Getting pretty low

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am trying my best to stay strong. It's now been over three months no contact

 

I have her blocked on my phone so I have no idea if she's tried to reach out with the exception when my dog died. She texted me and facebooked my mom. I really would love to check in with her. The sad truth is that as miserable as I was and as abusive as she was I still

Miss her and would want to be with her.

I still play with the fantasy of us getting back Together. Trust me I know it's sick. On the flip side I have the haunting thoughts of her changing for the best and being an amazing happy and healthy gf for her new bf. but I know that's just a little bit of desperation and insanity. We both know the chances of her actually being in a healthy relationship. In fact, if she was she would have never reached out regardless of my dog dying.

I am staying strong but she is still in my thoughts every day. I still feel like she is winning and I'm losing. She happy and I'm far from it. It's a very terrible feeling.

I'm just not in a great place. And I can't help but feel like she made the right choice by leaving me. That she left a loser for someone whose more in control, more successful. And because of that she is being a better person and partner

[zenwexler]

I am trying my best to stay strong. It's now been over three months no contact

 

I have her blocked on my phone so I have no idea if she's tried to reach out with the exception when my dog died. She texted me and facebooked my mom. I really would love to check in with her. The sad truth is that as miserable as I was and as abusive as she was I still

Miss her and would want to be with her.

I still play with the fantasy of us getting back Together. Trust me I know it's sick. On the flip side I have the haunting thoughts of her changing for the best and being an amazing happy and healthy gf for her new bf. but I know that's just a little bit of desperation and insanity. We both know the chances of her actually being in a healthy relationship. In fact, if she was she would have never reached out regardless of my dog dying.

I am staying strong but she is still in my thoughts every day. I still feel like she is winning and I'm losing. She happy and I'm far from it. It's a very terrible feeling.

I'm just not in a great place. And I can't help but feel like she made the right choice by leaving me. That she left a loser for someone whose more in control, more successful. And because of that she is being a better person and partner

[Jimmy84]

Hey zen, I know how you fell  Only going on 1 month, but i get the same way sometimes.

But hang in there, don't fool yourself, you are better off without her. Like they say "you are better off on your own then in bad company". And someday, after all this, when you are stronger and better, after such a hardship, you will be with someone that treats you right and that deserves you (funny has I’m telling this to you and it also applies to me ).

So hang in there, live life, you are not a loser. 

[BuildingFromScratch]

You wouldn't call the other people here losers, don't do it to yourself. Also, you are better off without her, even Jesus couldn't make it in a relationship with a Borderline.

[Hopeless777]

You wouldn't call the other people here losers, don't do it to yourself. Also, you are better off without her, even Jesus couldn't make it in a relationship with a Borderline.

What a great line! And yes, we're not losers. We just gave our love unconditionally to the wrong person. That realization for me is pretty tough since we were married for 27+ years, 20 of which were tumultuous, and the last 2 were pure hell. No matter what, we need to persevere and engage in Radical Acceptance of our tragedy.

[drummerboy]

I think that the turning point is when you start thinking less of her and start thinking about why you were so attracted to a person like this. It's often wounded inner child stuff and once you start working on that this whole mess becomes about making yourself a much better person. We've been over for nearly 6 months, the pain is still in me but I'm getting better, and am becoming a much better person that I was before, so in that respect, the relationship with a BPD was a positive although often it is very hard to see it as a positive. You can get better and go onto relationships that are healthy, BPD's usually live in torment for their entire lives. You are the lucky one!

[zenwexler]

I just feel like a broken record. I write the same posts over and over again. Like how msny times  do I need to hear everyone say that she'll never change and that she'll always be abusive and that she's not happy with her bf

[freedom33]

That she left a loser for someone whose more in control, more successful.

I know how you feel. I used to feel this way too during our last two break-ups and devalue myself in this way. But the truth my friend is that people wo are in control would actually be in control and avoid such a damaged person. Controlled and succesful people don't want all this chaos, abuse and drama in their lifes.

... .And because of that she is being a better person and partner

That is hardly the case and you know it. A person can't change another person. Even therapy can't cure this condition, at best manage it somewho. My ex was 10 years in therapy and still was very difficult being in a relationship with me or anyone really. Unfortunately people like our ex'es actually are cursed with this condition and it doesn't go away as simply as we may want to naively believe.

[enlighten me]

Hi Zenwexler

I understand what you mean by writing the same thing gain and again. I did it through talking. Same thing over and over and watched peoples eye roll when I started. It gets to a point though that you get bored of hearing yourself talk about it. This is good. That means your ready to move on.

You will have had some good advice and the NC and move on is one of the best bits. The fact that you have heard it a thousand times doesn't make it any easier to carry out.

I have been in two uBPD relationships. One for 14 years and another for 2 1/2. I have children with both my exs so NC doesn't work.

My ex wife married in July and 3 days after the wedding was emailing me asking for relationship advice. Of course it was all her husbands fault etc etc. I even spent time with my ex wife during the holidays as I had our boys and she wanted to see them. I can honestly say there where no feeling for her whatsoever. This is 4 years after she dumped me, recycled me then dumped me again. At the time I had never felt pain like it. I lost about 3 stone and was a complete wreck.

Now that I have split from my exgf (my first love from the age of 17 and who I compared all future women to) I am finding it a lot easier to deal with.

The mistakes I made the first time around was giving her the benefit of the doubt and doubting myself. This time around I have not made the same mistakes. Anything that I think she may have done I accept that she has. This stops any nasty surprises coming out and knocking you down (it still hurts when they do but not as much). If later on these prove to be wrong and she didn't do it then no harm done.

Secondly I stopped doubting myself. I am a good person not the one that she made me think I was. I am strong enough to get by on my own. I am capable. I do deserve to be happy. I think you get the idea.

Yes it still hurts but Im 3 months down the line, sleeping like a baby, happy, always smiling and not getting sucked into believing her view of the world.

Good luck and stay strong.

[Take2]

I just feel like a broken record. I write the same posts over and over again. Like how msny times  do I need to hear everyone say that she'll never change and that she'll always be abusive and that she's not happy with her bf

Hey Zenwexler... .  believe me, I just commented to my friend today (who I met on here!) that it seems like I have been saying the exact same thing on here over and over... .  3 months really isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things (although to be fair, it's way way way longer than I've ever gone with my ex who is a coworker).  Be proud of yourself for being so strong.  You are not a loser.  And she did not suddenly become healthy.  It will take her the rest of her life to try to become healthy - a constant life long effort... . 

At times it feels to me that it will be a constant life long effort for ME to become healthy again... .  maybe it is for all of us... .  one step at a time... .   

[Mutt]

I still play with the fantasy of us getting back Together. Trust me I know it's sick. On the flip side I have the haunting thoughts of her changing for the best and being an amazing happy and healthy gf for her new bf. but I know that's just a little bit of desperation and insanity.

I won't tell you what you already know. You have been in NC for 3 months. If you look on the sidebar ---------->

Attachment leads to suffering. Detachment leads to freedom. Work on your pain during NC and heal. There are big life lessons to be learned in a borderline r/s. What was the initial attraction to her? An emotional crisis? FOO issues?

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling and you miss her. It's tough.

Hang in there.

- Mutt