Roller Coaster ride continues through Divorce

[emergingmom]

Wow... .it has been a long time since my one and only post. I navigated between leaving and staying just reading others posts and marveling at the similarities. Then about a year ago things took a turn. After a few particularly abusive episodes with my husband I took my three children and left. Wasn't sure what I was doing but knew that things had to change, if not for me, for my kids. The abuse they were witnessing and the constant drama would no longer be tolerated. After a few months of separation I allowed my husband to stay on the couch during the holidays, as his living situation was difficult- BIG MISTAKE. I, considering myself separated had begun to talk with  a gentlemen, and it was actually helping me cope with my pain. Well, my husband grabbed my phone from me one night and well life has never been the same... .After loving this man and devoting my life to our family for 14 years he launched into a place that, although I shouldn't have been surprised, I didn't expect. He punched me in front of our children, I had to file 2 protect orders against him. He filed for divorce. He slandered my name all over town and refuses to belief that I had never cheated on him. He was obsessed with me cheating the entire courtship and marriage. Now, after reading through everyone's stories I realize that it was most likely his abandonment issues and when he perceived a real threat it crippled him. I wish I hadn't have spoken with this gentleman, but I was broken too... .and in a lot of pain. The week before I began to engage with him, my husband had me on the ground choking me telling me that he had dreams of killing me. I endured so much until I let myself consider another interaction. Not proud but don't think I deserved what I got. I confirmed all his fears and insecurities with that action and it didn't matter what I said, he would never believe me.

Divorce was finalized this week. I have had real moments of peace without him. Felt so much guilt that I couldn't keep my family together. Questioned my reality regularly and probably would have recycled  before divorce was final but his nastiness never ended.

Today has been hard. We are both struggling financially and his anger is limitless it seems. He somehow, though he didn't file ,thinks he should get alimony, despite my struggling with 3 kids just to survive. He has been so unstable he has't been able to get/keep a job in a year, despite having a nursing license.

Tonight I struggle with, "How can he think that way?" After reading many posts I have become clear again. I am reminded of an interaction I had many years ago in the grocery store with two friends. One has OCD. I remember my one friend attempting to find "the right" peanut butter jar. My other friend was very frustrating and I remember saying something to her like... .It's about acceptance. You know that he has ocd, you can't change it. If you decide to go to the grocery store with him be prepared for the experience.

Right now, I know I am beating my head against the wall. I won't understand how he can think like he does, I'm not supposed to... .

My friends who don't understand the disorder, and certainly do not have children with someone who is suffering don't understand... .you are now divorced they say. You don't have to put up with it any more. I know that I need to decondition and not absorb the abuse that continues to come at me but there are moments when I automatically question my perception of a situation and begin to believe his... .still. I was much happier with no contact... .but seems impossible with the children.

And although clearly not a good time, I am about to embark on another journey. Starting NP school in 3 days... Feel so much guilt. Like I am moving on trying to better my life and fulfill a dream while he self destructs... .awful.  Regularly worry about him killing himself.Going out of sheer determination... .

Thanks for listening.

[emergingmom]

This is probably poor etiquette posting before any responses but I have an addendum.  For those of you experienced in the area of leaving a BPD... .does the guilt ever go away? It's like I can't imagine a good life for myself and the children without this crushing guilt. I couldn't help him fulfill his dreams cuz I had to begin to protect myself... .but I feel so sad guilty moving on... .

[Witchway]

Hi emergingmom,

First of all, well done you for removing yourself and your children from an abusive situation. No-one should have to put up with the abuse you have documented. As for questioning your version of reality, that is something that I really struggled with. The constant questioning of your own version of events does wear you down physically and mentally. What you have to remember is that their version of events is skewed, a defence mechanism. I know it's hard but things do become clearer given time. This guy punched you infront of your children, that is totally unacceptable, do you want your children growing up / being witness to abusive behaviour? It is not a good way to live. You say you have moments of peace without him - does that not tell you something? As for the guilt - Yes if he can guilt trip you he will - it's all about him and no regard for yours or your children's feelings. Sorry to sound harsh but it doesn't appear you ex has learnt anything at all from the past and how his behaviour has impacted on others. You cannot help him if he is not prepared to help himself. He told you he has dreams of killing you. Ask yourself... .is this loving, caring behaviour?

You are moving on and trying to improve your position... .Yah ! Good for you. You should not be guilty for this. When you realise and accept you have done all that you possibly could do the guilt will leave you and will be able to move forward in a positive way. Are you seeing a Therapist to help you with this?

Ww 

[emergingmom]

Thank you Ww, I really appreciate your response and validation. It is so nice to discuss these matters with people who understand. Divorce is difficult but this certainly isn't a typical divorce Seem to vacilate between hope of wellness and despair daily. But I do have faith. And yes, I am proud of myself for FINALLY doing what was good for me. When my financial situation improves I absolutely plan to see a therapist. I continue with introspection and exploration to identify the factors that contributed to never enforcing basic boundaries with my husband. Huge self esteem issues and co-dependency traits seem on the forefront. Seems like it will take a lot of work to purge the guilt. This forum is invaluable to me right now, and I am so thankful to be able to communicate with people who seem to understand the internal conflicts that are produced from being in such a toxic relationship. I hope to learn from those on here who have adopted healthy self images and look forward to be able to let go... .

[emergingmom]

I think what I struggle with the most at my weak moments is that his greatest fear was abandonment and I feel like I abandoned him. I remember thinking at one point that if my husband had cancer, I would stick by his side, I wouldn't leave him in his illness. He is ill, yet I left. The rational side of me knows that is bs, cause I had to save myself and my children, but the feeling emerges none the less... .

[Witchway]

I think what I struggle with the most at my weak moments is that his greatest fear was abandonment and I feel like I abandoned him. I remember thinking at one point that if my husband had cancer, I would stick by his side, I wouldn't leave him in his illness. He is ill, yet I left.

From what I can gather from your posts is that you 'abandoned' him due to his abusive and criminal (he hit you - that is not to be tolerated) behaviours. Maybe instead re-frame your actions and look upon them as self-preservation. By leaving him you are being kind to yourself and your kids. If you allow him to guilt-trip yourself and (god forbid) return you're not doing him any favours either because you are enabling him to carry on with these behaviours. He is disordered and no amount of help from you will allevite the disorder - that has to come from him. So sorry you are struggling with this, but what needs to be the most important thing is... .taking care of and protecting you and your kids.

[Hopeless777]

I agree with Witchway. I didn't abandon or desert my BPDw, I had to remove myself from her DV on me (she was arrested), her rages, her violence, etc. over the last two years. The prior 20 years I knew something was wrong with her, I was just in denial. I had to leave to protect myself from death, mental, physical, who knows. Anything has to be better than that hell.

[Panda39]

emergingmom,

You have begun the slow walk out of the FOG (fear, obligation & guilt) it does get better the more time passes and the more (emotional) distance you are able to put between you and the ex. 

Communicate with him only via email then take all the time you need to process what the email says (one member on this site always waits 24 hrs before responding, another saves them all up and looks at them at one time... .do what works for you). Do not respond to BS (don't feed the drama), only respond if related to your kids (keep it short & sweet).

I too want to validate your decision to leave an abusive husband that is absolutely without a doubt the right thing to do to protect yourself and your children. I encourage you to look forward not back... .NP school is a great start. 

Since the cost of therapy is prohibitive for you right now be  sure to keep coming back to us here.  We are not therapists but we do know where you are coming from and you have our combined support.  Everyone here has experience with some part of what you are now going through.

Sending a big   your way.  Hang in there.