I guess it's really over... need your support friends

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello everyone. Tonight was the last straw. After watching my BPDw drink a bottle of wine a night, I confronted her about it. I had been stewing over it all day and decided that I wasn't going to just turn a blind eye to this. I told her that I have had enough and that there will be no more drinking in my house. PERIOD. She said that she will do whatever she wants. I continued to implore her as her 10 year old daughter came down the stairs but stopped talking just as I saw her. By this point my BPDw was on a tirade and said that she is going to call the police if I don't stop talking. I said "WHAT... .why would you do that". She said " I will tell them that you are being verbally abuse and controlling". With that I said nothing more except "YOU GOTTA GO". She said " I am". When she got back from the store, she told me " I want what you want" (which was to leave my house asap and go back to her country). Since my finances basically dwindled to nothing trying to keep this relationship afloat for the last three years, I told her " you know I don't have much left". She said " that may not be enough" and said that she needs plane tickets for her and her daughter, 6 months rent up front, and money to live and for a car. I asked her if she arrived at a dollar figure. She said she would be fair and work it out.

AT THIS POINT I AM HAPPY TO PAY. I most certainly do not want to leave her in the lurch. I never would do that to her.

I just hope she really will try to be reasonable.

Am I a cad to ask her to sell her engagement ring and wedding band? We can sell the new car that I bought her and recoup some money from that. Maybe sell our time share for a pittance but at least it is something.

Does anybody have any other ideas?

I am trying to stay in the moment and not go to the lonely scared child within me.

I am feeling a bit relieved. I am just scared at FOG setting in.

Thank you for anything you might be able to give me advice on.

[michel71]

Hello everyone. Tonight was the last straw. After watching my BPDw drink a bottle of wine a night, I confronted her about it. I had been stewing over it all day and decided that I wasn't going to just turn a blind eye to this. I told her that I have had enough and that there will be no more drinking in my house. PERIOD. She said that she will do whatever she wants. I continued to implore her as her 10 year old daughter came down the stairs but stopped talking just as I saw her. By this point my BPDw was on a tirade and said that she is going to call the police if I don't stop talking. I said "WHAT... .why would you do that". She said " I will tell them that you are being verbally abuse and controlling". With that I said nothing more except "YOU GOTTA GO". She said " I am". When she got back from the store, she told me " I want what you want" (which was to leave my house asap and go back to her country). Since my finances basically dwindled to nothing trying to keep this relationship afloat for the last three years, I told her " you know I don't have much left". She said " that may not be enough" and said that she needs plane tickets for her and her daughter, 6 months rent up front, and money to live and for a car. I asked her if she arrived at a dollar figure. She said she would be fair and work it out.

AT THIS POINT I AM HAPPY TO PAY. I most certainly do not want to leave her in the lurch. I never would do that to her.

I just hope she really will try to be reasonable.

Am I a cad to ask her to sell her engagement ring and wedding band? We can sell the new car that I bought her and recoup some money from that. Maybe sell our time share for a pittance but at least it is something.

Does anybody have any other ideas?

I am trying to stay in the moment and not go to the lonely scared child within me.

I am feeling a bit relieved. I am just scared at FOG setting in.

Thank you for anything you might be able to give me advice on.

[willy45]

Hey Buddy,

I would hold off on making any decisions regarding money... .I don't know the situation but be careful. I'm not sure what you owe her and it sounds like she is going to take as much as you possibly can.

If I were in your situation, I would access what I can afford to loose without destroying my own finances and well being. That would be my number that I would be willing to pay to get her out of my life.

Remember, you matter here. You matter a lot. And you deserve a lot more. Don't hurt yourself even more by giving up your ability to survive. Do that. Don't let her come up with a number. That doesn't make any sense. Think of this as a negotiation. Whenever I negotiate, I get a number in my head that I am willing to live with, that doesn't compromise me, and then aim for higher. Do that. Get that number. Tell her you will give her less and if she argues, go up a bit. Just don't ever, ever, ever cross that number in your mind. Because that is your health and safety.

[Recooperating]

Hey Michel,

Sorry to hear you're in pain and confused.

I think (but thats probably none of my business) that you are way too much of a nice guy to her, but I do understand where you are coming from. FOG my friend, in this case guilt... .

I know she moved across the globe to be with you and she gave up her live there to be with you here... .But thats a 50/50 responsibility.

Please dont sell your heart and soul and all you have to accomodate her and you are left with the debts.

I speak from experience... .You know my story. My exBPD didnt move cause I bailed out. But I paid everything... .His rent, food, live... .Even when we broke up I gave him the money we had saved up for the wedding although he still owed me €2000,- that he had lent from me. I should not have done that, but I let him guilt trip me. Now I am struggling to pay rent and bills, with a €15.000 debt I had spent on him. He moved in with my replacement, doesnt pay rent and got himself a nice sum out of it... .

Ofcourse you should be "fair" to her... .So why not let a lawyer advice you on this. Let them make a "clear minded, non guilt trip, non judgmental" decision on how to handle finances?

Did you consult a lawyer already? Do you have something stated in a pre-nop?

Dont make decisions being the nice guy, and regret it later like I do... .

Hang in there Michel, you're doing good by chosing yourself! Stay strong and keep coming here!  

[Tibbles]

Hi Michel. So sorry you are in such a hard place right now.  I agree with the advice that the others have given. Don't forget that you matter too and you want to make it fair, and that means fair for you too. A lawyers advice would be a good thing to get right now. Some thing non emotional you can refer back to when your emotions are running wild inside you. I don't have anything else to add, just really feeling for you   

[willy45]

Good idea. Talk to a lawyer. You need good, non-partial advice here and follow it. If you are getting totally FOG'ed, then you won't be able to see things clearly. You will think you are just trying to be a nice guy and blah blah blah. But you need to take care of yourself. Get clear on what you can afford. Talk to a lawyer and use this lawyer as your ally in this. You will feel much better about it 6 months out.

And trust me on this, your BPD will survive. She has up until now. She will afterwards too. Don't fall for all the drama and the demands.

[michel71]

Thanks for all the replies. I don't want to get stuck in fog. Made a huge mistake checking my facebook tonight and saw all these cryptic things she wrote on her page with all her "mates" back home asking if she was all right. Sad that she does not see her part in all this... .and never will I am afraid.