How to handle the guilt?

[merlin4926]

the last few days I have been generally much happier and doing better. However I get moments of real guilt. Now my anger towards my expbd is subsiding I feel bad for 'dumping' him and not being there to help him with the stuff I used to. Also that I am adding myself to the long list of people who have abandoned him including his own mum.  How can I deal with this and stay strong?

Also I get fleeting moments where I think about writing him a letter to explain that I didn't want to hurt him but had to protect myself. 

Grateful for any support

[christoff522]

the last few days I have been generally much happier and doing better. However I get moments of real guilt. Now my anger towards my expbd is subsiding I feel bad for 'dumping' him and not being there to help him with the stuff I used to. Also that I am adding myself to the long list of people who have abandoned him including his own mum.  How can I deal with this and stay strong?

Also I get fleeting moments where I think about writing him a letter to explain that I didn't want to hurt him but had to protect myself. 

Grateful for any support

Understand that the guilt isnt real. Its as much a part of his control over you as anything else. Its based upon his subtle manipulations and YOUR inner issues. Ignore its effects and do not act upon it. It will subside. I recommend working on your self-esteem. You must realise that you're more important to you than he is. Youre not his mother, you're not expected to care for him like hes a baby. Hes a big lad and can look after himself. Time to care for you now

[drummerboy]

I had those feelings for the first few months too even though she dumped me. I used to think, if I had done this or I hadn't done that we'd still be together and I know I could have helped her. Of course I realise what a nonsense thing that was to think. No one can help a BPD until they want to help themselves.

You feel guilt because you are a loving, compassionate soul. Nothing wrong with that, the world needs more like you, but you can't help him until the penny drops with him. By going back you would just take on the role of an enabler and enablers are what keeps these people where they are.

It would be much more productive to investigate why you might have this saviour thing going in yourself. I know I have it and am working hard to get rid of it. I stayed with a heroin addict years ago because I thought I could save her and then years later I thought I could save a BPD and got royally dumped for my efforts. Time for us to look at ourselves and work out why we do this. There are lots of mentally healthy people out there upon whom our love would be welcomed.

the last few days I have been generally much happier and doing better. However I get moments of real guilt. Now my anger towards my expbd is subsiding I feel bad for 'dumping' him and not being there to help him with the stuff I used to. Also that I am adding myself to the long list of people who have abandoned him including his own mum.  How can I deal with this and stay strong?

Also I get fleeting moments where I think about writing him a letter to explain that I didn't want to hurt him but had to protect myself. 

Grateful for any support

[Infern0]

You shouldn't feel guilt because you couldn't do the impossible. I think sadness and compassion is more healthy.  You have to self preserve though,  you did your best as we all did, but you were playing a game that can't be won.

She will survive, you need to make sure you do too.

[Recooperating]

Yep... .I can relate! I felt so terribly guilty!

You cant fix what you didnt break!

My mantra for this very issue! His mental health is not something you can fix. HE has to do that and must really be willing to do years of hard work.

We dont help them by taking care if them, we keep them from experiencing the consequences of their actions for them to realize they need help. We keep helping them out, taking resposibility for their mess, fixing it and sacrifing our own health and well being for absolutely nothing! What happens is... .We put in all the effort, but he never changes and he will not apreciate the things you do and sacrifice. We start feeling resentment... ."How can he treat me like this after all I've done!" We dont let them learn from their ___ ups cause we are right there to fix it for em! And we end up hating them for it, while we actually do it ourselfs.

Its his journey to get help. His responsibility to better himself. The only actions we control are those of our own. Let him experience loss, failure... .He is the only one who's able to change it. Its his choice! You have to choose you, choose health, respect and sanity!

[Tater tot]

Understand that the guilt isnt real. Its as much a part of his control over you as anything else. Its based upon his subtle manipulations and YOUR inner issues. Ignore its effects and do not act upon it. It will subside. I recommend working on your self-esteem. You must realise that you're more important to you than he is. Youre not his mother, you're not expected to care for him like hes a baby. Hes a big lad and can look after himself. Time to care for you now

This is great advice and a reminder to all of us who feel guilty for essentially but our emotional well being first.

[Lucky Jim]

Like what you're saying, Recooperating.

I think we all like to imagine ourselves as the Heros of our own Life, yet helping/fixing is not heroic.  Took me a long time to understand that "you can't fix what you didn't break," as you put it!

LuckyJim

[merlin4926]

Thanks everyone really helpful. It's so good having this board to turn to when I have a wobble and think about breaking no contact x

[christoff522]

Thanks everyone really helpful. It's so good having this board to turn to when I have a wobble and think about breaking no contact x

Hey man we all understand. I'm on day 3 of 28 now. No Contact is about regaining yourself, your dominant spirit. BPD's will weaken you, make you feel less of a man. You MUST stick to NC. If possible even deactivate social media to just keep yourself away. Start new hobbies, etc just to create new thought patterns. That way you can move on much much quicker.

[Tolou]

toomuch guilt can become very unhealthy. instead try to replace saying guilt with something  like I disappointed that this didn't work but I am not responsible  for another person's choices or behaviors only my own

[Serenitytoo]

I feel a lot less guilty about the breaking up of this relationship than my previous one to a NPD which was totally trauma bonded as people like to put it. I think going to Counselling has helped alot with this and this forum too, but get this, I am now feeling guilty for not feeling guilty! What shall I make of that?

[MammaMia]

Serenity

Those of us who love pwBPD have been "conditioned" to feel guilt for their unhappiness.  It is necessary to understand the disorder and to realize that we did not create it, we cannot control it, and we cannot allow them to blame us and/or abuse us because of it.

It is not a bad thing to look out for one's own welfare in light of a severe mental illness in another.  It is, in fact, necessary to move forward and be happy.

Look at it this way... .your r/s ended because your partner is seriously mentally ill.  You cannot "fix" this, so you utilized the option to leave to save yourself.  You have every right to do this, and should not feel guilty.

I hope therapy will finally get you over the hump, and that you move forward to a happier life because you deserve it. 

[mrclear]

It wasn't your fault... .Period. Whatever happens in the future concerning him, is not your fault. The only thing you can blame yourself for, is choosing that relationship and finding out why... .That's tough enough... .


atb, mrclear

[Serenitytoo]

I need to keep saying thank you for your replies. I have never had validation of my feelings and it makes me feel that they are "normal" reactions to a stressful situation. I did not choose to leave, I was forced to make a decision between our relationship and my daughter. I chose my daughter, but I feel that I had lost my last chance at making things work between us. Your posts are helping me to realise that I would not have been able to change the way we interacted as a family. Some of this is me, and I am learning to recognise that I have a part to play in this dysfunction. It does not take away the loss and grief of what could have been. I am a very caring person, and I cannot please everyone at the same time, as everyone has different needs. The "proper" childrens needs must come first and the "adult children" have had their chance to learn. I wish things could have different. I thought we were a good match. This has gone off the track of guilt, but it plays a big part.

[Infern0]

The only thing I really feel guilty of is that I verbally lashed out about her to others in the days after all hell broke loose. I said things I didn't really mean,  called her some nasty names and told people some of the crazy things she had done and mocked her with them.

I don't feel proud of myself for that.  Truth is in my core I wish her no Ill will and in fact I really hope sooner than later she gets herself into that therapy that they can get and finds herself in with people who understand her and can look out for her without enabling.

Truth is I know that probably won't happen.

But yeah I do feel bad,  her reputation is tarnished and a lot of people now know she has a serious problem because I couldn't control my anger and pain for a while there.  I'd take it back if I could.

[drummerboy]

I fell guilty about an email I sent here about 6 weeks after we broke up. I was in a total mess, really hurting and I told her that I didn't want any more contact ever and that "I don't think you're a very nice person" This was before I learned much about BPD and I realised how severe her illness is. She is a nice person, with an awful illness.

[Infern0]

I fell guilty about an email I sent here about 6 weeks after we broke up. I was in a total mess, really hurting and I told her that I didn't want any more contact ever and that "I don't think you're a very nice person" This was before I learned much about BPD and I realised how severe her illness is. She is a nice person, with an awful illness.

It'd be easy to do.

Somehow I never raged at her,  never lashed out. Even at the end. I just sent her a nice email and went ghost. 

But yeah I sure raged to all and sundry around me!