New here... struggling with adult sd and ourselves

[TiredOfDrama]

New here and in SHOCK that seeking out this forum even became necessary. And so sad about that too.

Really long story... .will make as short as possible.

Almost 28 yo SD was moved out of state at a pretty young age (about 7 or 8) by her mother (who we're sure is an alcoholic and wonder if she suffers BPD as well) against our wishes. But, family court knows best... .** insert sarcasm here***.

Fast forward about 10+ years... .she wanted to come and live with us. Of course this was after 3 times saying she wanted to live with us and backing out at the last minute. And, her mother thought it was a good idea that she drop out of school for "home schooling" which really wasn't home schooling at all.

She moved in with us for a year or so and then announced one night that she and a girlfriend of hers were moving into an apartment and off she went. About 2 years later (not 100% on the timing) she moved back in. We find out that while she lived in this apartment there was a fair amount of pot smoking, drinking, boyfriend, credit card debt along with other unacceptable behaviors.

We paid off the credit card debt as a "loan" (ha! ha!) and paid her unpaid income tax, to the tune of... .let's just say ALOT of $$. The deal was she work, pay us some $ monthly to chip away at the debt, and when she made a dent, she can move out.

This worked for a few years. Then her mother decided to move back into our area after divorce #2. She offered to pay off SD debt if we would allow her to come and live with her. SD really wanted to give this a shot, we said ok and of course barely saw any of the money we were promised.

That lasted a year (ended this past July). Crazy mother moving back out of state, so SD wants to move BACK in with us. Back she comes, with her cat (we already have 4 cats who get along great), freshly broken up from a relationship with a guy we liked. Within 2 weeks, she gets online to a dating site, meets a 21 year old recovering addict who lives in a halfway house. She lied to us about meeting him, confessed and cried, blah, blah.

The very next day he had to go back to Florida for some reason (still not clear on that) and all of a sudden SD wants to consider moving BACK to Florida to live with her mother again.     We told her we were done with the merry-go-round. We told her she needed some therapy (didn’t really know she had BPD yet, but we knew she had “something”), and the only way she could continue to live with us was to get help. She said she wanted to "visit" her old home base, scope things out, connect with some old friends, come back and decide what to do. 2 days into her visit, her mother kicked her and her new "boyfriend" out of her condo because all they did was smoke pot and behave badly.

She and new "bf" slept on the beach, she lost her keys, had no $$ and ended up living on the street, selling stuff to get enough money to pay for food, etc. She called us hysterical, begged to be rescued and agreed to go to counseling and get help she admitted she needed. DH flew to FL, she and he had long drive home but she was thankful, grateful, etc. Therapy started the next day... .with a few evaluations and a scaling back on some anti-anxiety drugs she was abusing. Appt with psychiatrist scheduled later in the week.

Labor Day Weekend approached; she'd been in therapy for 1 1/2 weeks. She asked us on Thursday night for our blessing... .she wanted to take a trip BACK to FL to see this boy (she's now known him a month). We said we thought this was a bad idea... .and the fireworks began. She wouldn't go to the psychiatrist appointment the next morning, and chose to leave instead. We told her she reneged on our agreement and couldn't live with us anymore. Apparently that wasn't important because she left the key by the front door.  She said she'll move in with a friend when she gets back, and she'll be bringing this guy back with her. Guess they'll move in together?

My dh is a mess, I'm a mess. We (mostly dh) moved her things into the garage for her to access when she makes it back. He fears for her safety, etc. I fear for her too, however I fear for us more. We can't afford this financially, emotionally, physically. DH took the psychiatrist appt for himself and is finally on some anti-depressants. He feels guilty about what will happen to her next. At 28, I believe we can't keep going down this same path, over and over again. He's printed some info for her about where she can get help.

She’s back in town, staying with a friend and comes by the house every few days to get some things out of the garage. “Why did we kick her out?”….”Why are we not letting her see her cat?”…... ”Why are we being so mean?”, you know the drill. Dh and I took her psychologist appt for ourselves and we’re seeking his advice. I’m still dealing with a dh who fears desperately for his daughter, and who predicts she’ll show up at our door being tired, hungry, cold, wet and broke. And the “what do we do when that happens?” This situation with SD has sucked the life and joy and happiness out of our lives and I’m trying desperately to get some of that back. Life is just too short.

And this is our dirty little secret.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi TiredOfDrama, 

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through with your SD, that sounds exhausting. 

It's so hard when all we want as parents is for our children to be healthy and well-functioning adults, but their disorder isn't allowing for that to happen. Does she see how her behavior is causing problems in her relationships? Was she going willingly to her mental-health appointments and seeing any difference? The person suffering from BPD has such a younger emotional age that their behavior can be so baffling to us as we wonder why they are acting so childishly. And boundaries can be pretty hard to hold when we're worried about their very safety. It's a tough place to be!

We have a great home board here that's just for parents of a child suffering from BPD and all the special circumstances you face, and that can give you the support and ideas you desperately need in the situation. When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

I'm so glad you're here--please feel free to vent more, it does really help, and the other members on that board will understand exactly what you're going through. It was so helpful for me to know I wasn't alone in my struggle.

[TiredOfDrama]

Thanks so much for your very warm welcome.

Does she see how her behavior is causing problems in her relationships? Was she going willingly to her mental-health appointments and seeing any difference?

Yes... .and yes. She was willing to go to the appointments, however I'm not sure she was willing to do the "work". First thing she was assigned to do was eat about 6 or 7 very small meals (or snacks) a day, mostly protein oriented, since she had gotten so thin. Dh and I would do a quick review of what food was still around when we got home from work, and little if anything was eaten.

She was a willing participant so long as she could still do exactly as she pleased. We carefully explained what was at risk if she made this little trip over Labor Day weekend, and apparently this "relationship" was significantly more important than getting better and getting help. She drove away, knowing what was at stake. She felt that her 1 1/2 weeks of cooperation and improvement was enough to have earned our trust. Really? A week and half? 

Just don't know where we're headed, and dh and I aren't getting any younger. We have neglected our own health, our home, our finances, our friendships, our hobbies, over the last several years. So tired of it... .:'(

[HealingSpirit]

Hello TiredOfDrama,

I'd like to join DreamFlyer in welcoming you to our family. I could have given myself your screen name! That's so fitting for how it feels to be the parent of someone with BPD.

I am so sorry you and your DH are having such struggles with your SD. You are a saint in my book to be willing to step in and take that on!   Being a stepmom is hard enough without adding the complexities that BPD adds to the relationship. I really feel for you and your DH! I think it's great your DH was willing to get some therapy and antidepressants for himself and that you are both willing to seek some therapeutic help.

I can tell you, after a lifetime of dealing with a BPDD and BPDex, it doesn't surprise me your DH needs some help to stabilize himself again.  I take an antidepressant myself, and it is a blessing! My DD17 was diagnosed with BPD earlier this year, though we've always known there was something going on with her.  BPD can wear you out like nothing else, and worse, it makes you constantly question your own judgment and sanity because "normal" strategies don't work with pwBPD.

DreamFlyer99 already gave you the link to the message board for us parents. I'm glad you found us because there are a lot of warm, supportive parents dealing with similar struggles and challenges in helping (or not helping) our offspring with BPD. Supporting vs enabling is a very fine line to walk with someone with BPD. It really helps to vent here, where it is safe, and get feedback from other parents (and step-parents) going through similar things.

I know what you mean about your SD's illness being your "dirty little secret."     It really isn't funny though, because mental illness has such a stigma, no one wants to talk about it. And in our society, everyone tends to blame us parents for children who act up or misbehave. So it's no wonder we parents feel so isolated when our own child (or stepchild) has a mental illness!

I assure you there is hope! There are links to tools and lessons to the right of the message board for parents that can help you and your DH get started in making things better by not making them worse. Learning to validate is particularly important because pwBPD feel so misunderstood. There are no overnight solutions, but there is a lot of understanding and support here to help you on your journey.  I'm glad you found us!

[TiredOfDrama]

Thanks for the welcome.

It's amazing how many people are dealing with these same issues. I truly had NO idea. This is a whole new world to dh and I, we have just been dumbstruck.

DH did join and did an intro post from his perspective. We come at this problem from 2 different places, so I thought it might be helpful if we both joined and posted independently. Hope it's not too annoying... .

[HealingSpirit]

Thanks for the welcome.

It's amazing how many people are dealing with these same issues. I truly had NO idea. This is a whole new world to dh and I, we have just been dumbstruck.

DH did join and did an intro post from his perspective. We come at this problem from 2 different places, so I thought it might be helpful if we both joined and posted independently. Hope it's not too annoying... .

I already responded to your DH! I think it's WONDERFUL that you are BOTH seeking help and learning tools here. I'm envious.   I wish my DH would also join and post here.   My hat is off to both of you.

[DreamFlyer99]

Best idea EVER, TiredOfDrama! Teamwork is an awesome thing.

The impulsivity thing is big for many with BPD, so I can imagine your sd felt visiting her bf was more interesting than attending therapy and such! My undiagnosed husband loves to start projects because he knows how cool they'll be when they're done, but that impulsivity doesn't carry on so well to finishing... .

I'm really glad to hear you and your husband are both here, that's impressive really. 

[TiredOfDrama]

Thanks! I thought it was pretty good idea too, especially since we do come at this situation from different perspectives.

In addition, I can't answer his questions. So my thinking was rather than acting as go-between, it just made sense to me for him to ask his questions here. Of course this also doesn't let me vent about HIM... .but... .I guess I'll just have to live with that. 

[DreamFlyer99]

HAHAHAHAAAA!

[HealingSpirit]

In addition, I can't answer his questions. So my thinking was rather than acting as go-between, it just made sense to me for him to ask his questions here. Of course this also doesn't let me vent about HIM... .but... .I guess I'll just have to live with that. 

I'm giggling too!  LOL!  But there are always "Private Messages," if either of you need to vent about each other.  Just hopefully, you won't PM the SAME person, or that would be called "triangulation" and it could get a bit complicated. 

I think it's a sign of a very strong relationship that you are BOTH here.  And the fact that you had the wisdom to NOT play the go-between is very healthy.  I can tell you two will both be assets to others here, as well as finding help for yourselves. 

[TiredOfDrama]

Thanks for all the kind words.

I had to declare a "BPD-free zone" for a few days. Just needed a bit of a mental break, as the situation has been consuming 24/7. Under normal circumstances that might be ok, but... .dh and I work together too! Yep, and as if THAT isn't challenging enough, we are self-employed. We are it, no employees, just us.

Our business has been hit hard by the current economic situation in the US, and we've been busting it to try to stay in business. And just as we've starting to turn a corner and see a little bit of the results of the long hours, working on the weekends, we got hit with all of the stuff w/BPD sd.

Sadness and stress show up on our faces, no matter how hard we try to hide it. Last week we had a business event where we were exhibitors at a day long conference. That's setting up a booth of our "stuff", talking, meeting/greeting attendees, etc. So, on the way to this event, I suggested the "BPD-free zone" so we could get through the day and put our best faces out there.

I think it worked... .and I liked the "zone", so I stayed away from here a few days. AND, I feel better now.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamFlyer99]

Great self-care! 

[Sstepdad]

TiredOfDrama, your story is amazingly similar to ours, Besides living with the other parent, she tried that once with her alcoholic father in her 20s and was kicked out in 6 months, the moving in and out we have been there, SD26 is currently back with us all her other resources are burned out.

She has been loaned money and has not paid back much at all, one stipulation when she came back this time was money for loan repayment and household expenses, if she did not she would not have use of the phone internet and laundry she tested it once and was cut off, amazing how fast she came up with the payment.

My wife is also a member here she mostly reads the forum, it has helped us a lot in making consistent boundaries, that has helped SD behavior now that she cant play us and has kept the general chaos to a simmer, her personal life out of the house is still a mess but that is out of our control I hope she gets if figured out someday.

   

[chooselove]

I just wanted to identify with your DH's fears for his daughter's life being at risk out on the street.  Without a doubt, my fear for my own DD is what kept me tied in and tolerating the abusiveness as well as my guilt.  Heaven help anyone who tried to stop my enabling or co-dependence when I sensed she was at high risk. I am certain that my being there has saved her life several times.  That is what made it worth it to me.  Eventually, she reached a place where she finally grew enough mentally to want to climb out of her depression, mess and chaos.  Once she did, she went no contact with me.  That is the price I'm paying after standing by her all these years, not always knowing what I was dealing with and making some mistakes along the way but always with the desire to show love and offer support.  As sad as it is, it could have been a whole lot worse. She is now working, taking care of herself, living on her own and building new friendships.  It's unfortunate she sees herself as a victim and blames all the consequences of her painful choices on me, the one who stood by her, but it may be the happiest ending we can have.  In the meantime our home is peaceful again. I miss her like crazy but I don't miss the crazy. And I'm sure she doesn't either.  My husband (her stepdad) did his best and loved her like a daughter, but even he could not understand why I couldn't turn away from her at times. I just knew in my gut that she was not ready to be independent yet, even in her 30's... .she had the emotional maturity of a child.  I'm very grateful with as much as it cost him in worry over his wife (me) that he did not get in my way too much during those long and difficult years.

[qcarolr]

It is so hard to resist that false belief when DD28 promises to do all that is asked for us to help her with finding a place to live and paying the rent "until I get a job". My need for hope sucks me right in. Dh is better at seeing the truth -- from past experience. She has resisted treatment, so what will be different this next time? She has 2-3 months left in jail. I pray for her to commit to the transition program if she can get into it.

It is so hard for me when she is homeless. It is so hard for me when we are paying the rent and she melts down anyway leaving a big mess behind for me to clean up. I think she believes what she says when she says it. And she does try hard in the beginning until she gets lonely or bored. Then it is back to her friends on the street. Or the homeless join her in the room we are renting until she gets vacated.

We bought a small utility trailer and locked all her stuff in there. Dh can hook it to his truck and deliver her stuff when she is ready for it. Until then, it gives her some peace to know her stuff is safe. She cannot live with us again. It was so emotionally painful for me to clean out her room. There were some good memories in there. Parts of her whole life I packed away. This is the only way I can keep myself from feeling bad (FOG) and letting her back into our day to day lives.

The good part is that dh and I have been able to get together, listen better to each other, and figure our expectations and boundaries and differences. The tools and skills I have been practicing from here are working in a lot of ways. Dh has learned via the 'trickle down method'. He has even agreed to do a meeting with gd's T every other month. We are trying to prepare for DD's release and her desire to rebuild a r/s with gd. Hmmm. Maybe this will lead to good things in setting boundaries with her about a place to live?

There is a big shift in DD away from blaming me and accepting her part in getting in the mess she is in. I am hopeful she will be ready to commit to work with the programs there for her when she is released. It is up to her, not me.

Things can get better for ourselves and in our connection to our BPDkids. It takes learning, practice, and self-care.

qcr

[TiredOfDrama]

My wife is also a member here she mostly reads the forum, it has helped us a lot in making consistent boundaries, that has helped SD behavior now that she cant play us and has kept the general chaos to a simmer, her personal life out of the house is still a mess but that is out of our control I hope she gets if figured out someday.

I can totally relate to THAT!

There is a big shift in DD away from blaming me and accepting her part in getting in the mess she is in. I am hopeful she will be ready to commit to work with the programs there for her when she is released.

That does sound promising. Fingers crossed.

We have reached a similar place... .SD knows she made some poor choices that put her where she is right now. She stopped the "why are you doing this to me?" talk, at least for the moment. However, her life, and subsequently ours, are still in a state of "what's next?"

I'm blown away at how many people are dealing with similar situations. We had NO IDEA how prevalent this mental illness is. 

[TiredOfDrama]

I just wanted to identify with your DH's fears for his daughter's life being at risk out on the street.  Without a doubt, my fear for my own DD is what kept me tied in and tolerating the abusiveness as well as my guilt.  Heaven help anyone who tried to stop my enabling or co-dependence when I sensed she was at high risk.

This sounds familiar... .

In the meantime our home is peaceful again. I miss her like crazy but I don't miss the crazy. And I'm sure she doesn't either.  My husband (her stepdad) did his best and loved her like a daughter, but even he could not understand why I couldn't turn away from her at times. I just knew in my gut that she was not ready to be independent yet, even in her 30's... .she had the emotional maturity of a child.

And this does too... .although I'm so sad for you that she chose no contact.  :'(