Newbie Checking in For 1st Time

[jmanvo2015]

Hello,

I'm new today to bpdfamily and posted this to another board, but a very nice person was kind enough to send me a private message and suggest that I re-post it here because the other board seems to have gone quiet.

I have a particularly challenging background to overcome.  I'm 45.  My mother is a BPD and I have two fathers and they're both NPDs.  The first, my biological father, gave me up for adoption to the second, my stepfather, when I was 10.  I re-established a relationship with my birth father about five years ago, after I had cancer, because I hoped it would provide some closure and help me heal.  It's been a series of delights and disappointments, but I've maintained contact and civility, though not the closeness or affection I'd hoped for.

Unfortunately, I've never been married.  I'm a straight female and my first real experience with love when I was 21 ended badly when I found out the man I fell in love with, who was physically abusive, was also secretly married.  Since that time, I haven't been able to meet a man that is not a narcissist or emotional abuser.  So, I've just shied away entirely from relationships. I wondered if I was gay, but have never had an attraction to women.  I fear I'm just completely shut down and incapable of finding love. This has been compounded by a tremendous weight gain after the cancer.  I'm attractive, but now the size of a football player, which most men don't find appealing in the least.  Or, I find men that make it clear they'll sleep with me, but not anything else, which just compounds my already deep-rooted feelings of shame and self-hatred.  I have a very difficult time setting boundaries.  I recently went on a blind date and allowed the man to talk about himself for almost 2 hours straight only to find out afterwards that he had no interest in me at all.  I think a more confident women would've bolted after 30 minutes with this narcissistic guy, but I was willing to give him a chance because I'm so very lonely.

Over the years, I've tried therapy, but none of the therapists I saw ever seemed to pinpoint what was really going on with me, or how I could overcome my challenges. In fact, it's just been the past few days that bells have been ringing and I'm seeing things clearly for the very first time.  I found some YouTube videos from a therapist, Ross Rosenberg, about how codependents always end up with NPDs or BPDs and from there did searches that led me here.  It's very clear that I've suffered a great deal of trauma by having a BPD mother who was emotionally and verbally abusive, not as much physically.

I have many codependent characteristics and some BPD ones, too. that have combined to make it very tough for me to get my needs met in any kind of relationship - romantic, friendship, family or work. I'm almost always disappointed in people and this year those disappointments have piled up tremendously.  So, I've just become sort of a loner.  Though I've definitely had my share of disruptions and failures, I'm generally well-liked and well-esteemed in my career and where I live.  However, since the cancer, I've very intentionally not let anyone too close to me because I realize that my maladaptive behaviors have caused so many problems for me that I don't want to become enmeshed in more failed and unfulfilled relationships.  Plus, I'm deeply ashamed about my weight and feel very uncomfortable and self-conscious in social settings.

So, I know what's wrong.  I just don't know how to move towards what's right.  I am trying to find a good therapist.  In the past, I'd just go with the first person I researched who saw me.  This time, though, I've been interviewing and spending time with some different ones, but none have clicked yet.  I really want to be sure it will be a person who helps me move beyond where I am, rather than sitting in his/her office for 2-3 years rehashing my traumatic childhood, but then going out into the real world and repeating all the same mistakes.

I don't really know what else to say.  I'm here hoping to dialogue with other people who, behind the veil of anonymity, can help me learn more about myself, grow and heal.  If that's not possible, then I'm here simply to share my story with the hopes that doing so - whether or not anyone responds - will help me heal.

[Louise7777]

Hi jmanvo2015!

I just want to welcome you and tell you that you are not alone. We all struggle with similar things and Im sure you´ll find lots of support. 

I can relate to you in some ways and having being in some relationships with undiagnosed PDs I know how you feel.

Just to give you one example, I attract some narcissistic men too. Although they are appealing to me for a week, later I find them extremely boring and empty... .I had some skype chats with men who talked about themselves for 30 mins and I had to cut contact. Yep, we can be needy, but such monologues just make me want to run and never look back... .

But hey, at least we realize what the problem is! Like you, I have problems and Im aware, but still, Im not moving in the right direction as I should be by now... .

I dont have solutions to offer, just wanted to show you sympathy and ask you to keep posting. 

[jmanvo2015]

Louise -

Thank you very much for your kind reply!

 

[drummerboy]

Getting a good therapist is so important. I have finally found one and feel blessed. I kept wanting to talk about my uBPDex and about BPD but my therapist keeps getting me back to finding out what is inside me. It's uncomfortable and confronting but keeping the focus on you is so important IMO. From our first session a main message is that I have to stop beating up on myself and start loving myself and now and then she will floor me by saying, "I know there is a truly beautiful soul in there" and I can't describe how that makes me feel. She is not being insincere saying that, I know she is right. Just by the fact that you are asking these questions of yourself shows you are a good soul. You are not happy with the status quo and you want the real, beautiful you, that you know is inside, to emerge.

Hugs to you.

[jmanvo2015]

Thank you Bauie!

I have an appointment with a new therapist this coming Thursday.   Though I've been in therapy before, this time I searched out someone with specific experience with BPD.  I hope it will be a good match.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

 

[Harri]

Hi jmanvo!  So glad you are here, though I am sorry for the circumstances that did bring you here. 

We have a lot in common... .basically everything except the two fathers with NPD part and that both my parents are now 'dearly departed'.  I've been diagnosed with c-PTSD and depression.  I was at one point very isolated, but I have gotten a bit better with that though now that I am not working, I seemed to have withdrawn again.  Part of that is due to health issues, but also because I have retreated again.  That seems to be my default state.  I'm okay with it but I know I need to get out a bit more too.

So, while I have no answers for you, I can definitely relate to a lot of what you say.  I'm just glad you found this place and that there are so many people to help guide us along the way. 

[jmanvo2015]

Thank you for reaching out to me Harri!  I'm sorry to hear that you're in the same boat as me.  It's hard to be alone.  I only work part-time and from home, so I am also isolated much of the time.  Next week, I'm moving back in with my BPD mom and NPD dad.  Isn't that absurd? But it is actually my choice because I've been so terribly lonely and unhappy where I am and there are also financial issues.  My mother is interconnected to my living arrangement and finances and she keeps everything to herself.  So, I don't always know when there are problems.  At various times, I've had to pressure her to share financial info with me that I need as an only child with no family to turn to when my parents pass away.  It's not been easy.  I'm moving, too, because I think I will have a better life where they are because where I live is going downhill and there are many problems with the HOA association and I just want out.  But, mostly, it's just the terrible loneliness.  It's ironic that the people that caused me to have all the interpersonal difficulties that I have (BPD mom/NPD stepfather) that have made it so difficult for me to form the close, intimate relationships I need for happiness, are the same people I have to turn to for comfort from the deep loneliness I feel.  I wish I could make sense out of this... .just feels like god is punishing me for somethign I don't even understand.

[Harri]

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so lonely.  It can be hard being alone, but it is doable too.  Mostly I prefer to be alone, but that is really not good for me.  I struggle with friendships too and it has only been in the last 10 years or so that I made progress there.  Not surprisingly the progress coincided with my starting therapy with a T who knew right off the bat that my mom was PD and she told me borderline.  At the time, I was actually still living with my parents.  I moved shortly after that and my life changed quite a bit.  I think you will be fine living with your mom and step-dad again especially if you have a T, work on things you can learn here and use this place as support.  So many people here can understand and help cheer you on. 

I wrote a long reply to one of the posts you made here today.  I wrote it after reading all the posts you made so that is why it is so long, I had so many thoughts in my head I just had to get them down!   

The information on this site can be overwhelming like you mentioned so take your time.  There is no rush.   

[jmanvo2015]

Hi Harri, thank you again for your empathy.  Loneliness is hard, but so much of it, for me, is self-imposed.  People seem to like me, though I don't really understand why. They call and text, but I mostly blow them off.  A lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm about 200 pounds overweight because of the type of cancer I had a few years ago.  So, I'm just ashamed to go out anywhere and a lot of my friends are attractive and I feel like a whale, or football player next to them.

The one thing I wish is that I could use this alone time more productively.  I have so many projects and interests I could be working on, but instead I sit in bed a lot and just wallow in the misery.  Isn't that ridiculous?    I just sit there and pet my cat.  How pathetic is that?     But sometimes, this emotional pain that I feel from all of this - the emptiness associated with both being BPD (am I? I'm not sure?) and having BPD/NPB parents is not just emotionally overwhelming, but physically overwhelming, too.  I just feel tired.  It doesn't help that the weight gain also caused Type 2 Diabetes.

Once I make it through the move this week, I plan to be more consistent with my diet and exercise.  I've already lost 35 pounds since April, so I know what I need to do.  Now, I just need to do it.

I read in the guidelines that our posts should be productive and action-oriented and so far I'm doing a lot of complaining.  So, here are some productive things I do that help me A LOT: 1) I have an iPhone app called "I CAN BE CONFIDENT' that is a guided meditation with a Danish guy named Jacob.  Jacob has a very calm, soothing and encouraging voice (very different from my parents!).  I find that listening to him helps improve my mood and self-esteem.  2) I've written myself a love letter and I try to read it to myself everyday. I embedded a nice picture of myself in the middle of it.  In the letter, I assure myself that my parents were wrong about me, that I am lovable and that people like me and that I'm not a bother or a nuisance or a problem. 3) I made a list of the attributes I would like to find in a man.  4) I've tried really, really, really hard to set boundaries with people so that I can have better relationships all around.  I try to remind myself that the people I work with aren't friends.  They're not my friends and I need to keep healthy, professional boundaries.   5.) I mostly eat gluten-free and sugar-free and this seems to really improve my mood, skin and is helping me lose weight.

I've been procrastinating all day today, but I actually have to get a work presentation done. So, I'm signing off for now.  Talk to you more soon!

PS: You are an excellent writer, speller, grammar person.  I am, too.  I'm actually a writer by trade.  I wonder if these perfectionist tendencies are the result of our BPD backgrounds?   

[jmanvo2015]

PSS: Well, maybe I'm not so much of a good speller or grammar person, but I'm definitely a writer!   

[Harri]

The one thing I wish is that I could use this alone time more productively.  I have so many projects and interests I could be working on, but instead I sit in bed a lot and just wallow in the misery.  Isn't that ridiculous?

Well, you got yourself to this board right?  That is very proactive and productive!  LOL, I relate to the sitting and wallowing, although I am quite good at denial so I tend to term it as wasting time on facebook or watching movies or other non-sense.  But yeah, it is overwhelming and it is easy to sit around especially if you have depression.  I am in no position to talk about not getting into a rut as I have been in quite a big one lately.  I have to force myself just to shower every day.  It seems like such an effort just to do that.  I am going to ask my doctor to switch my antidepressant as I am not doing well with that at all. 

I need to lose quite a bit of weight myself so once again, I can relate to feeling like a football player.  (why oh why are most of my friends skinny little twigs? I have one who actually forgets to eat.  What is up with that?   )  Anywho, I go for physical therapy and they have machines and a walking track and whatnot that I use, but the last two weeks I have skipped going.  I was going 5 days a week.  So I am promising myself right here that I will get my butt back there on Tuesday morning!  Care to join me in exercising once your move is complete?  You can be my invisible friend at the gym!   

I am impressed you read the guidelines.  I haven't though I guess I should.  This is the second time someone here has referred to rules about posting.  I imagine I am breaking a few of them.  So reading them will be my next task! 

I love the list you wrote about things you do.  And the love letter to yourself?  Wow. 

Haha, thanks for the compliments about my writing.  It has been a bit of a struggle for me here as I got used to 'dumb' writing in emails and texting so when I got here and had to write full sentences and capitalize and all that it was a shock to my system! 

I am going to end with this: 

People seem to like me, though I don't really understand why.

  Ummm, I have a feeling that at least part of what they are responding to is your openness.  It is refreshing and quite enjoyable.   

[jmanvo2015]

Harri - Yes, definitely, about the gym.  Let's keep each other motivated on that! 

Thank you for mentioning my openness.  I think you're right that people are drawn to that, but it's also hard for me because I let people in too quickly and easily.  Here on the boards that's OK, but in real life it leads to many disappointments.  I'm really glad we "met"!  Have a great night!

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Hi Jmanvo,

So glad u are here and posted your story. It sounds alot like mine in many ways.  I didn't get a clue that It wasnt all my fault til late in life... .I mean I had inklings that I wasnt the bad person I was made out to be my my BPDmom and BPD sis. But it was when I was almost 40 when a friend said to me, "It's not you". "it's them".

I would turn that over and over in my mind for years actually, trying to even wrap my head around it. "what do you mean its not me? they keep saying it's me so it must be... ."

I will tell you that it just took  years to start changing my  perspective. I continued to struggle with who I was, with relationships,, with them... .it seemed as though it would never change. The struggle was immense like slogging thru mud.

But looking back I can say that slowly and imperceptably my inside reality was changing. I also went gluten and sugar free and it was a step that made my mind and body less stuck so I could move forward even faster- there is a connection between what we eat and how we feel emotionally. Then all the changes and drive to recover brought me to resources like Randi Kreger's books and this forum to name a couple. So then things went even faster in my recovery. and now I feel I have come out the other side. These people still cause me pain, but I am different and well into recovery. It takes a series of little steps in the right direction over time.

I would liken it to the metamorphosis a caterpillar goes thru to becoming a butterfly. Did you know that in metamorphosis the caterpillar actually disintigrates and turns into SOUP?... .Yes. And then all the molecules re arrange and become something completely new and different.

Have you ever seen a butterfly struggle to get out of its cocoon? It looks very painful and takes a really long time. There is a story of a man who felt so bad to see this -it looked as if the butterfly was going to tire out and die- that he ever so carefully took a small pair of scissors and gently cut a slit in the cocoon, which made the butterfly easily come out.

But the wings were misshapen and soon after the creature died. It seems that it is the long and tiring struggle that pumps blood into the wings so it can actually live and fly.

So -- sometimes we feel like we are disintigrating and our struggle feels so tiring we will never make it. Not so. It is the struggle that pumps the life into our wings.

Just keep moving in the right direction with each little choice you make.

[Progress Not Perfection]

Jmanvo, welcome! I have found these boards to be tremendously helpful to my healing, thanks to the great people who keep them going. It is also really rewarding (for me at least) to provide support to others. From what you are writing it is clear that you are insightful and caring and I'm sure you will bring a lot of wisdom to the boards.

As you mentioned and Harri reiterated, the boards can be overwhelming. I personally have to take some days off and allow myself to be distracted by other things. I recently went NC with my BPD mom and find myself feeling a lot of guilt on days when I don't do anything "productive" like go the therapy, read books on PDs, express my anger, etc. But I am starting to realize that the days off are actually really really important. So give yourself permission to rest, especially as you start unpacking some of the baggage you have from growing up with your parents.

Good luck with your new T! I have seen several over the years and finding the one that can fit your current needs is so important... .I know for me I also have to remember that growing up like I did, I have a tendency to distrust people who appear to care about me so sometimes I have to talk myself into going back, especially after a hard session. I tend to think "oh, he/she probably really doesn't like me because I cried/got angry/complained last time". I have found that actually bringing that up can be SOO helpful because it helps me work out how my mom's behavior fostered some of those assumptions that keep me very lonely. What you said about loneliness reminded me of a recent example of this. From discussing feelings like that with my T, he and I figured out that I have a paralyzing fear of being needy, because my mom often shamed me if I had a need that was inconvenient for her (like needing attention when she was trying to seduce a man  ). So a lot of times I act like everything is perfect in my life because I'm afraid if I actually let friends in on my struggles, that they will reject me for being too needy. Consequently I feel super alone and like people don't know the "real me" and if they did, they would reject me. Trying to overcome that assumption out with my T and friends has been incredible! It's still really hard for me to trust people but it's getting a little easier every day.

Sparrow, what you wrote about the butterfly is SO inspiring! Do you mind if I quote it for personal use? I want to print it out and hang it on my wall as inspiration for myself on the days when I feel like I'm disintegrating from NC with my mom. Out of this soup will come a butterfly, hopefully! Also the idea of "helping" the butterfly have an easier time is so fascinating. Sometimes my husband wants to save me from my feelings and while that is a nice sentiment, sometimes the best help is to just sit and watch the struggle, cheering from the sidelines!  Thank you for the great metaphor!

Long post! This is what happens when I take a week away from the boards -- I have so much to say when I return 

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Hi progress,

Of course you may use my quote... .I may make sign of it myself

Actually the metaphor took shape over years of gaining bits of information here and there and marveling  at  how it applies to the human struggle.

[RayNigh]

jmanvo2015,

Thank you for sharing your story. My mom is uBPD. While I have interest in guys I have never had a serious relationship. I am also a mid 30-something that is a virgin. I push away any guys that are interested and my expectations are to high. Most men fail at what I want in a relationship. Another friend has a mom that is uBPD as well and has had some difficult romantic relationships in her life. It seems that this is something that is not common for children of uBPD/BPD.

Regarding the feelings toward women, if you are not interested, then you are not interested. Just because of failed relationships history does not mean we are strait, gay. It most likely goes back to the root issue related to our attachment styles with our parent. Having awareness and knowledge is the first step. Once we have that information then we can move on. I've only been visiting this board for about a month and it is a very resourceful and helpful place. I've seen some improvements on my own self-esteem which has been helping. Please hang in there and make sure to come back as often as possible and check in. Everyone here is very supportive of one another.