Cleaning out our lives?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi.

Have any of you noticed that while recovering from the unhealthy, toxic BPD relationships, have you also been setting better boundaries about who you'll allow into your lives in general?

I find I'm going through a sort of "house-cleaning" phase even with friends and such.

One friend is so self-absorbed (no she's not BPD) that she really can't let me even finish a sentence without interrupting me to discuss her workout at the gym or some such thing. I could literally be trying to talk about my divorce and she cuts me off mid-sentence! We have zero in common and I don't enjoy hanging out with her anymore. I think I need to phase her out and just not be available.

I cannot have people in my life who are so self-absorbed that they can't give as well as take. I'm seriously getting rid of a lot of dead weight in my life and I'm curious about your own experiences.

[SpringInMyStep]

Hi.

Have any of you noticed that while recovering from the unhealthy, toxic BPD relationships, have you also been setting better boundaries about who you'll allow into your lives in general?

I find I'm going through a sort of "house-cleaning" phase even with friends and such.

One friend is so self-absorbed (no she's not BPD) that she really can't let me even finish a sentence without interrupting me to discuss her workout at the gym or some such thing. I could literally be trying to talk about my divorce and she cuts me off mid-sentence! We have zero in common and I don't enjoy hanging out with her anymore. I think I need to phase her out and just not be available.

I cannot have people in my life who are so self-absorbed that they can't give as well as take. I'm seriously getting rid of a lot of dead weight in my life and I'm curious about your own experiences.

[LovexLife]

I feel exactly the same. Every one who reminds me my ex, by their behaviors and sometimes the way the look, is not welcomed anymore in my life. I' m not rude or anything but I put a distance between us.

I think it's a good thing, a lot of them are way too negatives for me.

Now I just want healthy people in my life 

[SpringInMyStep]

Me too! My therapist always says "the next time you're in a relationship, the person has to at least be as mentally healthy as you are". Word.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, when we allow someone to so blatantly bludgeon our boundaries, and feel the pain that results, it resets them.  Plus, when we go through a period of profound growth, motivated by pain, it can change our existing relationships.  I got very selfish and intolerant of bullsht as I detached, probably overshot the line a little, but overshooting the line is the best way to see where it is.  I too ended up removing several people from my life, people who it never felt all that good with, but I was 'letting it go'; now that I've felt what it feels like when you 'let it go' with the wrong person, I'm not going there again even a little bit. 

So I choose to believe we've raised our standards and lowered the level of what we're willing to tolerate.  We can look at it as cleaning out our lives, and maybe making room for healthier relationships is a better frame, cleaning it out being the first step.  It's a kind of waking up to what is real isn't it?  I've been awakened from my sleepwalking, and I was talking to a real friend recently, complaining that I thought she said I'd feel better, and she said no, I said you'd feel everything better.  Well ain't that the truth, time for some real livin'.

[SpringInMyStep]

It does feel good! I'm in a super good mood today after seeing her yesterday and realizing what a hot mess she is. Ha. That might sound cold, but there are zero feelings there. This is helping me move on big time.

[Recooperating]

Yep, my problem is... .I have issues with my dad who has a lot of NPD traits. I always "let him" never argued or put him in his place, but find it harder and harder... .My mom is codependent and thats hard to watch too.

I understand these are my FOO issues, resulting in me having codependent traits... .Im recorvering from that now, but its hard to keep my mouth shut.

My dad is now 70 years old and my mom is terminally ill, so cleaning house there and changing patterns is harsh. But I do find myself distancing myself more from him and not taking his BS anymore. (Which is hard for them)

[Infern0]

I have had to go no contact on several former friends due to this. One guy who has strong traits of NPD and a girl who had self harm issues etc who I was also trying to help but who I think may be another borderline.

I'm not sure what they are or aren't but they are both toxic and I don't want those sort of influences around me anymore.  I have some really nice stable friends and I'm happy to have them in my life.

[SpringInMyStep]

And you know what? Reading everyone's stories and going through all of my own stuff has really made me think that we are all stronger than we thought we were. I think it's important for us all to just hang on, hang in there, and know that we are taking the steps needed to make our lives better and to finally look out for ourselves.

I know it seems like a long process for some of you, but really hang in there. For me, with each tiny step, it gets a little bit better. I'm now done with the condo refinance and I survived seeing her yesterday. Now we move on to the divorce process. I have confidence that once that's done, I will have a different set of feelings and probably will feel even better and more empowered.

[LettingGo14]

Totally affirm the journey you are on, ilovestrawberries.  I always liked the quote, "Be the person you want to attract."  I definitely "woke up" as a result of my experience.   It did, mostly, change my perspective on how I relate to the world.  I don't things so personally anymore.  Things happen, and I am learning to believe in my own capability for dealing.

Keep on going forward!

[Mutt]

I think it's important for us all to just hang on, hang in there, and know that we are taking the steps needed to make our lives better and to finally look out for ourselves.

Wise words ilovestrawberries  Thank you for sharing.

[Pingo]

Me too! My therapist always says "the next time you're in a relationship, the person has to at least be as mentally healthy as you are". Word.

This!

I recently connected with an old boyfriend on fb and I believe he is an alcoholic and even though I can remember we had a lot of fun in the old days, I am not even tempted to rekindle things as I am done with my rescue and enabling career!  I only have time for mentally healthy and mature people now.  My therapist told me that being surrounded by healthy and affirming people can actually change your brain to new patterns!  This is very exciting to me!

[SpringInMyStep]

It is exciting! I really wish I had known this stuff before now... .I'm 48! I just did everything later than most people and didn't really have relationships when I was in my 20s, so there wasn't much practice. I used to joke that I don't date, I either sleep with people or marry them.

But now it's going to be different.