse. We say hi and then go around a corner and start making out, for the first time since I came. She tells me she will make it up to me next time. She leaves with a big smile and blows me a kiss.

   I can’t explain how I’m feeling now. I’m sad, angry, lost. Trying to go through everything and understand what happened. Constantly thinking. What had just happened? Are we still together or not? Does she hate me? If so, why? Make it up to me next time? So there is a next time?

   Two days later, it’s the middle of May, and I’m on my plane back home. I’m mostly starring into nothing. I’m shattered. Confused.

[Fluff]

The aftermath

The day after I get home I send her a message saying I'm doing good, in an attempt to not make her feel guilty. All that talk of suicide still haunts me. She says she’s happy for me.

   After a week I decide to go no contact with her after sending her a goodbye message, telling her she can always call me and so on. She replies with a ”Oh baby I can’t believe how much you care for me” and then basically repeats what I had said.

   Soon I stumble upon something called co-dependency, which seems to be relevant to both of us. By now I’m not sure what I want. Emotionally I’m still attached to her but intellectually I know I have to try to break the bond. It’s not good for me. What I do know is that I care about her a lot. I don’t want her to suffer and i definitely don’t want her to commit suicide. I decide to contact her again and let her know about this co-dependency thing. Maybe it can set her off on the road to healing. She doesn't reply.

   I’m an absolute mess and one week later I start going to therapy once a week. At first to deal with my ongoing trauma, but later to start dealing with my childhood stuff. The dBPDf tells me my uBPDgf has started therapy as well.

At the end of May I’m talking to the dBPDf again, who tells me I should move on, because my girl is. She also tells me my girl was never in love with me. I assure her she was referring to the voice messages where she was singing to me right before I came to visit. She tells me ”Maybe, but she was always very confused about it”.

   I’m still trying to understand what happened and I tell MF I wish he could tell me what had happened behind my back. He replies with ”You wish wink”.

   By now reading about co-dependency has led me to BPD and NPD. I’m reading full-time for weeks.

June comes and she rarely responds to my messages. At one point I get ”I’m Sorry I’m so not romantic right now. I’m still a mess from time to time.”

   I've finally had enough of the one-way communication and, for like the 10th time, decide not to contact her again. That night I out of nowhere get a ”Good night baby”. And I’m back in the loop.

   Two days later I pull it together again and send her a message saying I can’t do this anymore. She tells me she’s at a dinner and that she will call me in the morning so that we can talk like normal people. Finally! I can’t wait to end this properly, and hear her voice!

   I wait all morning but she never calls. At 11 I message her, asking if she’s ready to do this. She says she leaving to visit her mother and that she will call me in the afternoon. I get pissed off and tell her to forget about it and that I’m tired of being controlled like one of her dogs. She says ”That is very bad of you to say! Maybe we really shouldn't talk!”.

I’m done. A week goes by and I then send her what would come to be that last message. It’s a good, insightful message that made my friend tear up when reading it.

   I also contact her brother, the psychologist, saying he should consult a specialist in BPD.

My therapy continues, I definitely don’t want her back anymore but I’m still thinking about her constantly. By the end of June looking at her Facebook it’s obvious she’s in a honeymoon phase with a new guy. A guy whose awesomeness she had mentioned back in India. They’re posting love songs on each others walls and as I start looking closer I can see how it started three days after I got back home from Israel and then escalated around her next ovulation.

   As I realize this I remove and block her, the best friend and the MF from all social media.

   Two days later, as I open one of the chat apps to delete my account, I see I have received a message from her saying ”I'm sorry I've hurt u so bad I see u are doing better hope u are happy but just so u know I'm not going to take pills and destroy my life more I know u must hate me now I understand just wanted to say my deep sorry for how things happened.”.

I try to move on with my life. I’m starting to work out at the gym again and going out to clubs. She, and what happened in Israel, are slowly becoming distant memories but I still can’t stop thinking about her as a puzzle I can’t solve.

   One day I look at her Instagram I find a photo of her exbf laying in a little inflatable pool in her new house. By now I just find it funny, as she’s posting love songs with the new guy around this time.

Therapy continues, I still think about her everyday. Trying to understand what happened. As well as sorting out my feelings.

[Fluff]

I'm starting to wonder if maybe she's an altruistic NPD. This stuff is so complicated! :D

I've thought about if before, but it's starting to make more sense to me now.

First off, she's the most generous, caring person I've met. Constantly busy helping others, giving her belongings away, giving compliments, posting help-the-animals-pictures on Facebook or picture of her with closed eyes and great empathy kissing a wounded dog. She's really getting her self-worth from being seen as an angel. I used to say she had the angel-syndrome. A martyr. A sacrifice. At one point, after realizing she sacrificed herself for anyone, I thought ___ it, I'll be her sacrifice. Haha, I even told her "I want to be your sacrifice".

Secondly, she was very proud of her skills in bed. I find it weird that even though we had such an immense bond of "love", she never made love to me. She was ___ing mechanically like a porn star, never kissed during the act. Actually she wasn't contactable during the act. Eyes closed. Gone. If I said something to her it was like I woke her up from dreaming.

Thirdly, she was seen as some sort of mom by everyone else, taking care of everyone, mature, in control. Very much in control. I saw this mom figure, as well as a child. It's like I saw two images at once. I can't explain it.

Fourthly, her father might had left her as a child, but he still spoiled her like a princess. Paying everything for her, calling her daily, talking to each other with baby voices.

Fifthly, she was always trying to make me into a victim. Poor little me. I didn't agree. And she prayed on depressed people that needed her. Many of her male friends where depressed, lost and she cared for them. They needed her. It was the same with the cousin in the hospital. She loved how much the love she gave him meant to him. In the end he fell in love with her. To myself I thought, if you really want to help him, teach him how to fish, don't make him dependent on you giving him your fish.



Ouff, why do I care. Why can't I let this go. I hope today when I open the mail-box there's a letter from a psychologist saying the have evaluated her and that she has all the PD's beyond any doubt, and that I can go on and listen to the advice in this forum... .

[camuse]

I find it weird that even though we had such an immense bond of "love", she never made love to me. She was ___ing mechanically like a porn star, never kissed during the act. Actually she wasn't contactable during the act. Eyes closed. Gone. If I said something to her it was like I woke her up from dreaming.

Hi Fluff!

I read your story, what an experience. I found this line very interesting - mine was EXACTLY the same - the first time we slept together she complained about kissing, and it never happened again. In fact we never ever kissed properly until we broke up. She said she didn't like it, but it was ok after we were no longer together.

As for sex, just the same as you - no eye contact, no kissing, and wouldn't hear anything I said. She preferred to face away from me. I wonder what she was thinking

Please keep posting, your story is long but I read it, and hope you are recovering   

[Fluff]

Hi Camuse!

I can't believe you read it all. Thank you!

What do you think? Does it look like BPD? Do you have any gut feeling of what happened? Maybe it's too thick with drama to draw conclusions? That's my problem with this... .it's so much. So muddy.

[freedom33]

Dude this is BPD! Wow! I can't believe this story! So interesting... .If I was a director I 'd definetely would want to film this.

I also agree with Camuse on the mechanical sex aspect. Although she was looking at me but as a means to control me. Kissing was strange. Definetely intimacy wasnt there. It wasn't love it was sex. Except maybe one or two times during the honeymoon stage that she somehow changed her behaviour (almost as if she let herself be/free) and it felt as if I was having sex with a 13 year old. Maybe that's where she is mentally arrested.

[freedom33]

I have to say I admire your courage and patience to go through all this! It beats me how you managed to get through all of this. First of all there is so much real drama in a sureal way! It is a fascinating story.

Also weren't you jealous? There were so many red flags? Didn't you notice what was happening e.g with the cheating? Amazing... .

[Fluff]

Freedom, so you're saying she was cheating? I'm still not sure! 

I was of course afraid that I was being played, but her display of love was too strong and authentic for a player. You just can't fake it that good. I assumed that because her love was real, the cheating was not. Not knowing a disorder could have someone do both.

Also, I was very much delusional. I was stuck in our Indian experience, in our Disney romance, together with her! The things she then did was like glitches, painful short interruptions of the movie that didn't belong there.

[freedom33]

Well it depends on what one considers cheating I suppose. It could also mean someone being overly intimate, bordering on the sexual with another man, spooing them as you described, the ex encounters, MF etc. You know better the details but in what you are describing there are many  .

At any rate, I didn't quite get where you were getting at with the ovulation then? I thought you were implying that she was trying to get herself pregnant those days by spending time with these other men... .did you mean something else?

[Fluff]

A couple of weeks before I wrote this down I made a timeline of everything to try to get some perspective. It was interesting. It was much shorter time in between all events than I had expected. I guess if a lot of things happen it feels like a longer time.

Anyway, since she came out of her period when I visited the first time and she entered her period when I was there the second time I was able to map out on the timeline when she had been ovulating. The ovulation phase being the phase where women are the most sexual. Interestingly it matched really well with the events where I had been afraid she might had cheated. I've beaten myself up for not paying attention to it and visit her at the right times. But that would had been impossible.

[freedom33]

I've beaten myself up for not paying attention to it and visit her at the right times. But that would had been impossible.

Aside not being your fault - doing this is not only impossible but also fruitless. What is the point? If one had to go to such great lenghts to maintain what is expected as a given in rs (i.e. fidelity) then one may as well walk out.

On my side, I don't have concrete evidence that I was cheated (and perhaps less   than yours) but I consider it as quite possible. Particularly in betweem the break-ups that we had. Once when we got back together I asked her about it and 'she said no but considering the way I treated her, she should have... .'

How long was the whole thing for you?

[Fluff]

I guess you rarely get too be sure about it. Somehow you have to draw the line anyway. It's such a tough balance since you don't want to be paranoid either and end relationships over nothing! Or maybe that depends on what's at stake, and we over-value what's at stake.

she said no but considering the way I treated her, she should have... .

What was your reaction when she said that?

The evening where she was committed on killing herself I asked her if she had been with someone else and she was feeling guilt over this. She said no, but I didn't dare look her in the eyes... .

[Fluff]

About 8 months. August 2013 to May 2014.

[freedom33]

I didn't react to it. I gave up arguing with her, questioning or even reasoning with her complaining after a few months. Those arguments ended up in a circle like driving in roundabout for hours. 8 months is a healthy time to break it off. I feel bad for some of the guys in the staying forum that have sacrificed decades of their lives.

[winston72]

Hey, Fluff... .quite a story.  Thank you for sharing it all with us. 

At the end of your initial posts you wrote, "Ouff, why do I care. Why can't I let this go. I hope today when I open the mail-box there's a letter from a psychologist saying the have evaluated her and that she has all the PD's beyond any doubt, and that I can go on and listen to the advice in this forum... ."

It does not matter if she is diagnosed or not.  You have experienced behaviors that are so very similar to others on this site.  We can gain insight from listening to the stories of others and, of course, from telling our own stories.  The drivers for those behaviors can be a mystery, even if one is diagnosed.  The impact of those behaviors on us is not much of a mystery!   Although I must say that the reasons any of us are drawn to these relationships can be quite befuddling.  Hmmm... .maybe not befuddling, just really hard to examine and accept!

Regardless of any diagnosis for her, that was a tumultuous, destructive, abusive relationship for you.  Quite awful.  A parade of red flags... .pretty much non-stop, especially after your India trip. 

How are you doing now?  How is therapy progressing for you?  Any insights?

[ajr5679]

wow, love the story. we give so much to these people because of how they made us feel. then they use us up and take as much as they can from us. then we are put in the closet until they decide they want to play again with us . you are so lucky u never moved in with her.

[Fluff]

Hey, Fluff... .quite a story.  Thank you for sharing it all with us. 

At the end of your initial posts you wrote, "Ouff, why do I care. Why can't I let this go. I hope today when I open the mail-box there's a letter from a psychologist saying the have evaluated her and that she has all the PD's beyond any doubt, and that I can go on and listen to the advice in this forum... ."

It does not matter if she is diagnosed or not.  You have experienced behaviors that are so very similar to others on this site.  We can gain insight from listening to the stories of others and, of course, from telling our own stories.  The drivers for those behaviors can be a mystery, even if one is diagnosed.  The impact of those behaviors on us is not much of a mystery!   Although I must say that the reasons any of us are drawn to these relationships can be quite befuddling.  Hmmm... .maybe not befuddling, just really hard to examine and accept!

Regardless of any diagnosis for her, that was a tumultuous, destructive, abusive relationship for you.  Quite awful.  A parade of red flags... .pretty much non-stop, especially after your India trip. 

How are you doing now?  How is therapy progressing for you?  Any insights?

Hi Winston. I had a tab open for a long time where I worked on a response... .but I didn't get anywhere with it. I still don't have a good answer, but therapy is amazing. I'm so happy this stuff got me there, finally. We're talking a lot about my upbringing and social difficulties I have. It's so good. I long for every session and I feel so good after them.

[Fluff]

If anyone read this, I have this last thing haunting me that I think a lot about. I'm wondering if any of you could help me end it.

A couple of weeks after I went NC I blocked her on all social media after understanding 100% she was now with my replacement. A few days later I suddenly get a text from her, which I never replied to.

June 27, 2014 05:11

I'm sorry I've hurt u so bad I see u are doing better hope u are happy but just so u know I'm not going to take pills and destroy my life more I know u must hate me now I understand just wanted to say my deep sorry for how things happend.

I can't stop trying to understand what this was. What she meant and what her motivation was.

1. It was sent really early in the morning on a day she doesn't work. I wonder if she had been up all night, was at a party or ... you know... what was going on when she wrote this?

2. "I see u are doing better". I hadn't posted anything on facebook indicating I'd be doing better... .

3. The pills referred to me not wanting her to use benzo and ssri during our relationship. Did she want my validation for this?

4. "destroy my life more"? In what way had she destroyed her life? By doing what she did to me? By dumping her ex for me? Want my sympathy?

5. "for how things happend"? Well, that's kind of an apology. Whats your agenda?

[Pieter2]

Hey Fluff

Wow, can't tell you how similar this is to mine. And, on the kissing thing, exactly the same. She loved it until we were together. Then we never kissed and she said she doesn't like kissing. Sex - Totally mechanical. Felt like a human vibrator.

[Pieter2]

If anyone read this, I have this last thing haunting me that I think a lot about. I'm wondering if any of you could help me end it.

A couple of weeks after I went NC I blocked her on all social media after understanding 100% she was now with my replacement. A few days later I suddenly get a text from her, which I never replied to.

June 27, 2014 05:11

I'm sorry I've hurt u so bad I see u are doing better hope u are happy but just so u know I'm not going to take pills and destroy my life more I know u must hate me now I understand just wanted to say my deep sorry for how things happend.

I can't stop trying to understand what this was. What she meant and what her motivation was.

1. It was sent really early in the morning on a day she doesn't work. I wonder if she had been up all night, was at a party or ... you know... what was going on when she wrote this?

2. "I see u are doing better". I hadn't posted anything on facebook indicating I'd be doing better... .

3. The pills referred to me not wanting her to use benzo and ssri during our relationship. Did she want my validation for this?

4. "destroy my life more"? In what way had she destroyed her life? By doing what she did to me? By dumping her ex for me? Want my sympathy?

5. "for how things happend"? Well, that's kind of an apology. Whats your agenda?

Fluff,

This is just manipulation - Mine tried that same cr@p on me and I didn't respond. It is just to get a reaction from you and to charm you back in. Don't take it seriously and try and interpret it the way you did. It is all manipulation and that's all.

[Blimblam]

You went nc on her so this kind of thing means they didn't win. She has a wierd desire to be abandoned so she can try to win you back. 

She is clearly extremely mixed up so she may be mixing various projections together into the message with you. Also she may have distorted her memories of what actually happened so she can cope with the guilt.

I agree with what has been said it is manipulation and the distorted truths may be gas lighting and a form of bait for you to ask what it means.

I'm sorry you went through all this and sorry for her as well.

Your story sounds very intense and like a nightmare. I can relate to my ex having a lot of guy friends and all of them seeming to be in love with her. Her relation to male family members was odd too.

As you can see what happens to the guys that get too close to your ex and her friend they attempt suicide.

Each time contact occurs you get a hit of your addiction and the FOG comes raging back along with ruminations.

Remember ITS NOT PERSONAL.

Even this message from her is not personal she just misses her emotional long distance tampon that you were. They long for the love that can not be.

[Fluff]

Thank you guys. I needed to hear this was manipulation.

I'm afraid she has some twisted plan for us. Early in the relationship she said she would end up as a crazy person stalking me. A little bit later she said we would meet much later, when we have our own separate families.

I don't know. I wonder if I should translate the message as:

I'm happy I have the power to hurt u so bad I see u are trying to break free but just so u know I'm [validation-hook] I know u must [sympathy-hook] just wanted to [blame the world].

[Fluff]

£#¤@&! Since I'm not allowed to stalk her FB I checked out her Instagram... .   ... and I accidentally liked one of her photos. I unliked it but she will still receive a notification. God d***it.

[Pieter2]

Don't stress - Just read some of the stories on here and you'll see how many people ended with years wasted on disputes and failed marriages, children born etc. You came out just fine. From here on just don't respond to her and don't allow yourself to be manipulated.

[antjs]

i will do an exception here for my posts and say SHE HAS BPD ! i never answer with this line as i am not a professional therapist. but she is a text book case. not even the doubt of npd or hpd. she is BPD. your story really reminds me of mine. i have been here for 9 months and believe it or not every time i read a new story i get an electric feeling in my gut because of the similarities. "i am not whole without you" "you are perfect" "you are the gift that god has sent to me" etc etc.

I am sorry for what you have been going through. your uBPDexgf nearly cheated on you with everyone in this story. sorry i am not giving her the benefit of the doubt cause this story hits home. please be sure that you have done more than enough and you can do nothing more. nothing would ever help her except for therapy with a very strong will originating from within her. her life is miserable but she is also exaggerating it for attention and more supply. your ex is also a low functioning BPD (also just like mine). her supply turnover and recycles frequency are so fast. a lot here have their exs for years with high functionality (still not a good thing but just better relatively). consider yourself lucky to last short with her as i did. money spent for travelling to her is well spent. time "wasted" with her is well spent time that will benefit you and your wisdom and maturity in the future. please run away and never go back. you will go through guilt and self doubt but that is all part of the trauma bonding. read about it. you are in the FOG. have a strong will until the FOG goes away. never look back. reclaim your life. seek professional help to resolve your unresolved issues from your family of origin that in the first place has put you in this situation. it hurts like the worst thing that you are going to feel in your life but you are going to have a better life later with lots of wisdom and self preservation. love yourself. nobody deserves to go through what you have been through emotionally even a criminal. love her, hate her, demonize her, empathize with her it does not matter. what all matters is that one day (it might take long be patient and kind to yourself) you are going to be indifferent about her. crazy huh ? trust me you get there. you dont feel that you have the ability to get there but you will with a will composed of iron and steel. the golden key here is no contact and professional therapy. she reminds me of my ex a lot with her family and country issues. she is BPD. you will doubt and try to rationalize and excuse her in the story that you are going to repeat again and again and again but self doubt will torture you more and make you feel more guilt when in reality she is just using people around to soothe her without thinking or empathizing about their emotions. yes i can understand that the lion is a creature and needs to eat to survive but i am never approaching a lion saying "oh poor you are hungry."

[freedom33]

Even this message from her is not personal she just misses her emotional long distance tampon that you were.