Emotionally I Can't Take It

[murmom]

I have been away for a while.  My 16 year old daughter is still in residential treatment.  We tried a family counseling session two weeks ago that turned into a yelling match from my daughter.  Then we didn't see her for a while but talked on the phone every night - conversations were good and it sounded like she had some good insight into her issues.

So today she gets her first 6 hour day outside the hospital with family.  I have to admit I was looking forward to it all week!  She, her Dad and I took her to a nice casual restaurant on a river that was very pretty.  We spent some time talking and just enjoying each other's company, sitting outside in the wonderful weather.  We talked and we were quiet.  We went to a city park and enjoyed nature there, talking and taking pictures with our cell phone. 

Then I took DD to the Goodwill, which was a GREAT thriftstore and had lots of good things.  This is something my DD and I enjoy doing - thrifting.  She was picking out some really cute sweaters for fall and we were having such a good time.  Dad was in the truck taking a nap - he isn't into shopping!  To make a long story short my daughter told me she was taking her jacket to the car - ok, I thought.  Her Dad had the window down in truck and was parked right in front of the store.  My daughter asks a lady coming into the store for a light.  Her Dad heard and called DD over to truck and asked her if she asked the lady for a light, to which she denied it twice.  Dad went into the store and asked this lady and she said, "yes, she did."  DD comes into store all mad and I have no idea what is going on.  Her Dad calls for me - that we are leaving, and has me talk to the lady, too, to confirm that yes, DD asked for a light. 

DD found a cigarette on the ground and was to sneak off and smoke it.  Besides the gross factor of picking something off the ground and smoking in general - the real issue was her sneaking and lying - doing whatever she wants in the moment - being impulsive.  And didn't she think that we'd smell cigarette smoke on her or go look for her when she snuck off to smoke it?  It makes no sense in context of the good day we were having.

So we cut our visit short and take her back to the hospital and she is livid mad at Dad for "making a big deal out of it."  Dad did not say anything to her on the ride back to the hospital.

I called DD a few hours later to talk and she lsahed out really bad - how we are such horrible parents, today was an awful visit, her Dad really doesn't love her, she can't wait to be 18 so she can move away and live with her drug abusing boyfriend in another state (the one she just last week said she wss over and threw all his gifts away).  Then she told me at the restaurant that when she went to the bathroom she asked to use the restaurant phone and called said boyfriend long distance.  Another sneaky no-no.  Also, she hates us and can't wait to get the h#!) away from us!  (And I thought we were having a good day!)

I don't want to sound dramatic, but I feel emotionally devastated.  We have a really good visit one weekened, or great talks throughout the week, and then we have something along the lines of today.  She is just grabbing me by the heart and jerking me around and I can't take much more, especially when I think things are getting better and then I am so disappointed.  My mother tells me I need to harden my heart a bit, but that is so hard. 

Thanks for letting me vent!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SeaSprite]

I'm so sorry, that's just not fair. 

I read somewhere, probably facebook  that everything is temporary.

Sometimes it helps to sort of repeat that as a mantra, as a reminder to enjoy the good while it lasts, and ride out the bad.

It sure seems like BPD magnifies that teenager tendency romanticize being 18 and free.

[tristesse]

Hi Murmom,

I'm sorry that the visit exploded in your face like that. And I am sorry that you were sort of caught in the middle.

I don't know, as mothers, if there is anyway to harden your heart. I have tried and tried, to no avail. As a caring parent, you just always want your child to be happy, and you want whats best for them, even when they fight against our love and protectiveness so much.

This will pass, dd will calm down eventually, and you can try again at a later date. I know that doesn't take away any of the wrong from this week-end, and it doesn't remove the hurt either, but it's all we have really, as the parents of BPD children, the calm that comes after the storm.

Know I'm thinking about you, and that I understand how you feel.

[jellibeans]

murmom

I can see that this outing was a disappointment to you all and maybe it allows you to see into her illness a bit. I think you can see her immaturity and her impulsiveness.

I think the thing you really need to remember is to not take it personally. I know that is easier said than done but I really try to sit back and look at the behavior and what is driving that. I think it is pretty hard to be in a RTC and she was trying to treat herself to some degree. I think getting angry at the smoking and phone call is a waste of energy. I do think ending your visit was the best thing... .but I think ending on a good note... .not angry etc. A simple stated fact... .well I think it is time to get back... .I really have enjoyed our visit and I hope we can do this again real soon. On our next visit I hope you are able to control your impulses because it would have been nice to spend more time together. I know it is hard and you are doing the best you can... .etc

I know how hard it is but taking the emotion and the disappointment out of the situation is going to yeild more results. I feel being less judgemental and more matter a fact is a better approach. My dd is a smoker too and I know how sneaky she can be. To me it doesn't matter that she smokes really... .I don't like it and I wish she would stop but my rule is she is not to smoke in our home or car that she uses. I will not buy her cigs and I won't give her money. So I can see your dd trying to sneak off for a smoke is disappointing but I also know how hard it is to quit. I can sympathize with that because I smoked when I was younger.

Have you read Valerie Porr's book Overcoming BPD? It really has helped me. I know it is hard not to show disappointment and hard not to be judgemental at times but I really feel it is important when dealing BPD. Your dd loves you and although she says some terrible things right now things are not going to stay where they are... .they will gt better... .it will take time. My dd is 17 and is counting the days until she can leave our home... .I just think when that day comes it won't be so easy.

[murmom]

Thanks everyone for your responses! 

When things are going good and my daughter has insight into her issues, I think things are progressing in a linear fashion and things are getting better.  But when she lashes out I feel like no progress has been made.  Maybe I am wrong. 

I think calling her yesterday after the visit to talk about the issue of her sneakiness was a big mistake.  We left the visit on a neutral tone - we just took her back with no words about the issue at hand and I hugged her goodbye.  Things didn't blow up until I called and she had been stewing about it.  And the issue at hand was her sneakiness/impulsivity and not necessarily cigarette smoking. 

At some point I would like to start trusting my daughter. 

[SeaSprite]

Yes, I want to trust my d as well. Sometimes, for no good reason I think this time will be magically different, this time she won't sneak or lie because we are all getting along so well. And then when she is caught in a lie, I feel so betrayed.

I think I do better when I can love her without trying to trust her. If I can sort of take her at face value in the moment, but assume that she is going to lie and sneak any time she is embarrassed or wants something she thinks she can't have.

BPD doesn't seem to have anything linear about it, it looks more like a chronic disease, with flare-UPS and periods of remission if we're lucky.

[murmom]

Thinking "this time" will be magically different is my downfall.  I think things are getting better and she is going to get out of the hospital, finish school, start her life, and our family life will be happy and normal.  And then something happens to remind me that our family life will never be normal and I feel sad.  I guess I am grieving the loss of that dream.

[SeaSprite]

Sadly you have lots of company in that particular grief here. 

Many of us are in various stages of grieving the child we thought we had.

Some days I cry a lot. Others I'm resigned. Others I'm stupidly optimistic.

[jellibeans]

murmom

That is how I feel a lot too... .I do allow myself to get excited when she makes improvements and then there is always the step backwards... .I try to reframe it and see the positive side of things... .there is always another way to look at it. I really have been greiving for some time but it gets better... .I recover quicker... .I am able to regain my hope after these steps back... .I just try to move forward... .positively and hope that things will get better. Also try to see this as only a small portion of her life... .she has many years to live and I am hopeful that many of those years will be happy. I am hoping we can look back a laugh about some of these things we have been through... .only with time will the hurt fade and we can see some humor... .

[infiniteeyes]

Thats the hardest thing to get our heads around as parents of a BPD child I think, how to carry on with hope in or hearts after such a letdown. After the week I just put in with my dd15, drug taking, raging and lying, things are more or less simmered down to "normal" again. If you were to walk into my house this evening you would think what a lovely family   . After being suspended for 2 days last week for fighting with a girl in her class, dd went back to school today. We went to meet with her psychologist first before I took her to school. Her psychologist says she believes my dd when she says she wont do drugs again. Does she really?

DD was full of hatred for me at the meeting but went to school anyway and since she came home this evening has been a wonderful child, thanking me for her dinner, thanking me for giving her a hug, telling me she is in a great mood. Sitting cuddling my younger child on the couch. Its a total transformation. Will it last? Probably not. Each time Im setting myself up for a letdown, and each time it inevitably happens I am gutted and devastated. So here we go again... Hopeful that THIS time it will last.

[sharklover]

You are having some of the same feelings that I am having.  I know it hurts so deeply when our children are doing things that harm them financially, socially, emotionally, physically.  I too am trying to find a way to step back and accept my dd18 problems and still be able to have a relationship with her.  She left for work one night about 2 months ago and never came home.  Since then she has been living with her boyfriend and his family and there have been phone calls from his mother that they are fighting, she has threatened suicide, and she is refusing to go to counseling unless he goes with her.  She quit her job, is not in school, has no money, no car, not in school.  She just sits around his house all day and only God knows what else.  She tested positive for marijuana when she was under IVC for about 24 hours.  The drugs only make her impulsivity and emotions more uncontrolled.  Trying to find a way to have a relationship with our BPD children is soo hard. 

You are not alone, I understand the anger, hurt and grief of dreams and hopes you had for your child.

Sharlover

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[chooselove]

I don't think for a moment that we are "hardening our heart" to be detached but rather we are taking away the BPD's ability to manipulate and control us through their upsets.  Our hearts remain soft and loving, maybe even more so, when we remember it's about them, not us.  Thus, I think maybe it's possible that you (or Dad) took her fall into addiction (cigarette and boyfriend) too personally and let it trigger your emotions of being disappointed or hurt that she didn't care enough (about you) to follow the rules.  We have to remember it's not about us and that the person who suggested we just end the visit when she breaks the rules without getting all upset or reactive and say something along the lines of "we had a great day and maybe next time it will be better."

I have failed at this many times but the times I did not helped me to retain my unmeshed sense of self and gave my daughter the chance to think about things without me giving her more ammunition to blame me (via the blurred lines created when everyone is upset, not just the BPD).

[MammaMia]

As parents of a child or adult child wBPD, we have to recognize what we are dealing with.  Bpd is a very serious mental disorder.

To survive the turbulence, we need to appreciate the good times and expect the bad times to be lurking just around the corner.  We have to learn how to insulate ourselves emotionally so that when the world comes crashing down... .again... .we are prepared.  The nature of this disorder is to create chaos.  It should not be a shock when it happens.  

Cautious optimism laced with the ability to balance our emotions regardless of the circumstances is very important. Try to see both sides of every issue.  View it as a stable adult and then switch your perspective and attempt to anticipate how your pwBPD will react before it happens.  :)raw upon past experiences to help guide you.  Expect the best and prepare for the worst.

Sometimes the best surprise is no surprise.

[murmom]

Thank you everyone!  I got Valerie Porr's book and have been reading it the past few days.  Obviously if her method works then we've been doing lots of things the wrong way!  :'(

[HealingSpirit]

Thank you everyone!  I got Valerie Porr's book and have been reading it the past few days.  Obviously if her method works then we've been doing lots of things the wrong way!  :'(

Oh murmom,

I had exactly the same epiphany when I first found this site.  But recognizing what you've been doing that doesn't work is good news, isn't it? Now you know what doesn't work, so you can try different techniques that can make things better.  My DD17 responds very well when I validate her feelings.  I never realized how so much of what I said in the past was invalidating to her. 

And to Infiniteeyes, Sharklover,

  I'm sorry it was both your DD's BPD that brought you here, but I am so glad you've joined us.   Misery really does love company, but I've found that by having company, I'm not so miserable anymore because I know there are others who understand.

 Hugs to all of you!

[jellibeans]

murmom

I am glad you are liking the book. I have read many books on BPD but this one really has helped me understand this disorder and explained to me why they do the things they to to some degree. I go back and read it again and again. It is a lot to take in. I recently took a course on DBT with my dd17 and I was able to bring this book along. The combination was really helpful.