kicked her to the curb

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ok... .well she crossed the line for me, and perhaps my reaction was really strong and over the top, but I'm really sensitive on this and she went and pushed the button.  She was talking all about how her ex called her up begging for her to come back to, and that they agreed to meet up, but then she told me she wasn't going to go back.  But then she cancelled plans with me to go meet the ex. She's been totally ambivalent about our "relationship", saying she doesn't want to be in another relationship, and then here she is giving her time and attention to the ex, AND making sure I know all about it... .well, it just wasn't fair to me.  I called her a few names, told her I wasn't into this kind of childish games, and cut her off.  Unfriended her on all my social networks and blocked her calls.  For the moment I feel ok about it.  I'm afraid this might change though... .as more days pass, maybe I'll miss her? I don't know. I'm a little confused.  Perhaps with a cooler head I would have had the courage to ask her what was going on with the ex, and confronted her on it... .but I just feel that this would have been an ongoing saga... .Everytime she and I have trouble, she'll start running to the ex.  It's a form of control and not something I'm prepare to put up with.

[hotncold]

Ok... .well she crossed the line for me, and perhaps my reaction was really strong and over the top, but I'm really sensitive on this and she went and pushed the button.  She was talking all about how her ex called her up begging for her to come back to, and that they agreed to meet up, but then she told me she wasn't going to go back.  But then she cancelled plans with me to go meet the ex. She's been totally ambivalent about our "relationship", saying she doesn't want to be in another relationship, and then here she is giving her time and attention to the ex, AND making sure I know all about it... .well, it just wasn't fair to me.  I called her a few names, told her I wasn't into this kind of childish games, and cut her off.  Unfriended her on all my social networks and blocked her calls.  For the moment I feel ok about it.  I'm afraid this might change though... .as more days pass, maybe I'll miss her? I don't know. I'm a little confused.  Perhaps with a cooler head I would have had the courage to ask her what was going on with the ex, and confronted her on it... .but I just feel that this would have been an ongoing saga... .Everytime she and I have trouble, she'll start running to the ex.  It's a form of control and not something I'm prepare to put up with.

[drummerboy]

You soo need to get this woman out of your life. Real relationships have love and respect. They do not involve purposely hurting their partner. Just remember, she is not a real person, she is the illusion that she created in the idealisation phase. Dump her, start healing and be with real people, not fairytale characters.

[enlighten me]

Hi Hotncold

Hats off to you. I wish I'd been stronger with my exgf and dumped her when she started playing these childish games. It would have saved me a lot of heartache in the long run.

The fact that she runs off to her ex is insulting. Its as if you don't count in the relationship.

Be strong and don't doubt yourself. If your gut is saying things are wrong then they usually are.

[Mr Hollande]

Sounds to me like you are ready to make the giant leap. Are you ready to do that? I had 5 years of what you described and I always forgave her because I loved her and believed we would one day be happy together. If only she could and if only I could blah, blah, blah, and then one day the last button was pushed and I knew that not all the kings men could put Humpty Dumpty back together again. I knew that however painful it was and would be that from now on I could never go back or allow her back. Not in ANY capacity. That realisation killed me but it also liberated me.

Are you ready to die and be liberated? If you are then there are lot of good people on this forum who will be there for you during your resurrection.

[antjs]

Hotncold you did the right thing. I did the same. Took her bull___ (including traingulation with her ex) for one week  and then i was done. If she is BPD then good for u u did the right thing. If she is not BPD then at least we can say she is selfish to get you involved when she is not yet over her ex. This woman was not anyway near ready for a relationship or a real commitment

[Junknown]

Ok... .well she crossed the line for me, and perhaps my reaction was really strong and over the top, but I'm really sensitive on this and she went and pushed the button.  She was talking all about how her ex called her up begging for her to come back to, and that they agreed to meet up, but then she told me she wasn't going to go back.  But then she cancelled plans with me to go meet the ex. She's been totally ambivalent about our "relationship", saying she doesn't want to be in another relationship, and then here she is giving her time and attention to the ex, AND making sure I know all about it... .well, it just wasn't fair to me.  I called her a few names, told her I wasn't into this kind of childish games, and cut her off.  Unfriended her on all my social networks and blocked her calls.  For the moment I feel ok about it.  I'm afraid this might change though... .as more days pass, maybe I'll miss her? I don't know. I'm a little confused.  Perhaps with a cooler head I would have had the courage to ask her what was going on with the ex, and confronted her on it... .but I just feel that this would have been an ongoing saga... .Everytime she and I have trouble, she'll start running to the ex.  It's a form of control and not something I'm prepare to put up with.

You did the right thing. be sure of that. For a long time i let her do similar stuff and be ambivalent and triangulating with at least 3 guys that i knew. She would tell me she told me the thruth that they were after her and all the stuff and that she talked to them, never in na intimate way (all lies). In the end i discover she maintained two paralel relationships at same time... .

They are master liers and deceivers and make us doubt of our decision and hit us on the spot. Only when i got proof really serious i told her to screw herself up! A phone call taped by a guy she triangulated with me and betrayed me with where she admitted that she was seeing another guy, apart from me and this guy who gave me the tape. Then my eyes really opened. And i saw her without the mask.

Seriously, you dont want to get to the point where i got. Altough if you get there you will walk out without many doubts, there is much more colateral damage you can get from waiting until this stage comes. I mean pregnancy, STD, investing your time and effort on her and getting nothing in the end... .

Nothing repays any of this possible colateral damage if it happens. Im lucky i didnt get her pregnant, i hope im lucky i didnt get a STD (still have to get tested), and im unlucky that my time and some oportunities that came along and i missed are never coming back again.

This is just an advice, you do whatever you think its right, but from the experiencies on this forum and my own, i think you will see where all this will lead you in the future if you dont stay strong and keep your head up... .Its all about you and what you want and predict to get in a relationship like this.

[hotncold]

thanks for the messages of support.  Here's the kicker. I don't even care if she sleeps with someone else... .I know people who are in respectful open relationships, and they don't put themselves through this crap.  What I do care about is her using these other people to make ME feel low, to disrespect me, to make me feel insecure, to make me fall in line, to control me because if I do something she doesn't like she can run off to someone else.  THIS is what I cannot and will not stand for. 

she self diagnosed as BPD... .she had scars on her arms, etc. and a pretty bad past. I think she wanted my heart to bleed for her.  I told her not to play mind games with me when it came to her sex life.  She decided she was gonna go and step on that landmine anyway. Well... .guess what, it blew up and I didn't stick around to find out what it did to her.  Right now, I don't want to see or hear from her. Really, nothing.  I'm just hoping it will last.  The thought of her gives me unpleasant feelings.  I've been keeping a journal of things I'm grateful for recently, and I noticed the other day that I never had any desire to put her name there as someone I'm grateful to have in my life... .I guess that kind of says it all.   I wanted to be grateful for her, but I just couldn't be, because she actually contributed nothing to my life. She just took, took, and took some more.

[Infern0]

Same old story mate, mine gave me the whole not ready for a relationship thing (after telling me she was with the replacement) and that she wanted to work on herself and get well and stuff and hoped we could be together when she's ready, I was like cool I understand,  and then 2 days later she's "going to spend the rest of her life with him" and I'm a evil ass for not being able to be her friend.

Welcome to BPD land,  where nothing is real or makes any sense

[Skip]

She's bringing her ex back into the fold, an ex who seems to play the same games as she does, and I'm not interested in these games... .I know where my line is and it's a combination of no therapy and this triangulation with the ex. I'm not interested in a love triangle so I'm out.

Hang in there.  Its been an emotional day.  Things will look and feel different tomorrow.

I'm like you in that I have little interest in dealing with a love or even friend triangle.  I draw the line there.  It really signals a very bad relationship dynamic.

OK, good enough.  Now what?  What happens when the anger fades away in a few days?

Self doubt.

You're going to question if your emotional lashing out sent her in the other direction.  You're going to want to know if she is having a change of heart. You are going to question... .

I think anyone looking in would say that the best way to handle was to step away as you have done and not enable this - put a price on the decision she is making.

For your own piece of mind, however, I might send a very very brief apology note for anything that was "over-the-top".  A week from now, you'll may be glad you did so that yo are not second guessing.

Jamie, I apologize for getting so angry today.  I didn't mean it when I said you were ugly. However, having ____ around doesn't work for me. I don't want that kind of relationship

[hotncold]

She's bringing her ex back into the fold, an ex who seems to play the same games as she does, and I'm not interested in these games... .I know where my line is and it's a combination of no therapy and this triangulation with the ex. I'm not interested in a love triangle so I'm out.

Hang in there.  Its been an emotional day.  Things will look and feel different tomorrow.

I'm like you in that I have little interest in dealing with a love or even friend triangle.  I draw the line there.  It really signals a very bad relationship dynamic.

OK, good enough.  Now what?  What happens when the anger fades away in a few days?

Self doubt.

You're going to question if your emotional lashing out sent her in the other direction.  You're going to want to know if she is having a change of heart. You are going to question... .

I think anyone looking in would say that the best way to handle was to step away as you have done and not enable this - put a price on the decision she is making.

For your own piece of mind, however, I might send a very very brief apology note for anything that was "over-the-top".  A week from now, you'll may be glad you did so that yo are not second guessing.

Jamie, I apologize for getting so angry today.  I didn't mean it when I said you were ugly. However, having ____ around doesn't work for me. I don't want that kind of relationship

Thanks for your advice. It's true... .I'm not sure how my emotions will evolve on this, although your quote made me laugh!  I told her she was a lap dog running back to the ex, and I was surprised at how insecure she was, and that she had no class telling me about it like she did.  That's kind of the extent of it.  Right now I kind of stand by those words... .  I think I chose to lash out because I figured at this point, it doesn't really matter what I do. If she wants to go back to the ex she will (maybe she has already).  If not she won't and what I do probably does not have much impact in the matter.

[hotncold]

And today is another day... .Skip I think I will take your advice. I am not angry anymore... .Just feel like this needs to be handled in a cool, collected and adult manner.   Thanks for your advice.