BPD moment in Target

[littlebirdcline]

I am working on my relationship with my BPD mom, and things are going okay.  After mega blowup in June, we are talking once or twice a week and I'm trying to find a "new normal" and change how I deal with her.  So, her birthday is coming up, and I have tried three times to buy a card.  The gift I had no problem with, but the card is somehow impossible.  We are both "card people", and have always put a lot of thought into them, sending them frequently.  But as I stood in Target yesterday, I just couldn't find any.  The "perfect mother" cards that are all sappy and admiring just didn't feel right.  She had many good qualities, and I love her dearly, but I just can't go there any more.  So, funny card, right?  Everyone I picked up, I kept imagining how she might misconstrue it and take offense somehow.  She probably wouldn't, but I'm paranoid now.  So, then I thought, get a Grandma card, and make it from my son.  But then she'd want to know why "he" sent one and not me.  After 20 minutes standing there, looking like a weirdo, I just gave up and left. 

As I was leaving I started getting angry at how much work it is to deal with all this.  I know a card is not a big deal, but it's a microcosm of the whole problem.  She refuses to get help, so I have spend my precious time doing all the work.  I'm still spending a lot of my energy worrying about her and thinking about what to do next. 

Sorry, I guess there's not really a question here, just venting a little.  Anyone else ever have moments like this?

[Kwamina]

Hi littlebirdcline

The "perfect mother" cards that are all sappy and admiring just didn't feel right.  She had many good qualities, and I love her dearly, but I just can't go there any more.  So, funny card, right?  Everyone I picked up, I kept imagining how she might misconstrue it and take offense somehow.  She probably wouldn't, but I'm paranoid now.  So, then I thought, get a Grandma card, and make it from my son.  But then she'd want to know why "he" sent one and not me.  After 20 minutes standing there, looking like a weirdo, I just gave up and left.

Thanks for sharing this, I can really relate to what you say here. My own uBPD sister's birthday was a few weeks ago and just like you I was standing in the shop looking at cards. First I looked at the sentimental ones with all those touching comments but I really couldn't do that anymore. I don't feel that way about her so the messages would just be fake. Then I looked at the funny cards and I found some great ones but then I too started thinking about how she would overreact and make a scene about the card. So my solution: I bought a very pretty card, with beautiful flowers on it but no sentimental messages at all. I just kept it neutral. A card shouldn't be a big deal but with BPD family members anything can become a big deal

[Linda Maria]

hi littlebird!  I can so relate to your post... The birthday thing is resolved for me really now - last year - my uBPDsis birthday came along about 2 months after she started being really abusive to me.  But I didn't know about BPD then, so I sent her a nice card with a nice genuine message, and I got my kids to send her nice cards as well.  I just got back some really nasty texts, then on my birthday a month later I got a card but with mad, nasty lies in it.  So this year I didn't send a card, in the hope that she wouldn't send me one, and she didn't.  But just the whole business of having to guess their reaction to everything makes everything you have to do with them a stressful thing, instead of something you wouldn't give a thought to with a "normal" person, and it is exhausting, and such a waste of your time and energy.  Sometimes difficult to switch off that voice in the head though!  Hang in there!  JB

[littlebirdcline]

Thanks, Kwamina.  I'm glad to know it's not just me.  I'm gonna do what you did and just try to find something neutral. 

[littlebirdcline]

Linda Maria-

How terrible!  That's a horrible birthday surprise.  I think I've told this story before on here in a different discussion, but my dad's mother used to send me birthday cards as a kid with obituaries from the newspaper inside.  Not people I knew, just people she knew who had died.  (I suspect she had some issue like BPD as well.) I can laugh about it now, but as a sensitive kid, it upset me every time and confused me greatly.  Maybe someday we can learn to laugh about the crazy things our BPD loved ones do.  Maybe.

[Kwamina]

I think I've told this story before on here in a different discussion, but my dad's mother used to send me birthday cards as a kid with obituaries from the newspaper inside.  Not people I knew, just people she knew who had died.  (I suspect she had some issue like BPD as well.) I can laugh about it now, but as a sensitive kid, it upset me every time and confused me greatly.  Maybe someday we can learn to laugh about the crazy things our BPD loved ones do.  Maybe.

That was quite a bizarre thing your grandmother did  I can understand why this would upset you. Did she ever tell you or anyone else why she did this? Do you know if she did this with other people too?

[Levi78]

I hate greeting cards. My uBPD mom has ruined them for me. She buys them for every holiday, for every member of the family. (She has done this as long as I can remember.) Since I am married with 3 kids, that means 5 cards per holiday. She doesn't buy the cheap ones either-- they are always super elaborate, with over-the-top sentimental hogwash that makes me want to gag. I throw them all away, cursing the waste of trees & money on these useless items.

[littlebirdcline]

Kwamina-

I have no idea why she did that.  I'm trying to remember if she did the same thing with my younger brother, but I don't remember.  She was a miserable, mean old lady, with an incredibly pessimistic worldview, so who knows what she was thinking when she did that.  I remember when my brother was about 5, he asked her what she was getting him for his birthday.  She responded, "Nothing.  You didn't get me anything for my birthday."  As I look back, I really think she may have been BPD as well, which may explain why my dad puts up with my mom. 

My mother is a great grandmother to my son, and would never say anything like that to him, but she does make incredibly depressing and negative comments all the time.  My challenge is to let my son get the great things about her, without him growing up and telling stories about he time his grandma did some crazy thing.

[P.F.Change]

I'm still spending a lot of my energy worrying about her and thinking about what to do next. 

I used to struggle in the greeting card aisle, too, litttlebirdcline. I really do relate.

It is difficult when you are worried about how the other person is going to interpret or receive the message of the card. If the card is a symbol of you trying to manage someone else's feelings, it can become a big burden.

On the other hand, if you're able to decide, "I wish this person well, and that's good enough for me," then the card is just a symbol of a kind gesture and well wishes. We can't control how other people will interpret that, and if we can let go of our attachment to their reactions, it can be a really liberating feeling. Blank-inside cards or ones that simply say "happy birthday" work best for me when I choose to send one to my parents.

What do you need in order to spend less time worrying about your mother's feelings and more time working on taking care of yourself?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Gerda]

What a coincidence! Just yesterday I had to spend way too long in the greeting card aisle trying to pick out one for my BPDsis's birthday this Thursday.

Last year I talked to her on the phone the weekend before her birthday, and she was just going on and on about how miserable she is. I asked her what she's doing for her birthday, and she said she doesn't even want to think about her birthday at all and is just going to skip it this year. So I told her I hope she has a nice day anyway.

Ever since then she's never been able to let me live it down that I didn't call her on her actual birthday or even send her a card! After she told me she's skipping her birthday.

So this year we're not even on speaking terms after how she was caught stealing things from our dead father's house and trying to have my husband arrested (long story... .see previous post of mine if you want to see it), but I decided to go ahead and send her a card.

But all these cards about how sisters are best friends and so on. 

Even the funny cards seemed too nice. Or they were jokes about how old you're getting, but I don't think my sister is old enough to be getting those kinds of cards.

I finally got her a card that has a picture of a puppy sitting on a kitten on the front that says "Today you get to be top dog." Kind of reminded me about the fights we used to get into (I'm the older one, but she ended up growing taller than me a long time ago).

If she interprets that in a bad way, too bad, after how she's been acting she's lucky to be getting anything at all from me.


I think that some entrepreneur REALLY needs to come out with a line of cards for people in our situation. I really think there would be a big enough market. Not nasty cards, polite cards saying I hope you have a nice birthday/Mother's Day/Christmas/whatever, but don't say anything about how you were always there for me, or I wish I could be there with you, or any of that stuff.

 I also sometimes think it would be nice to have a whole line of passive-aggressive cards that say things like, "I hope you have exactly the kind of birthday you deserve" or "This Mother's Day, I hope you enjoy having the entire day all to yourself", or stuff like that, but I suppose the therapists on this board would say that's not being helpful or something. 

[Jema]

Blank-inside cards or ones that simply say "happy birthday" work best for me when I choose to send one to my parents.

This works well for me, too.

Actually, this issue surfaced in my first T session with uBPDm. M had brought with her one of my past moms' day cards to the session and read it back to me. It was one that had a "canned" greeting. I really liked it because it was very carefullly worded to indicate my appreciation for the positive things she has done for me, without getting too sentimental or saying, "Gee, you're the best mom ever!". A rare find indeed.

Apparently, M didn't reallly get the true message, and tried to use the card against me to show T that I had suddenly gone "mental", with my recent atttempts at LC.

I could see that M could not connect the dots when, after she read it, I said, "Yes, that is exactly how I feel." T said, "Of course he does, why else would he be here for you."

Anyway, what ever you do, it never gets interpreted the way you intend--it just melts into a blanket of FOG... .

Cheers,

Jema

[claudiaduffy]

I think that some entrepreneur REALLY needs to come out with a line of cards for people in our situation. I really think there would be a big enough market. Not nasty cards, polite cards saying I hope you have a nice birthday/Mother's Day/Christmas/whatever, but don't say anything about how you were always there for me, or I wish I could be there with you, or any of that stuff.

 I also sometimes think it would be nice to have a whole line of passive-aggressive cards that say things like, "I hope you have exactly the kind of birthday you deserve" or "This Mother's Day, I hope you enjoy having the entire day all to yourself", or stuff like that, but I suppose the therapists on this board would say that's not being helpful or something. 

^^^ Yes to all the above.

I usually get a blank card that has a picture of flowers or something (she likes those consistently) and write my own "Happy Mother's Day! Wishing the best for you" et cetera.

Of course my wishing the best for her includes my wishing that she'd end up stuck in an elevator for a week with a therapist with BPD experience, but you know.

[Gerda]

As for how they interpret the cards, I just got a text from my mom today saying that my sister got the card, and it was very nice of me to send it, but sis is no where near ready to forgive me yet. 

Nevermind that she the one who should be begging my forgiveness. Oh well.