Long Term Relationships and Healing

[Hopeless777]

I'd appreciate hearing from nons who exited from LTRs (> 20 Years.) For example, coping skills to get over the pain, divorce experiences, moving on and letting go, etc. after 28 years together, 3+ months separated, and 2+ months NC (except through lawyers), I continue to have very difficult days, but am slowly getting better, I think.

[Tibbles]

Hi Hopeless777

My situation - I was with my ex for 30 yrs, married for 26yrs, two kids D19 and S21 when I left. When I left I felt  "that's it - divorce" but ended up re-cycling, going to marriage counselling 6m after I left and he has just decided he wants a divorce. I've gone NC for 3 weeks now, I am so determined not to re-cycle again, but am about to have to communicate with him regarding selling of the house etc. His BPD really kicked in about 10 years ago when he had a major health crisis, Looking back I think he felt such a loss of control over his health and life that all his anxieties and abandonment issues from his childhood came to the surface. I had no idea how to cope and looking back I did all the wrong things to help and just made it so much worse. I am his trigger now, it feels that just by breathing I set him off into a rage. I left because my anxiety and panic attacks were destroying me and I could not go on any more.

How do I cope - very badly some days, others better. The hardest thing for me is that I want the nice husband back so much. I don't want a divorce from him. He is such a good man. But that option is not available for me any more. I am his trigger and accepting that is so hard. I have no desire for another relationship. I need to sort myself out and mend and address all my co-dependency issues etc. Because I have the kids with me I haven't had to face life by myself and that scares me. Both kids are uni students and they will leave home one day and that terrifies me. If I let myself, my fears can get a grip of me, being 50 and starting out alone scares me, having no support in old age, $ worries etc so I have to watch that and make sure I take things one day at a time. I have so many hard times infront of me, it is going to be tough.

BUT

I am not living in fear any more and that feels good. My kids aren't living in fear any more and that is worth gold to me. I am slowly learning I can have a life away from him, and it is an ok life. Not a wonderful life, but a life and that is an achievement. I also got a cat - having a pet has been so healing for myself and the kids. Something to love that demands nothing back. I've read a lot about detaching on this site and that has helped. Time has helped and following through with whatever my T tells me to do, even when I think it sounds silly and don't feel like it, eg sitting at the beach, sitting in the sun - all those looking after yourself things. That's as far as I've got. I am determined to heal, and to grow and I make a point of being grateful for what I do have rather than focusing on what I don't have.

I'm glad you posted this thread. I'd really like to hear how you are going and any other LTR leavers too. It is hard and it sucks but when I take it one day at a time and focus on how good it feels to be out of the drama and fear, then life in ok. As you said - slowly getting better, I think x x x

[Hopeless777]

Thank you Tibbles for your reply. I'm so sorry for your situation... .it's so identical to mine. She's wanted a divorce ever since she assaulted me over a year ago, but I kept trying and trying and trying. I have a D28 and S25 that are fortunately on their own now. But I am often racked with grief over losing my bride of 27+ years to this terrible disorder. While I believe my wife was always borderline, it all came crashing down with her medical issues a few years back... .then the rages and violence began against me and I finally had to go before I emotionally and physically died. I too am scared for the future often... .at 57 things look bleak. But then again, I look around the world and see that I have much to be thankful for. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know now who holds the future. I am a better person now than I was six months ago, even if the pain hurts so much still. I send you peace and know I am always here for you.

[Dutched]

Long term with a HFw. A 30+ yrs, 2 kids (now 23 and 19) Late 2010 (almost 4 yrs. out now) all ended abruptly in a final outburst of her.

She left her family also abruptly when she was 18yrs., didn’t want contact for 9 yrs.

I a sense it stayed dormant (High Functioning) for almost 20 yrs. although in the bad days (many) had to talk hours and hours in order to get her back on baseline.

In retrospect the real face and troubles surfaced 2001 (so 9yrs. before the end) and really intensified since 2005 (every 3 to 5 months an outburst).

She refused to see a psychiatrist, for herself, our family and our future. As I learned about BPD a few yrs. before the end, learned techniques, confidence was back to sustain the r/s (wanted to grow old with her, become loving grandparents, enjoy retirement, etc).

She was gone within 2 weeks, left ‘temporarily for my rest’…).

Took her 9 months to file… in the meantime: I hate you, I don’t want you – please be there for me.

The procedure, high conflict (finalized late 2013/ not even 1 yr. ago!). She filed for, but was the victim, dissociative creating facts out of her feelings. So be alert, document everything, incl. mail(!), I avoided any face to face talks. And educate your lawyer (they really don’t know!)

The time itself was a living hell. It is compared with “going cold turkey”, detoxing  from drugs, months a 3-4hrs. sleep a night, waking up soaking wet, 24/7 in your mind. Abrupt ones family is destroyed, no closure, ex not having the guts to use the word divorce. And, even up to this day, she never said goodbye, but still wearing earrings I once gave (although she seems to have a soother now).

Honestly I had almost no time for healing. My S was months before his exams. Imagine how he felt, plus a ‘mom’ that manipulated him, didn’t attend at his graduation(!) and never paid for anything since she left!

So since she left, he relies on me (‘you know I can’t discuss matters with mom’, 'you know she has weird solutions'.

During the process I lost my daughter (S lives with me, D went with ex), same ‘temperament’ as mom… (as D’s grandmother, runs in families I say). D passed me within arm’s length as being dead, total dead! As I am the cause of all. Tried many times to re establish contact (S helped too), no effect.   

So mid 50 now, family gone, D gone, mortgage free house gone, financial secure retirement gone.

I gained too. I have the house (with mortage), besides some really small worthless stuff (still that dissociative mind of ex) I have all the belongings.

Although the house is clean of eggshells  and other “left over’s” I take my time. I am executing my planning on the maintenance of the house (due to all I stopped as sale or not was 3 yrs. pending), having some really good friends and family which I enjoy. I am not hanging around in bars, but rather enjoy (cultural) activities. And no dating, as I don’t feel to and in fact enjoying my rest (despite the remaining pain of losing D), which in fact started only late last year.

[Tibbles]

Hi Dutched

So sorry to read about your journey and pain. We put so many years into the relationship and to have it end the way it has is initially soul destroying. I am so sorry to hear about your daughter too, as you say - may run in the family. It's a horrible illness. Thank you for posting. At the start I felt like I was the only long term relationship that didn't make it, it helps to know others who have hung in there for so long could not beat the illness either.

I like what Hopeless 777 said "I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know now who holds the future. I am a better person now than I was six months ago, even if the pain hurts so much still"

At least we are out of the madness and the future is ours - whatever it is going to look like. For me I think that means working till I'm in my 80's at least 

[grover11]

My story is very similar to Dutched.

I was married almost 24 years (Sept 15th Aniversary) and left late April this year. My youngest son was very supportive and my older son was not. He wouldn't speak to me for 3 months before he finally let it go and contacted me, we actually get along better now than when I was still with her.

I will be 54 in October and it is a little scary considering my future but I feel whatever that future is will be better than the one I left.

I have been getting alot of texts that are all over the map ranging from sarcasm, anger to begging. I was hoping to split amicably but that appears not to be the case. After alot of thinking I have decided to give her all the assets of the marriage. She will get the house, car and part of my pension (we had separated a few years ago and she signed off my pension then so it will only cost me 2 extra years of work to get my goal). I figure this way there is really nothing to fight over as the kids are grown now. Giving up the material things is worth the peace it will bring me.

I have accepted my "single" life and it makes me pretty happy.I can do alot of things that I didn't before without the feeling of having to explain myself for everything I did that didn't include her. And I gotta tell you coming home to my apartment without feeling like I'm walking on a landmine is really something. I don't think I'm ready to date yet but I'm sure I'll just know when I'm ready.

[clairedair]

Hi Hopeless777,

I was married over 20 years. I would link the start of the relationship breakdown to his mother's death (exH's perspective very different). My exH feels that I left the relationship emotionally so his view is that I left him first.  So I became the abandoner.  There's some truth to that.  I was exhausted and confused and then angry and hurt by his criticism and anger at me for not being what he needed.  Like Tibbles, I had no idea how to cope and made things a hundred times worse.  We separated then recycled many times over a period of years (all leaving and reconciling at his instigation).  He was instantly in a serious relationship with someone else and she was recycled too.  We got together after divorcing, he eventually left again and within the year married someone he'd only been dating a short time.

I was done when he disappeared without telling me he was leaving.  I couldn't excuse his behaviour any longer.  I was nearly destroyed by his lack of respect - after a near 30 year relationship he didn't even talk to me about leaving.  I had to work it out for myself and his disappearing and quickly 'replacing' me still has the power to have me feeling worthless until I put it into the context of years of dysfunction and similar actions towards me people who have loved him.

I don't mean that I stopped loving him overnight - I probably still do - but at the time of that last split, I realised nothing was going to change. 

I am OK if I don't have any contact.  I find this sad if I think about it - how could we have shared so much and then not have any interaction?  I think some people find it strange after we've been apart for so long but they don't get the utter confusion and mindgames of these relationships. NC gives me space and time to heal.  The downside is that when we do have contact (we have older children), I am totally thrown by a wave of very intense emotion so I obviously haven't worked through it all yet.

He seems much more settled now and has been much nicer to me when he is in contact.  That's partly why it's difficult - he sounds and behaves like the man I was married to when things were better.  I miss that man.

I get very angry at myself for not being 'over it' by now (nearly 2 years since last split).  Someone told me to be more gentle with myself - she described me as 'grief-stricken' and in a way that helped because she's right.  I feel that I lost so much (even if part of what I lost was a fantasy) and it's healthy to need time to grieve that. 

This sounds a bit negative so I should finish by saying that overall, I am in a better place.  I am doing well at work (having been made redundant when things were at their worst); I have re-established important relationships that suffered; I am looking after myself and it's no bad thing that even at my age I am learning more about myself; and, most importantly, the children stay with me when they are not at uni.  My exH may have been able to find love again quickly, travel the world, advance his career but I still got the best deal.

I don't come here so often now but it's the only place where my 'unique' situation is fully understood and its been a lifeline.

take care,

Claire

[Dutched]

First of all apologizes for not showing any empathy or expressing my feelings in my post for your situation.

I really do!  I wouldn’t even wish an enemy to go through what we endured.

It seems that the 3 of you – hopeless, Tibbles, gover11 - left the r/s as the situation became totally unbearable.

I completely understand!

A 3-4 yrs. before the end I have had many, many thoughts about leaving too, however a kind of “investigated” consequences for the kids (life long (emotional)consequences with a 50% higher divorce rate, etc), me (emotionally, etc.), financially and the r/s in total with the woman I was in love with since my 20th, all besides my strong marriage vow (yep, that too) I decided to stay, fight (pls. don’t understand me wrong! It is absolutely not meant that you didn’t fight for your family!) and make things work again “as they always did”.

Wishful thinking maybe (the disorder always win, as a member once wrote).

Point for me is the abrupt destruction (Saturdays shopping hand in hand, Sunday all was over) in front of the kids! No empathy, no forewarning, cold as ice when my son cried (who didn’t even understood the meaning of his ‘mom’s’ words when she said “I’ll leave temporarily for my rest, and the kids come with me”.  Temporarily = divorce. Of course I tried to convince her to change her mind, as I succeeded in many other occasions when she was out of control, no success.

Point for me (maybe you feel that too) I think is the long history. We grew older together, building a future, having kids, a house, etc. A lifetime passed!

Now at an age (mid 50) in which a certain consolidation of life becomes prudent (kids studying, later leaving, becoming grandparents, retirement, etc.) and reclaiming as a couple more time together (that last year we made several weekend trips together, together since “pre-kids” time) then all is over in a blink of an eye.

As strange as it might sound (this evening I spoke about it with my niece and nephew) somehow I do long for ex and my family more than I long for my daughter! So strange as we had a very close bond! They noticed that I didn’t mention D's name at all, as I only referred to her as my sons sister…

I think she hurt me so much as being the one (besides my son) of whom I never would have expect it.

And… there a more on this Board after (or still in) a long term r/s, we are only minority.

Sometimes I “wished” being here at an age of 25-35 after 1-4 yrs. r/s, no kids, etc. with many, many years of a good 2nd change ahead (not dismissing any of the devastating pain we all feel).

I hope more with/after a really long r/s reply.

[Dutched]

I posted my response just after yours clairedair, otherwise I would have included my comment.

As we read and read, we, in a way, fulfilled their need and became useless.

The shame prevails, then their pure survival instinct take over, as to confront their own pain will cause them so much more pain, so they must avoid it at any costs. For us they act as we were less than garbage to them!

You experienced it as he didn’t even wanted to talk with you about leaving after a 30 yrs!

I experienced it that exw avoided at any costs the word divorce, however she filed.

Exw refused to shake my hand twice as a goodbye.

Exw, even up to today, never said/wrote goodbye, not to mention that ex would ever be capable to wish me the best for my future, as I wished her. But, almost 4 yrs. since she left, she still wears the earrings I once gave her (although ex seems to have a soother now).

It is OK to take your time to heal, I  occasionally gets still very angry. Special when my S is infected with her “care”. On this Board we understand the pain and grieve. Others in our social circle can’t even imagine what we went through and (special in retrospect) how emotionally intense our r/s was! Asking me isn’t it time so get a gf, or you can’t stay single… Not even my T understood it fully as not many over here seek help (still a bit embarrassing to see psychologist ).

As you mention, you ex found someone… yes, finally ex is really happy, isn’t he?

Or in my case exw so happy with, as I refer to anyone, a soother.  

Recently photo’s of a local event that lasted several days were published (an event which ex enjoys so much, looks so forward to).  

Posing, than a happy smile, except the eyes; unnoticed/“candid” taken, the eyes. The eyes (over 30yrs for me THE thermometer of her emotional status) on all photo’s were dead and empty and suffering. The facial expression on the candid ones? No expression of any joy to see, total in line with her eyes.

I don’t feel sorry for her, I warned her years and years during hours and hours talk to get her back to baseline, and specifically referring to her growing burden of her “action” towards her parents when she was 18 yr.

She made a choice as an adult (maybe driven by emotions of a 4yr. old).

I also don’t feel any kind of  nschade (different topic on the Board).

[Hopeless777]

I'm sure there MUST be others here that exited (voluntarily or involuntarily) 20+ year relationships with an SO with BPD. Mostly it seems like Bf/Gf relationships. The ones that break my heart are the ones with young children involved. So sad and wretched. Anyways, the detachment from a relationship that lasted for longer than half your adult life is tough, at least for me. Even though I was treated horribly the last two years, I do remember the good times and future plans that are now over. BPD is crueler than the grave.

[mywifecrazy]

I was married to my uBPDxw for 18yrs and in a relationship for 20yrs. My marriage ended ABRUPTLY on Fathers Day 2013 when I caught her in bed with my neighbor and family friend (her best friends husband  )

She never came back. She abandoned me and our two sons (8&13). My world as I knew it came crashing down all around me as I was caught totally off guard. I had no idea that the woman I loved for so long was capable of not only cheating on me with someone so close but to then be so cold to me and our sons. I had no idea of BPD at that time. The rejection of me was so sudden and so fierce that I went into a clinical depression. I felt like a zombie for several months. My poor sons were put into a position of having to be strong in consoling their Dad even to the point of putting their own emotions from their own pain on hold while they tended to me. I cried every day for 5 months. These were no ordinary tears. These tears were accompanied by severe pain to the point where my whole body hurt. I didn't sleep much in those months.

I tried everything to save the marriage. Forgiveness, counseling, taking blame, etc. to no avail. She just kept projecting and blaming me for everything. My depression broke in Oct 2013 when I was able to log onto her cell phone records and discovered just exactly who she was. I was sickened to my stomach when I saw in black and white what a sick person she was and the number of men that she was running around with both during my marriage and after. It was at this exact moment my depression left me and anger took over. The truth will set you free!

Fast forward to the present. My uBPDxw is not involved with our sons lives except for seeing them every other weekend. She has totally abandoned her own family (Mother, Sister, Brother) She hasn't seen her Mom in a year. I actually brought her Mother to one of my sons hockey games and My X ignored her own mother. It was a very sad thing to witness! I am now being put in a position of having to sell my house and find a new place to live for me and my sons as my uBPDxw has decided to move in right across the street from me with my neighbor. Beam me up Scotty I need to get off this crazy BPD planet  

I have been NC (extreme LC as we have kids) since I uncovered her cell records back in Oct 2013. I don't think a day goes by that I'm not replaying things in my mind about my X or I get some kind of ah ha memory about something in our relationship that leads me to believe she was lying or covering something up. I now know through talking to her family, my family and others that she was making up horrible lies about me being abusive to her so she could portray herself as a victim to have men feel sorry for her and to start affairs. I had no idea. She was a waif type BPD and a Chameleon. She is also a pathological liar. I'm now left to deal with the fact that my whole relationship with her was a shame! She never did love me, she only used me. When she was done using me she detached and is now attached to my neighbor. I don't mean to sound cruel but she's like a leach. She didn't just detach from me but she also detached from her own mother and siblings.

Life is hard as I'm now taking care of my two,sons by myself. I work full time then come home and work full time again taking care of the boys. I'm not complaining. It would really suck if I only had EOW or even 50/50 custody. I thank God for this. I truely feel,that it was divine intervention that I have primary custody because Mom isn't acting like a mom! Sometime I feel so beaten down and I'm always running on lack of sleep!

What has helped me? Without a doubt is my faith in God through Jesus. This is what gives me strength and peace. I still have a lot of anger towards my X for what she's done and now that she is moving in across the street and forcing me to move. It's my faith and my education from these boards that help me process my anger in a healthy way. I also attend Celebrate Recovery and have went through Divorce Care at my church which was very helpful. I'm luckier than some on here as my X was so impulsive in leaving me that I'm in pretty good shape financially as she settled quickly with some cash and left.

I do feel better now. I am much healthier both physically and emotionally now that I'm moving on. The only thing that keeps me stuck is my sons. Having to see them hurting because their Mom wants little to do with them is very painful for me. And the fact that she is willing to live across the street but at the same time not see them is F¥cking insane! I think when I'm able to move (next year) that my sons and I can start to finally put things behind us and start moving forward together.  I hope I didn't ramble on too much

MWC... .

[Tibbles]

Hi MWC.

It is devastating isn't it - to give all those years and have it vanish. And to be treated the way you have been treated, and your poor sons. Far Out! That is just so wrong. Great that you can move, as much as that all takes extra energy etc, to get totally away from her will be so wonderful for you all.

Dutched - I get the longing for the ex and family. I feel it too. I long for the family unit to be whole and healthy and for me ex to be back in my life. As you say - the bond was so strong. Especially when I am tired, then I find it really hard, but I'm getting better at recognising that and know I'll feel better after a sleep.

[Boss302]

I'd appreciate hearing from nons who exited from LTRs (> 20 Years.) For example, coping skills to get over the pain, divorce experiences, moving on and letting go, etc. after 28 years together, 3+ months separated, and 2+ months NC (except through lawyers), I continue to have very difficult days, but am slowly getting better, I think.

First, you ARE getting better based on your newer posts! 

I don't know if I'm the best person to ask about this, because my situation might be different than yours. I spent 18 years with my uBPDx, and during that time, I pretty much fell out of love with her completely. Her behavior literally massacred whatever feelings I had for her over time. And pretty shortly after I left her, I met someone else whom I love very deeply (we've been together over four years now). There were also events happening that made our living situation untenable, so I had little choice but to go out on my own. So, when I left I her, I did so with no second thoughts whatsoever. My family lined up behind me and gave me the emotional and financial support I needed to break away.

In between falling out of love and meeting someone else, though, there was another event that I think was important: I got back into contact with an old flame before I left my wife. And while we never "got together," talking to her rekindled something in me: the idea that I was a good man who was worthy of being loved and deserved to be in a good relationship with someone who loved me right back. I had subsumed myself so thoroughly in my marriage that I had literally lost myself. Being in contact with someone from my past reminded me who I was. In retrospect, this was key not only to my being open to loving someone else down the line, but to realizing that my marriage had failed utterly, and that I was utterly miserable in it. I left my wife soon thereafter.

At the same time this was happening, my SO was going through something very similar with her husband - he was an alcoholic, not a borderline, but her marriage was also dead emotionally. She ended up back in contact with an old boyfriend who reminded her that she was worthy of being loved too. And that's how we both went into our relationship - two people who believed firmly that they deserved a truly loving relationship... .and that's what we have. Thank God. And while being with someone else after I left my wife complicated matters with my children, it also shielded me from the worst "please come back to me" BPD behaviors that I see so often here. I mean, what was she going to do - tempt me back with sex when I was head in heels in love with someone else? Lotsa luck... .

In the end, I think truly recovering from a BPD marriage or relationship involves believing that you are worthy of being loved. Once I came to believe that, I was ready to move on. I just got lucky and moved on quicker than most... .

[Boss302]

Hi MWC.

It is devastating isn't it - to give all those years and have it vanish.

Absolutely... .but on the other hand, I was FREE after all those miserable years. And it was such a wonderful feeling! I had a place of my own, free from BPDx and her Norma Desmond act, and all the "Hoarders"-quality squalor.

[Hopeless777]

I'm sure there must be others with insight into coping with LTRs gone bad. I try to stay in the moment but at 57 I sometimes wonder about the future... .the one I planned with her, and now the one I must plan with just me. Thoughts? Some days are just plain hard!

[Dutched]

I'm sure there must be others with insight into coping with LTRs gone bad.

Some others after a long r/s are

Toomanytears    31 yrs.

Spottydog   18 yrs.

Others I once found and of which postings might be useful for our path are:

Awakecj      33 yrs.

Octoberfes   25 yrs.

Hardhabit2   28 yrs.

Ramble      25 yrs.

I try to stay in the moment but at 57 I sometimes wonder about the future... .the one I planned with her, and now the one I must plan with just me. Thoughts? Some days are just plain hard!

And… same for me. It hurts ad mid 50 as, indeed some plain hard days in which I long for my family, still.

And people will tell you this change is called "growth", a new me, so many years ahead so enjoy, etc., etc., while you know that must mean all "growth" is so overrated after losing the most important in my life, my family.

[Wastedyears25]

My relationship was 28 years, married for 25, we have S21 and D15. This is the 3rd and last time we have separated, first and second times uBPDh left, this time I left. I had also hoped we would grow old together, S21 was already out on his own and we were making our happily ever after retirement plans. Places we would like to travel, things we wanted to see and do when we were empty nesters.

There were plans to sell the business, pay off all the bills and live debt free. Now all of those plans are gone and I'm starting my life over in my late 40's.


After the last replacement went bust 5 years ago and we recycled he pretended to be the person I had fell in love with all those years ago but he couldn't sustain the facade. I would see glimpses of the angry, blaming person from time to time but the facade would return and I would be assured by him he was a changed person. A couple of years ago the "real" him kept surfacing more and more often so we started marriage counseling at my urging, 6 months into marriage counseling, he quit abruptly after announcing "you're not doing counseling right". I didn't know there was a right way and a wrong way to participate in counseling. In the last year his rages went from every 2 months to every month to every week. In one of his rages 6 months ago he moved my belongings into the guest room where I stayed until the day I left. He told me I was to stay on my side of the house and he would stay on his, his own boundary that he never did abide by. Looking back now I see that I had been slowly detaching myself emotionally from him for the last 12-18 months, self preservation kicked in I guess. Leaving was hard but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I don't have all the material things I had but my children's happiness, my sanity and peace and quite are worth their weight in gold.

[Tibbles]

I like your comment about growth being so over-rated after loosing the most important thing, my family, Dutched. I am so over growth and development! Feels like I've done enough in the last 15 months to last a life time! And bugger it - I want my family back! My retirement back, my travel back, my plans back!

Yes Hopless777, some days are just plain hard. Today has been one of them. Feeling low, things at work haven't gone well, I'm tired and worried about the future etc, etc, etc. But no matter how awful I feel, I feel better than when I was with my ex, being raged at, getting panic and anxiety attacks, watching my kids get so damaged. At least that has all stopped. So some good has also come out of it all.

[Hopeless777]

I like your comment about growth being so over-rated after loosing the most important thing, my family, Dutched. I am so over growth and development! Feels like I've done enough in the last 15 months to last a life time! And bugger it - I want my family back! My retirement back, my travel back, my plans back!

Yes Hopless777, some days are just plain hard. Today has been one of them. Feeling low, things at work haven't gone well, I'm tired and worried about the future etc, etc, etc. But no matter how awful I feel, I feel better than when I was with my ex, being raged at, getting panic and anxiety attacks, watching my kids get so damaged. At least that has all stopped. So some good has also come out of it all.

Yes Tibbles, very true. The life I now lead alone is safe and peaceful. The last two years with my BPDw were traumatizing as I never knew who was showing up. I was so tired of running for my life and hiding I just couldn't take it any more... .I literally thought I was going to die or go to jail on some trumped up charge. It's just so confusing and frustrating coming out of a long term relationship. I just don't know if I can rebuild again. I hope so.

[Tibbles]

Rebuilding is hard, and some days seems too hard but you know what, we are all doing it every day. Every day we get up to a different life and make new choices and heal just that tiny bit more. Whether we know it or not, or feel like we are or not, we are making new lives for ourselves, we are rebuilding. For me it's about making peace with the new life. That's the tricky bit!

[Reforming]

Hi all,

I spent 16 years with my udBPDexgf. Our relationship ended 2 years ago.

I discovered she was having an affair (I think there were others) with a work colleague and after spending six months in MC I ended the relationship.

She clung on, begged and pleaded for another chance and it dragged on for another year until she restarted her affair and moved out when I was away on a work trip.

Understanding and accepting what happened has been very difficult at times.

We never married though she put considerable pressure on me at various points. I loved her, but wasn't prepared to get married unless she got some help for what I thought were FOO and CSA issues.

We didn't have children, which in some respects is a blessing though I grieve that loss in other ways.

I did seek help for my own issues at various points, though never with the necessary commitment or responsibility for my own problems. If I had, I would probably have left the relationship earlier, but I didn't

At times I still grieve for the loss of the relationship, for the time I invested in it and for the loss of the person I thought she was

But, when we split I made a promise to myself that I would emerge from the experience stronger, wiser, healthier and better.

I would not allow her or our relationship to define me or my life.

Call it growth, recovery, rediscovery whatever words strike the right chord, but we all have a choice in how we respond to our experience.

This choice defines who we are and who we become

When I look around I see lots of people struggling to recover from terrible setbacks. Serious illness, the death of love one ones, financial disasters, career setbacks, bankruptcy etc. Some of it is extreme, some of it is less dramatic, but just as sad.

An aunt of mine was divorced by her husband after he was forced to admit a long term affair. He married and moved on, but she has spent the last 20 years of her life clinging to her marriage, to the past, unable to accept that is over. I feel sad for her, but I feel angry at this waste of her life.

Others overcome terrible adversity to accomplish extraordinary things filling their lives with happiness and fulfilment.

I don't believe that it's genetic. No matter what age we are I do believe that we can all learn and change even if it's uncomfortable and difficult.

I would never suggest that it's easy, it's a frustrating rocky road filled with self doubt and fear. I've fallen down repeatedly along the way, but I know in my heart it's the only way for me. Sheer stubbornness, curiosity about what life holds and a feeling of responsibility to myself to be the best that I can be, to try my best to make the most of my life has helped me pick myself up and keep trying.

I feel happier and healthier when I'm moving forward. When I stall I start to dwell on what was and what might have been, typically through a lens shaped by fantasy, idealisation and a denial of the true nature of the person I loved, the reality of my relationship and my own choices.

The reality of the disorder

The good partner and the bad partner are the same person and when someone has BPD that bad eclipses the good. Even though I know that this is the truth I found really accepting this very hard. We know that they idealise us for a while, but our own idealisation is much more insidious and profound and harder to break down. I clung to the good moments as evidence that she really loved me, that I was special and worthy of love. In order to accept who they are we need to accept who we are and that is hard. When I slip I review my good / bad list and remind myself of my exes actions. Not my fantasy of who I wanted her to be, but who she actually was

The reality of our relationship

I found it particularly hard to accept that my long term relationship was never healthy because it felt like I was erasing my own identity and by extension my own self worth. Did she ever really love me? Was it all a lie? Am I intrinsically unlovable? I was left facing difficult questions. The hardest was why did I stay so long?

Our choices

We chose this person and stayed even when their behaviour was destructive, cruel and damaging to us and we continued to stay. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but what's the alternative? Clinging to a fantasy built on the foundations of the good moments, the fantasy of the nice person, which just keeps us stuck in longing and regret and robs us of the power to move on and find happiness. However much we may want to believe it is not real

The lessons I've learned

Taking responsibility for our own choices and actions is very difficult, but it's the only way to really detach and move forward

Chronological age does not mean that we are grown up - I had a lot of growing up to do.  

The right therapy and the right therapist can be transformative, but they can't do the work for us

Blame is futile and robs us of ability to move forward and make our lives better

We all need to grieve without judgement or self hatred

Forgiving ourselves is often harder than forgiving others

Real change is incremental and takes time

Taking time to define or redefine you values and goals is an essential step to getting better

I'm most inclined to dwell on the past and regret when I lack direction and purpose

Being fit and in good shape lifts my mood and my self esteem

Drinking is best avoided when you are trying to rebuild your life

Identifying goals and working towards them helps me to be happy and healthy

Mindfullness helps me to accept loss and avoid rumination and regret

Love is not enough

A person can be loveable, but profoundly destructive.

How we treat others defines who we are

No contact is the best way forward

Nobody is going to save us or fix us


I wish you all the best with your healing and your lives.

Reforming

[Tibbles]

Thank you Reforming. That was a great read.

[Hopeless777]

Reforming,

Our first MC session after she got released from jail for DV, and before I even heard about BPD, was "I love her, but I don't think I can live with her." Sounds weird even today now that I know all about BPD. A year later and three recycles, I sill say the same words. Oxymoron if ever there was, just like BPD. Basically I just slept and ruminated today. I know, not good, but maybe sometimes we just need to turn it all off, if even for a day.

[Reforming]

Thanks Tibbles. I hope it helps

I read some very good succinct advice from one of the senior members.

Change can be summed up in two steps

The first step to cognitive change - how we think

The second is to change our behaviour

Change is inevitable, but no matter how we feel we always have the power to shape that change.

Hopeless I've been there and I totally understand the need to turn it off.

I've been using a mindfulness app call headspace. You begin with 10 minutes guided meditation. It's very easy to use and it does help with the rumination.

It may be difficult to see it at times, but there is always light and hope. You just have to take tiny steps in the right direction

Reforming

[Hopeless777]

Thanks Tibbles. I hope it helps

I read some very good succinct advice from one of the senior members.

Change can be summed up in two steps

The first step to cognitive change - how we think

The second is to change our behaviour

Change is inevitable, but no matter how we feel we always have the power to shape that change.

Hopeless I've been there and I totally understand the need to turn it off.

I've been using a mindfulness app call headspace. You begin with 10 minutes guided meditation. It's very easy to use and it does help with the rumination.

It may be difficult to see it at times, but there is always light and hope. You just have to take tiny steps in the right direction

Reforming

Downloaded the headspace app. Excellent recommendation. Then I put on some meditative music , gregorian chants, and had a great nights sleep. Now if I could just figure out how to get up in the morning feeling fresh I'd be so appreciative.

[Dutched]

Reforming, your post is very insightful and hit the nail on many points, thanks!

From my perspective, better maybe, in my mind, I am in a cense tired of that “growth” as I mentioned earlier.

I have seen a T to coop with all after she blew the family up and did mindfulness .

Already during the r/s I found out of BPD, learned and minimized her outbursts to a 1x a year.

Considering the total package (high functioning) I never doubted not to continue the r/s, although, from a objective point of view the r/s might have been in a way dysfunctional, I not only loved that woman, I committed myself for various reasons among in my wedding vow.

Now being mid 50, another dimension can’t be neglected. That is an age in which a certain life goal is accomplished, kids studying or graduated, being independent, partners having time again for each other, mortgage paid, etc.

So one sits together on the couch with in general satisfying talks of the past and confident for the future, at least we did.

Until the day she blew all up in a blink of an eye! No empathy, no remorse, etc.

Then in fact what really happens is (besides pain, consequences for kids, etc.) once life is destroyed.

That reaches far beyond any individual “growth”.

The family bond of “we” is gone, kids are devastated and need on average 3 yr to heal and adapt!

Live long kids suffer consequences ( no, despite all reassuring words they are NOT more “flexible” than we are. that is to sooth the conscience of parents!).

Gone are family traditions, Christmas, birthdays, routines and habits within the house. No more shopping together and taking a relaxed coffee break on a terrace. 

Thinking about birthdays and Christmas again. Kids must split themselves, making choices out of 2 worst, because of their love and loyalty.

And I must “grow” as person, even as a new father… and become a grandfather one day. Grand children never visiting their grandparents, only 1 person to visit… (even when in another r/s), a grandfather... .

Despite any dysfunction, your mate is gone, the one closed to you. No more wisdom, no more back up, no joined joys and pains.   

Bonds with the family of ex are broken, suddenly after decades. So no more celebrations and outgoings. Friends will choice a side. Social gatherings become “different”, going to parties alone, activities/ one must attend alone.

Couples socialize with couples. We used to see places with friends/family couples, no more. One is a fifth-wheel, so the social circle shrinks.   

Don’t understand me wrong, it is not attacking anyone, these are just plain consequences (besides all financial ones). Consequences that are seemingly overseen, or maybe better hardly ever are outspoken. 

On his board we focus on healing, processing our hurt after devastating experiences.

Elsewhere (just plain various sites dedicated to “life after divorce”) all kind of advise is given “how to move on”, hardly any attention at all go’s to what I described. Seems to difficult to face for those “move on” therapists…

I felt deep pain, nowadays a kind of jealous hurt, when I see couples of my age and older together, when I see families barbequing together (haven’t used mine for 4 yrs. now…). Don’t you feel that?

As being told: “you can’t stay single… come on(!), there is still a whole wonderful happy life waiting” …

[Reforming]

Hi Hopeless

I'm glad that you've found the mindfulness app useful. I was actually a little shocked when I began to realise just how busy my mind was. At times I really struggle to not slip into obsessive mental loops, but I have had also some really great moments were I felt very present and in the moment. It takes time and patience, but I think it can be a great help.

I know what you mean about waking up tired and flat. Just getting out of bed in the morning can be real struggle when you're low.

You've probably already explored this, but I found exercise and good diet really help. I walk at least four miles every day (usually six).

I also take various supplements. CoQ10, Fish Oils, Magnesium and if I'm really struggling to get to sleep I sometimes take a nightall (no sleeping pills)

I stopped drinking for long periods. It might sound a bit extreme, but it's really helped to improve my mood, my physical well being and my sleep. I wasn't an alcoholic and I'm certainly not planning on never drinking again, but I think it's worth it when you're rebuilding your life.

To sleep well I think you have to get into the right mind frame and I try to switch off at least an hour before I go to bed.

Journalling is another brilliant way to clear your mind and express your feelings and it's also really helps to chart your progress. When you reread your journal it can surprising how much progress you're making when you feel like you're going nowhere. I find it a great way to have a positive dialogue with myself, praising myself when I take positive steps and make progress and clarifying and understanding what's happening when things go wrong.

I had got into the habit of spending to much time browsing my iPad in bed and there's good evidence that the light from electronic devices disrupts our sleep so I've cut right back on that. I also think spending time online or watching TV leaves you feeling slightly wired, which certainly doesn't help your quality sleep so I try to read more now to shut down.

I've tried to make my bedroom into a safe and restful place so I keep it tidy and nice. I sometimes use Lavender oil in a burner to help. I also found hypnotherapy for relaxation great tool to get me into a restful sleep.


Hi Dutched,

I hear you what you're saying and though I'm not in your shoes your loss resonates with me. I knew my exes family for almost 20 years, I spent Christmases with them, went to weddings and watched their kids grow up.

Now, that part of my life and that part of my identity is gone. It's brutal, but that's the reality. I grieve for it, which is healthy and right, but there's nothing that I can do to change it.

Yes your social circle does shrink when a relationship ends. The dynamics change and couples do find it easier to socialise with other couples. It's difficult for friends, their loyalties are torn and some friendships end, which is sad, but even though it might feel like it we're not on our own. There are a lot of single, divorced people out there going through the same pain and difficult growth who pick up the pieces and rebuild their lives, sometimes for the better depending on their attitude and actions.

There are some great ways to make new friends and rebuild your social life. Rediscovering your interests, your passion and meeting with other like minded people is a great way. Meetup has some brilliant groups

It's a steep learning curve and it's painful at times. I often feel like a socially awkward adolescent, stripped of my confidence and vulnerable in situations where I used to feel secure. I try not to judge myself and I'm learning to accept that I'm a different person now and I'm adapting to this.

I know it's said so often that it's become a cliche, but grieving is not a linear process and it's different for everyone.

I'm still get waves of deep sadness and regret, but I try to balance that by being brutally honest with myself about the real nature of my relationship and examine it truthfully, and it's not easy. The more I do this the more I see my own tendency to idealise it and to idealise my ex and slip into fantasy about the past, present and future.

My ex was high functioning - she has a very successful career, but her personal life (probably the most important part of someone's life) was a mess. Her relationships with me, her own family were torn to pieces by chaos and neglect. I committed to her completely and loved her even though my needs were not being met and deep down I was very unhappy

I think my tendency towards fantasy and denial of the truth was a coping strategy that I learned long before I every met my ex, but I found it easier than facing up to the reality of painful emotions.

I stayed for various reasons. Being alone can be frightening because we're left looking at ourselves with nowhere to hide. Not excuses, no distractions, no one to blame for our choices, for our action or inaction.

It is hard when you're older - I'm 47 so I understand that, but every one who comes here has their own challenges

I don't know your life, but from where I'm standing it seems to me that you have a lot of positive things.

It sounds like you're pretty financially secure (I know that this is relative) you have children, you have a home and a career. If you look after yourself you could be around for another 30 years. You can do an awful lot in ten years, never mind thirty if you chose to. It's your choice

It think a lot of us loose ourselves in these relationships by prioritising our partner's needs over ourselves. I think there are various reasons for this. For me I think deep down I didn't feel I was worth more and I struggled to take fully responsibility for my life.

What do you miss most? Your partner? Or being in a relationship?

I came out of my relationship like a baby, vulnerable, frightened, filled with uncertainty and angry at reality.

When the dust settled I began to slowly accept that I chose to be with this person and I chose to stay. When I began to explore my reasons I realised that I more frightened of being on my own and facing up to myself than leaving.

I grieved and I still grieve, but I also learned to accept that loss is an undeniable part of life and until I took responsibility for my choices I couldn't really move forward. So I went to a T and started work on myself.

As I begin to see things more clearly and accept the reality of what happened I am faced with choices.

I can continue to focus on what I have lost, my relationship, my partner, time, money...

Where does that lead me?

Over time I realised that I don't want to spend the rest of my time on this earth mourning a fantasy of what was or what might have been.

Rebuilding your life is hard work, but eminently doable. I'm a different person now than I was and I'm changing in fits and starts. One of the biggest things is getting to really know myself for the first time.

Who am I? What excites me? What are my passions? What are my dreams?

It's takes time and effort, but it's rewarding.

I'm not naive and I don't want to ignore the realities of life. I can see a lot of obstacles ahead, but I also realise that I've been very lucky in many ways and that even though there are dark times, being alive is remarkable

I came across a good talk on Ted, which some suggestions that I found really helpful

The Ted Talk suggested that for 21 days you

Write down 3 gratitudes every day

Journal about 1 positive experience

Take some exercise

Practice mindfulness or meditate

A random or conscious act of kindness. Open up your inbox and write one positive email praising or thanking someone in your social support network.

Sometimes when I look at couples I feel sad, but most of the time I smile because it's nice to see love and happiness. It restores my faith in the world.

Good luck

Reforming.

[JohnLove]

I am finding this thread very insightful and empowering.

I separated from my BPDex 7 years ago after a 20 year relationship. We share 3 children. It took me 18 months to get over the relationship and the loss. I was a basket case initially.

The commitment to myself (and the loving support from friends and family) that formed afterwards propelled me forward in even the darkest days. I have only learnt she is uBPD in the last few months after reading on here with all her terrible unexplained behaviours.

Oh... .the 20/20 hindsight is hurting my eyes!.  

My loss was overwhelming... .especially when my uBPDex tried to stop contact with my children. I have photo's of my middle daughter that still makes me want to cry after she was "abandoned" to me after several months of NC. She was 8 at the time and looks like something out of a POW camp.

To give readers some idea this was a child that is very close to me... .as an example, just how close, when we returned home after the birth she placed the newborn on the lounge room floor and said to me "you wanted her, now you look after her"  .  Which I did. Day and night.

After I fought for years, and eventually won primary care... .she is now a bright (and chubby) 12 year old.  

I feel the deep sharing and tools offered by the participants in this thread are very revealing and helpful to others. The posters show deep understanding of the BPD predicament. How this insight would have helped me so much at my horribly dark times. I blamed myself for much of what happened and that held me back... .and kept me down.

I don't believe even a T can offer this valuable advice in perspective and understanding unless they have been in a BPD relationship themselves. A T can be of enormous assistance personally but this phenonmenon cannot be explained in words it must be experienced.

Hats off to you all.

Keep up the good work!.  

[clairedair]

I felt deep pain, nowadays a kind of jealous hurt, when I see couples of my age and older together, when I see families barbequing together (haven’t used mine for 4 yrs. now…). Don’t you feel that?

As being told: “you can’t stay single… come on(!), there is still a whole wonderful happy life waiting” …

Dutched - your post struck a chord. I am nearly two years out of a near 30-year relationship.  I too am thinking about the kids' graduations, weddings, grandchildren and even just 'normal' sitting on the sofa together - times that many other friends have but I can't.  I too am sick of 'growth' at times and with well-meaning others encouraging me to 'move on' with someone else. 

I think my tendency towards fantasy and denial of the truth was a coping strategy that I learned long before I every met my ex, but I found it easier than facing up to the reality of painful emotions.

Reformed's posts also struck a chord because I realise that there's a part of me still wants the 'family life' with exH even though the reality is that it's not possible.  I wonder if I grieve the loss of the times as a family, the going out as a couple, the idea of welcoming grandchildren to stay with me and their grandfather more than I grieve the loss of ex.  Do I miss him or do I miss having a partner?  Reality of last years was that I didn't really have a partner even when he was around.  He has just split up with the person he was with very soon after our final split and I am going to have to be very careful not to slip into fantasy again - that we could be friends or do stuff 'as a family' - because although I do feel sad about the graduation/grandchildren etc, those are just days here and there and at least at the moment I am free from walking on eggshells.  I don't want to go back there.

I don't mind being on my own and was never scared of that - I stayed for other reasons (not all of them healthy!).  I am happy to go along to parties, music gigs etc on my own but then I notice I'm the only one in the group without a partner and I start to feel uncomfortable.  It does feel so very unfair at times that after everything we've been through, we're still struggling and, in my better moments, I feel that it's also unfair on my exH who still doesn't seem to have found what he was looking for and is leaving a wake of destruction behind him.  Fortunately, he has good relationship with kids but they are again worried about him having thought he was happy. I wish BPD didn't exist - so toxic.

take care,

Claire

[nursemyBPD]

I separated 9mo ago from my high functioning uBPDh of 30yrs marriage. After enduring nearly all our marriage of controlling behavior and verbal & emotional abuse, I had finally decided about 10 years ago, that as soon as our children were grown, I would leave.

    The weird thing is that He often would say he wanted a divorce during the heat of his dysregulation episodes, and I. Usual codependent behavior, I'd just ignore all the vile words, and wait for it too blow over, yet this last time he said it, I surprisingly had the confidence to call him on it, and agreed, made a plan, and followed through on it, and left within 2 months.

     For me I believe I stayed all these years for 2 main reasons, I married at age 20 and was too naive to know better, always thinking if only I did this or that, I could fix him. I did that dance for 10-15 years, with minimal results. In addition we worked alternate shifts while the children were young to avoid daycare, so we rarely saw each other, so that made the occasional outbursts tolerable. When I matured and finally realized his behavior was actually abusive, I thought STILL, my maturity and medical knowledge, could fix him.

      Unfortunately once I finally really pin pointed the likely cause of his Behavior being BPD about 8 years ago, and trying all the techniques here, boundaries, SET etc, I got minimal results, but mostly hot defiance and he ramped up his dysregulation with greater intensity and frequency, to the point that, I knew it wasn't ever going to be right. Our youngest child graduated high school in 2008, and I still tried for another 5 years.

        I finally started to detach with love, about 1 year ago , and kept praying for signs, and strength to finally speak my truth, and give up on the relationship, that he frequently verbalized he no longer cared about. Well the confirmation came when he began and emotional affair that I suspect led to an sexual affair for the first time known to me, and I finally called his bluff, and told,him I planned to leave, and I did!

         He seems unphased at all by me leaving, initially he tried a smear campaign of me, and a few emails and texts, blaming me, but then, nothing, no contact, no recycle attempts, no remorse, nothing, just discarded after 30yrs of marriage.

          I see him at church, and around and he completely ignores me, I guess I should be grateful, I have moments of nostalgia that I miss the good times, but I refuse to be drawn back in. I feel freedom, I've never experienced before, and the love and support has been overflowing, even with his Mother and Sister, we still have a healthy relationship and I see them weekly! His Mom at first seemed conflicted, but acknowledges his issues, and still hopes he we will reconcile, but she says she understands, why I had to leave once and for all.