Need advice: how to communicate with ex-BPD daughter (13)?

[Jonie]

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[Angi]

Hi Jonie,

I didn´t read all of your story. I just want to give you my spontaneous thoughts: I think you have found a good way of handling the situation by just sharing general things about your situation. I would leave it to the girl whether to let her parents know about her contacting you.  If it should be true that she has two BPD/NPD parents, she will probably have a lot of difficulties – no wonder she is contacting a normal grown up, perhaps you are somebody she looks up to and perhaps you can give her a lot of help just by “thinking in a normal way”. There was a topic lately in which I learned how important it is for a child or teenager to have other, mentally healthy, people in their life to guide and support them. Possible is of course also that she will let her mother know about your contact, maybe because she has problems with her mom and she knows she wouldn´t approve of this friendship. At this age she needs to set boundaries and with parents like hers even more. I think you are a great help by just “being there” and her knowing there is somebody like you she can get in touch with whenever she feels she needs to. In your situation I would probably prefer to stay in a passive role and answer her messages or ask her how she is doing from time to time.

Wish you luck

[Harri]

Hi Jonie.  I think Angie is right when she says to be a support and reference for normal in her life.  That is so very important.  Really that is all you can do and if you want to help, that is the very best thing you can do for her.

I do no think it is wise to ask her to keep the relationship secret.  I understand your reasoning, but it puts the girl in a very difficult place and you in a very dangerous one.  You do not want to open yourself to being accused of anything underhanded or illegal.  I say that because I know what my mom would have done and accused me and the friend of.  For sure, my mother would have accused me of ganging up on her, abandoning her and 'the family' and possibly being sexually attracted to this friend, man or woman.  Yeah, she went from calling me a whore starting at about 9 years and alternating with lesbian, slut, etc.  I am not at all sure I, as a 13 year old, would have had the strength to not tell her myself in an attempt to lash out and hurt her or throw someone like you under the bus in an effort to stop the insanity in such a case.  I hate to admit that, but yeah... .it was pretty damn bad in that house and it was often the old every man for himself sort of thing.   :'(

She is 13 and underage.  With a BPD Dad and an NPD mom, you need to tread very lightly.  Let her initiate and direct conversations.  I would not talk at all about your relationship/breakup with her dad.  One, it really is not appropriate and two, it most likely will get back to her mom and or dad.  Nothing good can come from it.  Maybe later on when she is more mature and out of the house, she may benefit from hearing some of it, like her dad probably has BPD and mom NPD, but other than that, just be a light of acceptance and joy in her life.  Let her know you are sad to not be around her and that things just did not work out between you and her dad but other than that, I would redirect the conversation or even outright say that you do not feel comfortable discussing it with her.

Good luck to you.

[SeaSprite]

One way to think about conversations would be to talk/write as if you were talking in front of her parents.

Anything she wants to know about your story with her dad can be put down to "grown up stuff", that isn't appropriate to involve her in.

If any part of her relationship with her parents comes up, you can say you know they both love her, and that families are complicated sometimes.

Then you can redirect the conversation to her hobbies, or what she's reading, or her favorite teacher or something.

She doesn't want to know about the adult drama, even if she thinks she does. She has kid drama to deal with.

[Jonie]

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