Are your needs met by the BPD spouse? Can they ever do that?

[joshbjoshb]

The more I read here, the more empowered I am.

Lately, as we are going through a rough patch with the possibility of us moving. While I see reasons we might want to relocate (due to job), having a wife which is 100% emotional about it and 0% rational is very not easy, to say the least. She yells, screams, one rage after another, and all of this has tremendous impact on the children as well.

I try my best to validate, set boundaries, and deal with it.

I am doing much better than I would have without this forum I am rating myself "pass" over many rages, simply because I managed to survive them. She is still a wreck emotionally. Lately she admitted that she feels she might have a NB soon, and she should seek help. I also brought into the picture of sister (without her knowing, obviously). Hopefully all of those steps will lead her to therapy. Hopefully she can get some help and have more emotional support. Maybe, just maybe... .

Or maybe not. I don't want to have too high of expectations just to be very disappointed later.

All of that is bringing to my head a simple question. Can they ever provide our emotional needs? I am big enough to hear a "no" as an answer, but here is where I am right now:

* Don't try to discuss anything about my emotions with her. Not that I was ever able to - soon after we got together I learned that she is either not listening or will take my negative emotions (fear or whatever) and reflect them back tenfold, so I am better not bring it up.

* Even regular life stuff, I also don't care to share. Last night I was out and when I came back she asked how was it. I said "well, I told someone a very nice story I just read". I paused to see if she will ask what was the story. Nothing. After a brief silent, she moved on to talk about what what she was thinking.

I feel that the only time she cares to know what's going on with me is when she (either rightfully or in her imaginations) she thinks that it will impact her. Anything outside of it - nada. Zero interest.

* Intimacy: I initiate (more like *only I initiate*) and she seems to enjoy it. I also enjoy but only the physical sense. On an emotional level I really feel nothing. I am not excited or interested to connect emotionally with her. I guess I was bitten too many times, and the main thing is that I don't trust that she will provide me the emotional support that I need - so without it, why share? What is the point in telling someone how you feel just to get nothing in return, or worse?

What do you guys think? Is any of you able to connect emotionally? Or do you just view your relationship as a fact of life and seek emotional support elsewhere?

Would love to hear your input / feedback / thoughts. 

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[vortex of confusion]

I have wondered this myself. My current conclusion is that no, they cannot emotionally. I have felt a lack of connection with my spouse for years. As long as I went along with whatever, things were "great". I put that in quotation marks because everything seems to be fine as long as I keep my mouth shut. Over the years, I have tried to express dissatisfaction over certain things and it always seems to escalate into something huge even if I am simply trying to find ways to take care of myself or improve myself.

That is one of the things that really perplexed me until I found this forum. I thought that I was being unreasonable in what I wanted while at the same time thinking that something felt really wrong because I felt like I was getting steam rolled and everything was about him.

-Talking about emotions has always been difficult for us as well. Before discovering this forum, I had read some books to try to get some better communication or ideas or anything really. I talked to my spouse about connections and emotions. Now, he will sometimes say mean or angry things and then turn it around as, "I am just talking about my emotions. You said that I never do that so I am trying to do it. Now that I am doing it, you are getting mad at me." Now I wish I had never brought up talking about emotions and feelings.

-It is very difficult to talk about real life stuff here too. There are times when I want to talk about the kids or share about my day and he finds a way to twist it or interrupt. Most recently, I came home from work happy and excited and wanted to share about my evening. As I am talking, he interrupts and says he is going inside. Or, he usually finds a way to make it about him and tell me some kind of story that is completely unrelated.

-Intimacy: There is no longer any physical intimacy between us. Really, I don't there ever was any because my husband is a sex addict and seems incapable of being physically intimate. With him, sex is just sex.  There is no emotional connection at all.

My husband and I have 4 kids so I view our relationship as a fact of life. I don't like it and recognize that I would be gone in an instant if we didn't have 4 kids together.

[RisingSun]

No not really. If my needs were being met it was because they were convenient for her or in her best interest.

I was with my stbxw for 11 years and I can't recall many times she was truly concerned with what my needs were. She would tell me she couldn't meet my needs until her core needs were being met. Her needs were what came first and they were endless. My needs were always secondary. She would say something like "I'm the one who's more unhappy with this marriage". This was her justification for not wanting to met my needs.

Also, I was afraid to bring up issues I had with her. This would always lead to an argument. So when there was calm in the relationship I was afraid to stir things up by voicing my needs. I would just try and enjoy the peace and suck up whatever needs I felt weren't being met. Sad but true. 

[CantMakeSenseOfIt]

No, not even close. Enough most days to be tolerable. Sometimes the peaks are ecstatically high, it's like I'm in heaven.

But the valleys are very, very low... .

And I've noticed the peaks and valleys are all about her. What she wants, what she feels, what she needs from me in order to give me what I need... .which never seems to happen.

She wants greater emotional intimacy and connection, I'm too closed and hang on to grudges. Then I'm an a-hole because I didn't get quite what she wanted at the grocery store. Then her hormones or whatever take a swing and I get "why can't we be more sexual and open about our fantasies?" Of course, she means her fantasies, we never seem to get around to mine.

Besides, every state only lasts a few days. Then we hit the reset button and go back to square one, and I just pray it's not going to end up in another screaming match of name calling and divorce threatening.

God, I'm no angel, that's for sure. But I just can't keep up to her and a relationship that really doesn't have anything to do with me.

[maxsterling]

I think these relationships force us to re-evaluate what our needs are before we can make a commitment to staying.  One reality is that in any relationship we are unlikely to get all of our needs met, and we may have to prioritize needs, or find ways of meeting some of our needs elsewhere.  If we wanted all of our needs met by our romantic partner, we'd search endlessly, break up with people over little things, become frustrated, and blame others for our needs not being met.  Hmm.  Sounds like BPD    And that is the reality, our BPD partners want us to meet all of their needs, and hence our exhaustion    So, I am guessing us nons here have already learned ways of meeting our own needs.  And if you really think about your relationship, I'm sure you can find many examples of you meeting your own needs.  Perhaps part of the issue is not that they aren't meeting our needs, but us trying to meet their needs leaves us little time to meet our own needs.  That seems to be my issue.  

But back to your original question, a short answer "No", and a longer answer, "it depends on what my needs are."  The only way I have lasted this long with my fiancé is by having no expectations of her.  She doesn't cook or clean.  Hardly ever.  So is she not meeting my needs?  Well, I took care of the house by myself for years, so do I really need that out of her?  She hasn't contributed much to the household financially until recently.  :)id I need that?  Well it would have helped, but that's not the reason I invited her to live with me.  She's not often emotionally supportive of me.  But during my time as a single man, I learned how to soothe and validate myself, and found good friends and family members to satisfy that need.  So why do I need her now for that when I didn't before we met?  Again, I didn't enter in a relationship with her because I needed someone to validate me or a shoulder to cry on.  I managed just fine without her.

So what needs do I have of her that aren't getting met?  Sure, there are things I would like her to do for the relationship to feel balanced.  But are they truly needs of mine?  The only real need I can think of is my need for her to meet her own needs.  Her asking me to meet her needs is exhausting, and leave me little time for myself.  I'm slowly working on boundaries here, but I seem to be running up against the reality that she is completely incapable of meeting her own needs, and as long as she is in a relationship with me will push and push to have me take care of her.  

An important thing to add here is that we don't have children, and we aren't married yet so there are no legal obligations.  Should we have kids, I (and especially the child) would absolutely need her to contribute more. In that sense, my "needs" list would definitely grow.

[CantMakeSenseOfIt]

One reality is that in any relationship we are unlikely to get all of our needs met, and we may have to prioritize needs, or find ways of meeting some of our needs elsewhere.  If we wanted all of our needs met by our romantic partner, we'd search endlessly, break up with people over little things, become frustrated, and blame others for our needs not being met.  Hmm.  Sounds like BPD    And that is the reality, our BPD partners want us to meet all of their needs, and hence our exhaustion    

This is insightful, thanks.

In the beginning of our relationship, we both had many interests and friends. My interests and friends have fallen by the wayside for two reasons:

#1 I had to, to service the relationship to the levels where she would be "happy".

#2 The times were so good and she was so compelling in her reasons why I should just be focussed on her and our marriage, that that was the key to intimacy.

Of course, her interests haven't gone away. They're actually more numerous and take her away from the marriage even more. But now mine are gone, as is the dream of having an emotionally intimate, stable, supportive relationship.

And I'm left with nothing else in my life, and having to start re-building all that.