Today is Not a Good Day...

[RayNigh]

Ever since stumping across this board in a search on BPD I've felt myself opening up. My mom is uBPD which can make things every difficult. Added to the fact that I myself have anxiety which I believe is in part a response to my mom's uBPD and having to over monitor her behavior all the time to know how to respond appropriately so I don't get yelled at (something I've learned over the years). My mom would use to create conflict when I was younger so that she could get into an argument with someone. She also believes that having conflict is good, it is, so long as it is productive but the conflict she causes is destructive and hurts others. She is also the type to make people cry because it "cleanses the soul" so will say some very hurtful things to make someone cry (family more so than friends).

I haven't been diagnosed but believe I have anxiety disorder because it is a constant fight. I am fortunate to have a position that offers some benefits, but it goes from term to term (I'm an adjunct instructor at the college level) so have not felt secure in seeing a psychologist as I never know if I will have enough classes the following term to continue my health care. My last year of college, I started to see a psychologist on campus and we would work through the anxiety but ended up using up all of my allotted sessions that the school would cover. After that the psychologist and I worked up a schedule so I could join a group therapy on campus which did not have limits. I stopped going afterwards because I didn't have benefits at the jobs I had after graduating.

So today is not a good day. I want to think positive. My anxiety is reaching its threshold. I never know quite how my anxiety will go. Sometimes my anxiety feels like my heart is trying to pound from my chest. Other days it feels like the hunger pangs we can get when we have skipped a meal. Yet there are times when its like I am about to have an asthma attack or start to have a thunderstorm escape from my eyes. Those familiar with anxiety will also know that we will sometimes have thoughts that repeat like a broken record. I'm trying to not listen but the record is really loud today and I know that my thoughts are irrational at the moment.

It is sometimes so very difficult when you know that others would label you crazy because they don't understand the issues of mental health and what someone can go through. I really commend those of us on these boards that have looked to speak with someone and those of us that seek help regardless if for ourselves or others. I guess my primary purpose for this post is that I needed an area to come to where I know others will not be so quick to judge.

[clljhns]

Hi RayNigh,

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles, but you have come to the right place! We all struggle with the same emotions that you are experiencing, and would imagine that many of us have also had difficulty with balancing our needs with our financial constraints. I wanted to share with you a solution that I found when I decided to re-enter therapy recently. I chose a provider that was not listed under my health insurance, but he offered a sliding scale for his services. This worked out well for me, so perhaps this might be an option for you. I do pay a flat fee that might be a little more than if my insurance covered his services, but I am not limited to a certain number of visits.

I haven't been diagnosed but believe I have anxiety disorder because it is a constant fight.

Can you tell me a little more about this? What happens when you experience anxiety? What are the triggers? Have you worked on this with therapists in the past and what did they suggest?

I wonder if your anxiety is related to negative messages. I know that I would beat myself up for days after a conversation with someone in which I thought I sounded stupid. The negative messages from my mom continued to replay in my head and caused me anxiety, to the point that I had trouble sleeping. I had a wonderful friend in the mental health field who pointed me to cognitive behavioral therapy. At the time, I didn't see a counselor, but I followed the techniques on my own. This helped tremendously. I would replace a negative thought to a simple phrase, such as, "Everyone does this."  I also found time to do things that would bring down the stress and tension in my life. I would take a walk, take a long bath, eat a delectable treat, etc. I found ways to nurture myself.

Do you have a family member or friend that you can share your thoughts and feelings with? If not, is there a support group in your area that can provide this support? Have you considered journaling?

And yes, no judgment here. You are not crazy, just dealing with a lot of emotional baggage.

Peace and blessings. 

[Harri]

Hi Raynigh.  I struggle with anxiety too.  Never knew what it was until just a few years ago.  I hate it and it is so hard to talk myself down from it so I can relate.  It is good that you are able to identify the feelings and that your thoughts are a little off.  I have that too, sometimes all I can do is shake my head at myself.     clljhns asked some good questions that will help you to understand what is going on.

Ever since stumping across this board in a search on BPD I've felt myself opening up.

I don't know if this may be part of your anxiety so take it for what it is worth.  When I first started talking with counselors or friends about my mother I was overwhelmed by anxiety.  I think a lot of it was because I was raised with a "what goes on in this house stays in this house" threat all through my childhood.  Once I started to open up, I struggled with fear, feelings of being disloyal and thinking I was betraying "the family".  My mom had a fixation on "the family".  We were extremely isolated emotionally and socially on top of that so it was really hard to be open to learning about just how crazy it all was.

I don't have any suggestions other than to try meditation if you have not already.  I have a hard time sitting or lying down to meditate so I do a mindfulness thing where I concentrate on any task I may be performing whether it is washing dishes or making stuff with my clay.  It clears my mind and helps me to focus.  another good thing I did when my health was better was walking meditation.  I mention those because sometimes it is near impossible to do more traditional meditation when in the midst of high anxiety.

Anyway, I am sorry I do not have more useful things to say.  Know that you are not alone and that we here can relate and support you.  No one is going to think you are crazy.  We have seen and done crazy and you are not it!   

[Indie]

Hi RayNigh, you are not alone.  I am so familiar with the anxiety you describe and am trying hard to keep it together since some situations and incidents with my elderly uBPD mother.   

Where is the magic wand?  Anyone?   All I would like is for people to be happy, live and let live.  It should not be this hard, yet it is.   

Little indulgences like old movies and ice cream do help me, and I subscribe to "tomorrow will be better" thinking... WOW as I wrote that last part I see part of my problem... .instead of thinking "tomorrow" I should be thinking "today, all is well".

Mini mind blow.   Big hug to you RayNigh.   

[RayNigh]

clljhns,

Thank you for the reply. My triggers tend to be more biological and/or responses to being over stimulated. What I mean by biological is that I can only have so much caffeine and sugar otherwise I can have an anxiety attack. I drink tea and generally try to keep to the non-caffinated type. I really love chai so will sometimes indulge, but try to pay attention to my body. Its the same with sugar. I'm not diabetic but sugar has a similar effect if I have too much it will cause me to feel like I'm going to have an attack.

Regarding being over stimulated, sometimes being in unfamiliar environments or being in a large crowd can result in an anxiety attack. Usually more so in unfamiliar environments/social contexts. It is interesting because as an instructor I speak in front of 20-40 students in each class and it isn't an issue. But going to some place that is new/a newer location for me causes my anxiety sometimes because I'm so busy checking out the environment and what is going on around me (I think it may have something to do with hypersensitive and what I experienced growing up with my mom. I had to be hypersensitive to the flux in her emotions).

I recently started at a new school and ran into someone from my department. Initially the person did not recognize me and that was the trigger. I know this was irrational. The personal hadn't seen me in awhile and I look different when my hair is up in a bun vs. when it is down due to its length (really long) and that it looks darker when up i a bun. I think the person had only ever seen me with my hair down.

I think you are right about the disconfirming messages. Because the person didn't recognized me initially it played on my insecurity of not being accepted at this new place (I only started teaching there this term). Plus other things were going on that day. After posting I was scheduled to go to a meeting with other faculty that I have never met before (about 20-30 people) which was making me hypersensitive to what was going on around me.

The panic attacks come in different forms. Sometimes it will be like I'm really hungry (like getting the shakes from not eating), other times it will be more like my heart is beating really fast/having an asthma attack, yet others it can be an over reaction emotionally (like can't control crying) because don't have an outlet for the anxiety.

[RayNigh]

Harri,

What you said was very useful and helpful. My mom was the same way. I was "read the riot act" once by my mom for sharing something with one of my friends about the family. She told me that "what happens in the family stays in the family." So basically was made to feel guilty for sharing any of the perceived "family secrets." Today it can sometime be difficult to share some of the more inner parts of myself because of this. It is better in anonymity such as on these boards. While I am willing to share a lot about myself it is not so easy to share the more hidden parts of myself and what I feel.

[RayNigh]

Thanks Indie,

Big hug to you too! Maybe read "The Secret." Between that book and this discussion board it has been very helpful.   

[clljhns]

Hi RayNigh,

Regarding being over stimulated, sometimes being in unfamiliar environments or being in a large crowd can result in an anxiety attack. Usually more so in unfamiliar environments/social contexts. It is interesting because as an instructor I speak in front of 20-40 students in each class and it isn't an issue.

I was wondering if some of the anxiety might come from the feeling that you are not in control. You stated that you don't feel anxiety when you are lecturing, something for which you are prepared to do and are in control of. Yet, when placed in unfamiliar surroundings or circumstances that are new, you feel anxiety. Could this be because it is a situation in which you do not have control? I don't mean to insinuate that you are a controlling person. I am just thinking about how difficult it is as a child to have such an unpredictable parent and the reality that you have no control over your environment. I struggled for many years with not being able to handle situations that were not under my control. I would internalize this and it would come out it indulgent, and unhealthy behaviors, such as over-eating of sweets and smoking.

The one thing that really frightened me was to be in a room full of people I didn't know. I finally told myself over and over that I am just like everyone else in the room. I am no different. I think one of the side-effects of my childhood abuse was not feeling connected to others. Always feeling like an outsider. I can't say that I find being in a room full of people I don't know as comfortable, but I have practiced this enough that I can have conversations with these people and then immediately afterward, I will praise myself and remind myself that I am just like everyone else.

I guess I tell you this to validate you and to say I understand what you are going through.

Wishing you all the best and keep posting!

Peace and blessings! 

[BooKat]

Hi Ray - I have a diagnosis of anxiety too. I was in therapy for five years before I was able to acknowledge that it stemmed from my feelings of not having any control in the very chaotic and unpredictable relationship with my UBPD mother. The anxiety attacks were awful: racing heart, nausea, dizziness, an overwhelming fear of imminent death. And, they were completely unpredictable as to when they would occur, which was scary. Finally, once I was able to admit to myself that my relationship with  my mother was and always had been dysfunctional and was not "normal", I became able to set firm limits on my contact with her and enforce them. Enforcing the limits gave me control over our chaotic relationship and that is when the anxiety attacks at last stopped. Therapy was so helpful in teaching me how to control my anxiety, do take advantage of therapy sessions whenever you can get them.

[Indie]

Hi RayNigh and everyone, I am familiar with "The Secret".  In my metaphysical moments, I stretch and posit my uBPDm is the mother I chose in order that I could grow leaps and bounds in this life.  That is when I am the strongest, when I can take her mean, destructive and manipulative ways and use the knowledge of how it has affected my life to better my sphere of influence.  In my worst moments, it has been victimhood/pity party (I believe I am past most of that, though I think it will always creep in here and there).

My anxiety has been crushing of late, but as I am NC, likely for life (she is 92), I have a lot of hope it will improve.  I am working on eliminating other sources of stress too.

My anxiety seems the worst when I wake up in the morning.  Does anyone else share this? 

[Harri]

Indie, what you said here:

In my metaphysical moments, I stretch and posit my uBPDm is the mother I chose in order that I could grow leaps and bounds in this life

is just what I do!  A friend of mine introduced me to that and I have since come to embrace that as part of my spiritual beliefs.  I use it as a tool to drag my sorry butt out of the victimhood/pity party by reminding myself that I chose this, no one is doing this to me and it is not about what I 'deserve' but rather it is about what I need to learn this time around.

And even that (believing in past lives and future lives, etc) is a total break from what my mother believed and it was a long long time before I even allowed myself to go there due to anxiety about breaking out on my own in terms of spiritual beliefs and growth.  Okay... .so more sources of anxiety for me related to forming my own identity and breaking the dysfunctional bond.   

Raynigh, given the anxiety you have and the way you were raised to keep things private, I am all the more impressed at your courage to post here.  It may be anonymous on the boards, but it is in no way easy to share and be vulnerable, especially not after being threatened since childhood for divulging 'secrets'.  You may not be feeling it, but you are breaking through your anxiety and ending the legacy of secrecy and shame.  that is fabulous!   

Oh yeah, I am also impressed that you are able to stand in front of a group of people and speak... .intelligently even! 

clljhns, I am going to use your technique for dealing with anxiety the next time I am in a new place with a bunch of people.  Thank you for sharing that!

[Indie]

That's pretty cool Harri!   Can you just imagine us in between lives, plotting what types of relationships give the most bang for the karma buck?     

[RayNigh]

Indie,

It's been awhile since I've been able to log on due to my work obligations. The anxiety can sometimes be worse in the morning. I've woken up with heart populations. Sometimes waking up itself can be very painful for me. It's almost like my body has trouble adjusting from the sleep to wake mode of being.