Did your BPD partner like startling / scaring you.

[RisingSun]

This might be a funny question but one I felt I needed to ask.

I want to see if this could possibly be a PD trait.

My BPD/NPD stbxw loved to startle / scare me.

It got to the point where I couldn't take a shower without being afraid of her reaching in and poking me.

As well, she would slap my ass when I wasn't expecting it (hard), poke or tickle me when I was relaxing, play as though she was going to bit me,

jump on top of me right before I was about to fall asleep, the list goes on and on.

It got out of hand. She would get upset if I tried to create boundaries around it. She'd say I was no fun and that I needed to relax.

Relax! That's what I was tying to do before you shocked my system! I've got no issues with horse playing but this was over the top.

Anyone else experience anything like this? 

[elessar]

Hmmm, not to invalidate your question, because I too wonder about each action... .but I also think that every human has certain traits and characteristics shared by many other people. It has certainly been a challenge to know exactly what is a trait of a PD, and what is just normal human nature.

This to me seems more of an annoying habit of your ex than a PD behavior. I have had cousins and friends do this and it is annoying! So I think its just something part of your ex's nature.

[Popcorn71]

I agree that it could be simple annoying behaviour.  However, usually if a person is told that you find it annoying, they will make an effort to stop so as not to annoy you.

My xBPDh used to grab my breasts and bum whenever he felt like it.  I told him I didn't like it but he still did it and took offence, accusing me of being unreasonable when I got annoyed about it.  He thought he had every right to do exactly what he wanted when he wanted, regardless of it upsetting me.

I think it may be something to do with pushing boundaries and trying to assert control.

[Bak86]

Hmmm, not to invalidate your question, because I too wonder about each action... .but I also think that every human has certain traits and characteristics shared by many other people. It has certainly been a challenge to know exactly what is a trait of a PD, and what is just normal human nature.

This to me seems more of an annoying habit of your ex than a PD behavior. I have had cousins and friends do this and it is annoying! So I think its just something part of your ex's nature.

This

[Pingo]

I agree that it could be simple annoying behaviour.  However, usually if a person is told that you find it annoying, they will make an effort to stop so as not to annoy you.

My xBPDh used to grab my breasts and bum whenever he felt like it.  I told him I didn't like it but he still did it and took offence, accusing me of being unreasonable when I got annoyed about it.  He thought he had every right to do exactly what he wanted when he wanted, regardless of it upsetting me.

I think it may be something to do with pushing boundaries and trying to assert control.

Mine would grab my breasts as well or tickle me (which I despise) even though I let him know over and over how much I didn't like it.  I think it was about control even though he always pretended he was just 'playing' around.  It was beyond just annoying behaviour.  It was like he was trying to keep me on my toes.  Let me know just who 'owned' my body (hint: not me).  My nerves were so frayed that I still jump at loud noises and it takes me a long time to settle down again.

[KrisK7]

Mine would hit me playfully (we're both strong athletes so it more often than not, hurt) and after a while I started to flinch anytime she'd move fast around me. She'd look over her shoulder real fast or raise her hand to make me flinch and would laugh and laugh and laugh. As things started to get worse, after she really did hit me out of malicious intent, she started to complain about how I would flinch. Said it "gave other people the wrong impression" and "made her feel bad". YEAH. I BET IT DID.

[MommaBear]

I agree that it could be simple annoying behaviour.  However, usually if a person is told that you find it annoying, they will make an effort to stop so as not to annoy you.

My xBPDh used to grab my breasts and bum whenever he felt like it.  I told him I didn't like it but he still did it and took offence, accusing me of being unreasonable when I got annoyed about it.  He thought he had every right to do exactly what he wanted when he wanted, regardless of it upsetting me.

I think it may be something to do with pushing boundaries and trying to assert control.

Mine would grab my breasts as well or tickle me (which I despise) even though I let him know over and over how much I didn't like it.  I think it was about control even though he always pretended he was just 'playing' around.  It was beyond just annoying behaviour.  It was like he was trying to keep me on my toes.  Let me know just who 'owned' my body (hint: not me).  My nerves were so frayed that I still jump at loud noises and it takes me a long time to settle down again.

I totally agree with the idea that it's about control and pushing boundaries.

Mine wouldn't let me have downtime. Not so much scaring me, but just never letting me relax. It's almost as if being in a peaceful, restorative state is too much for them to handle, and they just need constant validation of any and every kind.

[Cocoon]

[... .] My BPD/NPD stbxw loved to startle / scare me.  [... .]

It got out of hand. She would get upset if I tried to create boundaries around it. She'd say I was no fun and that I needed to relax.

Relax! That's what I was tying to do before you shocked my system! I've got no issues with horse playing but this was over the top.

Anyone else experience anything like this? 

Disclaimer - I'm going through a fresh breakup, with NC of 2 days, with my ex boyfriend, whom I strongly suspect has BPD, yet is undiagnosed (a close friend shared his diagnosis of BPD recently, and I saw the similarities in their behavior).


To your question - YES! We had words a few times over this. He would hide sometimes in my kitchen behind an appliance, and as I walked in, he'd jump up and scare me, then laugh hard... .after the third time he did this, I told him that he could take his {unemployed, homeless} butt somewhere else, or respect my repeated, 'stop it, this triggers abuse issues for me, I feel unsafe, do not repeat this'  requests... .

When I would cry over his very harmful words, it almost seemed to feed his anger. Very confusing for me! And yes black and white back and forth. We'd argue for 8+ hours sometimes, me, trying to explain yet again (today, and yesterday, and most days) how normal people give and take, actions and words are different, abusive yelling is not okay... .

Exhausting stuff man. I am enjoying the peace and quiet tonight. And thank you for posting this. My mind keeps clicking while I'm reading this forum, while you all share your experience too. 

[Popcorn71]

  I think it was about control even though he always pretended he was just 'playing' around.  It was beyond just annoying behaviour.  It was like he was trying to keep me on my toes.  Let me know just who 'owned' my body (hint: not me). 

Yes I totally agree with this.

[elessar]

I agree. People who do this usually lack boundaries and respect for the other person. Bullies are just like that too. Most people stop as they grow older. Few don't because they never respect boundaries. And if a pwBPD doesn't respect boundaries either, they will not listen and not stop.

[enlighten me]

Id like to put my spin on it.

Yes there does seem to be a lot of boundary issues but have you thought how child like the behaviour is?

It reminds me of a child attention seeking. The jumping out and suprising you is something my children used to do.

The play fighting seems to be more about contact than annoying you and that is why asking them to stop will feel like your rejecting them.

I also think that the reactions to flinching is about control. They are exerting power over you like a playground bully.

[Pingo]

Id like to put my spin on it.

Yes there does seem to be a lot of boundary issues but have you thought how child like the behaviour is?

It reminds me of a child attention seeking. The jumping out and suprising you is something my children used to do.

The play fighting seems to be more about contact than annoying you and that is why asking them to stop will feel like your rejecting them.

I also think that the reactions to flinching is about control. They are exerting power over you like a playground bully.

All true.  I used to always tell him I was not his brother, I was his wife!  Stop play fighting like I was his brother!

[Fluff]

If pretending to break-up or pretending to be about to commit suicide counts, then yes!

[enlighten me]

If pretending to break-up or pretending to be about to commit suicide counts, then yes!

What can be more childlike thanidle threats and attention seeking?

[letmeout]

My ex would do these things too and when I would tell him to quit, he would tell me to lighten up as he was only kidding around.

My abuse counselor said when they say they are just joking or kidding around after being repeatedly told to stop, that they are not joking or kidding around but being purposely abusive. 

[Serenitytoo]

WOW - I thought I was over reacting. I would say ... .Living with you is like living with my Brother. Totally infuriating! I was made to feel like I couldn't take a joke! Sometimes it was really not the right time, like trying to talk on the phone (Which I ended up having a contract mobile because he always complained about using the land line and would time me and get me to hurry up and end the conversation... he would say that it cost money). He would mess around while I was cooking, making me jump just as I was taking something out of the oven. He would pick up a stick while we would be on a walk and swish it so hard that it made that whipping sound, making it just miss me or my daughter. It was this behaviour which made it so hard to enjoy something enjoyable. I kept thinking, maybe I am making a fuss... .he says hes only joking... .perhaps it is just funny to him. But more than anything, I wish he would stop. He would tickle my daughter til it hurt and then feel rejected and hurt himself when we complained. CHILDISH BEHAVIOUR... .I thought people grew out of that. If someone asked me to stop, I would respect that when I knew they were serious. I would not want to continue to hurt their feelings. It was if he really could not understand that concept and really couldn't see what the fuss was about. I am still trying to make sense of our relationship. Its things like this that confuse me. Is it affection or control?

[Loveofhislife]

Not sure if this makes sense, but since they are somewhat living "through" us; I think annoying us and getting a reaction makes them feel more alive. Does that make any sense? It's as if they can "hear" their voice when they are upsetting us and getting a reaction. Often, they don't like the "reaction" they get. My exbfBPD knew I was afraid of elevators; with my daughter and me in a hotel elevator; all 6' 3" of him started jumping up and down until he jammed and stopped the elevator on the way down. I was furious and all but had a panic attack. When he saw the terror in my face, he laughed. Later he would say the look on my face was horrifying for him. So I think any attention and any feeling is better for them than their terminal emptiness.

[Serenitytoo]

So I think any attention and any feeling is better for them than their terminal emptiness.

That is so sad  :'( I am shedding tears to think that he may feel like that and I could never take that away for him. Why is it that despite everything... .i am still very much grieving for that very vulnerability that I think may have been the attraction for me in the first place? What you said made sense, but I also feel that he really doesn't understand why we have broken up. That makes me feel even more like the bad guy and wish I could just start over and make a better relationship. Perhaps if I had been more assertive, tried not to please so much, not get scared of conflict and of him leaving me, maybe we could have had more of an equal footing?

[enlighten me]

So I think any attention and any feeling is better for them than their terminal emptiness.

That is so sad  :'( I am shedding tears to think that he may feel like that and I could never take that away for him. Why is it that despite everything... .i am still very much grieving for that very vulnerability that I think may have been the attraction for me in the first place? What you said made sense, but I also feel that he really doesn't understand why we have broken up. That makes me feel even more like the bad guy and wish I could just start over and make a better relationship. Perhaps if I had been more assertive, tried not to please so much, not get scared of conflict and of him leaving me, maybe we could have had more of an equal footing?

You have to stop thinking that if you had been different then it may have worked. Even if you could live the relationship like it was the film groundhog day and try different things I doubt you would ever get to a point where the relationship worked.

I once asked my exgf what she wanted me to do when she was having a go at me. She stopped and looked confused and said "I don't know". If your dealing with someone who doesn't actually know what they want or why theyre feeling like they are then how can you cater to their needs.

[RisingSun]

That is so sad  :'( I am shedding tears to think that he may feel like that and I could never take that away for him. Why is it that despite everything... .i am still very much grieving for that very vulnerability that I think may have been the attraction for me in the first place? What you said made sense, but I also feel that he really doesn't understand why we have broken up. That makes me feel even more like the bad guy and wish I could just start over and make a better relationship. Perhaps if I had been more assertive, tried not to please so much, not get scared of conflict and of him leaving me, maybe we could have had more of an equal footing?

I feel your pain. I too, at an earlier point in our split, would wonder if I could have done anything different in our relationship that would have made it "work".

It's called bargaining in the 5 stages of grief.

Please don't waste your emotional energy on this fantasy. You did all you could to make it work. It wouldn't have been much different regardless of your actions.

With your every effort they will find new ways to sabotage your desire to create peace, affection and security in the relationship.

One of the only useful reasons I find to look back on our relationship is so I can move forward as a healthier person. There are such better people out there.

There's no reason we should settle for less. It's not our job to correct people's mental disorders. Leave that for a therapist.

You seem like such a caring person. Turn that care inward and heal. You can then find someone who can and will reciprocate your love and care.

[RisingSun]

I think she unconsciously used these tactics to keep me on edge and as a constant boundary softener. It also felt like a way she could express her ownership and control over me.

At the end of our 11 year relationship she mentioned reasons we were never a good match. One of the examples she used to justify her stance was that I didn't like the way she was "playful". I enjoy playfulness, when it wasn’t at my expense.

There were many ways she would physically disregard my boundaries and disguise it as affection. It may have been affection to her but this “affection” would leave me feeling like my personal space was violated and left me on edge.

If I protested and tried to enforce my physical boundaries she would get offended. How dare I not allow her to objectify me. I now realize

objectification can come in many forms.   

The play fighting seems to be more about contact than annoying you and that is why asking them to stop will feel like your rejecting them.

You're on to something here. I did feel like it was about her need for contact a lot of the time. I just wish she could have been more respectful with how she

went about satisfying her need for contact. It seemed like it was a safer form of contact for her though. There was distance created within the form

this contact. This form of contact could have felt safer for her as it was a subtle push/pull dynamic. She knew I wasn't going to accept this form of contact without

a reaction of pulling back from her.

   

[Visitor]

I don't have BPD yet I routinely enjoy making my flat mate jump.

My favourite and most effective way is to just be standing there when she turns round. She was playing music while cooking once so go the opportunity to get all the way into the kitchen and stand behind her. So childish 

She takes it as a joke but I think doing it too much to people isn't very nice.

I would quite happily start a full scale "jumping war" with somebody if they started to do it too much though. If I asked them to stop and they said "oh you're no fun" then bring it on baby   

[Visitor]

While we are on the topic of pranks does anybody find the pwBPD takes practical jokes VERY badly.

A couple of mine (not scaring) triggered the rage!

[Bak86]

One thing that annoyed me was that she tried to poke me constantly when we were watching a movie on the couch.

[enlighten me]

While we are on the topic of pranks does anybody find the pwBPD takes practical jokes VERY badly.

A couple of mine (not scaring) triggered the rage!

Not just practical jokes. Anything that's aimed at them my exgf took great exception to. You couldn't make fun of her in any way. You couldn't point out if she had a funny accident. Yet if I tripped up it was perfectly fine for her to laugh at me. It was also fine for her to make fun of me.

At the time I didn't understand these double standards but I do now.

[Katniss]

Hi Rising Sun

Yes, my husband used to scare me and I found it rather odd. So I think your question is reasonable. He also used to come very silently behind me to scare me, which really made me think. It seems to me that they do it because they take pleasure in someone else being afraid. After all BPD often develops as a result of some form of trauma. I noticed that my son did it too (scared his friend) when the situation got particularly tense in our house and he seemed under stress.

Katniss

[Pingo]

So I think any attention and any feeling is better for them than their terminal emptiness.

That is so sad  :'( I am shedding tears to think that he may feel like that and I could never take that away for him. Why is it that despite everything... .i am still very much grieving for that very vulnerability that I think may have been the attraction for me in the first place? What you said made sense, but I also feel that he really doesn't understand why we have broken up. That makes me feel even more like the bad guy and wish I could just start over and make a better relationship. Perhaps if I had been more assertive, tried not to please so much, not get scared of conflict and of him leaving me, maybe we could have had more of an equal footing?

I have also gone through this stage of bargaining (and still go there from time to time but it's getting less) and the one thing that helped me is realising that it was wrong to think I should carry all the responsibility of the r/s.  That wasn't healthy for me or for him and the burden took it's toll on my health, mental and physical.  I wondered if I could have done more, been a better, more patient partner, less reactive.  But in truth this is just asking me to be perfect (which no one can be, we are humans after all and all have our own FOO issues to deal with) and it takes the responsibility off of him and the fact that he was so unhealthy and unable to change.  Now I believe that if he cared about me the way he said he did he would see the ending of our r/s as a signal to get the help he needs to be healthier. But that wasn't the case, he instead just replaced me.  So I am putting my energy now in my own healing from my FOO issues and wounded child and allowing him to be responsible for his own healing (which he is).  This stage will pass, just keep taking good care of yourself and believe that you did all you could.  You deserve to be in a r/s with someone who takes half the responsibility.  We all do.

[Pingo]

Another thought... .My ex used to play fight with me rough and I used to think it was his way of being physically aggressive with me (in a way getting to be abusive) but in an 'acceptable manor'.  He was beat as a child and swore he'd never lay a hand on his kids or a partner but I think this was his way of actually acting out some of that without being called an abuser.  He'd pin me down and make it clear that he was far stronger than me and it made me feel intimidated knowing if it was a 'real' abusive incident I was helpless to get away from him.  If I'd call him on any of this he'd deny it and apologise if he hurt me but it didn't stop it from happening again.  Funny, I've been married before, been in lots of other r/ss (all nons as far as I know) and no one has ever play fought with me or tickled me or tormented me like he did.

[Serenitytoo]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice... .He play fought with his SD15 and disguised it as a joke when in fact he was hurting her and refused to stop when she asked. It was hard to tell if my Daughter was dramatising it, or in fact he was going too far... .I believed my daughter when she could take everything no more and took an overdose. I feel so ashamed that I didn't act sooner, but when I questioned him, he would deny or minimise it.

[Loveofhislife]

Overly simplistic way to explain boundaries, but NO MEANS NO. In my r/a with exbfBPD, "no" was a wall to knock down. "No" was just a jumping off point to rehash arguments that had been hashed to death. PwBPD do not like NO!