I am done

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Why in the world did I let someone abuse me for over two years? How did I not see it for what it was? The events of the last few days have really opened my eyes.

I recently made a vow to myself that no matter what, I would not let my wife's crazy and abusive behavior make me do and say things I would regret. I vowed to conduct myself in an honorable way. I am very proud to say that I kept that vow this past week. It was not easy. But because of it, I can clearly see that her behavior has nothing to do with me. I do not cause it. I can not fix it. And I am not going to subject myself to her abuse any more.

Last week she was stressed out because her parents were coming to visit. I know all too well that her stress turns into very bad things for me. And it did. At first she yelled at me for being mean to her. When I asked what I had done, she couldn't come up with anything. But that didn't stop her behavior from escalating. She came to the garden where I was picking produce, grabbed the basket from my hands, screamed that I was being mean, and threw everything all over the ground. I kept calm (on the outside anyway) and started picking it up. She came back a few minutes later and repeated the process. She screamed. She called me names. She threw the produce on the ground again. I took a deep breath and walked away. Later she demanded that I give her my lunch, which she then threw to the ground. I took a deep breath and walked away. That evening she grabbed my arms, digging her fingers into me, then grabbed me by the hair and pulled hard and shook my head. I said she was being abusive and told her to stop, and she responded with an accusation that I beat her up. (I have never laid a hand on her, but she has knocked me to the floor on more than one occasion.) I took a deep breath and calmed myself. Then she pushed her arm against a drill that was sitting on a shelf nearby and said that I was attacking her with the drill. I asked if she really believed I was attacking her - my hands were by my sides and I was a few steps away. She insisted that I was drilling it into her arm.

She is seriously ill. Or is she? She will immediately become sane if someone knocks on the door in these moments. At this point, I don't really care what it is.

To top it all off, she sent an email asking me if I was in a place where I could admit my wrongdoing. It ended with this:

":)espite it all, I love you dearly."

Wow. Isn't that big of her?

I AM DONE.

[shikai]

Why in the world did I let someone abuse me for over two years? How did I not see it for what it was? The events of the last few days have really opened my eyes.

I recently made a vow to myself that no matter what, I would not let my wife's crazy and abusive behavior make me do and say things I would regret. I vowed to conduct myself in an honorable way. I am very proud to say that I kept that vow this past week. It was not easy. But because of it, I can clearly see that her behavior has nothing to do with me. I do not cause it. I can not fix it. And I am not going to subject myself to her abuse any more.

Last week she was stressed out because her parents were coming to visit. I know all too well that her stress turns into very bad things for me. And it did. At first she yelled at me for being mean to her. When I asked what I had done, she couldn't come up with anything. But that didn't stop her behavior from escalating. She came to the garden where I was picking produce, grabbed the basket from my hands, screamed that I was being mean, and threw everything all over the ground. I kept calm (on the outside anyway) and started picking it up. She came back a few minutes later and repeated the process. She screamed. She called me names. She threw the produce on the ground again. I took a deep breath and walked away. Later she demanded that I give her my lunch, which she then threw to the ground. I took a deep breath and walked away. That evening she grabbed my arms, digging her fingers into me, then grabbed me by the hair and pulled hard and shook my head. I said she was being abusive and told her to stop, and she responded with an accusation that I beat her up. (I have never laid a hand on her, but she has knocked me to the floor on more than one occasion.) I took a deep breath and calmed myself. Then she pushed her arm against a drill that was sitting on a shelf nearby and said that I was attacking her with the drill. I asked if she really believed I was attacking her - my hands were by my sides and I was a few steps away. She insisted that I was drilling it into her arm.

She is seriously ill. Or is she? She will immediately become sane if someone knocks on the door in these moments. At this point, I don't really care what it is.

To top it all off, she sent an email asking me if I was in a place where I could admit my wrongdoing. It ended with this:

":)espite it all, I love you dearly."

Wow. Isn't that big of her?

I AM DONE.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Welcome to the other side from the twilight zone, it's much better here in reality land. Sorry you have been abused, hope you feel better.

[KateCat]

Shikai,

A number of our male members on this forum have gone straight from frightening situations like the one you have described here . . . to a false accusation to police . . . to a jail cell for a night or two. And from there, to a long and costly struggle to regain their lives and reputations.

I can almost hear some of these men now saying, ":)o not be alone with her again."

However, you can hear it from these guys themselves if you post about this incident and this history over on the Separating and Divorcing (aka "Legal" portion of this forum.

You may have just dodged a bullet. 

[Hopeless777]

Trust me, I left for just those reasons. I knew she would throw herself down the stairs and call the police. She was arrested a year ago after attacking me. Of course I stupidly got her off and then recycled three times before I started getting really scared about getting locked up falsely. The only advice I can give is the advice I took: RUN and NEVER be alone with her. I'll take this life of pain and heartache over a jail cell.

[gtrhr]

Shikai,  It's great you recognize how serious the situation is and how her issues really have nothing to do with you.  What are your next steps?  It seems very unsafe for you for the reasons others have mentioned.

[shikai]

Thank you for your responses. I haven't decided what my next step is. I'm not so good at strategy. She's a pro. And she knows pretty much every move I make. She's probably going to find this post. (Hi honey!) She snoops through my things, tracks my internet use, looks at absolutely everything I put into the trash can. There's nothing for her to find because I have nothing to hide. Oh, but she guards her things like a hawk! She puts tiny hairs over things so that she'll know if anyone messes with them. She stacks papers and other things in intricate ways so that she will know if they have been moved in the slightest way. I'm not a strategist. I'm not a fighter. I just want to get through this nightmare without turning into someone like her. That's really my biggest fear - that I'll turn into a sadist like her. 

[BuildingFromScratch]

She sounds quite dangerous. I've dealt with a lot, but nothing like that. Try to find a way to get away from her soon, that stuff is insane and will drive you insane too. Good luck.

[KateCat]

I haven't decided what my next step is.

Uh oh.

The title of this thread is "I am done." But now you are not sounding so sure. (That would be common, by the way. But dangerous.)

[StayOrLeave15]

Please get away from her.  She wants you to react and do something to hurt her physically so that it validates the horrible ways she feels about herself. 

She is not a bad person, but she is mentally ill.  pwBPD feel that no one could ever love them so she is trying to carry out actions that will prove to her that you are a bad person and thus could never actually love her.  That is the way her disorder makes her feel about herself.  I feel terrible for pwBPD and cannot even imagine what a day in their shoes is like.  However, that does not mean that you have to put up with this abusive behavior and spend your life living in fear.

After breaking up with me my uBPDxgf threatened to go to the police on me with false accusations unless I paid her off.  That was the last straw that finally allowed me to cut her off completely.  Thankfully she has not gone to the authorities and since then she has harassed me (literally hundreds of calls, texts, and emails over the past two weeks).  My attorney says this behavior would really discredit her if she tried to report me.  If I abused her why would she be trying so hard to contact me when I want nothing to do with her.  The police would likely see that she was making up the story because I refused to answer all of her attempts to contact me.  That being said, I would likely be brought in for questioning, possibly spend a night in jail, and have a hefty fee paid to my attorney. 

Moral of the story?  Make the decision to be done and stick with it! I hate to say it, but chances are she will likely not get better but rather worse, and you deserve a better life than that.

[Hamakua]

She is seriously ill. Or is she?

Take a deep breath, step back, and read the paragraph you wrote back to yourself while holding this question in your head.   Right now you are in a FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), those three things are clouding your judgement and preventing you from putting your own health, needs and freedom (in this case) before someone else's temper tantrum.   You are fighting very hard to make sense using logic about an irrational event and set of moods from someone you love.  Believe me, you can go a long way to driving yourself mad on that alone.

I've been similarly where you are and you need to listen very carefully.  1.  Get a lawyer.   Whenever anyone threatens to lie about you breaking the law which could imprison you, stop everything and get a lawyer asap.   Tell him/her what you told us and ask for advice and follow it.

BPD's are irrational and impulsive in their wants and desires, if they have you "painted black" there is no length they won't go to to "punish" you because they aren't logically thinking if you deserve it or not.

---

A woman threatened to send you to jail for beating her up.   If she were to call the police tomorrow with a black eye and in tears, who do you think they will believe?  -Call a lawyer asap and figure out how to unwind yourself from this current mess.  You keeping calm made her madder because she wanted to see you "hurt" to validate her own importance and/or sate her desire for revenge (even though you did nothing wrong).