Update D28; transfer to mountain jail

[qcarolr]

I have been away from site for a bit. Focusing on my self-care - have weekly contact with someone in my local support network. Feeling better.

Have been advocating for DD to get a release plan in place. Her projected release date is in November. She made a couple bad choices. The one last week - sneaking a cigarette brought into her pod by a work release inmate. She was taken out of alternative sentencing pod to womens pod. This morning she called me that she and some other women are going to a jail about 2-3 hours drive into the mountains. It is a 2 lane highway often clogged with traffic. I spent today setting up new phone acct, new care package acct, and getting mailing address and visit info. Good part is the visit is guaranteed at least one hour since everyone drives a long ways. It is also on the campus of a DOC prison. She is in the county jail building.

I have been praying for her to accept her jail term (resentenced after bad choice in June - 6 more months. will serve 4 with some good days allowed). I am hitting brick walls since this re-sentencing with the plans being made for her release. Transitional housing, job program, mental health treatment, drug addiction treatment... .None of this can happen now with this transfer. I will check out what they have in new location. They did know she was coming when I called this morning; they gave me her ID number and how to set up her accounts for our support.

My feeling is that this is the answer to my prayers: accepting I have no control, only God knows the plan, giving it up to Him. He took all my planning attempts away. Now all I can do is quiet my mind and send her my love. I told DD she is a strong person. Once her panic lessens she will be able to think and this strength will be there for her.

Now to get dh to ask for time off so we can go visit a few times. Maybe I can bribe him with a motorcycle ride in the mountains there. We have camped there in the past. It is beautiful area. Since gd9 is not wanting to contact her mom, we will need to find care for her. All this is possible.

I am more hopeful today than for awhile. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[swampped]

Thoughts and prayers from this end, dear qcr.  You clearly ARE in a better place---the peace you have found with this change is impressive.  Not so long ago you would be much more agitated about your inability to run interference for your dd.  I will pray that the Lord's peace stays with you and your family, and that a special outpouring of acceptance and peace comes to your dd.  Blessings to all of you!    Swampped

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you for sharing this new development in your dd's story.

You sound very accepting and peaceful, qcr. 

It's a good time for you for some more self-care (to stabilize and solidify new habits) and recharge.

What do you think that caused this acceptance and hopefulness in you? Is it the fact of running out of options, or something else also?

My prayers for your family and your dd are with you.

[qcarolr]

pessim-optimist

It feels like a snowball of several things. I think I kind of hit bottom on my energy, perseverance, sense of safety mid-august. Aggression from gd (changed her meds helped this). DD feeling abandoned as her friends got released and she still has 3 to 5 months sentence to serve (which contributed to the mistakes that pushed her bad choices). My own mistake in decreasing my Zoloft, not getting enough sleep/food/excercise/etc. - no self-care!

What did I do about this? I reached out for support in spite of my desire to just drive away forever.

Initiated a meeting of parents - 2 other families - to understand some messy kid dynamics and create better communication. The family next door had been isolating from us for the past 2 years both because of DD and due to the increased aggression in gd's behaviors. The other mom is new to the street and has been a good friend for our family.

I wrote to my T, on my little tablet, and she called the next day to see me. It was not my normal style of writing and she was very concerned about some of the issues I had shared. Many of them related to gd interactions.

While at my T (private pay) I made appointment later that day with my  HMO-T to meet with that T and talk to pdoc department about my meds.  I am still in awe at how fast I got all this help -- all in the same day is so unheard of.

I signed releases for T to share anything with gd's T and my HMO-T.

I leaned on dh's unconditional love for me. I was allowed to cocoon a bit.

I went 3 times to my chiropractor for pain management and accepted his offer of some massage for my neck and hip - he waived the fee 3 times. He is a good listener too and has been a part of my story for about 20 years. The CMT is also a good listener, and I am going to start doing one hour sessions for integrative massage with her bi-weekly.

I met with my mentor/sponsor 2 times (I had not contacted her all summer) for support in finding how she can help (acceptance and surrender) and for her prayers. I also have asked for prayers from the team at my church.

School started and gd loves her teacher. She is happy to be back in the routine of school. I was able to sit down and write out for gd expectations for her and the good/bad results. She is still very very impulsive and distracted needing lots of supervision. She is no longer so aggressive - what a relief!

From my perspective this move for DD gives me a break from directly advocating for her while she is there. I can be a loving mom practicing the best listening skills I can muster -- validation. Dh and I are talking about finding care for gd and taking a couple days in the mountains near DD - visit her and have some quiet couple time.

Ask for help - it comes. Find ways to care for myself - I can do this too. The message for me is taking some time for my own needs is really OK. I mean REALLY OK. Not pretending I'm OK while my body falls apart and mood bottoms out.

Thanks for all who are listening to my story. It is not that much different than yours.

qcr

[mama72]

Love your post, qcarolr! Inspirational on multiple levels. Thank you.

[HealingSpirit]

It feels like a snowball of several things. I think I kind of hit bottom on my energy, perseverance, sense of safety mid-august. ... .

My own mistake in decreasing my Zoloft, not getting enough sleep/food/excercise/etc. - no self-care!

What did I do about this? I reached out for support in spite of my desire to just drive away forever.

qcr

Thank you so much for sharing this! You have given me hope today.

I feel like I've hit bottom (today) as well.  The last time I "gave up and gave in" things did quiet down a lot because I wasn't so invested in the outcome. You have reminded me that our limits really are our limits. I have hit mine with my DD17, so it's time to let her go, fall though she may.

I have been on this site a bit less because I've been spending more time face-to-face or on the phone with friends and family. I love my DH, but he is limited (handicapped by Aspergers) in his ability to listen and be comforting when he has anything else on his mind. So, I've always had to seek support from others. You are soo lucky your DH can "cocoon" you until you are ready to emerge again. That sounds so wonderfully healing!

I hope the new jail facility proves helpful to your DD, whatever that looks like.

[qcarolr]

I hope the new jail facility proves helpful to your DD, whatever that looks like.

DD called last night. She seemed very settled and satisfied. The jail staff treat her and others as "human beings". The food is good and she can choose 2 servings of veggies instead of the carbs. The meat is recognizable - no more 'mystery meat'. It is 3 flight of stairs to the shower/restroom. This must be a big jail! She hopes to lose weight. They have a good commissary list that has regular hygiene items instead of little sample bottles for $3 each. Though the phone calls are more expensive she will need less money in her commissary account. She is getting her meds.

Dh and I are making plans to go for a visit for my birthday at the end of the month. We will find someone to care for gd9 and make it a quiet couple time. There is so much peace in this transition for all of us, including DD.

She already knows some of the other women. Many of those she thought had been released from jail were transferred there as well. She was feeling so alone and down for the past couple weeks as all her friends left. She also said she knows she can make some new friends here. There seems to be an older population with so much less drama.

At last I can truly let go and know she is safe - in her environment and in her self. There is such potential for change over the next few months.

Dh and I have decided to look for a month to month rental  for when she is released. We are looking for something in a home - room or small apartment. A home with supportive and drug/alcohol free residents. This will give her time to get connected with community resources. She was very happy to hear this plan. I have been asking family and friends to help us in this search.

Now I can focus on finding healing for my body, mind and spirit. Peace, rest, HOPE.

qcr

[Rapt Reader]

This truly does sound like the move was a blessing, qcarolr. I'm so happy to hear that your daughter and family are taking it in stride, and seeing the possibilities of growth and positivity.

Are the housing situations you are looking into, in that new area? It does sound like a beautiful location... .So happy you can turn your visits with your daughter into weekends out with you husband; win/win 

I'm so happy to hear these updates... .

[qcarolr]

She will be returned to the jail near us before she is released. At least this is my understanding. She wants to be close to family. It is tempting to move to this area when Dh is ready to semi-retire.

The housing part is really tight in our area, and very expensive. I will keep exploring with everyone I have contact with in my day to day life.

Today my mantra was "qcr, you don't have to do/think of this right now". Trying to improve my focus and memory. It did slow down my day a bit, which was good. I was also better able to step back from gd instead of stepping in when asking her to do something. Homework, pick up, come in (dinner, bedtime, etc.) I was even able to shift into a calmer state and wait her out without nagging. And she did comply with most tasks.

Just keep breathing 

qcr

[pessim-optimist]

I can just hear you taking those deep, long, relaxing breaths and visibly see you loosen up those muscles that have been so tight for so long, and stretch and sit back with some tasty tea watching the sunset from your porch... . 

[qcarolr]

Yep. Especially the sunset from the patio. Beautiful over the rocky mountains. Gd playing in the yard. DH holding my hand.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

DD called. Sounded bored today. She has 60 days for her smoking in the bathroom violation. Her current release date is 11/15/14. If she does good they may take another 10 days off of this. HMMMM. Maybe I will quietly and slowly start looking at rooms to rent in sober/drug free home. Need to contact her T for resources. Month to month. If she messes this up, she is homeless in the winter again.

I can stand this, yes I can.

qcr

[Rapt Reader]

You sound very Zen, qcarolr 

(all except the messing up and homeless stuff... .I'll send that negative image off into the ether to disappear, and reappear as a nice warm place for her to live happily ever after  )

I do think that you can do this... .Your family sounds like it is getting healthier day by day. Your support system in place is really remarkable; I know that we all need resources like that with our kids. Good thoughts sent your way... .

[vivekananda]

Hey qcr 

It is so good to hear how things are. I was thinking back to how it used to be and can see such enormous progress over time. You dd has come so far. As sad as it has been, her time inside has been a blessing in disguise perhaps... .she sounds much calmer away from the toxic world of the streets. And she is better able to recognise the consequences of her actions - you know, that old cause and effect or whatever it's called.

You have had such a more peaceful time, and time for your gd and dh too. It has been a time of respite I suppose. Time to gather strength, time to relax a little - a time for everything eh?

You take care of yourself (all those supports you have organised  !) don't forget how good walking is for us. Not just the exercise, look around, the sky, the trees, the people - the universe is there just for us, it gives us strength.

I still send the vibes across the ocean for you, thinking, of, praying for you and yours.

Vivekananda

 

[qcarolr]

Hi vivekananda - always so nice to hear from you. Yes, I have bounced up out of a dark quiet place from even a few weeks ago. It is a respite for DD to be zapped a 3 hour drive away. She is doing her best to be courageous in accepting this time of her sentence.

The facility is the holding section of a state prison. The women's dorm she in are all tranfers from other county jails. The 3 friends there with her are being released in a week. Hoping she makes some new friends. She described things. It is pretty prison basic. 2 steel toilets under the stairs, a shower room with scalding hot water, and a drain in the floor with a spigot for a sink. Striped jumpsuits too. It feels like living in a chain gang movie - I can't remember the name. The staff do not come in except with food and mail. She feels a little panic setting in.

I am feeling sad about how harsh it is, and glad she is being courageous.

Dh has the 27th and 28th off so we can go visit. Gd is doing a sleepover at her friends across the street. It is near my birthday so we are staying in a hotel Sat night as a treat, then visiting on Sunday. It is a 2-3 hour drive depending on traffic. A beautiful drive at the peak of the autumn color. I am looking forward to this time alone with dh.

Looked at roommate situations. There is one apt. building that does not do background check where DD would like to live. All studios. The 'nickname' is Felony Flats. Not really the most supportive environment -- note: isn't that an expectation I need to let go of? She is the one living there. She said the people she has known there have moved on. I called and they have no leases up by Nov 1st. I will call in Oct to see if anyone gave notice to break their lease. It would be a 6 month lease.  Dh and I feel strongly about her not being on the street if she can continue seeing her T and either get a job or be in a job program. Even though she does not have probation, she has to be in the DUI alcohol program to get a probationary drivers license. It is a two year license that allows driving only your own car with a breathalyzer to start the car. It is really expensive. Having a car is one of her priority goals. Hoping this is a motivator for her.

I am meeting with gd's T next week and told her I want to talk about a reunification plan for gd and dd. I don't know how long it will take, but we want dd to be able to visit our home if she is clean and have gd around. Gd can be outside, at a friends in neighborhood or another part of the house. It just doesn't have to be such a big deal for our daughter to come for dinner sometime. This can also be a motivating factor.

My 15 minutes is up. Have to log off and read to gd in bed. Thanks so much for sharing in my journey.

qcr

[Thursday]

I can stand this, yes I can

Strong!

Soldiers get R&R and USO shows now and then. We should all remember this if we start to doubt the merit of self-care.

I am pulling for your DD to have a good fitting place to land when she is released.

thursday

[vivekananda]

hey qcr,

Thanks for the update. You should have had your visit now and hopefully feel easier for that. I know what you mean about chain gang movies. From where I am I look on your prison system with disbelieving eyes. It is easy to see why you would feel sad... .and so proud of your beautiful girl.

While Felony Flats sounds a bit of a hard environment, maybe it would be fine for 6 mths. Hopefully her expectations for herself can develop - if she is able to work enough to support herself decently. If she is in treatment, then I would want to support her recovery as much as possible.

You would be pleased to learn that my dd came to lunch about 10 days ago! The first time she has been home and 'social' for over 2 years. We haven't had contact since, but that is ok. She is working about 15 hrs a week and is trying to get back into it all. She has been reasonably resourceful it seems. She also has a new man in her life. While he must have issues - we can't see them  dh and I consider him a 'saint'.

My own levels of radical acceptance and all those other mindful attributes have improved I believe. But then it's amazing how easy it can be when there is some contact... .and things are working well enough. I reckon we have both come a long way eh?

I am sending you and all the good people on this site lots of love,

Vivekananda