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Author Topic: Willfulness Vs. Willingness  (Read 821 times)
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« on: September 11, 2014, 09:57:02 AM »

Do we know the differences?

Do we know how to get from Willfulness to Willingess (or Wisemind)?

Can understanding the differences help us with dealing with our BPD loved ones?

Could achieving that understanding help our peace of mind? Even improve our health?

To quote united for now, an Emeritus member:

Willfulness

~ is sitting on your hands when action is needed, refusing to make any changes that are needed.

~ is giving up

~ is the opposite of "doing what works"

~ is trying to fix every situation

~ is refusing to tolerate the moment

Willfulness means that you are still struggling against accepting the reality that your loved one is mentally ill.

Willingness

~ is doing just what is needed in each situation. It is focusing on effectiveness

~ is listening carefully to your wise mind and acting from your inner self

~ is allowing into your awareness your connection to the universe - to the earth, the floor you are standing on, to the chair you are sitting on, to the person you are talking to


We tend to get trapped in willfulness, often times we feel we are justified in how we feel. Willfulness isn't effective at bringing people closer together though. Willfulness only creates distance and distrust.

So when you reflect on how you interact with others - are you showing willingness or willfulness?

What part of willingness are you having the hardest time doing?


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« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2014, 10:02:22 AM »

Willfulness

~ is sitting on your hands when action is needed, refusing to make any changes that are needed.

~ is giving up

~ is the opposite of "doing what works"

~ is trying to fix every situation

~ is refusing to tolerate the moment

Willfulness means that you are still struggling against accepting the reality that your loved one is mentally ill.

I see Willfulness as ego-driven; when I know my BPD loved one cannot help the way he/she feels but I don't care. I get angry or offended, and I want to lash out back because it "feels good" even if it exacerbates the situation.

I know in my heart that I can change things by using my understanding of my loved one's disorder to handle the situation better (even if just by walking away from a fight or listening with empathy and being compassionately silent), but I won't. Because I just have to get my opinion or argument aired... .if it leads to escalation of the situation, well, so be it  


Willingness

~ is doing just what is needed in each situation. It is focusing on effectiveness

~ is listening carefully to your wise mind and acting from your inner self

~ is allowing into your awareness your connection to the universe - to the earth, the floor you are standing on, to the chair you are sitting on, to the person you are talking to

I see Willingness as being heart- (or even soul-) driven... .I'm not just looking to be vindicated or proven right or finding satisfaction from "winning" the argument. I want the relationship to thrive, to be healthy, to move forward in a good and satisfying direction for both of us. I want to be loving to my loved one; I want to be understanding and empathetic. I'm not looking to be taken advantage of or harmed, but I do want to get out of my own ego-need to be "right" and do what is best for the relationship.


We tend to get trapped in willfulness, often times we feel we are justified in how we feel. Willfulness isn't effective at bringing people closer together though. Willfulness only creates distance and distrust.

So when you reflect on how you interact with others - are you showing willingness or willfulness?

What part of willingness are you having the hardest time doing?

I think that the hardest part of Willingness is letting my ego take a back seat to my heart (or soul). It's feeling that I'm strong enough, and balanced enough--in my opinion of myself--to let go of needing to "win" or be "right" to feel whole. I need to be whole as a human being without beating my loved one in an argument or conflict.

Getting to this point happens for me more often these days; I don't react in a knee-jerk angry fashion with perceived slights as often as before. I've learned to not take stuff personally so much anymore; I realize that BPD behaviors are more about my loved one who has them, rather than about me.

The other day my Husband (who has BPD traits and often says things rather impulsively), responded to my telling him that I'd lost another pound since last week, without thinking. I've been dieting, and each pound and half pound lost is monumental to me  Being cool (click to insert in post)  So when I proudly said that I'd just weighed myself and I'd lost another pound, he congratulated me and then very happily put his hand on my stomach and said "this is next to go", with a smile! Yikes!  

Of course I was offended, but instead of getting really mad (like I would've last year, before learning the stuff on this site), I just said with a smile, "I'd like to just celebrate my accomplishment here, Okay?" And I actually was detached enough from his strange reaction that he realized what he'd done and said, "Wow... .I'm really insensitive, aren't I? I'm really sorry... ." and he gave me a hug.

Last year this would've sent me into a real hurt place, and we would've had a pretty bad day because my reaction would've angered him because I'm "too sensitive" and therefore he couldn't "say anything!" But that day was great, and we were very happy and easy with each other with no stress... .Believe me, this is an accomplishment for both of us, and it happened because of my learning not to get so huffed up with his impulsive comments... .

This story, of course, is about my relationship with my Husband, but I could just as easily cite a conflict with my son... .Willfulness and Willingness applies to my dealings with my son, also. It's something I work on every day  Being cool (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2014, 03:44:18 PM »

This topic is at the heart of my 'recovery' as the mom of BPDDD28 and grandma/mommy for gd9. DD can not live in our home again, gd9 has always lived here. dh and I took over her primary care at 8 months. It has been a very hard journey, and I often very very willfully do not want to do it anymore!

Radical Acceptance is the core way I have to move from being willful to becoming willing. Willing to fully participate in my daily life no matter what - pain, hardship, distress, chaos, joy, delight, peace, rest. My personal path into radical acceptance has been within my faith in God. Others come from other directions. The basics are the same. Willingness can lead toward radical acceptance. Willfulness often leads to suffering - especially when the situation is one we want desperately to control or fix even though it is someone else's problem/responsibility. Willingness is accepting reality.

I need to ponder on this a bit to share some examples of both sides of this. I have been working to practice this DBT skill set since coming here in 2009. It is hard, it is worth it.

Gd's bus is almost here. I will be back. Do you have any examples you can share.

insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  This is the struggle between willful and willing!

qcr
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« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2014, 04:01:43 PM »

I've been giving this a bit of thought.

One area I'm having difficulty with is radical acceptance that relationships between members of my family are not as I would wish them to be.

I find myself becoming upset and stressed because my daughters are angry and not speaking to each other. I find it difficult to truly listen to them and hear and validate their distress because it distresses ME.

Also I get frustrated and angry with my DH because he doesn't handle things the way I would like him to-I hear him being invalidating and notice him triangulating (he has not read .many of the things I would like him to read).

I am trying to work on miindfulness skills so that I can hear and validate my DDs whilst keeping centered and calm. I don't have to agree with them-just validate the valid and resist the urge to fix things.

I think as a Mum it is possible to feel over-responsible-you have that history of being a caregiver and helping resolve difficulties-but it is no longer appropriate with adults-they need to experience the effects of their own behavior.

I think radical acceptance that things are as they are and using mindfulness to remain centered whilst listening to other people's difficult emotions would help.

I need to work on letting go of preconceptions of how I would LIKE things to be.
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« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2014, 12:44:24 AM »

We tend to get trapped in willfulness, often times we feel we are justified in how we feel. Willfulness isn't effective at bringing people closer together though. Willfulness only creates distance and distrust.

So when you reflect on how you interact with others - are you showing willingness or willfulness?

What part of willingness are you having the hardest time doing?

This is such a great question and such a profound way to look at my interactions.  Honestly, I think I come from willingness most of the time in most of my interactions.  I like "being right."  Who doesn't?  But I learned long ago that being right is NOT important where relationships are concerned.  It is okay to agree to disagree. So, I am usually willing to listen and validate, rather than be right.

However, sometimes willingness makes me feel very sad.  Radical acceptance tells me my BPDD17 has a debilitating mental illness and I can't predict how long it will take her to mature or if she will EVER be capable of supporting herself and living on her own.  Then I find I am willful and angry when DH (who hasn't read a single book or article about BPD) minimizes the grief and sadness I feel about our DD's prognosis.  He thinks she will bumble around for a couple more years and eventually get focused and become successful.  I desperately want DH to be RIGHT, but I know he isn't. I know it will take her much longer, unless we can somehow get DD17 back in DBT treatment.  She has slid backwards to the point that she does not feel she needs therapy or help.  All she needs is to move out of state with her abusive, controlling BF.  And all I can do is watch her go.  It's like watching a train wreck about to happen. The grief I feel about that is overwhelming sometimes.

I am willing to let her learn the hard way.  I am willing to be wrong.  I am willing to give her space to do things her own way.  I am willful about setting limits to minimize the effect of the negative consequences she brings into our lives. So perhaps that is why my limits don't work?  Idea I'll have to ponder this some more... .


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« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2014, 08:32:17 AM »

Great post!

Doing just what is needed in each situation, is my challenge.

My mind tends to operate at 300km/hr solving future issues, which takes me out of the present.

Someone on a different post suggested using "I am... .",  I am cleaning up, I am enjoying myself at gym, I am resting, I am working on this proposal.

It helps me focus, and be in the moment.
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« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2014, 09:47:29 AM »

After reading other responses I do think I have given up on the need to be right and I am generally willing to listen, validate and try to understand another persons perspective but I wonder if this urge to fix things for people is a sign of willfulness-a desire not to accept thing as they are?

Also I notice that when I feel emotional I am less effective at showing willingess-so part of the secret is to find a way of keeping calm in the storm and relates to self care, mindfulness etc.

I try to focus on my breathing and I like Moselles idea of mentally putting words on my actions.

Sometimes though I just need to take a break-but to be careful to do that without being invalidating.

Just thinking aloud really. Daughter is going to be staying in my house soon and is moving back to live nearby-I can already feel apprehension. This relates to ragephobia-the fear of being raged upon.

Any other suggestions of how I can get this under control

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« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2014, 05:02:57 PM »

I am naturally a problem-solver and a quick learner. That's a strength. However, every coin has another side:  this type of strength often comes with a weakness of being a fixer, trying to take control of things that aren't in our power, or becoming obsessed, and not being able to just let go.

Excerpt
Willingness

~ is doing just what is needed in each situation. It is focusing on effectiveness

As long as there is something I CAN do and BE EFFECTIVE, I am ok.

It's when I realize that this is out of my hands and I can't DO anything to change the situation for the better, that's when I have a really hard time, and tend to become distressed.

I don't necessarily end up doing anything one way or another, but experience the inner turmoil and the below is a good description:

Willfulness

~ is refusing to tolerate the moment

Willfulness means that you are still struggling against accepting the reality that your loved one is mentally ill.

When I am walking around and ruminating about the situation for hours, can't concentrate on other things and finally realize that my chest is all tight, that's when I know I need to let go.

I take some deep breaths and release this burden to God, because, frankly, there is no point in me holding onto something I can't change anyway - but try telling me before I realize it myself. 

I think I am getting better at recognizing and realizing it faster, but there are still situations that throw me for a loop... .
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« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2014, 10:24:52 AM »

Another way to look at this topic is the desire for mindfulness. This helps me turn my mind toward becoming willing - willing in the moment. It has become a daily practice for me. The hard part it to truly let my judging thinking pass on - even judging myself for not being 'good enough' at moving toward willingness.

I searched my files for an article by Cindy Sanderson, PhD that I printed out a few years ago about mindfulness. It has been a great resource for me over the past few years. Here is the link:

www.dbtselfhelp.com/Mindfulness_For_Clients__Friends_and_Family.pdf

Her definition of mindfulness: "awareness without judgment of what is, via direct and immediate experience". When I am able to become a willing participant in my life, this moment of my life, fully aware of this moment, then I can find peace and rest. When I am able to link these moments together I can have a really 'good day' regardless of what others are choosing to be around me.

The awareness is really important as I easily drift off into dissociated place (disconnected from the reality of this moment) or I fall asleep (unconscious of this moment entirely). 

What do you all think of this?

qcr
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« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2014, 04:36:09 PM »

What do you all think of this?

Great article, QCR!  The concept of "Mindfulness" is easy to wrap my head around when I think of it this way... .

"What I am thinking/feeling/experiencing in THIS MOMENT is_____________."

I took a 3-day seminar last year that included this practice several times a day on all three days.  What I noticed by the end of the seminar was when I asked myself this same question over and over in a row for several minutes at a time, my answer changed each time.  So, that brings up a lot of possibility to create a different thought/feeling/experience in the next moment.

The other thing I noticed about doing this is it is impossible to have more than one thought/feeling/experience in any given moment. Our brains do not allow it.

This practice could be a good way to deal with anger, grief, or other negative feelings.  It's hard to remember to ask myself this question when I'm in the middle of negativity.  (I still get into feeling sorry for myself at times, as you probably just saw in my post from last week.)

I've tried to do it to reduce chronic pain, though I admit, I have not mastered it well enough to stop a migraine or spasm in my back. However, staying in THIS MOMENT opens a lot of possibility to get breaks from the pain moment by moment though.

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« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2014, 07:55:45 PM »

When I asked myself this same question over and over in a row for several minutes at a time, my answer changed each time.  So, that brings up a lot of possibility to create a different thought/feeling/experience in the next moment.

The other thing I noticed about doing this is it is impossible to have more than one thought/feeling/experience in any given moment. Our brains do not allow it.

This is a profound post. If we can only think one thing at a time, it basically means we are 100% in control of our thoughts. We cannot choose what happens to us in a day, but in theory then, we can suggest to our mind an appropriate thought (subject to our personal choice) 24/7. I have a quote on my wall which says "if we can change our thoughts, we can change our world" . And I also realise that I can change my thoughts about my dBP/NPw. I can choose to be, or not be frustrated when she does something childish, or does something which completely ignores my needs/wants/desires, because she is so self absorbed in her life

I also can't think of anything other than those three things which can happen in my day - thoughts, feelings and experiences, and I am personally accountable for those things

I can't wait to share this with my teenager who seems to be having an interesting thought pattern at the moment LOL
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« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2014, 10:46:45 PM »

The other thing I noticed about doing this is it is impossible to have more than one thought/feeling/experience in any given moment. Our brains do not allow it.

I also can't think of anything other than those three things which can happen in my day - thoughts, feelings and experiences, and I am personally accountable for those things.

So when someone tells me that the only person I can control is myself, this may be what that means for me (willingness). What keeps me trapped into thinking I CAN control someone else, or at least have an impact toward change (willfulness)?

My experience has been that as I take control of myself, retain a sense of calm (ie. giving myself a path to relieve my angry feelings/thoughts - mindfulness practices), then respond to whatever from that place, the other person often shifts in their reaction back to me. It takes time though. I have to repeat this over and over and over to cement these changes.

Another way to look at the changes in patterns of relationships here is that when we change how we think and feel, it changes our experience. This changes the neurology inside our head - blazes new neural pathways and activation biochemicals. The more a path/activation is repeated the stronger this connection becomes. This seems to be working with me - 3-5 years of new learning and practice, though the past year has been the most dramatic. And the deepest h*ll in many ways. Kept my head above the waves though.

For my r/s with my BPDDD28 the results are variable depending on her perceptions of reality. It seems these may be based on a very complex combination of things in her brain. It is so out of balance - my experience and verified by testing over time. When she is in a place to be self-reflective, we can have a reasonable discussion. She asks questions about specific situations in her relationships mostly with boyfriends - why they are or aren't working as she expects. When she is distressed, feeling abandoned, ill, tired -- not able to take care of herself -- she loses this self-reflective ability and reverts back to her old patterns. Sometimes I follow her backwards. Whew, that is not a good time at all!

Yet, over time her cycling has become less frequent. She is puts effort  into reaching out to me in her distress and I am better able to maintain my calm - truly not feeling anger - in my response. (willingness) We avoid triggering each other as much. She makes mistakes that have severe consequences. (burn-out and overwhelm) I am better at letting her live in her pain - well with her legal situation I have little choice in that. (willfulness)

It is an amazing thing when this process is working. I am grateful for those events that keep me from intervening in her life lessons - it sure is painful for both of us. It is a learning experience for both of us. (willingness)

Maybe I got off tangent a bit here. Trying to give an example of how the changes with my self-care and faith based mindfulness practice is finally showing sustainable change for me. And maybe for DD too. Contemplative prayer is the basis of my meditations along with breathing into it. Lots of radical acceptance too. And building my support network - then contacting them when I am distress (I tend to think I am self-sufficient -- NOT --  huge willfulness!)

Has anyone else had a similar experience - gradual changes that stick for you? With others? Can you see some of your experiences that are willing or willful? With family? With pwBPD?

qcr

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« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2014, 09:25:35 PM »

Another way to look at this topic is the desire for mindfulness. This helps me turn my mind toward becoming willing - willing in the moment. It has become a daily practice for me. The hard part it to truly let my judging thinking pass on - even judging myself for not being 'good enough' at moving toward willingness.

I searched my files for an article by Cindy Sanderson, PhD that I printed out a few years ago about mindfulness. It has been a great resource for me over the past few years. Here is the link:

www.dbtselfhelp.com/Mindfulness_For_Clients__Friends_and_Family.pdf

Thanks for this link, qcarolr  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

With the Willfulness vs. Willingness subject being mentioned in a few of the other threads going right now, I decided to take another look at this thread, and had forgotten that you gave us this link. I like what this paper says about Wisemind (something that can lead to Willingness):

The Goal of Mindfulness Practice.

In DBT, the goals of mindfulness practice are simply to practice and to experience “Wise Mind”. You’re in wise mind when your emotions and your thoughts work together so that wise action is easy, even when your life and/or circumstances are really hard. You’re in wise mind when you can meet each moment of life as it is, not as you would have it be, and respond to it skillfully. People have different names for wise mind. Some people call it the “true self”, others call it “spirit”, and others refer to it as “being centered”. The name doesn’t matter. What matters is the capacity to have it. And everyone has that capacity. Further, anyone and everyone can decide to work on making the capacity for wise mind stronger and stronger.

Notice that we’re not saying the goal of mindfulness practice is happiness or having a life free from trouble or having an experience of nonstop joy. However, people who practice mindfulness will tell you that they get better at enduring pain, better at solving problems, better at not creating misery for themselves, and better at participating fully in those moments of life that are joyful.


The paper provides many links to sites and other papers that explain and expand on Wisemind, which I think will help us get to the place of Willingness. Some of the links are about "Mindfulness from a Spiritual Perspective" and they are very thoughtful and inspiring... .This is valuable stuff, and I'd love to hear others' thoughts  Being cool (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #13 on: October 02, 2014, 09:46:39 AM »

I wanted to comment and .mention that this is a very loaded statement, which depends on several assumptions.  It is also primarily religious (Buddhist) in nature,  as in my world I have never had a con action with the wood floor or the earth.  That is the sort of hippy dippy trippy stuff that is so far fr that is so 'out there' and  nonsensical to a rational, logical person.

There is also a false dichotomy here.  Reality has many more nuances.  Also "what works" is depe sent on what your goals are.  Kids have parents for a reason, and they need guidance, especially when they are cognitively distorted.  You risk normalizing pathology in being  so resistant to recognizing truth. 

The other thing to remember is that you are always in a relationship with yourself and it is healthy to have  on boundaries and a will of your own.  That is a healthy send of self.  Of course if we are pushovers, any relationship will "improve" on the outside because we give up valuing our own needs and wants, thinking the Other is more important.

I am not buying this presentation at all. Proudly willful, and loving myself.   Not good for pushovers, victims, and people pleasers.  This can be an excuse to abuse and lose ourselves.  Just wanted to post a different perspective.

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« Reply #14 on: October 02, 2014, 10:34:38 AM »

I sent this quickly from my phone - and I can't seem to modify the autocorrect misspellings now.  Hopefully, it is clear enough.

Being willing versus willful is the definition of submissiveness.  It seems to me that we are being asked to submit to our ill children, putting them in the leadership position.  If you are lost in the woods, do you give leadership to the most ill, most lost, cognitively impaired person and tell yourself "let go of expectations" and "there is no truth" while you wander around getting more and more lost?

This makes no sense to me whatsoever.  We need to recognize our roles as guardian, protector, teacher, and role model.  I am not trying to be my child's buddy; I am a parent.  Perhaps if we are this wishy washy, and this  afraid of performing our role as parent-leader, this explains why some of our kids crave the safety and structure of an RTC. 

I would be very, very careful of overthinking everything, and calling rightful authority, guardianship, leadership, and role modeling "willful."  How would this advice work in an RTC setting, if the staff was given this set of expectations?  How would it work at a job? 

Our kids do need to make friends with reality early, and at home so that they do not need jail to teach them.  I do not see it helpful for them to have a spineless parent at home who is so enmeshed with them that they see the importance of their child's approval as a measure of "what is working."  If a parent sets boundaries, and exerts their right to have their property and person respected, there is going to be push-back.  If a child rages, is that proof  it is "not working" and that a parent is being "willful?"

I may be reading this completely wrong, but this rubs me the wrong way as someone who has struggled for years with standing up for myself.   Someone in the Victim role will see this as licence to continue staying in this role, because standing up for themselves is being selfish and "willful."   Peace at all costs is "what works" to a Target.

Let me know if you have thoughts.
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« Reply #15 on: October 02, 2014, 10:59:17 AM »

I am not sure if willingness really means capitulating to all demands and accepting whatever is thrown at us.

I think that it is possible that our "wise mind" could sometimes tell us that now is a time to set a very clear boundary.

What wise mind does do is to stop us acting in the heat of the moment out of anger.

It means that our emotion and logic are working together to help us make effective decisions.

Also mindfulness could help us deal with the emotional response when we are raged at or no contact ensues as a result of us drawing a boundary. It could help us endure our distress and stand firm.

I have been doing my best to practice mindfulness and it helped me stand back a little during the months I did not see my grandchildren and helped me not to make emotional appeals to my daughter-thus escalating the drama.

I am actually finding mindfulness quite useful for tolerating other emotionally difficult situations without becoming snappy and upset (notably visiting my 95 year old Mum who can be very negative and confused and is in an upsetting situation which is unlikely to change).

It reminds me about the well known saying about tolerating the things we cannot change, changing the things we can and having the wisdom to know the difference.


I admit I am becoming slightly confused about the concepts of willingness and willfulness-these are just my thoughts- I may have completely misunderstood.
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« Reply #16 on: October 02, 2014, 12:22:31 PM »

I admit I am becoming slightly confused about the concepts of willingness and willfulness-these are just my thoughts- I may have completely misunderstood.

No, lever, you have got it completely right  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I am not sure if willingness really means capitulating to all demands and accepting whatever is thrown at us.

I think that it is possible that our "wise mind" could sometimes tell us that now is a time to set a very clear boundary.

What wise mind does do is to stop us acting in the heat of the moment out of anger.

It means that our emotion and logic are working together to help us make effective decisions.

Also mindfulness could help us deal with the emotional response when we are raged at or no contact ensues as a result of us drawing a boundary. It could help us endure our distress and stand firm.

Exactly this  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Willingness and Wisemind don't mean we need to be doormats, punching bags, little wimps or gluttons for punishment. It means stepping back and doing what is the best and smartest for all concerned; a way to get out of our own escalating emotions and anger to do what is most productive. For everyone, including ourselves... .

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« Reply #17 on: October 02, 2014, 01:05:21 PM »

Wow, it is great to have so many perspectives on this. Yes, this has been a very confusing topic for me the past 5 years since the term "BPD" entered my awareness.

I would like to use the Karpman Triangle to describe how working on mindfulness is one way to become more wise (ie. grounded, centered, self-controlled... .). I have played all the roles: persecutor, victim, rescuer for most of my life. Even as a very young child. Sometimes the roles were at work all at the same time - now that is truly confusing and terrifying. My position in the moment depended on who I was with and where they were at. My quick switching between roles was also very unsettling for the other people involved -- inconsistency. I have also been working through much guilt and shame I carry for my part in this dysfunctional dance.

Does this make any sense?

The results for me have been to find internal strength to step back, breathe, quiet my voice, slow down my thinking and speaking, then respond. Finding my wisemind skills - being in wisemind. Or being centered, grounded ... .Even one or two seconds can really make a difference between escalation of me and the other person (esp. BPDDD28 or my gd9) vs. being empowered to choose engagement or withdrawal (time-out until things settle). I am always seeking peace.

Often the issue turns on the definition we each bring to the terms used, based on our personal experience with the language and what is triggered for us from the story being created. I am very grateful for this thread to allow an open, honest discussion of each of our experiences.

Here is the link to "Three Faces of Victim", Lynne Forrest

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.20#lastPost


qcr
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qcarolr
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« Reply #18 on: October 02, 2014, 01:29:57 PM »

A reminder to myself: the words in this wiseminded discussion came to me through my exposure to DBT. Reading about it, doing a workbook, attending a DBT parent skills class, etc.

An important consideration for me in all this exploring has been confusion about the spiritual aspects of many of the resources. There is often a sense of Eastern Traditions (including a" Buddhist perspective" that influences the words 'wise-mind', 'mindfulness', 'meditation', etc. Again, this is really a language issue. In the past 3 years I shifted from getting my local support at Al Anon Family Groups to finding a new Christian church and restoring my faith perspective. I have also done a lot of reading that includes interpersonal neuroscience research integrated with the languages of parenting, psychology, medicine, theology, spirituality, etc.

In reading, study, conversation, therapy, etc. my experiences seeking a mindfulness path toward wise-mind, I keep thinking with all these different 'languages' in my head. Very noisy! For me it is about who is telling the story and what their own background and experience is. I can only see the world through the filters of where I am at, and where I have been. It takes a lot of courage to open myself up to all of this. It has been a scary journey yet I am learning so much. It has been worth the pain and feeling crazy.

Just my honest opinions and thoughts.

qcr
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