Which one of us is nuts

[PyneappleDays]

I'm sitting here trying to figure out which one needs to go in the looney bin first her or me?

My dd is 19 going on 20 on OW has moved 35 (approx.) times in the last 2 or 3 years since she's taken off.  I have posted many things on her here (website).

She's 2 months from delivering first 1st child.  She was in a relationship with the father now they've broken up and he's moved on.  She was in a program facility for underage pregnant teens.  The facility was geared to helping them set up and continuing their education and finding housing.  No she had to leave because of her anxiety and she was afraid of being out of her controlled element.  Her then bf could not come see her.  She lost him anyways due to her anxiety manipulating behaviour of all things fb.

I told her to get help stay in the manor (residence) and get off fb.  Blaming fb is not the issue.

Her self-destructive behaviour is about to come to a crashing end.  CAS is looking for her she can't get back in the manor (they're full) and she's missed 2 apt with another residence.  I've talked to her doctor and he told me in not so many words he wishes she hadn't got pregnant and he will do his job.  He gave me the name of the worker in his hospital. 

I've said this before I cannot take the child.   She won’t do the work that’s required.  I have no clue as what to do.  I know how this is going to end and there is nothing I can do about it.

I still think that the best thing for this unborn baby is to go to a good family who can fully support it and give it the family life that it deserves.  As for dd I have no idea how this is going to affect her?

What do you do when they won’t listen and they won’t seek help?  I’m exhausted with her bouncing it back to me.

I keep wrestling with myself and my husband about her moving back in with me.  A sense of motherly duty and being scared senseless.  I so want her to move in because she’s not ready to be out there.  She wants to move in because she’s scared.  I can’t have her move in because of the lying steeling not getting help or follow up sleeping in till noon.  I don’t want another child that she’s supposed to look after.  She will cause a larger rift between me and my husband.  She doesn’t want to move in because she won’t like us natter at her my husband making her toe the line.  I will never get a moments peace.

Her real father’s ½ way on the other side of the continent were apparently karma doesn’t reach, sleeping obliviously.

On second thought I think I’ll just commit myself she’s probably still asleep.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PyneappleDays]

Update.  Ok so she has an apt with CAS and the RTC place on the same date.  fingers crossed she gets in.

[pessim-optimist]

Update.  Ok so she has an apt with CAS and the RTC place on the same date.  fingers crossed she gets in.

That sounds encouraging - how long will she stay there if she gets in? Where is the baby going to be born that way?

[HealingSpirit]

Dear PineappleDays,

I'm so sorry to hear of all the painful, heart wrenching struggles with your pregnant DD!  BPD is the most frustrating illness!  It's already hard to be a teenager, even harder to raise one.  But add BPD into the mix, and sometimes it feels impossible.

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that she gets into the RTC.  As for not wanting to raise her baby, I think I would feel the same way you do.  Everyone has different limits and abilities to tolerate stress.  Raising a grandchild would make me hit my limits, so I understand where you're coming from.  I'm praying that she gets into the RTC and that they are able to help her realize she is in no way ready to take on the responsibility of raising a child when she can't even care for herself yet.

This situation is so hard.  Hang in there and let us know how it turns out.

[PyneappleDays]

So I'm sitting with dd waiting for the intake.  I txt dh cause I'm scared.  He says "what's with the drama?  She doesn't have cancer."  So I txt back this me needing supoort.  Thanks."  She got in.  Yeah, phew.

No she doesn't have cancer and yes she needs to be able to work the program to stay in.  She was told earlier by CAS is was RTC, us or (they would take the child not verbalized).

Support is a wonderful thing.  I'm exhausted.  I'm just waiting for the " What's the problem" from both of them.

[HealingSpirit]

Oh, I'm so glad she got in!  It won't be easy for her, but it will certainly help YOU to overcome your exhaustion.  You poor thing!

Please keep us posted on her progress... .and yours.  Your DH sounds a bit like mine.  Rather clueless, isn't he?   LOL!  I understand how hard it is to need support for yourself sometimes, and it hurts when DH can't deliver.  Is there any chance you two could have a little couples counseling to learn some validation skills while your DD is safely in the RTC? 

[PyneappleDays]

This place is for teen pregnancy and to assess train and assist them through parenthood and help they navigate the system as well as outpatient support.  They also will address her mental state.  Do not get me wrong she is a sweet kid but she needs to address her mental issues as well.  I think that what is best for the child.  It's just how to support dd without being a crutch.

As for a rest probably not it's just something new.  I swear they're tag teaming me.  Either DD or DH bot go "no it's her, no it's him” Then I get "you’re doing this to yourself. Just tell the other person no"

Thanks

[PyneappleDays]

Ok, Here we go again because I helped dd move into the RTC DH is not talking to me.  He feels as though helping her move I'm enabling her.  She should have moved herself in.  I'm working.  She has all day.  Supposedly she has friend=ds who should have helped her.  I'm not supporting his decision that she got herself into this.

Never mind that this is a good thing and she 7 moths pregnant.

I can't win.

[SeaSprite]

Oh boy, I think DH is confused about what enabling means. Helping someone get help is the opposite of enabling. 

If she is moving into an RTC, seems like it's being supportive to help her do that? 

I hope you and DH can work through this, it's amazing how the stress created by one pwBPD spreads to everyone they touch. 

[HealingSpirit]

Ok, Here we go again because I helped dd move into the RTC DH is not talking to me.  He feels as though helping her move I'm enabling her.  She should have moved herself in.  I'm working.  She has all day.  Supposedly she has friends who should have helped her.  I'm not supporting his decision that she got herself into this.

Never mind that this is a good thing and she 7 moths pregnant.

I can't win.

Oh PynappleDays,

This is soo hard!  I hate it when my DH and I do not agree with what consequences to use (or not) with our BPDD17!  It's even worse since you didn't get the chance to negotiate or discuss matters and come to consensus before taking action.  My DH doesn't give me a chance to negotiate either when it comes to our DD.  I get soo frustrated because DH undermines the limits I set, and he frequently sets me up to be the heavy, which causes additional problems between DD and me.

I agree with you that helping your DD move into the place where she will be helping herself is showing your support, not enabling.  And at 7 months, she probably shouldn't be lifting anything heavy.

When I listen to your story with empathy, I hear that your DH has a lot of anger about this BPD/Pregnancy/RTC situation.  Do you think this could be why he is digging in his heels?  Maybe if you show him that you understand his anger, he will feel heard and cool off.  I'd be angry too, but I would still show my support, despite my anger, whenever  DD heads in a healthy direction. And when I'm angry, I have a much harder time being supportive because my anger clouds my view of the situation.

BPD has a way of bringing out the best and the worst in us, doesn't it?

  Let us know how it goes... .

[PyneappleDays]

Ok it's now getting worst .  I was just given an altimatum.  If RTC doesn't work a dd has to live we both can leave.  No this is not abuse?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

I am sorry PyneappleDays that it's getting worse. It must be a very emotionally charged time - I am not sure I understand what you meant by your last post... .

Who's talking? Who is supposed to leave?

Please take some deep breaths, in any case, it's not happening yet. 

[PyneappleDays]

Dh told me that under no circumstance is dd moving back in with us .  If the situation is that leaves RTC that I either tell her to fend for herself or I could move out and live with her.

[pessim-optimist]

I see... .That must be really tough to feel like you need to choose... .

It looks like your dh's absolute boundary is that he doesn't want dd living at your home.

Is that something you can live with?

[SeaSprite]

Oh ouch! You must be a mash up of emotions right now.

Is there any way for you and dh to take a day or two to stop and breathe?

And then a counselor or mediator or someone to help you and h to talk through your concerns and options?



If there is any way to try to slow down and cool down be for making any big decisions... .

Please take care of you.

[HealingSpirit]

Dh told me that under no circumstance is dd moving back in with us .  If the situation is that leaves RTC that I either tell her to fend for herself or I could move out and live with her.

Oh dear! It sounds like DH has reached his limit.  And you're at yours for different reasons. There are no simple solutions, and everybody has different limits. I hope you and DH are able to work through this potential issue, if she can't stay in RTC. In the meantime, try to stay calm. I know it's hard, but there is no point getting worked up about a potential problem that hasn't happened yet. (Please remind me of my own advice, as I tend to forget this simple truth easily. ) hang in there!

[PyneappleDays]

Ok we're having a girl.  DD is still in the center.  DD and DH are still going at it with me in the center  .  The baby is due in 3-4 weeks and stll hasn't turned around.

I wish there was a test to tell me if this baby will have anything passed on from the mother. Everything I read this mental illness is created.  Fingers crossed

[pessim-optimist]

Congratulations - you're going to be a grandma!

There is no predicting whether she what combination of genes she will have. Let's hope for the best!

[mggt]

Dear Pineapple,  Im sorry your dh is not more understanding this disease is so terrible it attacks all of us in one way or another.    My d also had a baby girl 2 1/2 years ago and we are in love with her my d just moved back home couple of weeks ago with my gd .  We really did not want her back here but we were worried about our gd our d was living in a dump in a bad area so we agreed.  It has been hell ever since she moved back in screaming swearing Im ready for a nervous breakdown but we did it for our gd  just think long and hard before you let her move back home if that is your plan if she keeps the baby you will also fall in love and my d uses this against us holds the baby over our heads so to speak .  AS of now my and my h hardly speak to each other because of our d, our d is a master of manipulation . I also babysit for my gd so we have her alot and by then end of the week on friday I am exhausted gd spends weekends with other grandparents .  All that being said I could not imagine my life with out our gd we are in love .  Take time to weigh all your options and good luck