uBPDh and borderline anger?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Yes I think they do. My udxBPDh of less than one year started to be physically violent during the first few months of marriage. We only dated for 6 months and I saw his anger, but he was never physically violent at that point. I am currently 6 months pregnant and he again hit me this morning. It was great for a month until I got upset about him saying that my kids were a huge problem for us. That's when he totally disregulated, claiming I had a bad attitude and a host of other things.

[November_Rain]

Yes I think they do. My udxBPDh of less than one year started to be physically violent during the first few months of marriage. We only dated for 6 months and I saw his anger, but he was never physically violent at that point. I am currently 6 months pregnant and he again hit me this morning. It was great for a month until I got upset about him saying that my kids were a huge problem for us. That's when he totally disregulated, claiming I had a bad attitude and a host of other things.

[November_Rain]

Thank you , Mutt, for the info. He is currently in anger management classes, which do not seem to be helping at all. We are also currently involved in an investigation with Family Services (he is military) for recent abuse. On one occasion he was physical and I called the police. I declined to press charges but they forwarded it on to my husband's command who then became involved. I refused to participate for fear he would get kicked out so we are waiting for them to have a meeting to decide if they think abuse happened or not and what treatment they recommend.  I really thought he would get better and I believed him when he said he wouldn't hit me again. I was wrong to trust that he was able to control it. So now I just don't know where to go from here. I have 2 older children from my first marriage who see what is going on. My son gets very defensive of me and I'm worried the 2 of them will have a physical altercation. I am also worried for my unborn child. Not only does he hit me, he kicks and is violent with his dog that he has had since she was 4 weeks old and I know that he loves so much. Does the anger and rage get better if they don't get treatment? He thinks the problem is all me... Thanks for any advice.

[Mutt]

November_Rain,

I'm so sorry for the difficult situation you and your family is in  

Are you OK right now? I sent you information 

[Pingo]

Thank you , Mutt, for the info. He is currently in anger management classes, which do not seem to be helping at all. We are also currently involved in an investigation with Family Services (he is military) for recent abuse. On one occasion he was physical and I called the police. I declined to press charges but they forwarded it on to my husband's command who then became involved. I refused to participate for fear he would get kicked out so we are waiting for them to have a meeting to decide if they think abuse happened or not and what treatment they recommend.  I really thought he would get better and I believed him when he said he wouldn't hit me again. I was wrong to trust that he was able to control it. So now I just don't know where to go from here. I have 2 older children from my first marriage who see what is going on. My son gets very defensive of me and I'm worried the 2 of them will have a physical altercation. I am also worried for my unborn child. Not only does he hit me, he kicks and is violent with his dog that he has had since she was 4 weeks old and I know that he loves so much. Does the anger and rage get better if they don't get treatment? He thinks the problem is all me... Thanks for any advice.

November Rain, I hope you get the support you need, no one should have to live in that kind of fear.  I'm so sorry for your pain. 

[Take2]

  November rain... .  it sounds like you are in a difficult and potentially dangerous position.  Do you have any family or friends you could stay with?  From the reading I've done on abusive men (I too have experienced intense fears of my ex becoming physically violent) there's little guarantee they will improve even if they are IN therapy.  That's as it relates to abuse,  mental illness or not. 

An excellent book to read is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.   Lundy counsels abusive men.  It's incredibly helpful and eye opening to read his insight. 

I truly wish you the best... .

[November_Rain]

Thank you. I am just praying about what to do. I have a baby on the way, no place to live, and my job of 10 years may have to let me go when I leave for maternity... .so a lot of unknowns there. Prayers are very much appreciated.

[Turkish]

Thank you. I am just praying about what to do. I have a baby on the way, no place to live, and my job of 10 years may have to let me go when I leave for maternity... .so a lot of unknowns there. Prayers are very much appreciated.

Hello November_Rain, you can access your message box by clicking on the PVT MESSAGES on the green tab below the Ambassadors list at the top of the page.

How are you doing today? Him assaulting you, especially while you are pregnant is very concerning. That means he also assaulted your baby. You're in your last trimester, and you'll need more care and delicate handling. Just the emotional stress of what you are dealing with can be hard on your baby. Do you have any family members or friends you can reach out to for support?

[Mutt]

My prayers are with you and the baby November_Rain.

[letmeout]

Not only does he hit me, he kicks and is violent with his dog that he has had since she was 4 weeks old and I know that he loves so much. Does the anger and rage get better if they don't get treatment? He thinks the problem is all me... Thanks for any advice.

I am so sorry you are in that situation, please contact your nearest Women's Abuse Shelter where you can go and stay with your children for your protection.

My ex dearly loved his dog too, but yet he shot the poor thing 5 times and killed it in a fit of rage.

Sometimes mentally ill people can not control their rage, even with those that they love.

The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your loved ones from their actions.

Wishing you a safe outcome and please keep us posted.

[walksoftly]

The short answer is YES.

My ex wife, in the very beginning of our relationship would throw glasses at me, destroy my awards and physically assault me.

Near the end of the relationship she would be so angry she would hit me in front of my seven year old child. This of course was always my fault and she would state that I wasnt man enough for her and that is why she hit me. She stated that she never hit a man liked she hit me. She also hit my 17 year old daughter and her own daughter as well.

[November_Rain]

Mutt,

It looks as though my comment was deleted... .Yes, I did receive your info and thank you. I called today to the Fleet Support Services and they have issued another MPO (military protective order) banning contact with my husband. He immediately called me when he found out and cussed at me and denied even hitting me. He thinks I dream this stuff up. I got smart though and took a pic of the huge whelp he left on me. I don't understand why he has no remorse and even denies doing these things, even though I am carrying his child who he could possibly hurt.

[November_Rain]

Sorry, my message did not get erased, I just had to go to the next page   I do not have the private message under the tab you are talking about. Around a month ago my husband took my computer as I was on a board and hid it for a few days. I was worried he had access to my acct so I contacted admin and they shut my acct down for about 10 days. I had to change my user name and since I have been allowed back on I noticed the pvt msg feature is now missing.

At least now that I have an MPO, he won't be allowed to contact me for 30 days. I pray this helps him to cool down and reflect on what he's done and how he could hurt our child, but I think he is so deep in denial I'm not sure. His parents are a big problem for us. when I first contacted them a few months ago to tell his mother that he had choked me, she said I had trust issues and did not believe me. Then they came to visit us in our home for a month, which was horrible. They all ganged up on me and said I was a liar. He even busted our bathroom door open while they were there and I know they heard it, but they turn a blind eye. It got so bad his parents made me leave for a few days. I had to beg to go back home. They think he is perfect and can do no wrong. I had started to believe he gets this from his mother as she seems very emotionally unstable herself.

[letmeout]

His parents are very aware of your husband's issues, as well as your husband. They are gas lighting you about everything while trying to keep their family dysfunction a dirty little secret.

I hate to tell you that he is never going to cool down, oh yes, he might try to manipulate everyone into thinking he is under control, but these nightmares only escalate.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but I have heard this story so many times from other abused women at the shelter were I get counseling. It never ends well if you don't get away from him.  Find a way out.

[Mutt]

I pray this helps him to cool down and reflect on what he's done and how he could hurt our child, but I think he is so deep in denial I'm not sure.

If he is borderline and isn't diagnosed and committed to therapy he's not going to get better. It's going to get worse. Borderline personality disorder is a very serious mental illness. I agree when you say denial. He is looking for someone to parent him. He will blame and project his actions and behaviors on others and he's not dealing with his trauma.

It's hard to say if he is going to cool down after the MPO is over. He may idealize for a short period of time. You know him better than anyone on this board. On the other hand he could be resentful and devalue and act out again. I provided you with phone numbers to call and they will be able to assist with matters of his physical abuse. What is your support system like with family and friends? The military is investigating him and served a MPO? Are they supporting you?

His parents are a big problem for us. when I first contacted them a few months ago to tell his mother that he had choked me, she said I had trust issues and did not believe me. Then they came to visit us in our home for a month, which was horrible. They all ganged up on me and said I was a liar. He even busted our bathroom door open while they were there and I know they heard it, but they turn a blind eye. It got so bad his parents made me leave for a few days. I had to beg to go back home. They think he is perfect and can do no wrong. I had started to believe he gets this from his mother as she seems very emotionally unstable herself.

Water seeks it's own level.

Blood is thicker than water.

I'm sorry to hear about the horrible treatment his family is giving you as well. His mother may very well be mentally il as well. There's emotional abuse that you are the recipient of from them as well. They are ganging up on you and they are trying to deny you of your reality and truth as you see it. It's toxic behavior and they are enablers. They are enabling their son with his toxicity and emotionally, physically abusive behavior as well. His family will side with him - it's dysfunctional behavior. This must be very scary and frustrating for you. There is hope November_Rain.

He broke up with you after the MPO? Are you undecided? This is a place where you can share your feelings without judgement about you. We're here to support you and seek help from trained professionals if you choose to leave. You are in a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you and your baby   I'll provide links, feel free to look at them.

Do you know how to clear your browsing history on your computer so that he doesn't find out?

TOOLS: Responding to domestic violence [women]

www.ndvh.org/

[letmeout]

Water seeks it's own level.

Blood is thicker than water.

Thanks for the reminder Mutt; I have read that one before but had forgotten about it.

[November_Rain]

Thank you for all of your prayers and concerns. Mutt, the first MPO last less than a month ago and lasted 10 days. It was iniated  by Fleet and Family on the base after they received the police report. I called the police after him pushing me and I locked myself in a bedroom and was scared because the last time he busted the door down and I thought he was going to do it again. The police came and did nothing so I left for a few days. I only came back for financial reasons. He did not break up with me. I came back saying that I was sorry. We decided to work things out and a week later I got a call saying that they were issuing an MPO. I didn't even know the police would forward it to them and child services. He said he wasn't upset with me because I did not ask for the MPO. This time I did so I don't know what his reaction will be because I did ask for it. It ends on Friday so I'm sure I'll have hell to pay. Thankfully my kids will be with their dad for the weekend. He is in total denial that he hit me. He said that I hit myself to cause the bruise. Yes, I do believe his mother is also mentally ill. Our marriage counselor has read the email his mom sent to my friend about me and she said it sounds like his family is in a cult and she has some major issues. Why do they deny the abuse when they know what  they've done? Also starting a new thread on denial of abuse if anyone wants to comment there.

[Mutt]

He said that I hit myself to cause the bruise.

You can attach traits to the behavior. Dissociation and projection. Dissociation is altering reality to counter your out of place feelings. Projection is attributing a negative action or feeling to someone else. It doesn't change what truly transpired in reality and doesn't make it right. It's maladaptive coping skills and it changes his reality but your pain and suffering is very real.

He crossed a line and you did the right thing with calling the cops. I agree, it is certainly a cause for concern Friday. You have talked about him. How about you? How do you feel? Do you have any sort of help? People in your corner in real life?

[November_Rain]

I still see our marriage counselor by myself. He now refuses to go back with me but I still find I need to be able to talk about things. I also have a few close family members that I confide in. It's difficult because they all say I should leave him, but they are not in my shoes. I have 2 teenagers that I have to provide a home for. They have spent so much time with their dad this summer because of our issues I feel like such a bad mother for not being able to provide them a stable home as we have always had. They have to witness his childish tantrums and my son gets treated like dirt. But then when things are good, he is great with them and we all get along really well. I guess I just hang onto that during the bad times hoping that we can get back to that place again. I don't know what to expect on Friday. His CO called me the last time and asked if I was ready for him to return home so I'm not sure if that will be an option this time or not. I would say no this time though, not until he gets serious help. What can I do to help him get help? Will him not being allowed home and me not giving in this time make him WANT help or will it just make him even angrier?