BPD insecurity and criticism

[caughtnreleased]

Hi, I've been thinking about insecurity and a person's ability to accept criticism recently and was interested in other people's experience with this.  After a while I realized how incredibly and deeply insecure my BPDex was.   He always talked about other women being interested in him, and once when I said something about boring, he exclaimed, that's probably what I really thought about him.  I also noticed that he was completely incapable of accepting any kind of criticism, and that if I even remotely told him that certain things that he did would upset me he would tell me that I was making him feel like crap... .

Once I called him obnoxious and he looked like he was going to cry.   Has anyone else experienced this with their BPD, or how did they experience their BPDs insecurity?  It's like he couldn't stand my saying anything negative about him or he would break down, which to me is so incredibly destructive for a relationship, because it means there is no way to constructively resolve conflict, and it's a way for me to constantly tell him what a great guy he is, which just isn't my style quite frankly.  In fact, it seemed like our cycle would include him doing something rude, my telling him it upset me, him getting mad that I was making him feel bad... .then a period of space between us, and then reconciliation where we didn't really talk about our recent conflict... .It seemed that as things went by, it got more and more tedious to talk to him about things, and we didn't really talk much about conflict, except once when I decided I didn't care, and just let lose on him.  He actually seemed to like that better.  But if I criticized him without being angry, well, that was just a no no. Anyway, to me, not being able to express to someone what they did that upset you prevents a relationship from going forward properly.    I think he also had all these other women in the background (sometimes in the foreground) as a result of this insecurity.  That really repulsed me actually.  Anyway, just some thoughts.  To me I feel like this deep insecurity, and really self hatred, was what made it rather impossible to be in a relationship with him. 

[sirensong65]

Yes! With both of my exes who I feel sure were BPD (and the one I know for sure was diagnosed Bi polar.).  I couldn't say ANYTHING to the one without him having to bolt out of the house and then talk to me via facebook IM!  Forget rational communication.  I could say it in the calmest, sweetest way possib;e, "honey... can you please take off your shoes, I just shampooed the carpet and her would storm out and then text me all sorts of things like, "you think I am an ass, you think I'm not good enough, I will NEVER be good enough for you!"  I would always sit perplexed and think, "where did he get THAT from, "please take off your shoes?"

The last one, if I said, "you are behaving kinda nutty", he'd hang up the phone, then text me saying I was the most selfish person he had ever met, then go NC for about a week, then text me, "I miss you so much... ."  Who the hell hangs up on people in their 40's?  That should have been my first clue.  He always said, you call me names and I will NOT tolerate it.  I never called him anything, I would just communicate I didn't like his cold behavior.  Thing is, I should have run when we had a conversation on what each of us was looking for in a relationship and he said, "someone who will respect me and stand by me even when I am wrong... .".  I had no way of knowing what the "wrong" would be but that meant hurting me during sex, and telling me he would nothing but an exclusive relationship but in the end that was a rule for me only... .he was out having the time of his life and eventually dumped me when he had a full plate of what he thought were more thrilling options.  I was told, "look you are a nice girl, a good girl and you treated me good... .but we have been making something out of nothing."  The week before I was told, keep it up and you might find an engagement ring under the tree this year. 

These people are nuts.

[BlackandBlue]

My ex was very insecure, had low self confidence and low self esteem. Due would always say that she doesn't look good enough for me, im a scrub, or im embarrassed of her, etc... .and it was totally false. I dont even know where she was getting this crap from. I told her all the time that I thought she was beautiful and it was never enough and never sunk in. There were times when beautiful women would be on tv and stuff and she would bait be into fights by saying something about them to see what kind of response I would give... .it was never the right answer and no win situation. Her insecurity is one of the main reasons our relationship didnt work... .the other being her extreme clinginess. She eventually ran me into the ground emotionally and I withdrew from the relationship because of depression and she left me... .i dont get it

[PhoenixBlack]

Insecurity was a huge source of anxiety for my ex. I learned fairly early on that despite saying that she wanted my 'truthful' opinion on x,y,z… what she really wanted was absolute reassurance in any way shape or form and that I should avoid any form of criticism at all costs. I'm not insensitive and am generally very respectful of people's feelings and if I do offer criticism, then I try to do it gently or constructively... but with her - she couldn't take any. One day she asked me what I thought of decorating she'd done on the house, and when I offered an alternative way of doing something she exploded and raged. Caught me completely off guard. That was the first time I think. I remember being shocked despite earlier red flags that I'd conveniently ignored.

[earthgirl]

YES. 

And the frustration is increased ten-fold when their extreme sensitivity to ANY kind of honest, truthful talk, no matter how gentle, is coupled with the really hurtful, unnecessary, cutting things said by them. 

This is one of the things I struggle with the most.

[willtimeheal]

What I found was she was allowed to hurt and criticize me to no end but if I mentioned anything, even how she was treating me I would be met with a rage. I learned not to say anything... .as you can guess over time I grew resentful and here I am NC.

[Mutt]

then a period of space between us, and then reconciliation where we didn't really talk about our recent conflict... .It seemed that as things went by, it got more and more tedious to talk to him about things, and we didn't really talk much about conflict

I understand it is difficult when you are invalidated by having the previous interaction dismissed or dissociated as if it never happened or transpired. It is so frustrating.

Borderlines have issues with object constancy with people and things in their lives. They have difficulties viewing a person with prior context and as a unified whole and consistency.  They analyze a person's individual actions and read you by the last interaction with you.

[caughtnreleased]

Borderlines have issues with object constancy with people and things in their lives. They have difficulties viewing a person with prior context and as a unified whole and consistency.  They analyze a person's individual actions and read you by the last interaction with you.

Wow, that is so weird. But it sounds right.  they are lost souls... .In a sense, if I reach back to myself when I was 16, maybe I can associate a tiny little bit with pwBPD.  The insecurity, and wondering if that thing that person said was actually a veiled criticism of you... .

But really, to me a normal relationship evolves the following way: you get along, hang out, get to know eachother... .have some kind of a conflict, resolve the conflict, get to understand eachother a lot better, hang out more, appreciate eachother more, have another conflict, resolve it correctly, get to know eachother more, until... .you reach a smooth sailing where when you disagree you are able to talk about it in a non-disruptive manner.  With a borderline, because they are SOO insecure, and CANNOT hear any criticism from you well it goes like this: You get along... .WOA! that was nice, you hang out... .ALLL THE TIME! WOAAAA that FEEELS GOOD!WOOHOO I'M ON CLOUD NINE... .but wait, you disagree. BAAAAAAMMM! they're gone... .huh? What? helloo? hellloo? they're gone... .a few weeks later you get a "Hey what"s up?" (they're done recycling their ex). They're back... .and boy they'RE SOO INTOO YOOUUUUUU! But they hint at their latest recycles or their replacement or something... .so you start to feel insecure, and then there' s another conflict - what you're sleeping with three people at the same time as ME? BAM! they're gone... .REPEAT.   To me, the big, BIG problem in this, is because they cannot BE present, that is express their true selves, the relationship is mostly non-existent.  There is no relationship.  There is no conflict resolution, and actually providing for eachothers needs, because a BPD cannot express theirs... .so you cannot even begin to understand them, or care for them, because they can't tell you.  It's like a newborn baby cries, and his mother knows what he wants.   That's what  a BPD wants from us... .We've seen mothers of newborn babies: they basically have no needs of their own, and are entirely invested in their newborns, totally sleep deprived, etc. I guess that's what happens to you if a BPD gets their way... .

[myself]

They want the spotlight on them, but also hate the spotlight being on them.

We're supposed to help keep their newest masks intact. "Or Else." No questions asked. The truth doesn't seem to matter when anything goes.

If we're feeling insecure, because they've criticized us? It's not their problem.

[Hopeless777]

What I found was she was allowed to hurt and criticize me to no end but if I mentioned anything, even how she was treating me I would be met with a rage. I learned not to say anything... .as you can guess over time I grew resentful and here I am NC.

I couldn't agree more. I can't even attempt to add much to this discussion. If my BPDw asked my opinion and I constructively gave it, look out! Eventually, I just gave up.

[rg1976]

WOW THIS! Okay, so my situation is this exactly, except I can't talk about my life at all. Everything I say is perceived to be a criticisism. If I talk about my life, my feelings, anything about a previous conflict, or even her behavior in the moment as it is happening, then BAM!  I get slammed and then she says: "You think I'm an effing POS! You tell me I'm a POS ALL THE TIME!"

Reality is this: I try to use S.E.T. but the truth statement is totally twisted and I am raged upon.  It makes me so very sad for her. I wish I could help her see that I do not think these things, but that battle has never and will never be won.

I hate that she is in so much pain and I wish I could make it better. I stayed for 3 years and constantly put myself in harms way for her. It sucks so much!

Now I'm just angry that she is how she is, so I keep my distance because she says I only make her feel bad and (apparently) I am the only person who causes her this trouble.

Yes, their behaviours are terrible. No one deserves what they dish out, but they are very very ill. So it really is OUR fault for engaging with them! I wish it weren't so, but it is, so time to figure out what kept me in this horrible mess for so long.

[findingmyselfagain]

changednreleased,

These "no-win" situations seem to be common on these Boards. I fell head over heels in the beginning, so of course I tried to weather any storm she threw at me, no matter how confusing, because I truly believed she was my "soulmate." It still confuses me. I sometimes wonder what I saw in it except that I was addicted and lonely for love. She always seemed to take nearly everything as an attack or would twist it in the worst way possible. If I told her she was sexy then she would wonder if that was the ONLY reason I liked her. And she was the one who so badly wanted to take my virginity in the beginning (talk about a trial-by-fire... .but that's another story!). I gave her some nice perfume for her birthday and was accused of "ulterior motives." It's been almost 4 years now since our official break-up. It was relatively free of drama but the worst part for me was the complete and total discard of feelings for me. I was scratching my head then and still do about the whole thing. Though it was an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone, there's no way I would allow myself to go back through Borderline Lane again. It took me a long time to see it, but we're better off now. We can change our futures. It's very difficult to nearly impossible in many cases for them. Best of luck on your journey!