Guilt + Obligation

[jmanvo2015]

I would like to hear from other people that have a BPD mother who uses guilt and obligation to make them feel bad.  My mother does this so much and would like to find tools to help me deal with this.  For example,  today my mother's brother is having a memorial service for his girlfriend who passed away from cancer last month.  For most of my life my mother excommunicated my uncle and told me he was a bad person and an alcoholic.  So, I didn't see him very often either and never really developed a significant bond with him.  Then, he moved to where we live with his girlfriend and my mother became very close to him.  Since that time, it's been the opposite - he's always saying how GREAT he is and really guilting me into developing a relationship with him.  But, I hate how she uses guilt to do this.  She'll say things like, "You know he's really lonely now.  You should call him... ." and "Why don't you do this for him... ." 

When my grandmother was alive she used the same tactics.  Her constant guilt and pressuring didn't make me closer to these people.  In fact, it had the opposite effect.  It caused me to pull away from them more because I resented my mother's demands. 

Today, I called her and told her I have a migraine and I'm not going to the memorial service for my uncle's girlfriend, who I never had any closeness to.  The truth is that, right now, I'm dealing with a lot of really heavy issues and I had a lot of deaths in my life when I was in my 20s, so funerals are very difficult for me.  They really are very draining and overwhelming.  I don't think I should have to go because someone else is making me feel guilty and overwhelmed and trying to force me to feel a sense of obligation that I don't feel.

I think I'm doing this to take care of myself and I'm finally starting to see that it's OK to take care of myself, even though my mother makes me feel like I'm a bad person for doing so.   Other people take care of themselves and they have so much better lives than me.  My mother has always made me feel like I'm responsible for being there for the world, for being the better person and always putting others first and this has been horrible for me because everyone else is happy but I'm often alone and resentful because I do too much and then I expect too much.

Trying so hard to break free from this.  My mother, of course, blew up on the phone when I told her. "YOU'RE NOT COMING? FINE!"" etc... .

So, I just keep telling myself that it's OK.  I can let her have her reaction, but that doesn't mean I have to change my mind, bend to her will, or allow her words and emotions to have such a major impact.

Oy. I'm three days here and I can see that recovering from all of this is going to be a major life commitment.  I just hope it leads to a better, happier, more fulfilling life... .

[blanquita]

Hello

I'm 24 & my mom is a diagnosed wBPD  she also used guilt and obligation against me almost my entire life that I can remember  so I can relate very much so to your situation.  She also pushed me to get close to certain family members but talk bad about them also and I was obligated to go to every function or party she attended.  If I didn't want to go she would say I would regret it later when those people are dead blah blah I'llbe sorry for not attending etc; when did u realize your mom had BPD ? And how has it affected your life and relationship with her?

[Ziggiddy]

Hi again jmanvo

It is a very common thing for pwBPD to use the FOG in order to get their way which they can often feel is more important than anyone else's way. A syou are no doubt finding out, she is unlikely to change her methods except to escalate them. The main thing is what you point out - how do we deal with it?

It has been my experience that if i focus on communicating my desire or lack of desire to go along with my mother's wishes, there always comes a 'discussion' as to who is right. I find then i go on the defensive and can even get quite petulant! If I focus on the part where I'm asking "Is my mother behaving like an adult or a child?" then I can often see my way much clearer. If she's treating me like a person and speaking like an adult I will state my position WITHOUT reasons. "No I won't be attending that." "Yes I will do this thing at this time on this day." End of. From there I am no longer willing to enter into further discussion. i work on staying calm and changing the subject. if the subject won't be changed I state my boundary. "I've answered your question mum. I'm not going to discuss it further." If then she wants to continue (which is getting rarer) I take my leave. "I have given my answer, Mum. I have also said I don't want to discuss it further. I might duck off now."

Yes I feel guilty but I get to do what I want. The other way I feel annoyed because I don't get to do what I want to do. I guess it's a choice which 'bad' I'm going to feel. And more and more I'm thinking "Why you wanna treat me this way? i don't do this to you?" from that my self esteem grows and my feelings of guilt lessen and I get to do more of what I want to and less of what I don't!

I guess what I'm saying is it's easy to get stuck in the thought of "they shouldn't be doing this to me" without moving to the next position which is learning to be entitled to your own choices!

And I agree with you totally: it IS a lifetime commitment, jmanvo - but what a life it is! It's YOUR life!

[jmanvo2015]

blanquita - thank you for responding.  I appreciate the sympathy. 

I realized my mother had serious problems when I was in HS.  However, my mother always told me I was the problem and for much of my life convinced me this was true.  My stepfather ALWAYS took her side, even when she raged terribly at me.  So, I always had the experience of being ganged up on.  When I was 16, I attempted suicide.  I didn't want to die.  I just wanted the abuse to stop.  It never did.  It just gave them more of a reason to blame me for everything because now they could say I was mentally unstable.  They never, ever, ever acknowledged that anything they did was bad.  Being an only child, I had nobody to protect me.  My grandmother, who was also BPD, was afraid of my mother and financially dependent on her.  Everyone else in my family thought my mother was the best mother in the world because at family gatherings she always put on an amazing show.  She is a true performer who can be very funny and engaging.  Of course, people in my family were drawn to her and since I was always unhappy and moping as a result of the emotional abuse I was subject to at home, everyone saw me as a problem child.  Even though I'd read the Marsha Linehan books and also the book about mothers that identified my mother as a "Queen," a few years back, I guess I just sort of dazed out and hadn't thought about it again until just recently.  I don't know why... .maybe denial is easier than confronting all of this.


Ziggiddy - I'm really grateful for all the nice posts and warm welcome you've given me.  The advice you've provided here is invaluable.  I once read about this thing called the "broken record" technique and what you say sounds like the useful application of that.  Of course, my mother is an incredibly challenging and difficult personality who will pick a fight regardless of whether or not she is actually provoked.  But, I can try this and see if the firm repetition and commitment NOT to meet her at her level will eventually break her down a little bit.  I can only imagine the horror that my mother experienced that made her who she is today.  She hasn't told me about it - probably never will - but little things slip out and I get the impression that she had to go and take my grandfather home from bars when she was as young as 11 and that my grandmother attempted suicide 3times and my mother was the one who found her each time.  I know BPDs are really difficult people, but I think it's very important that we also have compassion for them and the situations that made them who they are.  I try to have compassion for my mother and when she is making no sense, or being emotionally abusive, I try to see her as the helpless and frightened little girl she was.  This really helps me to not be provoked by her and to try to be kinder and more affirming to her.

[clljhns]

Hi jmanvo2015,

  I can only imagine the horror that my mother experienced that made her who she is today.  She hasn't told me about it - probably never will - but little things slip out and I get the impression that she had to go and take my grandfather home from bars when she was as young as 11 and that my grandmother attempted suicide 3times and my mother was the one who found her each time.  I know BPDs are really difficult people, but I think it's very important that we also have compassion for them and the situations that made them who they are.  I try to have compassion for my mother and when she is making no sense, or being emotionally abusive, I try to see her as the helpless and frightened little girl she was.  This really helps me to not be provoked by her and to try to be kinder and more affirming to her.

This statement really resonated with me. My uBPD mother had a horrific childhood, and she and my father never let us kids forget it. It was her "get out of jail" card every time she beat my sister or brother or screamed obscenities at us. We were always forced to forgive her because of her history. It wasn't until I had my own daughter  and compared my parenting to their parenting that a light bulb went off. I was abused and new how much it hurt, so I refused to have my daughter experience that pain.  I told my father that if their childhood's (they both claim abuse) were so bad, how could they visit that upon us? Wouldn't they want to do everything to prevent us from experiencing that pain? It pretty much fell on deaf ears. What I did discover is that it served them well. They always had an excuse for their behaviors, whether they repeated them each time or not, we knew not to challenge them because of this knowledge.

I am so happy to hear that your are seeking therapy and want to offer a suggestion that you share with your therapist what you have shared here about your feelings of obligation and guilt. It sounds as if your mother has set you up as her caretaker and is using her misfortune to coerce you into compliance.

Just remember that you are not responsible for her happiness or unhappiness. You are only responsible for you. Being a codependent myself, this was a huge epiphany for me. I thought that I was to take care of everyone. Yes, even those needy, self-centered men who I encountered. I felt OBLIGATED to cater to everyone's needs.

I say all this to tell you there is hope. I turn 50 this year. I have been NC for ten years this fall. I had to make the decision to break all ties to regain my sanity and to heal. I am not suggesting that you go NC, but I will suggest that you develop the skills to communicate your needs and keep firm to your boundaries. There is a great article on this site which outlines how to communicate with a BPD. Check out the home page articles on relationship tools. It has gotten better for me, and it will get better for you.

Just remember to focus on you, and not your mom. This is exactly what your mom wants and needs from you.

Wishing you peace and blessings!