she died

[rogerroger]

I received a call tonight that my BPD ex wife has died. She had threatened suicide many times, but I think it is much more likely that it was an unintentional overdose. She was never responsible about taking any medications.

It hit me a lot harder than I would have expected. I still haven't told our kids. I told them she was very sick and was taken to the hospital.

In spite of all our difficulties and the intolerability of our marriage, I never stopped loving her. I continued to hope that she would receive the help I couldn't give her and get her life under control. Friends and family never really got that I saw our divorce as a tragedy for everyone involved. Even though I didn't hold out hope for reconciliation, I always hoped we could co-parent. At times she seemed to be moving in the right direction.

The news that she is gone is so painful. Whenever the kids told me they had a good time at Mommy's, my heart rejoiced. I don't know how to explain to them (they are 7) that the time they spent with her two days ago was the last time they will ever spend with her.

I feel selfish for thinking that there are things I left unsaid. Things I couldn't tell her because she wouldn't have been able to receive them without being triggered.

I know I couldn't have saved her, though I also know she still thought and hoped I could. I never responded to the texts she had sent me begging me to take her back so we could be a family again - promising to live clean and sober. It broke my heart that she was in such pain. I remember the look of terror in my sister's eyes when I told her that sometimes I wished I could just gather my ex into my arms and hold her and tell her everything was going to be alright. The terror was that I would take her back. I knew it would have been a disaster, but I still felt that way.

I regret that the kids didn't get to have the Mommy that everyone wanted them to have. And now all hope is gone of that, even if it was profoundly unlikely.

I feel like bawling my eyes out, but that will have to wait until I can bring myself to break the news to the kids. I dread it.

[Conundrum]

Your post breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your grievous loss. I am so sorry for the immense task that faces you with your children--when you are also in great pain. I can't find other words. My deep condolences on your loss. I wish you and your children peace in this dreadful time.     

[michel71]

Rog. I can't begin to imagine your pain. The duty of telling your kids... .beyond difficult. You need to do everything you can do to concentrate on the kids. You did all that you could regarding your ex wife. You couldn't save her. Feel your feelings. Cry when you can. Really get it out. Surround yourself IMMEDIATELY with close friends and those who love you. If not already in therapy, make an appointment immediately. Rely on family members or friends who can handle the practical details like funeral, burial, financial stuff. It's all about the kids now. My heart goes out to you. We all are here for you.

[Lights843]

I'm so sorry. There are no words. Even if you have support there with you please come here for support as well. We're here for you.

[Mutt]

I'm so sorry about your loss rogerroger

[Harri]

Roger, I am so sorry for your loss.  Wishing you and your children some peace and comfort. 

[corraline]

rogerroger

I am very sorry for your loss .  Please know that we are here for you.  Sending you and your children lots of love .   

[Ventus2ct]

So sorry to hear of your loss Rogerroger. Stay strong and thoughts are with you and your children.

[Traumatized]

I'm so sorry to hear about this.  It's heartbreaking on so many levels.  It's clear you truly loved her and did your best to try and help her.  Having regrets is normal, but like you said you couldn't have saved her.  Feel free to cry as much as you need to as you go through the grieving process.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.

[Cocoon]

I am sorry for your loss, and the anguish you are going through. This time will be a blur. My mother's death was something I had a hard time surviving, and it changed me, in a few big ways. I will pray for you tonight, for calm, love, acceptance.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

I am so sorry for your loss Rogerroger.  There is a daunting set of tasks ahead.  I hope you will feel yourself all the way through them.  This is so many things - as you know.  Keep checking in here so we can try to help you.

You're going to get through this, PHXbpdfamily.com

[rogerroger]

Thank you all so much for the words of support and encouragement.

It seems odd to me -- in the divorce I had grieved the loss of her. If you had asked me yesterday I would have said I was done grieving. But today all that old grief is back again, except more so.

[Turkish]

Bawl your eyes out when you can. I can hardly imagine how you must feel, dealing with this, and anticipating how to tell your children. We are all here to support you in any way which we can.

Turkish

[Ripples]

Very sad. So sorry for you and your family.

[biglearningcurve]

How horrible sad.

Best wishes to you and your children.

I hope you have friends and family to comfort you all.

[Infern0]

I can't imagine what you must be feeling. And it's one of my deepest fears.  That one day I'll hear she's gone. Despite it all I know that would crush me beyond belief. 

You have to take care of your kids now,  mourn her. I like to belive that deep down there is an angel in my BPD ex, I saw glimpses occasionally of something real and wonderful.

Yours is in heaven now,  her pain is over,  live your life to its fullest,  perhaps you'll meet again upstairs,  and the angel will be fully free

[freedom33]

Your situation sounds heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss Roger. I hope you have some support around you in these difficult times.

[NorthLight]

I am so sorry to hear this. So sad. I wish you the best, and know that the community here supports you! Good luck.

[Dutched]

I am so sorry for your loss Rogerroger!

Wishing you and your kids all the strength you need and the comfort of having each other.

Please be strong for your children, it’s the 2nd devastating time they will have to go through.

Guide them, cherish and tell them the positive side of their mother (how hard it might be after all events).

Maybe hard to imagine now,  but I am convinced that you, specially you, will blossom up together with your children as you all will find the so needed stability.

[Recooperating]

I'm so very sorry to hear this Roger. My deepest sympathies. I wish you lots of strenght. My heart goes out to you and your children. Take good care of them and of yourself.

Good luck in these unfair and though times. 

[Tibbles]

I am so sorry for your loss and the painful journey ahead for you and your kids. Sending much love x x x

[Kwamina]

Hi rogerroger,

I would like to add my sincere condolences to those offered to you by the others. I'm very sorry for your loss. You are right when you say that you couldn't have saved her but I understand that on an emotional level it might feel different. Telling your children won't be easy, I believe it probably was a good decision to take some time to (somewhat) process what has happened yourself before you tell your kids.

It really is a very unfortunate aspect of BPD that certain people with this disorder have suicidal tendencies and some of them end up committing suicide. Whether it was accidental or not, the outcome and hurt are the same. We have some resources that might be helpful for you in the coming days, weeks and months as you try to deal with this loss:

Recovering from suicide loss

It's a self-help handbook for people who have lost someone through suicide. Losing someone you love like this is very tragic, I hope this handbook will be helpful as you try to move on.

[Take2]

 :'(

Ugh... .crushing... .  I am so sorry for your loss... .  we're here for you... .   

[Clearmind]

  to you and your children. You're a fabulous and caring dad.

[Skip]

Telling children that a parent is not ever coming home is hard.  They look to us for answers in that moment and we haven't any to give. Nothing is as it seems. We can only hold them and be a pillar of of healthy grieving for them to see and emulate in their own way.  I lived through it myself.  I feel every word you wrote.

We're here for you.  Stay with us.

[BacknthSaddle]

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain rogerroger. This community is here for you.

[waverider]

Treasure her memory for your kids sake, remember she was part of creating those kids who you will have the rest of your life to enjoy tome with.

Dont let anyone tarnish your kids view of her, let them have rose colored glasses if need be. It will benefit everyone in the long run

[whirlpoollife]

So sorry rodgerrodger, I wish you and your children strength today and in the months ahead.

[DreamGirl]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I echo everyone else in letting you know that we are here for you, every step of the way. 

[rogerroger]

I told the kids this morning. The only one who cried was me. My son put his arm around me and offered to get me a tissue. My daughter tried to cheer me up with silliness.

It isn't real to them. They were clearly stunned when I explained to them that Mommy had died. I have read that the way children process grief is often very different from how adults do it. Definitely true in this case.

I made a point of emphasizing that Mommy loved them very much. My daughter asked me if I would ever "calm down" (I was crying) and I said of course, but that being sad was normal when someone we love dies.

I am pretty sure it will hit them harder at various later times. Once funeral arrangements have been made I'll talk to them about what to expect. But I remember that I first really experienced the surreality of death when I saw my grandmother at the reviewal. Maybe their experience will  be different - I suppose everyone's is. I will just have to watch carefully. I have noticed that my son just called out to me just to make sure I was still nearby.

Thank you again for all the support. It really means a lot to me.