Issue regarding ex BPD... Need some advice please

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Hi 

Haven´t been posting here for some months. I will not explain much from the past because it will take a lot of time. I broke up with my ex BPD in March/April 2013 and NC for almost 10 months now. About the same time she met a guy and is now expecting a child with him in forthcoming weeks. I have spent a lot of energy and got a lot help for me recovering from this trauma that this RS did to me. I´m still affected and having some trouble regarding RS with women nowadays. In the big picture, i´m doing better 

Financially she left me quite bad. I had loaned her quite a sum of money for her debts (at the time she didn´t tell me about them, until we bought an apartment together).

Now she is with a guy who is financially well of, she rented her apartment and doing well off i´ve heard. They just bought a big house together (well i guess he did)... .poor guy.

Now my question is this... .should I claim the money. I have spoken to a lawyer and I can send her a claim for that money. I would really need it.

My therapist sees it as a risky move. Any contact with her could disrupt my wellbeing, but the decision is mine to make I guess... .let me mention the guy she was with before me did the same thing and she paid him the money back... .

any thoughts about this ? (sorry for my english... .scandinavian here )

[tomjon78]

Hi 

Haven´t been posting here for some months. I will not explain much from the past because it will take a lot of time. I broke up with my ex BPD in March/April 2013 and NC for almost 10 months now. About the same time she met a guy and is now expecting a child with him in forthcoming weeks. I have spent a lot of energy and got a lot help for me recovering from this trauma that this RS did to me. I´m still affected and having some trouble regarding RS with women nowadays. In the big picture, i´m doing better 

Financially she left me quite bad. I had loaned her quite a sum of money for her debts (at the time she didn´t tell me about them, until we bought an apartment together).

Now she is with a guy who is financially well of, she rented her apartment and doing well off i´ve heard. They just bought a big house together (well i guess he did)... .poor guy.

Now my question is this... .should I claim the money. I have spoken to a lawyer and I can send her a claim for that money. I would really need it.

My therapist sees it as a risky move. Any contact with her could disrupt my wellbeing, but the decision is mine to make I guess... .let me mention the guy she was with before me did the same thing and she paid him the money back... .

any thoughts about this ? (sorry for my english... .scandinavian here )

[freedom33]

Hi Tom,

Wow. Sounds like a rough story. I am glad you are doing better.

How much money are we talking about? Do you need it? Do you have to get in touch with her or could it all be done through your lawyer?

[tomjon78]

Hi Tom,

Wow. Sounds like a rough story. I am glad you are doing better.

How much money are we talking about? Do you need it? Do you have to get in touch with her or could it all be done through your lawyer?

Well it should be all done through a lawyer. But i´m pretty sure she will contact me. The amount is around 10.000 dollars at minimum which I could claim. I lost around 20.000 dollars while being with her.

It´s quite disturbing knowing they just bought a 500.000 dollar house.

[Panda39]

HI Tomjon78,

I don't want to sound harsh but my question is why do you want to do this?  Do you really need the money that badly? or do you miss the drama?

I think I'm with the Therapist on this one, let sleeping dogs lie. (if you can financially)

[tomjon78]

HI Tomjon78,

I don't want to sound harsh but my question is why do you want to do this?  Do you really need the money that badly? or do you miss the drama?

I think I'm with the Therapist on this one, let sleeping dogs lie. (if you can financially)

Well, the money would surely help. I´m quitting my job and going to masters degree study and this amount of money would surely help. Also it´s a matter of justice and closure for me. I just find it really unfair how she "got away with this". I am truly over her. I really don´t wan´t drama. I´m even scared of her re-action if I should do this. She has spread lies about me and of course it would be ideal for her to use her situation, having this child to showcase how cruel I would be doing this at this moment.

[willy45]

I doubt you will see your money... .Sorry man.

Is your mental health worth less than $10,000?

[Lights843]

You'll spend a good chunk of that on lawyer fees. I was lucky to get out of my marriage "free of charge" and didn't give my ex another cent. Unfortunately, I needed a lawyer to be able to counsel me and file all necessary paperwork so I essentially lost some money. The gift of never having to interact with her ever again is priceless. My advice is to cut your losses.

Be sure you're not wanting to do this for revenge instead of money.

[tomjon78]

I have been thinking about this today. I was thinking about calling her and asking her if she would have some morality  and be willing to pay me. But in the whole, I think I will not contact her. I won´t risk some psycho drama again from her behalf.

I can tell it truly hurts me that she looks so "happy" now. So easy to move on. But I know it´s the BPD nature. They can´t be alone. I´m still having some issues from the RS. Depression and anxiety have been issues I´ve been struggling with since this turmoil ended. But I live an easy and scheduled life nowadays.

I sure would like to meet someone and find some feelings. Since our breakup I´ve been on some dates and had some sexual relationships but not really feeling anything. I´m still kind of numb towards dating, love and all that.

Anyhow... .show must go on

[Pingo]

I can relate to your situation Tomjon, I am in almost the exact position with almost the exact same amount of money.  My ex was pushing for a separation agreement (I believe to get out of owing me anything) and when I said that it would have to be fair and he pay me for some of the debt he is leaving me with I never heard another word about it!

I could take him to court as our laws here in Canada say that assets AND debt must be split when divorcing but I also believe the $10,000 isn't worth the cost of my mental health.  My daughter & a friend disagree as they hate to see me left with that burden but they don't really know what I'm going through.  They don't realise that this isn't a normal break up with a normal person.  I'm also a little afraid of what he'll do if I take him to court, the emotional toll it would take.