out of sight-out of mind or they keep you in their thoughts?

[honeysuckle]

I have read a lot of contradictory thoughts lately.

They never let you go and they don't think about what isn't there.

I wondered is that what I want to believe that they still think of us? It makes sense if they do continue to contact us even after long periods. They never took the time to process the break up either having jumped to the next relationship so quickly. Do they process in small pieces?

Or is it really out of sight object consistency and they have moved on and thats that. Never to want to think about the old relationship at all.

Is it both? Only thinking of us when their is a problem with the new relationship.

I ask this because I think I feel better thinking I am thought about. But I know they live in the moment and I am no long in this moment.

Can anyone help me understand this?

[Infern0]

It varies.

Mine talked about her exes from time to time,  she opened up and admitted everything she had done, even hurting her exes etc. But she shut down straight after and I could never get that honest person back. I think they do think of you when they hit rock bottom,  sometimes they will reach out,  other times they can't face the guilt.

It's all dependant on the individual.

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, this may not make you feel better, but we were nothing but objects to attach to in the borderline psyche, something to allow the borderline to feel whole, to soothe that ever-present fear of abandonment.  Out of sight out of mind, a lack of object constancy, yes, until a borderline is in need of soothing, for whatever reason, and then we may pop up on the radar as a former attachment, yes, but also maybe as a current one, which is why we may get contact attempts long after the relationship ends.

It's all about the borderline and their needs, always, we are just soother objects.  Hard to accept when we had a whole lot more emotionally invested than that, but acceptance is the key to freedom.

[StayOrLeave15]

They may think of you or they may paint you black and forget about you.  But do you know what the truth is? It doesn't matter. 

Their brains operate differently than ours so us being "in their thoughts" is different than the way we perceive them in ours.  As much pain as they may inflict on us nons, I would never want to live even one day in a pwBPD's shoes.

[Reforming]

Hi Honeysuckle

I think that as the other posters have said, we may be in and out of their thoughts, the telling things is how they perceive us and their relationship with us.

We all want to feel that we were loved, that we mattered, that we were special.

One of the hardest and most important things to accept is the nature of their attachment.

Need versus mature adult love.

When we first meet our BPDs, they appear to be functioning adults, but even though their disorder may be disguised it has left them undeveloped and childlike in ways which are difficult to accept and understand.

We didn't cause this and it does not mean that they don't have feelings for us, but those feelings are immature, volatile and built on unhealthy foundations of need rather than true understanding and acceptance.

It's two years since I separated from my ex and when I look at our relationship now I'm struck by the the childlike nature of her behaviour.

I'm not suggesting that mine was healthy either. In most cases we need to re-examine own perception of ourselves, them and our relationship and accept our part to move on and heal, but their refusal to take responsibility for their behaviour, to help themselves, their tendency to constantly blame others us and others their choices and actions and their lack of empathy for the pain that their behaviour causes is very childlike.

You can love a child, but is it realistic to expect them to return that love or behave in an adult way?

I think our relationship answered a compelling need of theirs until it deteriorated for all the reasons that these relationships do and when it stopped answering their needs they found a replacement to answer them.

Unless they work to heal themselves this new relationship reaches go through the same cycle, sooner or later most do, and when their need is unanswered we can come back into their thoughts again for a while

Some reach out and try to recycle, some don't, but they never view us with the same idealisation that they did when our relationship began. In their eyes we abandoned them by not meeting their needs and we can never be fully trusted again. So most recycles end up being even more painful and destructive than the initial relationship

Putting their thoughts and feelings aside for a moment, perhaps the pertinent question is if they did reconnect could they answer your needs?

Or would end up back in the same confusion and misery that you experienced before with your needs unmet

What are your needs? What do you need from a partner and a relationship?

Learning to recognise your own needs, to value and express them in a healthy way can put your relationships with them and others on a much healthier footing.

Well done for posting. It's a good topic

Reforming

[Dolly rocker]

Hi honeysuckle

I can't speak for all BPDexes, but I can certainly speak for mine.

He is 24/7 thinking about me. I'm his obsession. Even when he found a replacement. He was still calling me. In fact I think the replacement triggered his obsession even more. He said he came to realise that there was no one like me.

Now he watchs my every move.  He's constantly watching my YouTube Chanel ( I have a beauty chanel, and believe me he watchs that and quotes me word by word) he also spies on my "private" facebook. If I change my timeline pic he susses out where I am and tries to contact me even when I'm abroad.

So the answer is YES. He keeps me in his mind 24/7

[Lolster]

At the very least they remember us when they wish to recycle.

Mine talked a lot about his other exes, how he was their best ever lover, etc etc.  In hindsight half of what he said was probably just his own perception.  He bored me with his ex talk to be honest, and was always trying to make me think there was no bad feeling towards any of them (when he was slating my child's father) yet I could read between the lines and see his slip ups in some of the things he said. 

And yet if I ever innocently discussed MY exes, even if he'd just been boring me for hours about one of his, then he'd shut down and refuse to engage.  He'd act like I hadn't spoken and change the subject. 

I do think they possibly add us to the list of topics to talk about in their next relationships and bore the pants off their new partner with. They probably twist their memories of just how that played out though.

[drummerboy]

What a great post reforming!

You have just made me doubly determined to remain in NC with my ex forever.

Yes, in the end its about us, not them. I don't know if its too condescending to say "they had their chance and blew it"

Hi Honeysuckle

I think that as the other posters have said, we may be in and out of their thoughts, the telling things is how they perceive us and their relationship with us.

We all want to feel that we were loved, that we mattered, that we were special.

One of the hardest and most important things to accept is the nature of their attachment.

Need versus mature adult love.

When we first meet our BPDs, they appear to be functioning adults, but even though their disorder may be disguised it has left them undeveloped and childlike in ways which are difficult to accept and understand.

We didn't cause this and it does not mean that they don't have feelings for us, but those feelings are immature, volatile and built on unhealthy foundations of need rather than true understanding and acceptance.

It's two years since I separated from my ex and when I look at our relationship now I'm struck by the the childlike nature of her behaviour.

I'm not suggesting that mine was healthy either. In most cases we need to re-examine own perception of ourselves, them and our relationship and accept our part to move on and heal, but their refusal to take responsibility for their behaviour, to help themselves, their tendency to constantly blame others us and others their choices and actions and their lack of empathy for the pain that their behaviour causes is very childlike.

You can love a child, but is it realistic to expect them to return that love or behave in an adult way?

I think our relationship answered a compelling need of theirs until it deteriorated for all the reasons that these relationships do and when it stopped answering their needs they found a replacement to answer them.

Unless they work to heal themselves this new relationship reaches go through the same cycle, sooner or later most do, and when their need is unanswered we can come back into their thoughts again for a while

Some reach out and try to recycle, some don't, but they never view us with the same idealisation that they did when our relationship began. In their eyes we abandoned them by not meeting their needs and we can never be fully trusted again. So most recycles end up being even more painful and destructive than the initial relationship

Putting their thoughts and feelings aside for a moment, perhaps the pertinent question is if they did reconnect could they answer your needs?

Or would end up back in the same confusion and misery that you experienced before with your needs unmet

What are your needs? What do you need from a partner and a relationship?

Learning to recognise your own needs, to value and express them in a healthy way can put your relationships with them and others on a much healthier footing.

Well done for posting. It's a good topic

Reforming

[fromheeltoheal]

Learning to recognise your own needs, to value and express them in a healthy way can put your relationships with them and others on a much healthier footing.

Yep, there it all is right there.  Had I done that I never would have gotten together with her in the first place, and that shift, borne out of the necessity imposed by pain, has been profound in my life since.

[lm911]

It depends if you were in some type of a serious and long relatinship, they would not forget you. For sure they will paint you black and remember only the bad things, but won't forget you. If you were in a relationship for a couple of months, then you are just some object they used to feel they emptiness and they would forget about you.

[Lolster]

If you were in a relationship for a couple of months, then you are just some object they used to feel they emptiness and they would forget about you.

Nope, not necessarily true.  I was in a 2-3mth relationship with one.  He recently came back after six years and had been trying to contact me before that.  I found out he'd discussed me with many people in the time we were NC.  Maybe it made a difference that I ended it and not him though, so he couldn't let it go.

It doesn't matter how long the relationship lasted, we are always "just some object to be used" to fill their emptiness.

[fromheeltoheal]

If you were in a relationship for a couple of months, then you are just some object they used to feel they emptiness and they would forget about you.

Nope, not necessarily true.  I was in a 2-3mth relationship with one.  He recently came back after six years and had been trying to contact me before that.  I found out he'd discussed me with many people in the time we were NC.  Maybe it made a difference that I ended it and not him though, so he couldn't let it go.

It doesn't matter how long the relationship lasted, we are always "just some object to be used" to fill their emptiness.

I've known my ex for 27 years, and was in two relationships with her, several months each, many years between, and she's never let go; I get random contact attempts sometimes close together, sometimes years apart.

Also, my experience is that we stay higher in a borderline's head depending on how much respect they have for us.  The first time, 25 years ago, she cheated on me blatantly and treated me like sht, and I hung around like a wounded puppy, finding newer and newer lows for my self-esteem.  She didn't have any respect for me, no wonder.  This time, once things went off the rails and we became more mired in dysfunction, I left without a trace.  Her contact attempts skyrocked, I kept my resolve, and they continue.  We gain a lot of respect when we stand up to a borderline, stop taking sht, and bail; sad that's the only way we can get it, but hey, I'll take it.

[Lolster]

Also, my experience is that we stay higher in a borderline's head depending on how much respect they have for us

. 

I think this is it exactly.  Mine constantly went on about how much he respected me, e.g. I was a great parent in his mind, to the point he even said he wished I was his daughters mother.  Of course that was one thing he tried to back track on once he knew I was walking away. I was a terrible mother (insert bs list of reasons).  On the other hand did he ever really respect my parenting or was it just that he wanted me to say that he was the best dad ever? 

I did get the impression that the exe's mine had no respect for just took whatever sht he doled out and accepted his behaviour.

I'm sort of hoping that I have lost a huge chunk of his respect this last time around, because ultimately it may stop him from resurfacing.  Last time I stopped responding to his vile messages he still kept on contacting me regularly for a long time.  This time I said my piece and refused to keep engaging, and I haven't heard a single thing in five weeks. 

I'm sure he's still waiting for me to realise my mistake and apologise.  Which would mean I'm still on his mind.