How do I stop loving him? The aching pain?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's absolutely insane that after what that man has done to me and to our kids that my heart would still love him  

My heart hurts so bad sometimes that it takes my breath away. I'm a relatively intelligent person, I know what he has done is horrendous, I know I will never deal with what he has done but my heart still aches for him. It is relatively early days for me but argh I want it to stop  

He keeps asking me to take him back, begging me tbh. He can't cope with what he's done, what he's lost, he doesn't know how he will survive etc. I know he is emotionally trying to manipulate me. I know it's still all about him in his world. I just want my heart to stop hurting  

[IceQueenSunday]

It's absolutely insane that after what that man has done to me and to our kids that my heart would still love him  

My heart hurts so bad sometimes that it takes my breath away. I'm a relatively intelligent person, I know what he has done is horrendous, I know I will never deal with what he has done but my heart still aches for him. It is relatively early days for me but argh I want it to stop  

He keeps asking me to take him back, begging me tbh. He can't cope with what he's done, what he's lost, he doesn't know how he will survive etc. I know he is emotionally trying to manipulate me. I know it's still all about him in his world. I just want my heart to stop hurting  

[BuildingFromScratch]

Here's the things I've learned from all of this, that keeps me from trying again.

1) Needy love doesn't work. Look at all the insecurities and lack of boundaries that helped make the relationship unhealthy.

2) BPD takes many years of effort to heal from and that's not happening soon

3) Even if I care about her and try to forgive her, my heart will never trust her again.

4) Wait a second here, I was abused until I was a walking corpse and then thrown away? What the heck? Screw her

Sorry, that was a bit off topic. We all feel an inner conflict about them. The pain just takes a lot of time. I found that I let her go over time, as I accepted certain realities about her behavior and how everything is about her. Like a bottomless pit.

[drummerboy]

I know exactly how you feel. My uBPD exgf treated me so horribly at the end and yet here I am 6 months later still thinking about her all the time. They seem to capture our hearts very deeply at the start, the idealisation phase. It's a sugar high, it's as addictive as crack cocaine, but it's not real. Did yours tell you that you are the love of his life? Did he tell you that he had never loved anyone like he loves you? It's intoxicating stuff but there is no reality about it. What has helped me is realising I was dealing with a person with the emotional maturity of a 5 year old. She was also totally self absorbed, everything was about her. I don't think she was ever interested in how I was doing once she had hooked me. Her life was a continual crisis of her own making. The question you probably need to start asking yourself is why would I want to be with someone like that? Another good question to ask yourself is what aspects of yourself do you need to work on so that you never take the bait like this again? I think many of us in here have co-depency issues, that's the type that take the nonsense talk of them wanting to get married after just a few weeks. Good luck and feel free to PM if you just want to vent, that always helps.

[IceQueenSunday]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply to me, it helps so much knowing that that support is there. In my rational mind I know that I would never take him back after putting our kids at such risk. I know that I do not accept that and would not accept that, but my heart is a whole different matter. It's like I know for as long as I live and even beyond that I will always love him and be in love with him. Like I can be so strong for the kids but for myself I just want to switch off?

What would I ever do if he did follow through on his threats? I know it would not be my fault or responsibility but I know I would blame myself. Would my kids blame me for not taking him back? My whole mind feels like it's a war zone x

[trappedinlove]

Dear, I know how you feel.  Although my background is different than yours I loved my uBPDxso more than anyone else I've ever loved before. I had such a strong bond with her I felt one with her just by looking at each other eyes. This feeling of being twin souls was instantaneous and it sustained still.

Personally I decided to detach lovingly and to accept my love as it is without fighting it and it normalized over time. It becomes less addictive and hurts less. When we broke up I felt physically amputated. Like someone tore away a part if me, the pain was so intense not to mention the emotional pain I was in.

But the level of pain not the only measure of love.  For me truly loving her also means radically accepting her for who she is, for better or worse. It doesn't mean accepting her behavior unconditionally though, only her as a person with the disorder. I feel no need to paint her black, just to peacefully detach and let be.

[Promises]

I know exactly how you feel. My uBPD exgf treated me so horribly at the end and yet here I am 6 months later still thinking about her all the time. They seem to capture our hearts very deeply at the start, the idealisation phase. It's a sugar high, it's as addictive as crack cocaine, but it's not real. Did yours tell you that you are the love of his life? Did he tell you that he had never loved anyone like he loves you? It's intoxicating stuff but there is no reality about it. What has helped me is realising I was dealing with a person with the emotional maturity of a 5 year old. She was also totally self absorbed, everything was about her. I don't think she was ever interested in how I was doing once she had hooked me. Her life was a continual crisis of her own making. The question you probably need to start asking yourself is why would I want to be with someone like that? Another good question to ask yourself is what aspects of yourself do you need to work on so that you never take the bait like this again? I think many of us in here have co-depency issues, that's the type that take the nonsense talk of them wanting to get married after just a few weeks. Good luck and feel free to PM if you just want to vent, that always helps.

exactly.  I was the love of his life, hell never love anyone again, he's never loved this much... .goes on and on.  Realizing that wasn't true has been the most painful part for me.  I bought it and I'm still very much in love with him despite his vindictive, selfish, hateful behavior.  He told me no one will ever love me as much as he does.  I hope they don't if that's the kind of love they're giving me.  I love him and miss him everyday yet he was mentally abusive.  Doesn't make sense.  I was flattered and wish my self worth hadn't depended on that because now I'm trying to get it back.

[IceQueenSunday]

Thank you so much. I'm really really struggling tonight. I just don't know how I can carry on 'being strong' for the kids when I sometimes feel like I can't breathe. He's taken himself away on holiday to turkey to 'escape' as he can't cope. And he still continues to text me even from there about how he will always love me and he can't survive without me and he wishes he could turn back time blah blah blah  

[caprice]

Hi IceQueenSunday,

It takes a long long long time.  In my case it's been 11 months and counting... .and I still think about recycling... .almost taking on his behaviour.  When I'm really really low, I want to contact him in the worst way.

You have to allow yourself time to go through the stages of grieving.  In my case the worst ones were denial, anger and sadness.  I have kids too so time alone is tough.  In my case, I would walk the dog in the woods and cry when nobody was around.  Almost daily.  Sometimes I didn't know what I was crying about... .the loss of a dream perhaps?

My therapist said to me once, "Just because the pain is so intense doesn't mean the love was meant to be."  I think there is a part of me that thinks if I can still grieve him so much so long after it's over then surely we're soulmates and meant to be together? My exNPD didn't rage at me ever... .but there was enough emotional manipulation so that he could get what he wanted that made me question the whole relationship and I choose to leave before things got worse.

IT was and still is an intense attachment.  But you know what?  Even though I still think of him constantly... .when he contacted me two weeks ago I didn't freak out.  I'm still shocked by that.  I thought for sure I would be swept again... .but I ignored him and life moved on.  So there are days when everything feels normal and days where you just want to hide under the covers.

Allow yourself time to heal and grieve.  And when you start obsessing, give yourself a time limit, then get up, dust off your pants and go for a walk or do the dishes or play with your kids.  Life will get better.

[IceQueenSunday]

Thank you caprice for taking the time to reply, your words resonate with me a lot right now and I find a lot of strength in them, thank you x

I trying very hard to break that contact right now, I have said bye a few times and he keeps contacting me, manipulating in his own ways. The reason I responded today is because I walked out of the door of my local shop (2 streets away) to be faced with the woman he cheated with. Finding that extremely difficult tbh  I responded mostly in anger which probably wasn't a good thing but right now I don't feel very in control of my emotions. He chose this time of importance setting up contact with the kids to go away to turkey on holiday, missing  three very important contacts. Selfish through and through. I told him if he's still putting himself before the kids after what he has done how does he expect me to just carry on letting him mess them about? I have told him to find a solicitor.  x

[IceQueenSunday]

Oh he's still texting and emailing all the time even from turkey with his apologies and his manipulation, he even said to me :-

'True love never dies I became bad I shouldn't be here im not rewarding my self Im trying to survive without you how im I suppose to carry on I thought angles help those who are fallen even when they are hurt because of them'

Trying to manipulate me into still supporting him? He's threatening suicide a lot too? Don't know if it's for manipulation or there's any truth to his words but he has his family he is with to talk to. He is still inside my head I need to shut off x

[trappedinlove]

Oh he's still texting and emailing all the time even from turkey with his apologies and his manipulation, he even said to me :-

'True love never dies I became bad I shouldn't be here im not rewarding my self Im trying to survive without you how im I suppose to carry on I thought angles help those who are fallen even when they are hurt because of them'

Trying to manipulate me into still supporting him? He's threatening suicide a lot too? Don't know if it's for manipulation or there's any truth to his words but he has his family he is with to talk to. He is still inside my head I need to shut off x

IQS, how do you relate to the following "script" of a r/s with a pwBPD?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Interpreting his words as manipulation is one way of looking at it and it may or may not be true.

Like any other person, some BPD's are more manipulative than others and some act out of more genuine distress.

Either way, the r/s with him is toxic to you so you have to focus on YOU and take care of YOU first.

Don't expect a switch to go in your head that will shut his presence off in an instant.

Unfortunately, detachment in most cases is a process, not an event.

For me, I had to accept this state of being as something I'll need to deal with over the long term and I feel it decaying over time

and the pain dissolves even without going completely away.  And there are setbacks from time to time and that's ok too, this is how we're built.

You are a loving and compassionate person and you're hurt because you exposed myself. You loved with all my heart, you trusted a close person, and this person hurt you, maybe inadvertently, because of a disorder he has.  Who do you wanna be?

I know I rather stay vulnerable despite what the personal inventory I'm taking with me from this relationship.

I know so much more about myself, about others and about relationships, so remember to appreciate the opportunity to grow,  we can come stronger on the other side.

TIL