is it stalking?

[willy45]

I have repeatedly asked my ex to stop contacting me. I feel guilty for giving in. I have stated to her very clearly how her contacting me hurts me. Many times. When she amps up the contact, it sends me into a panic. I feel terror. I have told her this many times and keep trying to explain this. She has shown no ability to understand or care at all. I feel under constant threat that she is going to destroy my life. This has been going on for 2 plus years now.

She told me recently that she will bow out 'graciously' and stop contacting me out of respect for my emotional well being. But then she sends me two other emails about how sad this makes her and how she hopes it changes. I wish it didn't f with me so much. But it does. It is starting to make me feel like I am the crazy needy one.

Is this stalking? And is this the impact? I don't understand what is going on in my mind. I can't believe I let this happen again.

[Lolster]

Can I ask why you are still responding to her if you have told her you want NC?  She may well see your replying as you still wanting her to contact you.  It's like a game of ping pong which will continue unless one of you takes the decision to stop hitting the ball back.  That has to be you.

Sorry you are going through this. 

[Harri]

Hi Willy.  I sympathize with your situation.  It is very hard to let go and walk away.  

I will be direct with you.  I do not think what she is doing is stalking.  You ask her to stop contacting you because it hurts.  She backs away and then initiates contact.  You respond.  You keep trying to explain to her that it hurts and you keep expecting her to respect your request for no contact.  She violates that time after time.  And you respond time after time.  If you take yourself out of the dance, your pain will end in time

Stop doing the same thing over and over again expecting her to change.  The only thing you can control is yourself.  Stop hopping back on the crazy train where you know fear, pain and terror exist.  Block her emails, change your phone number, block her on facebook... .and then, and I say this with concern for you, spend some time trying to understand why you keep putting yourself back into self-destruct mode.  

You deserve so much better than what you have been giving yourself.  

[Rifka]

I have repeatedly asked my ex to stop contacting me. I feel guilty for giving in. I have stated to her very clearly how her contacting me hurts me. Many times. When she amps up the contact, it sends me into a panic. I feel terror. I have told her this many times and keep trying to explain this. She has shown no ability to understand or care at all. I feel under constant threat that she is going to destroy my life. This has been going on for 2 plus years now.

She told me recently that she will bow out 'graciously' and stop contacting me out of respect for my emotional well being. But then she sends me two other emails about how sad this makes her and how she hopes it changes. I wish it didn't f with me so much. But it does. It is starting to make me feel like I am the crazy needy one.

Is this stalking? And is this the impact? I don't understand what is going on in my mind. I can't believe I let this happen again.

Willy if you ask somebody to stop contacting you completely and they still do it's stalking!

Once you respond in whatever capacity your have change it to conversing, not stalking.

You can't have it both ways! Either you need to not respond to contact and take advantage of any stalking laws where you live and walk the walk and protect your emotional well being.

Or you can respond and continually stay in victim mode and then not be surprised and disappointed that this happens over and over. Yes it does and will. It's the same dance Willy!

When you are ready, you will see it for what it is and take responsibility for YOUR PART in this dance. Again I have done the dance many times as we all have, so I'm not judging you.

You just need to step back and look at how unhealthy this is, again at your own pace, then you can go forward.  N/c is the only way too go forward.

You don't need to get the last word in, because it means nothing and will always make you emotionally sick when dealing with a exBPDso.

You can do this Willy! Let us be your cheer leaders on the sidelines! Go willy!

[willy45]

Thanks guys. I appreciate it.

I guess one of the main reasons I am so pissed at myself is that I laid out a very clear and direct email at the end of April. And I had been gathering evidence of contact since then for the past 4 months. I have been storing emails, recording calls, and saving voice messages. I was starting to get 1) a good case together, and 2) it was affecting me less and less. I felt in control. And then the calling every day on end. Combined with being back in the town for work where I used to live with her and working directly with her colleagues. It was too much. The terror set in. I felt myself getting sucked in. And I gave in.

So, I guess I'm pissed at myself for having given that up. I had looked up stalking laws in her state and started to piece it all together. I felt good about it. I felt relief. I felt like I was done. I thought she was done. I felt like I had my defences up. Now that I replied and got sucked back in, all my evidence legally is out the window.

And I feel like absolute misery. I'm sure she doesn't care at all about how I feel. Just a blip on her screen. Until next time.

[willy45]

And I feel like lashing out... .

I won't. But that's what I feel like. I feel like emailing her and telling how ___ty she has been to me and continues to be. How she disrespects me. How she treats me like I'm just some object to soothe her. How she doesn't care at all about me.

I won't. Just feel like it.

[rg1976]

It could be stalking, or it could be harassment.  Laws vary depending on where you live.  You should look up your local laws and see what category this falls under.

Here's the deal:  

You asked the person to stop contacting you.  Just because you said:  I don't want you to do contact me, that doesn't automatically make the person guilty of breaking a law if they contact you.

If you're serious, why don't you block this person on your phone?  Then you wouldn't even know if an attempt was made to contact you.  If the person then tries to contact you by coming to you physically, then you can look into setting up more difficult/legal boundaries.

[Rifka]

And I feel like lashing out... .

I won't. But that's what I feel like. I feel like emailing her and telling howty she has been to me and continues to be. How she disrespects me. How she treats me like I'm just some object to soothe her. How she doesn't care at all about me.

I won't. Just feel like it.

Willy, if you feel like writing a letter, Do it, just don't send it to her. You lose all of your power in doing that and will feel like crap once you get no response or even if you do. You lose both ways! Post it here if you need to, with all of us that care. I think you saw that I posted my letter here! It felt great, I did it yesterday! I am in total control of me TODAY, and refuse to let anybody drive me, my moods or my life anymore!

[Mutt]

Hi Willy.  I sympathize with your situation.  It is very hard to let go and walk away.  

I will be direct with you.  I do not think what she is doing is stalking.  You ask her to stop contacting you because it hurts.  She backs away and then initiates contact.  You respond.  You keep trying to explain to her that it hurts and you keep expecting her to respect your request for no contact.  She violates that time after time.  And you respond time after time.  If you take yourself out of the dance, your pain will end in time

Stop doing the same thing over and over again expecting her to change.  The only thing you can control is yourself.  Stop hopping back on the crazy train where you know fear, pain and terror exist.  Block her emails, change your phone number, block her on facebook... .and then, and I say this with concern for you, spend some time trying to understand why you keep putting yourself back into self-destruct mode.  

You deserve so much better than what you have been giving yourself.  

willy45,

I couldn't of said this any better myself. I can block my ex in every avenue. Don't text, don't call etc. Yet she did for many weeks and eventually it stopped because I didn't re-enforce her. She eventually got the message that Mutt means business. She's like a young child that flails against the parent's boundaries and doesn't understand them.

The ball is in your court to make this stop. You can only control you. You cannot control someone else.

[Caredverymuch]

Hi Willy.  I sympathize with your situation.  It is very hard to let go and walk away.  

I will be direct with you.  I do not think what she is doing is stalking.  You ask her to stop contacting you because it hurts.  She backs away and then initiates contact.  You respond.  You keep trying to explain to her that it hurts and you keep expecting her to respect your request for no contact.  She violates that time after time.  And you respond time after time.  If you take yourself out of the dance, your pain will end in time

Stop doing the same thing over and over again expecting her to change.  The only thing you can control is yourself.  Stop hopping back on the crazy train where you know fear, pain and terror exist.  Block her emails, change your phone number, block her on facebook... .and then, and I say this with concern for you, spend some time trying to understand why you keep putting yourself back into self-destruct mode.  

You deserve so much better than what you have been giving yourself.  

willy45,

I couldn't of said this any better myself. I can block my ex in every avenue. Don't text, don't call etc. Yet she did for many weeks and eventually it stopped because I didn't re-enforce her. She eventually got the message that Mutt means business. She's like a young child that flails against the parent's boundaries and doesn't understand them.

The ball is in your court to make this stop. You can only control you. You cannot control someone else.

Willy, I second this. I know how hard it can be with triggers. Such as you're being in contact with colleagues you both know. Thats not easy when we have not fully detached.

When you want full detachment. When you care about your own emotional wellbeing before hers.  When you realize as hard as it is, that this is a mental illness and the disorder has repeated patterns of manipulation that are not going to help you in any way.  You realize this:

Control begins with you.

You don't ask, you tell. You dont give someone permission over your intentions by asking. Talk now with your actions. Back it up.

Block all contact.

When you get off the ride for good, the power to control you is gone.

I know how hard it is. Bc we have all been there.  It really was the worst experience of my life but I gave the disorder back. And took control back.