I really screwed up

[Depression = 72% of members]

I think I have screwed up my current RS. I had a breakdown in front of her over the weekend. I started balling my eyes out. I couldn't stop. I felt so bad that I had talked to my ex and that it stirred things up for me again. There was no part in me that wanted my ex to contact me. I felt relief thinking she was done. Huge relief. And now I'm back in the mud and worried that I have now also lost someone else. I feel terrible.

[willy45]

I think I have screwed up my current RS. I had a breakdown in front of her over the weekend. I started balling my eyes out. I couldn't stop. I felt so bad that I had talked to my ex and that it stirred things up for me again. There was no part in me that wanted my ex to contact me. I felt relief thinking she was done. Huge relief. And now I'm back in the mud and worried that I have now also lost someone else. I feel terrible.

[Tater tot]

Willy, I am by far no expert but if you are in a new relationship with someone who is healthy, they will be open and understanding to your past pain and not walk away from you because you exposed past hurt from a previous relationship. Hopefully you fell like you are in a position to be honest in the new r/s and if so you may want to share a bit about your relationship with your exBPD and the wounds that are still healing, as possible future breakdowns or moments of sadness will occur in the future. I'm not sure how people handle healing from these toxic relationships while beginning new ones, but I'm sure there are more experienced folks out there that can offer advice. Don't beat yourself for feeling, and give this new person the opportunity to get to know and love you, scars and all.

[freedom33]

Tater Tot is right. If she is healthy person that cares for you she might get sad or frustrated that you are still entangled in your previous rs - that's only human - but then if she behaves reasonably and tries to understand you and be there for you in these difficult hours that will be a sign that she really cares and that she is a healthy individual. This xp might also bring you closer together. If she starts acting all weird and crazy then again that's a gain because its a  for you to move on.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I hate to say it, but you might also want to consider, that you're not ready for a relationship yet? I personally won't be for a long time.  Anyways good luck with things Willy, don't beat yourself up.

[Mutt]

There was no part in me that wanted my ex to contact me.

willy45 I'm sorry that you feel this way. You can't control someone else's actions. You can control yours. Put a boundary on the self with no contact. If she does X you respond with Y. Don't beat yourself up for going through something emotionally difficult. It has passed and focus on the present.

I think I have screwed up my current RS

And now I'm back in the mud and worried that I have now also lost someone else. I feel terrible.

What gives you the indication that it may be over?

[Skip]

Willy,

As BuildingFromScratch mentioned, you are probably in a new relationship a bit soon as you still have significant emotional ties to the last partner.  But you are there, so what is the best tactic... .

1_ Don't involve her in your healing from the ex anymore. Do that here.  She may be very accommodating and loving but if she cares about you it will hurt her inside.

2_ Don't try to minimize or explain away what happened. It happened. It was a bad day. Let it become a memory.  If she asks, just say it was an emotional day, it has passed.

3_ Stop being a victim of this girl.  It stops when you stop it. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Own it.  Stop blaming her.

4_ Women like strong men.  That is what attracted the ex to you. It's what attracted this girl to you. Be that man.

Skip

[willy45]

Thanks all. I really appriciate it. All your points are really valid. I appreciate the support. I really do.

[goldylamont]

what Skip said. and also i would say it wouldn't hurt to do something special for your current gf, nothing big or too much, but let her know how important she is to you. and how much you enjoy her company. the scary thing about an SO that gets emotional about an ex is that you start to doubt your position in the r/s, so some honest reassuring may help some. whenever i had negative thoughts about my xBPDgf i would always try to balance this out by doing or showing love for my current healthy gf. i think this was as healing if not more for me as it was her. and if you do anything, don't link it to the episode you had earlier; as in, don't tell her that you are doing this because of her support while you were feeling down, rather just do something sweet just because she is who she is and you like it.

[willy45]

That is great advice. Probably changing my number is also a great first step. At least then I can stop being afraid of the phone.

[freedom33]

4_ Women like strong men.  That is what attracted the ex to you. It's what attracted this girl to you. Be that man.

Hi Skip - It doesnt's sound like this is something practical and actionabe in the midst of this turmoil. If I was told this when i was as deep in the situation as willy is I would have felt further disempowerment. It's easier said than done. I would even think that it's because I am not a strong man that things couldn't work out between us. One of the times I broke up with my ex such thoughts made me go back just to see if I was stronger if it could work out. And I worked hard to get stronger and things did become slightly better but in the end I realised that I don't want to spend my life with someone in constant power struggle and no real connection, intimacy and trust. So long story short, I am not sure how helpful this is either way one sees it, or at least either way I see it.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I do think being strong is something to strive for. But sometimes being weak is the first step to actually being strong, instead of pretending you are. Strength is cultivated, not something you just arbitrarily decide to do. I'd like to think that any woman I decided to be with would want me to open up about my weaknesses, instead of wanting me to put on some false air of strength, thus creating emotional distance. But you know, I actually think things aren't like that, sexuality doesn't know reason, so w/e. I think Skip is right that you should be decisive and make a decision and maybe offer her reassurance.

[goldylamont]

4_ Women like strong men.  That is what attracted the ex to you. It's what attracted this girl to you. Be that man.

Hi Skip - It doesnt's sound like this is something practical and actionabe in the midst of this turmoil. If I was told this when i was as deep in the situation as willy is I would have felt further disempowerment. It's easier said than done. I would even think that it's because I am not a strong man that things couldn't work out between us. One of the times I broke up with my ex such thoughts made me go back just to see if I was stronger if it could work out. And I worked hard to get stronger and things did become slightly better but in the end I realised that I don't want to spend my life with someone in constant power struggle and no real connection, intimacy and trust. So long story short, I am not sure how helpful this is either way one sees it, or at least either way I see it.

freedom33 i think willy45's situation is different from yours which is why this advice is good for him. you are referring to being strong while in the midst of your BPD r/s. willy45 is beyond this and is already involved with another woman. for her, for the new woman in his life i think it's very important for him to show personal strength. not all the time, that would be repression and come across as fake. but at the same time we all have to get a handle on our situation with our ex's if we are to be properly respectful in a new relationship. i was faced with similar situations when i was with my new gf after xBPD. and my current gf was very loving and understanding, yet at the same time while i allowed myself to share and be vulnerable, i remained keenly aware that i needed to be strong in order to respect the love that she was showing me. if i wasn't strong maybe i would've broken no contact. if i wasn't strong i would have taken the bait when my ex contacted me acting sugar sweet after 6 months NC, but i didn't bite. part of the reason was because i knew myself that she was just playing games. but also just the thought of hurting the woman i was currently with, over my mentally ill ex (or rather my continued issues thereof), well this was just unacceptable. so in a way by even being in a new r/s i was taking a vow to be strong and not play games with my ex. nail in the coffin. but this was no cakewalk. i went through plenty of depression, ruminating and anger during this time, yet i tried to isolate the woman i loved from as much of this as possible... .while still letting her know if i was feeling down sometimes. it's a balance i suppose.

[Infern0]

Sending you love,  willy.

You do need to be strong here.

Deep down we are all fighters,  that's why BPD does us in so badly,  because we are fighting a fight we cannot ever truly win,  but we hang in there.

You have someone in your life now that's worth fighting for,  and you are in a fight to get over BPDex which you can win!

Get it done man, you got something great here so get up off your ass and make it happen!

Much love

[freedom33]

It is fair to admit that I don't know his precise situation. However my issue with this particular advice is twofold:

1) On the practical aspects of it even if the content was ok - It is not actionable e.g. in contrast with the first three that are empowering, clear and something that one can act on. This can create further powerlesness in a person who is already in a dead end.

2) The content itself. One of the main reasons I have not been a stronger man that I would have like to, is that I actually paid too much importance to what attracted my ex. I wasn't a  man for myself and didn't uphold my boundaries for what I stand for and value in myself. Instead I gave in. I should have walked off the first time she gave me s**t. That would have made me a strong man and also give a clear signal to her. To be a strong man because that's what attracted my ex is in my mind an oxymoron.

[thereishope]

That is great advice. Probably changing my number is also a great first step. At least then I can stop being afraid of the phone.

I like this too... .It will kill two birds with one stone... .It will remove the threat of contact from your ex... . 

... .And it will be a strong reassurance for your current gf that you are serious about being OVER your ex. 

I agree that if your current gf is healthy, she will understand your emotions and be patient with your "mishap".  I also agree with Skip and others to make sure you give yourself adequate time to heal and become healthier yourself before attempting to have an actual healthy relationship... .Maybe you are ready... .If so... .great, and enjoy!

Grace and peace to you.