need some help with managing kids and BPD grandmother

[Lulu1313]

I have 3 kids, 12 9 and 5 yrs old. We have talked to them in regards to their grandmother's illness and how that translates to our relationships with her. My in laws currently have a restraining order on my mom due to a death threat and harassment earlier in the summer. My relationship is very strained with my mom and we aren't spending any time together or talking very often.

My youngest two really want to see their grandmother. She lives about 10 mins away and before all this would see them even if briefly about once a week or so.

I do not think my mom is a threat to my kids at all. I would not allow them unsupervised time and we would probably go do an activity or maybe visit at my Home for an hour or so. Does this seem reasonable? Am I trying to reach for something that cannot be? I just want to be sure I make the right decisions in regards to my kids.

What has or hasn't worked for you?

[Harri]

Hi Lulu.  I do not have kids, so i am not sure how valid my input will be, so please keep that in mind.

I think you are wise not to leave your kids alone with her.  As their mother, you know best what your kids can handle and you obviously know your own mother.  You feel they are physically safe with her, so that is good.  What about emotionally?  Is she overly critical or invalidating with them?  I have read that when kids are very young, some BPDs are very good with kids, but as they get older and start to express their individuality, there can be conflict.  How was your mother with you when you were a kid?  It might be safe to assume she will be the same way with your kids (or at least I think so, I could be wrong on that).

There are two questions that keeps popping into my head so I am going to ask.  Why do you want your kids to see her?  What are you hoping their relationship will look like?

[Lulu1313]

Well Harri,  its more that they want to see her. Im definitely not urging them by any means but my daughter especially, is pining to see her. We have made arrangements to bring breakfast over on Saturday and hang for an hr or so. I would say they are safe in both regards and I will be there the entire time. Its more that I will get the wrath after the fact. She screamed at me today because my daughter asked her to come to our house originally but we changed to going to her place. She is raging towards me constantly but wont do it in front of the kids and if she were too we would leave immediately and reevaluate our plan moving forward.

I totally agree about the comment you made in regards to the dynamic changing as kids grow older. My mom and I were very close until I was about to leave for college and then things started to change.

I am just trying to follow my kids lead in their need to see her. Its so hard. Thank you for responding!

[jdtm]

Its more that I will get the wrath after the fact. She screamed at me today because my daughter asked her to come to our house originally but we changed to going to her place. She is raging towards me constantly

If you mean on the telephone, excuse yourself (someone is at the door or you need to use the bathroom or the pot on the stove is boiling, etc) and hang up (and telephone calls/texts do not need to be answered).  If you mean Facebook, block the person and feign ignorance.  If you mean she comes to the door of your home, don't let her in.  Yes, she will be angry when she sees you, but if you leave or hang up or remove yourself from the situation, perhaps she will finally "get it".  If not, well - who cares?

Unfortunately, we had to do this with one of our family members.  At first the guilt is almost overwhelming, but after awhile ... .

[Lulu1313]

She lit into me on the phone after my daughter had talked with her. I told her calmly that I would see her sat and just hung up. I have def learned my lesson about trying to defend myself... pointless. trying to rationalize... .pointless.  getting pissed and screaming back... .feels good but pointless and she just yells over me. I dont feel too much in terms of guilt for not being part of her tirades but what I do feel is saddness that she is so convinced that I am an evil, mean, calculating person. She just projects all her stuff onto me.  Its like I dont know this person and she certainly doesnt know me. I would explode if I had to operate with that much hate in my heart.

[Harri]

Hi Lulu.  I think you have a good plan and you certainly have your priorities (your kids) straight and you will obviously protect them.  At this point, my concern is for you.  It is hard to fend off attacks like you describe, especially with someone who is incapable of hearing or seeing you as a separate being.  I keep hearing that line from the movie "The Devil Wears Prada" when the guy (forgot his name) says "GIRD YOUR LOINS!". 

Yeah.  Do that!     It is so hurtful to be the recipient of a mothers self loathing.  jdtm gave some great feedback.  There really is no use in defending yourself or trying to reason against her projections, but there is a point in terms of defending yourself by walking away, blocking her, telling her she can no speak to you like that, etc.  Let you mom know she is out of line and you are not going to tolerate it by your actions... .and at the same time, you will be teaching your kids it is not okay for other people to bully you.

"leave immediately and reevaluate our plan moving forward."  <--- Excellent plan!  Re-evaluate every step of the way and take it one interaction at a time.