Did any of you tell your current/ex partner you thought they had BPD?

[Visitor]

I was just wondering what kind of response you got back after telling them you felt they had BPD?

Did they accept it?

Did they say they already knew?

Did they reject the idea?

Did they get angry or stay calm about it? <--- Im almost laughing as I typed that one 

I would be VERY interested to know?

Thank you

[camuse]

No way. Shed have projected it onto me. She actually told me her P told her she did not have a PD but who knows if that was true and the P was just a mate anyway.

[elessar]

My ex knew she had issues. She thought she had schizophrenia or bipolar. I didn't know anything about psychology at that time. She begged me to take her for therapy, but never went. Eventually I came across BPD. She completely accepted it when I showed it to her and she took online diagnostic tests. It even made her go for 4 sessions of counseling. The woman she saw was a terrible counselor. My ex totally had her fooled till we went on a couples counseling on the 4th session. Once I exposed my side to the therapist, my ex's lies broke down. After that she kept blaming me for calling her a PD person when there is nothing wrong with her. That her issues only happen because of stress.

Point was - at that session she realized her problems arose from her abusive family. And she had to cut off them to start getting better. Instead, I became the villain who called her a PD.

I have known her since high school. When we became very close in college, she has always said she needed help. So she knows something is wrong. But since this flawed counseling, she turned 180 degrees. Since then she is just running from person to person where she will feel "less stressed". Most importantly, she is once again trying to bend over backwards to please parents so that they will accept her and it will reduce her "stress".

[elessar]

She actually told me her P told her she did not have a PD.

This is what she told me after her first therapy session. Only when I went on the 4th session did that useless therapist realize the mistake she made in telling my ex on the first session that "nothing is wrong with you."

[blissful_camper]

I was just wondering what kind of response you got back after telling them you felt they had BPD?

Did they accept it?

Did they say they already knew?

Did they reject the idea?

Did they get angry or stay calm about it? <--- Im almost laughing as I typed that one 

I would be VERY interested to know?

Thank you

Interesting question.  My ex knew something wasn't right, and was frustrated not having answers.  I encouraged him to seek therapy.  (He claimed he was in therapy, but I later discovered it was a lie)

During an 'I don't understand why I do this' moment, I shared information with him about BPD, and NPD.  He said that the descriptions for both PD's "sounded" like him.  

Yes, he accepted it but it wasn't an 'aha' moment.  

I suspect that he had a diagnosis years ago, but he didn't share the diagnosis with me. As a child, he was diagnosed with ADD.

As the r/s came to an end, and I encouraged him to seek help, he rejected the idea in conversations with me -- yes.  (He had no reason to discuss it with me any further because I was stepping out of the relationship)

During the relationship, he was calm about it.  (When I shared PD information with him)

As the r/s came to an end (I was devalued by then) he became angry when I brought up the possibility of a PD.  

Thirteen months out, I realize that I was trying desperately to find solutions.  I was trying to make it work somehow.  And since he had expressed an interest in finding solutions, I thought he would have a 'light bulb' moment.  I think he accepted it momentarily, but then quickly went into denial about it.  The next step was to set out to prove to himself that his issues were garden variety. He found a replacement who was temporarily cooperative and would 'prove' that to him.  

In the end, sharing that information with him served no purpose.  It wasn't healthy for me, and it wasn't healthy for him.  It wasn't my place to share that information with him.  

[Bak86]

My last message when we had our last fight(4 weeks ago) was: "have fun with your borderline life"

She said i was not taking her serious.

Painted me black for 4 weeks. She's starting to paint me white again.

[Vexed]

Yes.

She is 50/50 on the idea, knows she has issues but isn't convinced it's BPD.  I try to only bring up the topic when she is in a stable frame of mind, but since explaining to her that she has BPD she will often get upset when I use the term "borderline" and will never agree in the moment that what she is experiencing has anything to do with a disorder, borderline or otherwise.  She is also open to therapy, has gone in the past, but is far from motivated to help herself.  The fact I have been open with her on what I think goes through her head and that she is semi accepting maybe due the fact that I was her pseudo therapist for 10 years before she got divorced and seduced me  :'(.

[freedom33]

After a few months in the relationship I started losing my mind so I started researching in the internet and found out about BPD. She had almost all the traits (except suicide). One day I told her 'I know what is going on here'. She said what? I said 'I know what is going on with you and all these episodes'... .It's BPD I said. She seemed shocked. Didn't say a word. Then she would bring this up for months with a sense of entitlement i.e. how could I believe something like this about her, etc, etc and was trying to force me to take it back. I didn't... .

The funny thing? She was almost decade in therapy and was also graduating as therapist herself. But she never acknowledged it to me. Although I am sure she knew herself the true of her condition. When we first started dating she was giving me all the hints herself e.g. she told me once that she can be a bit like a chameleon. I didnt quite undertand the repercusions of what that meant back then. Better luck next time.

[sirius]

told her she got BPD and told her to look it up herself, she called my P and told him that he is not doing a good job on me and I was the one that is insane  

[Skip]

I was just wondering what kind of response you got back after telling them you felt they had BPD?

If you end a relationship with - you're mentally ill - its not going to go down well.  Interjecting this when there is trouble in the relationship is also not going to go well.

Telling someone they have BPD is a huge risk - even her therapist might say you're wrong or out of bounds and leave you hanging out.

If you're asking in the context of resurrecting the relationship, I'd post this on a board where they have more experience with this - Staying.  This takes a lot of savvy and patience.

[Vexed]

Oh somehow I forgot to add in the part where she did some research on BPD and picked up some new bad habits through her research, which she would then say "Well i'm borderline and this is what borderlines do". 

[hergestridge]

I was just wondering what kind of response you got back after telling them you felt they had BPD?

Did they accept it?

Did they say they already knew?

Did they reject the idea?

Did they get angry or stay calm about it? <--- Im almost laughing as I typed that one 

I would be VERY interested to know?

Thank you

I told her I thought she had BPD and she did all those things you mention.

The problem as usual was not knowing what the heck was going on in her head.

[Waifed]

I had never heard of BPD but knew something was terribly wrong with her behavior and actions.  I chalked a lot of it up to immaturity.  I had begun to read articles on Charming, etc. and was trying to share them with her.  I still didn't attribute it to BPD because she was a waif and didn't seem to fit some of the raging criteria, etc.  She would not read them.  I finally ended the relationship because I could no longer handle the emotional and mental abuse.  She continued to text me every other day like clockwork and I would kindly respond with one or two words.  I saw a psych 2 weeks after I left the relationship and he suggested that she had very strong BPD traits.  I sent her a text stating that she may be BPD and offered to pay for therapy for her.  The next morning I  received an email from her saying I was harassing her, she was changing her phone number and email address, and she was contacting an attorney.  I responded that I would no longer contact her and I hadn't initiated contact in over 2 weeks prior.  Three hours later I received a phone call from the police.  She was at the police station.  He asked me to never contact her OR HER FRIENDS again.  I said no problem and a year later I've had no contact with her.  I am glad she did this because it made it so much easier for me to go no contact and move on with my life.  I finally got off the merry-go-round.

[Tiepje3]

My uBPDstbxh keeps saying he's been tested in the past (he's now 58 and I suspect he was tested when he was 20something) and it was 'agitated depression' and I shouldn't read (nor believe) everything that's on the internet or come up with Dr. Phil-knowledge. I'm not a therapist! Nothing's wrong with him, other than having to cut out the things that agitate him. According to him it's work, health issues and the fact that I started smoking again.

Since he claims he's been tested in the past (what test methods were they using back then?) nothing can be wrong with him. Actually... .it is me, 'provoking' him or knowing how to 'push his buttons'.

[walksoftly]

I realized three months into my divorce that she probably had BPD. I did in fact let her know that she should enroll in dbt and she replied that I was the one who had BPD. She is bulimic, has poor impulse control but the clincher is within her past. Her mother hated her and her father left her at an early age. Whe she did see her father he would physically abuse her.

She left me for a man who is going through his third messy divorce , is 11 years older than her and is obese. He absolutely adores her and cant believe she is interested in him. Hmmmm.

Someone who has BPD will also have traces of NPD so telling them they have a mental disorder wont go over very well. Also, she is entering into menopause, still bulimic and restricts her eating? Shes a walking nightmare.

[Take2]

Yes, I told mine a couple times last year when things were very, very bad.  As Skip said, not an ideal time to tell someone they are mentally ill - especially not when they are off the charts angry.  His reaction?  of course to tell me I'm the crazy one.  Many times over after that.  A few months ago, at the height of a particularly bad phase he was going through, when his tone and his laugh were truly some psycho crazy person, I found myself responding very calmly and toward the end of the conversation told him that if I ever wants it, I will help him get help.  He didn't freak out.  We ended the conversation.  And then the crazy-psycho-bad phase was done.  For that cycle.  But no, he never sought help... .I haven't brought it up again... . 

[Dutched]

Yes, I did about a 4 yrs before she ended the 30+yrs.

A little explanation for the perspective.

Outbursts became intense, blaming towards me (the cause of all evil), so couples therapy.

Sessions were abruptly stopped at the moment she had to face/tell her emotional world.

So she started individual therapy in order to “understand herself”.

No effect, in fact the T stopped as the T could and wouldn’t continue. Ex her “issues” were to heavy as T said.

In the meanwhile I more or less completed my puzzle, internet, books AND with help of my diaries over years and years.

Anyway, because T stopped, the family doctor was consulted. Ex was very strongly advised to see a psychiatrist.

She refused, “there is nothing wrong with me”, no… of course not.

We talked in which I explained and “compared” her behaviour (also of what she did in her youth when she left in an outburst her parents) with Cluster B, special (without mentioning the word yet) Borderline,  High Functioning 

She was more or less open and very thoughtful about past happenings (my diaries), so very calm.

At the moment the Vesuvius became alive (in the meanwhile I already tried to apply techniques I learned) I addressed (by comparing) her “issues”.  Vesuvius went back to sleep…

Anyway, within she knew, she googled like hell so to speak. Seemed to have it discussed with the family docter, who told her (as she said), I couldn’t be BPD as a BPD never have long lasting relationships.

So she found out “the word”, wanted a second opinion (for what it is worth by a family doctor) and was very relieved it couldn’t be BPD.

I didn’t agree, resulted in a huge quarrel and I urged her to see that psychiatrist for herself, the kids and our future.  She refused!

Now after more that 3.5 yrs since she left, there is still nothing wrong with her…

[camuse]

i do wonder what would have happened if i had explain to her that she had various issues such as drug abuse bulimia anxiety depression and that these things must have originated from some sort of early trauma . she was an intelligent person so surely she would have had to have agreed. do they know what the trauma was? Maybe I missed a chance to help her. She accepted she was terrified of abandonment. Maybe a lightbulb would have come on and she would have realised what caused it all. Maybe im being ridiculous.

[Tibbles]

I did but it didn't go well. I'd just discovered BPD and was researching madly. I mentioned I'd come across it and said it might provide some answers - he was always after answers and solutions to our issues. He had a look - read about the more extreme behaviours, said its a full blown mental illness and ridiculed me for suggesting it. I didn't argue and point out he was at the high functioning end of the spectrum. I lust left it. He doesn't have the perfect life he always thought he would have once I was gone.  I'm hoping in future years he just might revisit and take on board some of the info and make his life a bit better for himself.

[camuse]

I guess I still have ego issues of my own

Right before the end, my exuBPD said to me "If you love someone, everything works out." (She meant, if you love me you'll do whatever I say).

Then she said "I'm just terrified of you abandoning me." Given that she ticked pretty much every other BPD box, I suppose I find it hard to see how she couldn't have agreed if I'd explained it. She's a bright woman. I imgaine saying something like, "Look, you are terrified of abandonment, have very unstable emotions which you have accepted and sought help for, a history of very unstable relationships, are impulsive and self harm, and all these things are hallmarks of this illness BPD. These issues obviously have a cause, and in fact a childhood trauma has caused these issues."

At this point I imagine her saying "Oh gosh, you are right - that must be what is wrong with me! Thanks so much, I will get help and sort it out!"

I suppose in reality she would simply have denied and projected instead, but it's tough to understand how an intelligent woman could deny something staring her full in the face.

[Skip]

I suppose in reality she would simply have denied and projected instead, but it's tough to understand how an intelligent woman could deny something staring her full in the face.

Stigma.

When you say, "You have BPD" it sounds like "you are a monster".  It's the ultimate shaming.  Its doesn't say, you made a mistake - it says you are a mistake.

Stigma is a bad thing and the words BPD are loaded with monster talk and Internet lore.

None of us would have welcomed this advice in the end either.  

Anyone here told they were mentally ill?  How did you take it?  You dismissed it, right?  

Some of us are/were.  NPD traits, depressed, addicted, codependent. At the time of breakup or fighting did you think - wow this person cares for me and is helping me?  Or did yo think, this person is blaming all the relationship dysfunction on me and telling me my future relationships will be just a bleak.

We have an interesting book in the library called "I am Not Sick, I don't need help." Dr. Amador does a great job of explaining what it takes to get someone into therapy.

www.bpdresources.net/peer_book_reviews/xavier_amador.htm

[camuse]

Thank you Skip I shall take a look.

[Skip]

Thank you Skip I shall take a look.

I was directing my comments to everyone, BTW.  You are certainly not a lone in your thoughts.

[Take2]

The couple times I did bring it up with my ex, I actually did say to him "look, I know I have issues as well, I display a couple characteristics, I'm very codependent, that's why I'm in therapy.  We could support one another in an attempt to heal and grow."   Still had no affect other than to confirm in his eyes that I am the one with a problem.  

That said... . I still have received a couple very vague comments from him suggesting that he knows there could be a problem... . like the night last month that he mistakenly shot a bullet thru his couch... . he'd come over to my house in a fit of rage.  He left and went home without coming in.  He apparently was practicing his moves - he competes in shooting matches (handgun) and thought the gun was unloaded.  Shooting his couch (a very expensive couch) jolted him back to reality.  Briefly.  The next day Dr. Jekyll was fully back and seemed stunned by his rage the day before.  And his failure to notice a loaded gun.  He is HUGE into guns.  He is also normally very, very safe about them.  That next day he made a comment about how that had never happened to him before except one time when he went thru his "hard time".  I asked what he meant, because he'd never told me about some "hard time".  He glossed over it and just said back when he was having a hard time looking for a job after college.  There was clearly more to this "hard time".  I didn't push it.  Just let it drop.

But it was a moment for me to realize that at least he can very briefly realize his head is in a different place that can shock even himself... .   I wish that could translate to getting help... .  although I suppose for all I know, and I thought I knew everything about him, maybe he DID get help after or during that "hard time".  

He's always known buzz words as if he's read up on BPD... .who knows... .

[hergestridge]

My xwife had no problem aknowledging the fact that she had a mental illness. I know she did some research on herself on possible diagnosis and BPD had become a sensitive subject. Not from the point of view of "stigma" (I think that aspect is overplayed, I don't know anyone outside of helth professional circles who is even know what a borderline is), but propably because it made too much sense and that a diagnosis would mean "game is up". She chose to identify with a borderline diagnosis and  recurring depressions/generalised anxiety.

Sometimes she would say that she knew and had slowly started to accept that she had BPD, but a few weeks later she had no idea what I was talking about.

She had a childhood friend who she despised, who never "grew up" and who was obviously mentally ill (lived on retirement at age 27), and that was the only "borderline" she knew.

Honestly, I think people with BPD have much better lives outside of relationships.