Am I crazy?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Trying to seek clarity. I know the dangers of placing a diagnosis on someone who hasn't been formally diagnosed, but if my ex isn't BPD then he appears to have several traits. It's been several months since we've broken up and I find myself still thinking about him, replaying conversations in my head and thinking if only I did or said something differently. The hardest part is dealing with the switch from being all to this person to nothing. In reality I know there is nothing I could have done differently to get a different outcome. The signs were there, disclosing personal information with 24 hours of reconnecting, professing his plan to marry me in less than a month of talking, stories of violence and physical acts against friends and those who had wronged or disrespected him in the past, admitting to hundreds of former sexual partners, being cheated on and wronged by past girlfriends and that every long term relationship ended with him being cheated on... .yet I still fell for the "I'm a changed man" speech. I had hoped to maintain a friendship with this person, but it doesn't appear possible. As someone who views themselves as pretty headstrong and independent, not sure why I care about this person I had to walk around eggshells around and who had another girlfriend with 3 days of our breakup... .I might be the crazy one.

[Tater tot]

Trying to seek clarity. I know the dangers of placing a diagnosis on someone who hasn't been formally diagnosed, but if my ex isn't BPD then he appears to have several traits. It's been several months since we've broken up and I find myself still thinking about him, replaying conversations in my head and thinking if only I did or said something differently. The hardest part is dealing with the switch from being all to this person to nothing. In reality I know there is nothing I could have done differently to get a different outcome. The signs were there, disclosing personal information with 24 hours of reconnecting, professing his plan to marry me in less than a month of talking, stories of violence and physical acts against friends and those who had wronged or disrespected him in the past, admitting to hundreds of former sexual partners, being cheated on and wronged by past girlfriends and that every long term relationship ended with him being cheated on... .yet I still fell for the "I'm a changed man" speech. I had hoped to maintain a friendship with this person, but it doesn't appear possible. As someone who views themselves as pretty headstrong and independent, not sure why I care about this person I had to walk around eggshells around and who had another girlfriend with 3 days of our breakup... .I might be the crazy one.

[enlighten me]

No your not crazy. While we all have our own issues to deal with it doesn't make us crazy for feeling the way we do.

Breaking up with a BPD and from your description it sounds like your ex was is the hardest thing to do. For some reason whether its they got so deep inside our heads and hearts or whether its a form of chemical addiction we just cant seem to shake them. Well not at first anyway.

I have had two uBPD relationships. The first was a complete nightmare to get over. I fealt like my world had ended. My second was a lot easier as I had learnt from my previous mistakes. Don't get me wrong it still hurt like hell and I still always think of her but I am not suffering the heartache like I did.

This is one of the most common topics on here and there are plenty of people sharing their thoughts and experiences.

My personal quick (relatively speaking) fix has been to think the worst of my ex. Use the anger and resentment to put all thoughts of reconciliation behind me. Then I have used the anger for improvement. I have learned to relax again which is something I wasn't able to do while around her.

There are a lot of people here who show signs of PTSD so one of the things I would recommend is removing your trigger by going NC.

Then you have to look after yourself. There have been a lot of interesting discussions in the past few days that point to us nons as having elevated levels of the hormone cortisol. This is what keeps us on edge.

Mild exercise, music, dance, massage, hot baths, healthy organic eating, cutting out nicotine, caffeine and alcohol all reduce our cortisol levels.

This will make you feel less tense and sleep better.

Learning about the condition also helps. Do not get it in your head though that because you understand it you can help them. Only they can help themselves.

Another thing that helped me was getting it off my chest. Talking to anyone that would listen and posting my story here until I got to the point I was bored hearing it.

I hope you find the advice and answers you are looking for.

Good luck

[goldylamont]

being around the type of individual you describe can definitely make you feel crazy. it took a few months for me to look at myself and kind of gain a solid base back before i was firm and understood that i wasn't 'crazy' in a sense. it's difficult because when you are empathic with someone who doesn't live in the same reality we do, we start to question whether our version of events was true at all.

my ex was undiagnosed or at least she never told me if she was. but, she fits most of the DSM traits. and even to a further degree her behavior and our r/s story is like a carbon copy of many here. keep posting and learning. and consider getting therapy yourself as this has helped many people as well. i've actually heard that often times a pwBPD is found because the partner (us) actually goes to a therapist thinking something is wrong with them, yet after a while the therapist finds out that it's not only you but that you are in an emotionally abusive r/s.

your relationship and it's end are not normal. jumping from one relationship to the next in the blink of an eye is not something normal people do. so don't feel bad about not feeling normal. this wasn't a normal breakup, ok? it sounds like you have a solid foundation to build upon to heal. keep posting and learning  

[Popcorn71]

Trying to seek clarity. I know the dangers of placing a diagnosis on someone who hasn't been formally diagnosed, but if my ex isn't BPD then he appears to have several traits. It's been several months since we've broken up and I find myself still thinking about him, replaying conversations in my head and thinking if only I did or said something differently. The hardest part is dealing with the switch from being all to this person to nothing. In reality I know there is nothing I could have done differently to get a different outcome. The signs were there, disclosing personal information with 24 hours of reconnecting, professing his plan to marry me in less than a month of talking, stories of violence and physical acts against friends and those who had wronged or disrespected him in the past, admitting to hundreds of former sexual partners, being cheated on and wronged by past girlfriends and that every long term relationship ended with him being cheated on... .yet I still fell for the "I'm a changed man" speech. I had hoped to maintain a friendship with this person, but it doesn't appear possible. As someone who views themselves as pretty headstrong and independent, not sure why I care about this person I had to walk around eggshells around and who had another girlfriend with 3 days of our breakup... .I might be the crazy one.

With the exception of the hundreds of sexual partners, I could have written this word for word.

A year later, I still think I must have something wrong with me.  I feel crazy too.  I must be mad to still be thinking of him.

All I can say is that after reading so many similar stories on here, maybe this is the normal reaction to the crap we have been through.  One day perhaps we will stop feeling so crazy.  I hope that day comes soon.   

[Tater tot]

Thank you all for the words of supportive and feedback. I have started seeing a therapist to process through these feelings because I quickly recognized that how I was responding and reacting to this situation was not my "normal" self. I realize that I am a rescuer and part of what drew me in and has kept me hooked is that desire to help him or save him, show him that there is someone who can love him unconditionally. I know it's not up to anyone but himself to do, but hard to shake that desire or tendency to do that. I'm trying to implement NC but it's hard. Right now he wants nothing to do with me but I worry at some point that he will reappear and if so will I be smart enough and strong enough to ignore him.

[walksoftly]

Hi Tater Tot,

You are not crazy... .you are normal and that is our problem... .we are normal and they are not. My ex left me for another man as soon as I was kicked out of the family home. She told me he was a gentleman because he wouldnt make love to her until this occurred and then told me how she had sex with him. It was a very messy divorce - and this guy is going through his third messy divorce.

My therapist asked me why I would put up with this woman for ten years- she was bulimic, violent and always manufactured chaos... we lose ourselves in them always hoping they will get through the most recent problem in their life.

So yes, you probably are feeling crazy... becasue you are trying to process your emotions. Your ex doesnt have the emotional intelligence to process emotions so its easy for them to discard you and move on so quickly to another source of suppy... .and yes... .they consider people as sources as supply.

[Recooperating]

I have asked myself so many times if I was the crazy one! I went into T before my ex did. He did get diagnosed... .I do have issues, codependency... .And after he would unleash his anger on me... .I would eventually yell and scream at him for hurting me AGAIN for no reason. I got nasty! I never ever had been in a fight before, I never yelled at some one... .But he got out the very worst in me. Great for him, cause I gave him excuse to tell me I was the BPD one, not him. And for awhile I really questionned my sanity. My T disagreed and ensured me I was not... .But I shouldnt have yelled ofcourse... .

I still sometimes question my sanity, but I came to a conclusion... .

I am not crazy... .I was a fool... .Big difference

[walksoftly]

Hi recooperating,

I was incredibly shocked when she left-she had so much distain for me- she was disgusted by me-so much hate. I had no idea where it was coming from- the only explanation is that they revert to these basic emotions when they are in crisis- hate, infatuation. They cant feel like we feel becasue of childhood trauma and yes she had incredible trauma. They call it splitting black- black or white- It took me awhile to understand her... .and I had to try to understand her so I could heal. She told me that it was my fault that she hit me becasue I wasnt man enough... .geesh

[fromheeltoheal]

Whether or not he is diagnosed or exhibits traits doesn't really matter, beyond connecting with us here, folks who have stories that are identical to yours; that in itself can allow us to feel uncrazy, it's validating.  What matters is that you said the signs were there that a relationship with him was not a good idea, and you found yourself walking on eggshells around him, meaning you were anxious and trying not to say or do something that would set him off.  Been there, done that.  What matters is that relationship was not good for you, and therefore it ending is a good thing.

There's lots of growth to be had picking apart every piece of the relationship and analyzing your beliefs about yourself, him, and the relationship, and what behaviors those beliefs resulted in.  You're going to ruminate for a while anyway, so might as well make it useful, but don't do things like label yourself crazy, it's disempowering.  Someone who exhibits BPD traits had an agenda before he met you, one centered around not being abandoned, and will do whatever they can to avoid it, including lying, manipulating, mirroring, whatever, and they've lived a life completely full of conflict, since the way they're wired is conflicted, so they're much better at it than we are.  If you get everything blamed on you for a while and are presented with things that just don't feel right, and are lied to by a master liar, you will start to doubt yourself, and that doubt will linger after the relationship ends.  That digging I mentioned may just eliminate that doubt, it did for me, since I discovered my head and heart were in the right place the entire time, I just picked someone who couldn't reciprocate; very validating that, and discovering the reasons I stayed has been very growth-inducing.  You may be just where you're supposed to be; make use of it, because life is awesome on the other side.  Take care of you!

[Tater tot]

Whether or not he is diagnosed or exhibits traits doesn't really matter, beyond connecting with us here, folks who have stories that are identical to yours; that in itself can allow us to feel uncrazy, it's validating.  What matters is that you said the signs were there that a relationship with him was not a good idea, and you found yourself walking on eggshells around him, meaning you were anxious and trying not to say or do something that would set him off.  Been there, done that.  What matters is that relationship was not good for you, and therefore it ending is a good thing.

There's lots of growth to be had picking apart every piece of the relationship and analyzing your beliefs about yourself, him, and the relationship, and what behaviors those beliefs resulted in.  You're going to ruminate for a while anyway, so might as well make it useful, but don't do things like label yourself crazy, it's disempowering.  Someone who exhibits BPD traits had an agenda before he met you, one centered around not being abandoned, and will do whatever they can to avoid it, including lying, manipulating, mirroring, whatever, and they've lived a life completely full of conflict, since the way they're wired is conflicted, so they're much better at it than we are.  If you get everything blamed on you for a while and are presented with things that just don't feel right, and are lied to by a master liar, you will start to doubt yourself, and that doubt will linger after the relationship ends.  That digging I mentioned may just eliminate that doubt, it did for me, since I discovered my head and heart were in the right place the entire time, I just picked someone who couldn't reciprocate; very validating that, and discovering the reasons I stayed has been very growth-inducing.  You may be just where you're supposed to be; make use of it, because life is awesome on the other side.  Take care of you!

Thank you for such an insightful reply. It is true I recognize (d) that this wasn't a good relationship and need to keep that at the forefront of my thoughts. Also it's true there was an agenda before we started talking again, in that he was looking for someone to rebuild his life with, accept his child as their own and knew I was a good person who would never cheat on him. So really it was never about me, but about him.

[merm49]

It's funny, before an MD cousin of mine floated the idea that the x was likely BPD and I began reading up on it--to which she fit all the parameters--I had identified a lot of the behaviors/feelings I experienced using the same buzzwords we use here: repeated  push/pull, unexplained mood swings, walking on eggshells, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.  I was thinking some sort of bipolarity given she said she'd had/underwent some depressive episodes while we were together, though that didn't quite fit due to the unfettered way she would rage and criticize me as well as the rapidity of the love/hate and up/down phases, which would sometimes occur literally within the same sentence. 

Knowing what I know now has allowed for a lot of introspection and T, which remains but an early and most definitely ongoing process.  Having grown up w/ an NPD/aspergers dad (diagnosed about 4 years ago) I have that drive to be accommodating/fixing and I guess was drawn to her, among other reasons.  I know when i'm feeling down about things, I come on here to read and interact with the fellow board members.  It's particularly helpful, as we're really the only community that understands the intense pain/conflict/uncertainty these relationships cause us nons.  Hang in there.

[sirius]

when my r/s ended, i went to see a T and a P to get myself diagnosed if there was something wrong with me and instead after describing the kind of relationship i was in for 13 years, i was told that my ex (and not me) could have traits of cluster B or BPD and that is when I found out about BPD and this site. I insisted to my P perhaps I too is insane, at that time i thought i was.

6 months from then, here I am, i thought i was insane or crazy because of that