Am I cold hearted and lacking empathy or just at peace?

[power thru]

Hello all. I am currently in the process of divorce from my udstbxw of 2yrs. I have been out of the house we own for roughly 3 months now and during that time I went complete NC and still am to date other than one email a month I send her in regards to bills (which she has not given me a dime of or responded to). I did not depart the residence in the manner that I had hoped for. I had to leave immediately because the verbal abuse was at an all time high and things were edging themselves towards a possible physical attack... .not at my hands mind you. If it was up to me I would have sat down my SD's and told them that me and their mom were having problems and that it was no way their fault and that I loved and cared about them and was sorry that things had to end this way. I did not get that opportunity so that saddens me.

Before I left my residence, my stbx would persistently be in my face and bulldog me for "closure" as to why I wanted a divorce. I would explain it the best I could but she would incite circular arguments for hours until I was agitated and lashed out or just became exhausted. The more she fought with me, the more disconnected and turned off so to speak I would become. Her constant negativity, her constant need for attention, her constant ailments/aka need for attention, her over dramatizing life's trivial things and her constant criticism of how I was not normal and not a good husband wore me down to nothing. I was a shell of who I used to be.

Ever since I moved out, it as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm once again at peace however something bothers me... .I don't miss my stbx at all. I'm not sure if this is ok or normal. I have read countless posts on here where nons are saying that they are crushed and heartbroken and the miss all the good times they had together and if they knew that their BPD would seek counseling they may give it another go. I don't feel that way at ALL!

I don't think about her, I don't miss her and I have never fantasized about us working things out. What this tells me is that I never really loved her like she claimed to love me. I was never head over heels for her and I never had those moments where I couldn't wait to get off of work to see my wife. It's sad really. I feel bad for feeling like that but I feel how I feel. It wasn't always like this or else I wouldn't have married her but over time as she exposed the "real her" I started to not recognize her any longer and little things she would say and do would leave me in a state of "what the heck was that all about?" The more negative she became, the more she repulsed me until I wanted nothing to do with her any longer.

So with that said, has anyone ever not missed their BPD after moving on? Have you ever thought to yourself good riddance? I do miss my SD's but it would be near impossible to maintain a relationship with them and stay NC with the stbx.

On a final note I would like to add that I was emotionally checked out of the relationship long before I left. I initiated the divorce and I do acknowledge my part in the demise of my marriage. I didn't love her like a husband should love his wife, and I did not speak up when she did things that bothered me until it was too late, although I do think that had I spoken up earlier things would have still been blown up into cataclysmic proportions. I am currently at peace and awaiting my mediation date. I'm not angry with her, in fact I feel bad for her. I hope that she can either find someone to love her for who she is or that can help her... .I just want no part of it (BPD) ever again from her or anyone.

[rockinne]

I don't miss my ex  BPD in the least and like you am at peace with no longer taking the emotional abuse and manipulation that I got from her.  I think we realize the emotional liberation from their control and freedom from the constant guilt and shame they constantly heaped on us just for being ourselves. 

I stayed too long in my marriage and the children paid a tremendous price.  My relationship with them was traumatized, and their respect for me was devastated.  As I am healing, I am able to get work on patching our relationship and gaining their love and respect.  I am finally able to be myself and love them for who they are rather than feel shamed and guilty for being the father I was by staying in the hopeless marriage and loveless relationship with their mother.  I gave up my dignity for far too long.  I suspect that may be part of what you may be going through now.  I say congratulations for feeling that liberation. Good for you for not feeling guilt or shame like you probably did every day you were in the relationship.  It is now time to heal.  It is now time for us to finally realize some happiness. 

[Rise]

This is what I got from what you wrote:

You fell in love with someone. You married that person. Turns out she's not that person. You're married to someone else, that you wouldn't have married to begin with. Not only that, the person you married turned out to be unstable and abusive. Why should you miss that? Why should you miss someone that would treat you like that?

To me, it just sounds like you've done what so many of us struggle to do and recognize your ex not as the woman you fell for at the beginning of your relationship, but as the troubled individual she really is. There's no shame in that. It's actually what most of us should be trying to do.

And if you wake up someday and do miss the woman you thought you were marrying, that's fine too. Things sneak up on us sometimes. Until that time comes though, I wouldn't worry about it. Focus on you, and your happiness.

[power thru]

Thanks Rock and Rise. Your comments helped me put things in a new perspective.

[Theo41]

I agree with everything that's been said. When someone treats u badly on a consistent basis, it's not healthy or normal to love them and miss them. In my case I get lots of good treatment too. It's like black or white; no in between . If it were all black I would have to leave. There would be no good feelings left . I might be lonely but would not go back. I'm very surprised when I read the posts u referred to: "I'm treated horribly but I can't leave because I love him/her so much." I have to struggle to understand that.

Abuse should not engender love. Theo

[freedom33]

Sounds like you are at peace after you have been worn down over a period of time with abuse and other nasty behaviours. Perfectly healthy.

[Boss302]

I had a very similar experience to yours. After 17 years, I had enough, and left. There were also some other triggers that sent me out the door. Our living situation was not tenable, and BPDx began to verbally abuse one of our kids, which I threatened to divorce her over if she didn't stop (which didn't work). But despite all that, in the end it was about ME. I finally stopped submerging myself in the marriage and her endless needs, and began to think about what I needed from life. And what I needed was to get as far away from BPDx as possible (as far away as you can get when you have kids together, in any case).

The only regret I have is that the divorce caused the kids pain. I wish it hadn't, but it did. But did I ever feel cold hearted for leaving BPDx? Not really. She had this coming. Sounds like your ex did too. Instead of feeling guilty, feel FREE. You have a choice.