Going through a bad time - want to contact exBPD but know I can't

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I won't go into detail, but my family are going through a really bad time.  A family member is very ill and obviously we are all very stressed out and worried.  I have been tearful all day and really need somebody to talk to.  I want some comfort and just to have somebody hug me and look after me.

Even though we had our problems, when I was with my ex I know that he would have comforted me.  He was not great at being there for me and supporting me when I needed it, but he was there and now I have nobody.

I feel very alone and I have thought about contacting him today.  I won't because I know I won't get any support.  All it would do is give him the satisfaction of knowing I still need him in some way and letting him reject me again.   I don't know why I am even thinking about him.  I feel so sad that I am really that pathetic I have nobody else to turn to and still want comfort from him.

[Popcorn71]

I won't go into detail, but my family are going through a really bad time.  A family member is very ill and obviously we are all very stressed out and worried.  I have been tearful all day and really need somebody to talk to.  I want some comfort and just to have somebody hug me and look after me.

Even though we had our problems, when I was with my ex I know that he would have comforted me.  He was not great at being there for me and supporting me when I needed it, but he was there and now I have nobody.

I feel very alone and I have thought about contacting him today.  I won't because I know I won't get any support.  All it would do is give him the satisfaction of knowing I still need him in some way and letting him reject me again.   I don't know why I am even thinking about him.  I feel so sad that I am really that pathetic I have nobody else to turn to and still want comfort from him.

[Infern0]

Sorry to hear that,  all of us on the boards are here for you. Reaching out is only going to make the pain worse I'm afraid. Do you have a family member or a friend?  The problem is that the stress is making you reach for your addiction and you must look at it like that.  It's bad and won't help you.

Pm me if you want to skype (I think it's allowed)

Stay strong, much love.

[Popcorn71]

Thanks Infern0.  I don't have skype.

It makes sense what you say about my addiction.  I think that is what my problem is.  I want to feel better.  I want to be comforted.  Hitting the bottle isn't really my thing and I don't do drugs.  My BPDxh was my drug and unfortunately, in the past, at times like this, he did make me feel better.  But I understand that he wouldn't anymore.

I don't have anyone else to turn to.  My family are all affected and I cannot talk to them because we are all upset and worried.  If anything, I am having to be the strong one and I don't know how long I can hold it together.  I'm sick of coping with everything on my own and being capable, strong and supportive to everyone else.

I am meeting a friend tomorrow who I know I can talk to.  But even this has it's drawbacks.  He is a male friend who wants more from me.  The trust is not fully there because I feel he is waiting for me to be vulnerable enough to 'want' him.  I will get support from him but he is hoping for something in return.  Not a real friend eh?

[Caredverymuch]

I won't go into detail, but my family are going through a really bad time.  A family member is very ill and obviously we are all very stressed out and worried.  I have been tearful all day and really need somebody to talk to.  I want some comfort and just to have somebody hug me and look after me.

Even though we had our problems, when I was with my ex I know that he would have comforted me.  He was not great at being there for me and supporting me when I needed it, but he was there and now I have nobody.

I feel very alone and I have thought about contacting him today.  I won't because I know I won't get any support.  All it would do is give him the satisfaction of knowing I still need him in some way and letting him reject me again.   I don't know why I am even thinking about him.  I feel so sad that I am really that pathetic I have nobody else to turn to and still want comfort from him.

I am so sorry Popcorn. I do know how you feel and you are not pathetic. Not at all.

My expBPD was very comforting to be around as well. Before all the splitting. Just sitting next to him not saying a word felt like a safe and very loving place to me. I believe it did to him as well. So I do know how you feel.

When I experienced joys and pain, I wanted to talk with him so badly. He really was the person I shared my entire self with. And he meant that much to me in that very way.

After the final split, when he left me last year, I did reach out to him several times. On days like you are feeling today. I would say on those occasions that I simply missed talking with him. And depending on where, I am guessing, he was in his own need supply, he would listen and I would feel as if I at least had my friend back. But, it never lasted and he never reached out to continue contact with me. It was always one sided.  Me going to him.

I do think, unfortunately, that this very genuine feeling I had.  As you do today. Gave him more control over knowing I would be there for him to bait if you will, when he so needed.  It just never went back to the way it was.  Those times of just being there. And that hurt me more than I can express.  To know that I was an after thought when he was so very valued to me hurt far more than the pain I was feeling in reaction to things in my life.

We, here, do not judge one another at all for how we feel. But, I hope we learn from one another.  Thats why I cannot ever go to him again on my hard days.  Bpd wins.

Sending you   and knowing that you have support here.  And I do hope you have a friend to reach out to or family as Inferno expressed.

[RisingSun]

I'm so sorry to hear your problems are building up. There's nothing worse than having another issue arise while you're trying to catch your breath from the aftermath of a relationship with a pd'd s/o.

Please don't call him though. This won't clear your head. It will only complicate things and make matters worse. When they know your vulnerable there's no telling what they'll do.

Moving through this situation without him will help you in the long run. Take this as your first chance to prove to yourself you can move beyond needing him.

This will give you proof that you're going to be just fine without him.

[Popcorn71]

Thank you for your replies.  It is good to know that there are caring people out there.

I have had a little cry and will try to sleep through these feelings.  Maybe when I wake up I will feel stronger again.

I hate this aloneness.  But I can see now that I spent much longer hanging on to a relationship that wasn't worth having, because being with him 'was better than being alone'.  It really wasn't worth it though.

I will get through this on my own and like you say, it will prove to me that I DON'T NEED HIM

[fred6]

Please don't call him though. This won't clear your head. It will only complicate things and make matters worse. When they know your vulnerable there's no telling what they'll do.

Please listen to this. My exBPD girlfriend would/does get me so emotional and teary eyed. At that point, most of the time, if I showed a couple tears.  It was like feeding time for the sharks and my couple tears were like blood in the water. She went in for the kill and within 5 minutes had me sobbing like a school girl going through puberty and I'm a grown a$$ 42 year old man. These people know how to use your weaknesses and secrets against you. They know exactly what to say and how to say it to inflict maximum emotional damage. They have probably learned how to do this because it happened to them when they were young. We have feelings and are not equipped to play the games they play, we are outmatched. I now see why some of her ex boyfriends were physically and sexually abusive towards her. They were damaged like her and she played a game that she lost. Do not show any weakness to these people!

[SC91]

Please don't call him though. This won't clear your head. It will only complicate things and make matters worse. When they know your vulnerable there's no telling what they'll do.

Please listen to this. My exBPD girlfriend would/does get me so emotional and teary eyed. At that point, most of the time, if I showed a couple tears.  It was like feeding time for the sharks and my couple tears were like blood in the water. She went in for the kill and within 5 minutes had me sobbing like a school girl going through puberty and I'm a grown a$$ 42 year old man. These people know how to use your weaknesses and secrets against you. They know exactly what to say and how to say it to inflict maximum emotional damage. They have probably learned how to do this because it happened to them when they were young. We have feelings and are not equipped to play the games they play, we are outmatched. I now see why some of her ex boyfriends were physically and sexually abusive towards her. They were damaged like her and she played a game that she lost. Do not show any weakness to these people!

Very true and real sad! Its like we have to convince our head that the exBPD is an enemy we should never show any weakness ever again.

[Rifka]

Popcorn, there are so many caring, loving, and compassionate souls on this site. Talk to everybody here. There really is nobody judging anybody, we have all been thrown over the same ship and are together in the lifeboat now!

As far as your so called male friend, if you know he has an agenda (RED FLAG) please only talk to him in a public place and use separate transportation if possible.

I know you need some attention, but please don't take it at a huge cost to your already broken down spirit.

We really are here for you with no agenda!

You can private message me if you want to. I just found out there is a private message availability.

I do really need to work on my pathetic tech skills or lack of them! Lol!

[Tibbles]

Hi Popcorn 71. You are not alone. Everyone here is here for you. Life never seems happy to give us one hurdle at a time does it, sometimes it feels like you have to carry  a very heavy load with very little reserves. I so understand why you want to contact your ex for support. As time goes on we can forget the bad an bring the good forward. It's not pathetic to feel that way. I have felt it too - I would give anything to feel cared for again, especially when life gets tough. To not be facing things alone. But that thought is an illusion, the BPD is still there and it will hurt you all over again.

Have you got a therapist, I have found mine such a good support. It's all part of looking after you.  That way you have at least two support systems that aren't going anywhere and come with no strings attached - us and a therapist.

[Popcorn71]

Thank you all, for your support.  I feel a bit happier today.  I had a good chat with a couple of work mates.  I also had some positive news about my relative who is ill.

My son has been very caring to me also and I recognise that I only have this relationship with him now because my ex is gone.  It is a shame that I was forced to choose between them, but I know I have made the right choice.

[summeralyssa]

I m here and do understand, popcorn.  It is so hurtful bc you were invested, committed, loving, kind and devoted.  Your ex cannot.  They choose not to commit.  Or to abuse, manipulate, lash out, insult, and fatally wound your heart just like theirs was.  Im so sorry.  You're not alone. Im your friend along with everyone else here.  Xoxo

Email or inbox Me with tour upsets and ill listen.  Im sorry but i cant give a hug and i do understand how the loss of physical contact is so devastating to our giving, sharing souls.  I like the lifeboat analogies.  They're so true.  How about you and i be Rose blowing that whistle at the end of titanic?  Ill row over!  ❤️

[kidsteele]

Dear Popcorn,

I have felt like that a lot and it helps me to talk to myself as if I were comforting someone else.  I also say out loud, how can I feel better right now?  Just a little bit.  And then I listen.  Some thought will come up and it does make me feel better.  Also writing.  It is normal to long for another to comfort us, but we can learn to comfort ourselves too with a lot of faith and repeating the request for help and then following the answer.  Sometimes I feel paralyzed by the state my house is in.  I feel down about it.  Then when I do one thing, I feel a little better.  I also made friends with some TV dramas that captivate my attention and I feel cheered up by the familiarity of the sets, characters and stories.  Be sure to get some fresh air and exercise and know that all things that go down, do float back up.

Sending you a virtual hug.  <>

[toomanytears]

Popcorn

Thank you for your post. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am having exactly the same feelings of agony. My stbxh was very strong and comforting at times and I need that kind of strength right now as I am going through a tough time with my family too. My husband was my friend when he wasn't splitting and he was, or at least felt like, a rock. I long for the feeling of being protected and defended. And I want to reach out to him right now. But I am afraid it will backfire on me. I'm sure it will, as everyone else on this board advises. We just have to tough it out. It's horrible feeling so lonely. I see him on FB in photos with a little coterie of vulnerable women with him on the kind of country walks we did together, when he would pick out all the flora and know their Latin names. He will be their rock now, not mine, and it hurts so bad. But this strength of his was just an illusion. I have to remember that - like the wizard of oz - nothing behind the curtain but a weak old man. The strength I felt coming from him was actually coming  from me. We have to hang on in there  

[Tibbles]

Isn't it crazy that we have to choose between our kids and our ex's. Of all the crazy. mixed up crappy things to have to do that is the worst. Like you Popcorn71, I know I made the right choice too.

[toomanytears]

Isn't it crazy that we have to choose between our kids and our ex's. Of all the crazy. mixed up crappy things to have to do that is the worst. Like you Popcorn71, I know I made the right choice too.

Tibbles is right - crappy to have to make the choice but our kids are the most important. Popcorn - how are you feeling today? I am so glad I resisted reaching out to my ex last night. I get into a mind jam and can't see any other way but contacting my ex to experience the comfort I used to get from him. But this board and the help I get from all the people posting in similar, awful situations helps me to see there is another way... .

[Penumbra66]

Hi Popcorn,

There have been many times when I wanted to contact my ex. We broke up about seven weeks ago, and we have chatted twice and spoken once. Last week I found my dead cat. He had been attacked by another animal, and it took a few days to find his body. When I did, I texted my ex. I wish I hadn't. She gave me a very short to line response:

"Thank you for telling me. I am sorry. "

That was it. I texted a few more lines. And a couple of hours later she gave another brief response. We chatted very, very briefly. She told me to take care of my self and hug my other kitties, and she wished she could be there for me but she could not. Then she told me she needed to go to bed, but at a time where she would still have been up for an hour or two. I texted a final line, and she never responded. This was on Facebook. I waited another day and no response. I blocked her.

So that was too terrible things happening in a matter of hours. I can't for the life of me figure out how someone I had spent a year and a half practically living with could be that way. She could not even give me a 10 minute call. Just more heartbreak. I don't get it. There is not a single friend or ex that I could have ignored like that. Such a horrible, horrible feeling.

Please stay strong. I don't think any of us here would ever expect to be treated so cruelly, but look how many of us here have had the same type of cold shoulder or just being outright ignored.

Again, so sorry. I wish you peace.

[Popcorn71]

Thanks everyone.

I am sorry to hear that some of you have similar experiences to me.  I am also happy to hear that you have got through it too.  I just glad that there are people like you all, on this forum.  It's great that we can be there for each other.  It does help!

Today has been good.  I work with wonderful people who I enjoy spending time with and that helps.  Weekends can be tough for me as that is when I have too much time to think.

I also had a very enjoyable evening with my daughter.  It's times like that when I realise how close I came to losing my kids.  I am thankful that I didn't and that we have more than repaired the damage caused by my ex.  I actually think we are all closer than ever because of what he put us through.