Just need to touch base with you all...

[thereishope]

Soo, last week I posted about finally making the decision and pursuing seeing what options are out there in order for me and the kids to leave uBPDh... .I am praying diligently for God's direction through this whole process... .I searched on Craigslist all week, and found a few things... .and here I am today... .  I have a cute small house for rent available to me if I can come up with the deposit tomorrow... .as a matter of fact, the older brothers who own it are choosing me because they "felt comfortable with me", and are choosing me above two other serious candidates who probably show better income, etc... .  Another "odd" thing is that I had in the back of my mind that I will want to get a P.O. box for greater invisibility for NC with uBPDh, and lo and behold, today the owner of the home says, "Oh yea, the house doesn't have a mailbox, but the post office accross the street will give you a free post office box... ."  Coincidence? 

Also, uBPDh had bought me a Harley a while back, and it really is my prized possession.  I have wanted one forever, and it fits me PERFECTLY... .  I believe God brought to my mind using the Harley as collateral since I have NOTHING to my name, and need a vehicle, home, etc... .if/when I leave... .  I fine-tuned my search on Craigslist to people wanting to trade their vehicle for a Harley.  Today, I looked at a 2003 Chrysler Sebring that the owners are willing to add $1500 cash too, in trade for my bike.  Slight guilt over considering getting rid of something uBPDh bought me as a gift... .I'm inviting your thoughts... .50% of me is working hard trying to free us from this dark cloud of negativity/anger/chaos/strife... .and 50% of me is feeling horrified, scared, guilty, etc... . 

Any wise words appreciated... .I need $3040 to move in by Monday (and probably another $1000 to hook up electric, etc... .).  If I do the car deal I'll have $1500.  Praying for the rest.  Asking God to make very very clear either to stay or take this leap off a very real cliff... .

[KateCat]

You will no doubt have much to mourn following separation, and the Harley will be one more thing to grieve, but I think you sound like one of the least confused folks on this forum. And get the sense that you are truly turning a page and understand the need to release the things of the old life in favor of the practicalities and independence of the new life.

Even though I can see this great Harley in my mind's eye, I say swap it for the car.

A home, a vehicle. It sounds as though you are well on your way. Good going!

ETA: Oh, one other thought. Isn't it interesting that the two brothers are following their instinct when choosing to rent to you. It might be fascinating to see how it all turns out if you follow yours too in as many decisions just now as possible.

[rg1976]

When building a life for yourself and children, practical concerns should be placed before other things.

A motorcycle isn't practical for transportation of children.

Swap it, move, do what you have to do.  Get yourself into a new place and rebuild from there.

[Harri]

Good for you for taking such positive steps toward taking care of you!   

I agree about trading the Harley.  It would be very hard to ride with two kids hanging off the back of it!     As a gift, the bike belongs to you so no guilt!  (though I totally understand).

Are you in a position to be able to do yard work or something like that to use as payment for the landlords? 

As for feeling scared about this move, I think that is totally normal.  It is a big move but you seem to know it is the right move for you and the kids.  Being scared/nervous is okay... .do what you have to do anyway!   

I will be sending you positive vibes and energy!  Keep us posted. 

[Compassion14]

Hiya,

Thanks for your personal message. I haven't had a chance to reply to it yet, however I think I can convey how I feel about your journey ahead here... .go for it! Trade in the bike, don't feel any guilt and start mapping out that future that you can already feel in your bones.

You sound so excited about what lies ahead, and rightly so. It is calm, peaceful freedom.

I am praying for you and your children.

My exBPD boyfriend was very good with my young daughter. They had a lovely bond - he seemed so at ease playing wee games with her... .but the stress he brought to the house generally was highly damaging, and my daughter had begun to notice it, much as I tried to shield her from it.

I worried that my daughter would miss him, since he had been so hands on with her... .and she did ask after him initially, but hasn't asked for him in 2 weeks now... .she seems calm and happy and we are having quality time together so easily now that I had had to work so hard to ensure while spinning the plates of his every changing, all consuming rages and insecurities.

A new start with your offspring will fill your heart with joy.

Compassion14

[topknot]

Go for it, girlfriend,  and don't look back. I was in a similar situation,  prayed every morning, and took the big leap.  People have literally come out of the wood work to be there for me, each in their own unique way. Yes, on a wing and a prayer, but I am driving this bus now, thank God... You will be fine - dump the Harley,  and on to so many better things in this world... .

[thereishope]

I want to say you guys just don't know how much your responses mean to me right now... .but I believe you probably actually DO know.  I am confident you all have very good reasons to be able to understand these feelings I'm having and I have to say without this message board, I don't think I have anyone else in my life right now who can truly understand any of it.  I feel very alone, and like I'm possibly fighting for my life, albeit half-heartedly.  Half of me wants to just "do the easy thing" and stop making these crazy decisions and just dive into the "embrace" of my uBPDh, in times of him splitting white, but with the black splitting also a reality, that really ISN'T an "EMBRACE", is it?... .  This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through... .Your kind words and words of encouragement are like a very real lifeline right this second, and I want to say a big THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart.   

[Rifka]

I want to say you guys just don't know how much your responses mean to me right now... .but I believe you probably actually DO know.  I am confident you all have very good reasons to be able to understand these feelings I'm having and I have to say without this message board, I don't think I have anyone else in my life right now who can truly understand any of it.  I feel very alone, and like I'm possibly fighting for my life, albeit half-heartedly.  Half of me wants to just "do the easy thing" and stop making these crazy decisions and just dive into the "embrace" of my uBPDh, in times of him splitting white, but with the black splitting also a reality, that really ISN'T an "EMBRACE", is it?... .  This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through... .Your kind words and words of encouragement are like a very real lifeline right this second, and I want to say a big THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart.   

You are doing great! I agree trade the Harley and move forward! When you have life settled buy another one as a gift to yourself if need be!

You are doing fantastic and taking your life in your own hands!

Congrats to you! Move forward not backwards!

We are all in control of us!

Yes there is hope because you are giving it to yourself!

Rifka

[hope4tomorrow]

I'm proud of you ThereIsHope, and happy for you!  I agree, trade it and keep moving forward. 

[thereishope]

Having a hard time sticking to my guns... .I believe that being loving and forgiving is the right thing to do, especially being a Christian... .I feel like I want to leave WHEN a splitting black time is happening because it is only in those moments that I feel justified doing so.  When he is acting fine and nice and ok, I can't support my own feelings ... .I'm so very tired.  In addition to my kids questioning me a little now because previous few recycles have had them "lose hope" in things being different, and they've submitted themselves to the situation, plus, in spite of his volatile personality, uBPDh provides very well for them with material things... .I feel very alone this morning.  I really have no one to help me with this decision but myself and it feels horrible... .I HAVE to decide today about the car.  The rental house is a bust because I don't have the deposit.  My next thought is buying a cheap RV until I can build up rent.  I need prayer and encouragement if anyone is so led... .Thank you guys for being here... .

[thereishope]

One thing that is making it take a little longer to leave I think is "stuff".  Although I am ok with leaving without anything at all, I on the other hand am trying to figure out what things to take, a few books, my kids' stuff, etc... ..and how to work everything out so that when I leave I never have to come back here.  I'm so tired.  Maybe I'm wrong to begin with ... .problem is I'm trying to judge the right direction by where I have peace... .and right now I don't have peace in ANY direction... .

[topknot]

Thereishope, have you tried on Craigslist the category "housing wanted?" You can post what you require, but people also put on there if they need a tenant in a special situation,  etc. Just a thought

[thereishope]

Thereishope, have you tried on Craigslist the category "housing wanted?" You can post what you require, but people also put on there if they need a tenant in a special situation,  etc. Just a thought

On CL right now... .  Thank you for the suggestion! 

[hope4tomorrow]

You need to listen to your gut.  If you have doubts, you will likely recycle.  I am in the exact same place right now, uBPDh is in "super sweet" mode and although I am meeting with the lawyer this week and planned to start things moving, now I am having a hard time sticking to my guns.  I think it is natural to want to forgive and believe the best in people.  I am finding comfort in my own decision by looking at the patterns in our relationship and believing/knowing that this is just a phase and it will not last.  Knowing we've been here before, several times.  But its still hard.

Like I said listen to your gut or as my T calls it your "wise mind."  I tend to let the emotions take over and control the decision and that's not always healthy. 

[Rifka]

Having a hard time sticking to my guns... .I believe that being loving and forgiving is the right thing to do, especially being a Christian... .I feel like I want to leave WHEN a splitting black time is happening because it is only in those moments that I feel justified doing so.  When he is acting fine and nice and ok, I can't support my own feelings ... .I'm so very tired.  In addition to my kids questioning me a little now because previous few recycles have had them "lose hope" in things being different, and they've submitted themselves to the situation, plus, in spite of his volatile personality, uBPDh provides very well for them with material things... .I feel very alone this morning.  I really have no one to help me with this decision but myself and it feels horrible... .I HAVE to decide today about the car.  The rental house is a bust because I don't have the deposit.  My next thought is buying a cheap RV until I can build up rent.  I need prayer and encouragement if anyone is so led... .Thank you guys for being here... .

There is hope,

Please understand that children need stability, love, peace in their lives and good role models.

Material things mean nothing!

The seemingly easiest road is not always the best. What about you and your future or your children's mental well being.

Your faith is strong as are your values . The problem is that BPD has no values or faith and plays by a whole different set of rules.

I am not judging you in anyway and everybody here will support you. We all know different variations of the same problems dealing with BPD.

You and only you can make your choices and decisions.

Can anybody temporarily loan you the money to move forward?

You sound like you are not sure about what you want to do right now.

Is there anything healthy that can happen if you stay?

Staying in this environment can definitely be confusing and foggy to our brains.

It's much easier to see things clearly when you have the ability to step away from the situation.

I PERSONALLY HAVE NEVER BEEN CLEARER IN MY LIFE AS I AM TODAY!

I wish you and your children peace in your life. It's up to you and only you to make the choices.

I have so much strength, so I would like to rub some off to you!

Rifka

[thereishope]

You need to listen to your gut.  If you have doubts, you will likely recycle.  I am in the exact same place right now, uBPDh is in "super sweet" mode and although I am meeting with the lawyer this week and planned to start things moving, now I am having a hard time sticking to my guns.  I think it is natural to want to forgive and believe the best in people.  I am finding comfort in my own decision by looking at the patterns in our relationship and believing/knowing that this is just a phase and it will not last.  Knowing we've been here before, several times.  But its still hard.

Like I said listen to your gut or as my T calls it your "wise mind."  I tend to let the emotions take over and control the decision and that's not always healthy. 

Yes emotions are having their way with me... .The hard part is the process of trying to get things ready to go... .figuring out what to take, etc... .and being here... .with days of uBPDh being nice.  I know the only way I can leave is at a time when he is splitting black, but I'm trying to get everything ready to do so... .This is soo hard.  I want to give up and bury my head in the sand and in his arms... .but in the long run is that what's best? 

[thereishope]

You need to listen to your gut.  If you have doubts, you will likely recycle.  I am in the exact same place right now, uBPDh is in "super sweet" mode and although I am meeting with the lawyer this week and planned to start things moving, now I am having a hard time sticking to my guns.  I think it is natural to want to forgive and believe the best in people.  I am finding comfort in my own decision by looking at the patterns in our relationship and believing/knowing that this is just a phase and it will not last.  Knowing we've been here before, several times.  But its still hard.

Like I said listen to your gut or as my T calls it your "wise mind."  I tend to let the emotions take over and control the decision and that's not always healthy. 

How are you doing?  I feel like I'm going crazy(er)... .Last few days uBPDh has cooked, cleaned, been kinder, etc... .although, there are still black, devaluing, ordering-around times,... .they continue killing me softly, while I continue dismissing them and seeing the good stuff he is doing... .Like maybe he is changing... .becoming more godly, seeking God more... .He actually prayed with me last night for a guy on his game, thanking God that we're getting God's Word out there, and that it is "because of the woman sitting next to me"... .I just cried... .I have been packing up stuff around him, secretly, etc... .I am honestly second guessing everything I'm thinking and doing and am so tired.  Why did he have to be so mean and so cruel?  It ruined something inside of me so that now I can't see anything accurately... .Sorry to ramble... .Just so confused... .Or am I?  :/

[thereishope]

Having a hard time sticking to my guns... .I believe that being loving and forgiving is the right thing to do, especially being a Christian... .I feel like I want to leave WHEN a splitting black time is happening because it is only in those moments that I feel justified doing so.  When he is acting fine and nice and ok, I can't support my own feelings ... .I'm so very tired.  In addition to my kids questioning me a little now because previous few recycles have had them "lose hope" in things being different, and they've submitted themselves to the situation, plus, in spite of his volatile personality, uBPDh provides very well for them with material things... .I feel very alone this morning.  I really have no one to help me with this decision but myself and it feels horrible... .I HAVE to decide today about the car.  The rental house is a bust because I don't have the deposit.  My next thought is buying a cheap RV until I can build up rent.  I need prayer and encouragement if anyone is so led... .Thank you guys for being here... .

There is hope,

Please understand that children need stability, love, peace in their lives and good role models.

Material things mean nothing!

The seemingly easiest road is not always the best. What about you and your future or your children's mental well being.

Your faith is strong as are your values . The problem is that BPD has no values or faith and plays by a whole different set of rules.

I am not judging you in anyway and everybody here will support you. We all know different variations of the same problems dealing with BPD.

You and only you can make your choices and decisions.

Can anybody temporarily loan you the money to move forward?

You sound like you are not sure about what you want to do right now.

Is there anything healthy that can happen if you stay?

Staying in this environment can definitely be confusing and foggy to our brains.

It's much easier to see things clearly when you have the ability to step away from the situation.

I PERSONALLY HAVE NEVER BEEN CLEARER IN MY LIFE AS I AM TODAY!

I wish you and your children peace in your life. It's up to you and only you to make the choices.

I have so much strength, so I would like to rub some off to you!

Rifka

Thank you, Rifka... .I really need that strength right now... .  Very confused... .Only a few words come to mind, "I'm not ok".  Is it me?  Is there simply something wrong inside myself, outside of this situation?  Or is it as I perceive... .that "I'm not ok HERE"... .That is my gut, but I "see" good things happening with uBPDh some of the time that makes me doubt myself... .Ugh.