Sky-rocketting anxiety. Just want to get off the ride.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

In December/January I had a breakdown, as a result of three things all happening at the same time: my exBPDbf's suicide attempt and subsequent discard, my ex husband's abusiveness, and my mother's terminal illness.

I've spent the last four months trying to rest and recover, with the help of SSRIs.

Now my ex husband has split up with his gf and has moved closer to me in the hopes of us reconciling, and I'm nervous my exBPDbf is going to attempt a recycle. Everything has just rushed back and I'm feeling the stirrings of high anxiety and potential panic attacks again. It feels like everyone who might want to do me harm is closing back in on me, and I'll have to make choices I'm not ready to make.

I have tablets to help with the panic, but they give me terrible headaches. I never used to be like this. Anyone got any words of wisdom?

[Suspicious1]

In December/January I had a breakdown, as a result of three things all happening at the same time: my exBPDbf's suicide attempt and subsequent discard, my ex husband's abusiveness, and my mother's terminal illness.

I've spent the last four months trying to rest and recover, with the help of SSRIs.

Now my ex husband has split up with his gf and has moved closer to me in the hopes of us reconciling, and I'm nervous my exBPDbf is going to attempt a recycle. Everything has just rushed back and I'm feeling the stirrings of high anxiety and potential panic attacks again. It feels like everyone who might want to do me harm is closing back in on me, and I'll have to make choices I'm not ready to make.

I have tablets to help with the panic, but they give me terrible headaches. I never used to be like this. Anyone got any words of wisdom?

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Do you have a T to help you work through the emotions and get stronger?  The anxiety is probably a combination of a rise in feeling and a sense of a real threat (abusive ex husband, etc.).  Is there a friend you can have move in with you for a few months?

[LettingGo14]

It feels like everyone who might want to do me harm is closing back in on me, and I'll have to make choices I'm not ready to make.

I have tablets to help with the panic, but they give me terrible headaches. I never used to be like this. Anyone got any words of wisdom?

Hello -- I am grateful you posted.  It helps everyone here.  I am sorry you face this now, but you are doing the work, and that will help you. 

I don't know if I have specific words of wisdom, but I can share some things that have helped me:

1. Someone told me that anxiety & fear arise when we live in the imagined "wreckage of the future."   If we can draw our attention to the present moment, and simply make the next right decision (rather than worrying about tomorrow's decisions or problems) then we retrain our brains.

2. I also learned -- slowly and with difficulty -- to meditate.  I started with Pema Chodron's book, "When Things Fall Apart" and also Tara Brach's book, "True Refuge."  And I listened to podcasts by Tara Brach, Jack Kornfield, and others.

Meditation changed my life.

[thereishope]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Do you have a T to help you work through the emotions and get stronger?  The anxiety is probably a combination of a rise in feeling and a sense of a real threat (abusive ex husband, etc.).  Is there a friend you can have move in with you for a few months?

I agree with OutOfEgypt... .Can you have a supportive friend stay with you for a while?  I also like LettingGo's suggestion... ."1. Someone told me that anxiety & fear arise when we live in the imagined "wreckage of the future."   If we can draw our attention to the present moment, and simply make the next right decision (rather than worrying about tomorrow's decisions or problems) then we retrain our brains." 

I notice lately, in beginning to make a solid, immediate plan today, for today, just the first step... .I'm not freaking out about the whole future, and I feel way more in control, and at peace with just this one step... .

[Suspicious1]

Thanks all, this has been really helpful. I do need to remind myself to stay in the moment and to stop worrying about what will and will not happen. I guess I feel whole weight of expectation on me from my ex who is hoping to reconcile, while I feel like I've started on this journey and need to be single for a while to complete it.

My ex was emotionally and psychologically abusive (very rarely physically) so I'm not afraid of him in that sense. It's just I can feel myself being coerced back to a place I'm not ready for. Especially when I'm still trying to detach from my exBPDbf.

Meditation and yoga is helping, as is simply trying not to think about things. Thank goodness for this place.