My mom BPD?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I married someone recently diagnosed with BPD and NPD, for 14 years. I separated from her 7 months ago, and I have delved into my issues, mostly co-dependence and anxiety.

I have realised that I learned this role growing up in a home where my mum acted out in emotionally abusive ways.

I'm angry, that it happened, and angry that I chose a wife who is very similar.

I'm not willing to put up with this stuff any more.

I have put in boundaries,

I work on myself and my anxiety and co-dep issues,

I'm starting to feel like myself again.

I don't like long drawn our recovery processes. Though I am embarking on that journey anyway. How I change this around quicker without divorcing my spouse? I don;t believe in silver bullets, but I do believe some things will help the change happen faster than others. What are they?

Find healthy friends?

Be myself more?

[Moselle]

I married someone recently diagnosed with BPD and NPD, for 14 years. I separated from her 7 months ago, and I have delved into my issues, mostly co-dependence and anxiety.

I have realised that I learned this role growing up in a home where my mum acted out in emotionally abusive ways.

I'm angry, that it happened, and angry that I chose a wife who is very similar.

I'm not willing to put up with this stuff any more.

I have put in boundaries,

I work on myself and my anxiety and co-dep issues,

I'm starting to feel like myself again.

I don't like long drawn our recovery processes. Though I am embarking on that journey anyway. How I change this around quicker without divorcing my spouse? I don;t believe in silver bullets, but I do believe some things will help the change happen faster than others. What are they?

Find healthy friends?

Be myself more?

[jdtm]

How I change this around quicker without divorcing my spouse?

Depends on how much you wish to "put up with".  Frankly, a totally new start would not include your wife.  She is not going to change - you were the one who stated

I'm not willing to put up with this stuff any more

- so think long and hard about it.

Sometimes the "fast" way is not the best way.  Sometimes the "fast" way is the best way.  I guess what I am trying to say is that if you stay married to your wife, then BPD and (using your words) "emotionally abusive ways" will be a part of your life.  There are ways to "lessen" the effect and ways to "protect" yourself, but you will be required to "put up with some of this stuff".

I hope you are seeing a therapist or at least able to talk this through with someone far more knowledgeable of your situation.  Sometimes, one has to chose the "lesser of two evils" and only you can make that decision.  I wish you the best ... .

[Kwamina]

Hi Moselle  

Welcome to coping and healing. You've already been around here for a while but I believe this is your first post on this board. I understand your anger about how you grew up with your mom but remember that you were just a child and that it wasn't your fault. Your mother was the adult and not you but unfortunately she was emotionally unstable and abusive to you and wasn't the mother that you needed. I know what it's like, I was raised by an uBPD mother myself and her verbal and emotional abuse was very hurtful. It often felt like I was living in a psychological warzone. It's good that you've reached a point that you say enough is enough and that it's time to put yourself first now. You say you're not willing to put up with this stuff anymore and I think you're absolutely right, you deserve better than to be constantly subjected to abuse.

As you try to move on and heal, my advice would be to not be too hard on yourself and try to be a little bit more accepting of any mistakes or wrong choices you might have made. You're angry because you chose a wife who you now realize is similar to your mother but when you're raised in a certain way and that's all you know, it's (unfortunately) highly likely that you'll end up seeking the exact same thing that you experienced before. Not because you really like it, but because it feels familiar, it's what you know and in a way are most comfortable with. Many of the members who start out on this board realize how being raised by a BPD parent has also influenced their other relationship choices. And vice versa many members with BPD partners at one point or another often come to the conclusion that there were certain things going on in their own childhood that weren't quite right either. I started out on coping and healing because of my BPD relatives but after a while I became more and more aware of how I actually seemed to be drawn to friends who basically exhibited several BPD characteristics as well. At least now we're aware of these dynamics and can start working on them.

[borderdude]

My mother ticks off boxes in the bipolar and BPD camps, more bipolar I think, she committed suicide in the early 90's, after several attempts.

I have always been , attracted to crazy women , not being able to detect all red lights in the initiating phase as "red"

I have a ability to read other people almost like psychic, developed that ability to survive, as I always had to scan my mothers different states as they progressed from normal to crazy.

She projected negative properties on me, she also used to project her hatred towards my father into me (witch she hated big deal).

She got her depressive mood periods, they could last for a week+ , she could go from extreme angry to calm in a second.

She never took self critique, or responsibility for her own actions.

[Moselle]

I hope you are seeing a therapist or at least able to talk this through with someone far more knowledgeable of your situation.  Sometimes, one has to chose the "lesser of two evils" and only you can make that decision.  I wish you the best ... .

Thanks jdtm. I'm so sad that 14 years and 3 children into my marriage, I find myself needing to choose the lesser of two evils. I am grappling with that decision, but I feel that I can make it on my own terms. I find conventional wisdom does not apply in cases of serious mental illness, and I'm afraid my wisdom is still far too conventional :-). I am seeing a therapist, a very good one - thank you.

There are ways to "lessen" the effect and ways to "protect" yourself, but you will be required to "put up with some of this stuff".

Eish, I've gone cold turkey on it, and I'm not that keen on injecting myself again even in small doses.

Hi Moselle  

Welcome to coping and healing. You've already been around here for a while but I believe this is your first post on this board. I understand your anger about how you grew up with your mom but remember that you were just a child and that it wasn't your fault. Your mother was the adult and not you but unfortunately she was emotionally unstable and abusive to you and wasn't the mother that you needed. I know what it's like, I was raised by an uBPD mother myself and her verbal and emotional abuse was very hurtful. It often felt like I was living in a psychological warzone.

Thank you for the warm welcome . It is indeed my first post here. What you said about my mom is spot on. I had not really thought of it as abuse, but dealing with this nonsense as an adult is painful enough. I can see that I had to survive it and I have developed some level of co-dependence as a coping mechanism. I'm guessing that it placated my mom if I enmeshed with her, listened to her, and generally remained in the abuse. What options did I have? :-(. OK I do have options now and I'm exercising them.

As you try to move on and heal, my advice would be to not be too hard on yourself and try to be a little bit more accepting of any mistakes or wrong choices you might have made. You're angry because you chose a wife who you now realize is similar to your mother but when you're raised in a certain way and that's all you know, it's (unfortunately) highly likely that you'll end up seeking the exact same thing that you experienced before. Not because you really like it, but because it feels familiar, it's what you know and in a way are most comfortable with. Many of the members who start out on this board realize how being raised by a BPD parent has also influenced their other relationship choices.

I feel a bit of shame knowing that I was treated this way twice. I can see both women doing stuff on the quiet to hurt me. Stealth bullying. I know enough that I'm very uncomfortable with it now. It doesn't feel familiar, it feels foreign. I'm aware of it, and a bit hyper sensitive to it.

[Moselle]

My mother ticks off boxes in the bipolar and BPD camps, more bipolar I think, she committed suicide in the early 90's, after several attempts.

I have always been , attracted to crazy women , not being able to detect all red lights in the initiating phase as "red"

I have a ability to read other people almost like psychic, developed that ability to survive, as I always had to scan my mothers different states as they progressed from normal to crazy.

She projected negative properties on me, she also used to project her hatred towards my father into me (witch she hated big deal).

She got her depressive mood periods, they could last for a week+ , she could go from extreme angry to calm in a second.

She never took self critique, or responsibility for her own actions.

Rolfie, that's tough. Sorry to hear. I can empathise with that description, but it sounds devastating. You seem very aware. How have you managed to change the script so to speak, and adapt as an adult?

[Harri]

Hi Moselle and welcome to the other side of BPD Family!

I feel a bit of shame knowing that I was treated this way twice. I can see both women doing stuff on the quiet to hurt me. Stealth bullying. I know enough that I'm very uncomfortable with it now. It doesn't feel familiar, it feels foreign. I'm aware of it, and a bit hyper sensitive to it.

Say no to shame!  You are aware now and you are taking steps to move through it all.  That is very brave and very courageous.

Do I understand correctly that you want to remain married to your wife?  I went back and read a few of your posts to get a better idea of your situation.  You wife is currently in DBT?  You certainly have your hands full, but it sounds like you are more than capable of doing whatever you decide is best.  As you have been here a while, I imagine you already know things like SET and the importance of boundaries and how to set them.  I would suggest reading though 'Surviving a Borderline Parent" and "Understanding the borderline Mother".  Those two books will help you to understand just how damaging your childhood was but can also give you insight and direction on how to help your 3 daughters.  The first book "surviving the Borderline Mother" seems to have more practical information in that there are exercises you can do to help you move through issues.  You might even want to give a copy of the books to your oldest daughter if you think she can handle it after reading it yourself of course.

I am glad you posted here. 

[borderdude]

My mother ticks off boxes in the bipolar and BPD camps, more bipolar I think, she committed suicide in the early 90's, after several attempts.

I have always been , attracted to crazy women , not being able to detect all red lights in the initiating phase as "red"

I have a ability to read other people almost like psychic, developed that ability to survive, as I always had to scan my mothers different states as they progressed from normal to crazy.

She projected negative properties on me, she also used to project her hatred towards my father into me (witch she hated big deal).

She got her depressive mood periods, they could last for a week+ , she could go from extreme angry to calm in a second.

She never took self critique, or responsibility for her own actions.

Rolfie, that's tough. Sorry to hear. I can empathise with that description, but it sounds devastating. You seem very aware. How have you managed to change the script so to speak, and adapt as an adult?

'

Thank you for the interest. I believe myself to have C-PTSD , because of the childhood, wish was accompanied with lots of beating, and sudden mood shift from my mother. I have always been in a "escape" state, run from the danger.

This has slowed down things a bit,  have university education, but I still have a hard time getting engaged in relationships , I sort of do not "believe" long term relationships.


I have encountered some crazy women  (I have attracted them , its my fault) , and not progressed with the healthy ones (my bad), I do find the crazy ones more exiting (heard that before?).

... .so I have some work to do in this area.

[Moselle]

Hi Moselle and welcome to the other side of BPD Family!

Do I understand correctly that you want to remain married to your wife?  I went back and read a few of your posts to get a better idea of your situation.  You wife is currently in DBT?  You certainly have your hands full, but it sounds like you are more than capable of doing whatever you decide is best.  As you have been here a while, I imagine you already know things like SET and the importance of boundaries and how to set them.  I would suggest reading though 'Surviving a Borderline Parent" and "Understanding the borderline Mother".  Those two books will help you to understand just how damaging your childhood was but can also give you insight and direction on how to help your 3 daughters.  The first book "surviving the Borderline Mother" seems to have more practical information in that there are exercises you can do to help you move through issues.  You might even want to give a copy of the books to your oldest daughter if you think she can handle it after reading it yourself of course.

I am glad you posted here.  

Hi Moselle and welcome to the other side of BPD Family!

This makes me feel very welcome here. Thank you!

Do I understand correctly that you want to remain married to your wife?

I'm taking it one day at a time. I have said consistently to her during our 7 month separation that I would like to be friends, and then determine if a romantic relationship is possible. I have put in 14 explicit boundaries and I've become quite good at defending them and withdrawing if I need to. I have (over the last 3 months) practiced my husband skills by doing things to validate her and help her feel emotionally safe and protected. I use SET fairly effectively now too.

You wife is currently in DBT?

She's actually in CBT, but tomorrow I'm going to visit the family for a week, and I am taking a copy of  "conflict couples" by Fruzzetti, which introduces DBT. She has agreed to read it, and I'll spend a bit of time with her going through a few chapters. she admitted to me last week that she is diagnosed BPD and NPD. Which I already knew, but for her to admit it, is a real milestone for her.

Surviving a Borderline Parent" and "Understanding the borderline Mother".  Those two books will help you to understand just how damaging your childhood was but can also give you insight and direction on how to help your 3 daughters.

Thank you, I will order those tonight, and will certainly give them to my oldest to read when I have finished them. My 10 year old is also very switched on, she could probably read them and get it too.

it sounds like you are more than capable of doing whatever you decide is best

Thanks for the vote of confidence I actually feel overwhelmed but I am getting a foothold on my life again, and day by day I get stronger.

I am glad you posted here.

I am too!

[Moselle]

My mother ticks off boxes in the bipolar and BPD camps, more bipolar I think, she committed suicide in the early 90's, after several attempts.

I have always been , attracted to crazy women , not being able to detect all red lights in the initiating phase as "red"

I have a ability to read other people almost like psychic, developed that ability to survive, as I always had to scan my mothers different states as they progressed from normal to crazy.

She projected negative properties on me, she also used to project her hatred towards my father into me (witch she hated big deal).

She got her depressive mood periods, they could last for a week+ , she could go from extreme angry to calm in a second.

She never took self critique, or responsibility for her own actions.

Rolfie, that's tough. Sorry to hear. I can empathise with that description, but it sounds devastating. You seem very aware. How have you managed to change the script so to speak, and adapt as an adult?

'

Thank you for the interest. I believe myself to have C-PTSD , because of the childhood, wish was accompanied with lots of beating, and sudden mood shift from my mother. I have always been in a "escape" state, run from the danger.

This has slowed down things a bit,  have university education, but I still have a hard time getting engaged in relationships , I sort of do not "believe" long term relationships.


I have encountered some crazy women  (I have attracted them , its my fault) , and not progressed with the healthy ones (my bad), I do find the crazy ones more exiting (heard that before?).

... .so I have some work to do in this area.

I have always been in a "escape" state, run from the danger.

I recognise this in me too. When it gets hairy. Run. And I have run all over the world LOL.

I have encountered some crazy women  (I have attracted them , its my fault) , and not progressed with the healthy ones (my bad), I do find the crazy ones more exiting (heard that before?).

I have heard of that too! It's me :-) Except I married one of the healthy ones, only to find out that she was just a mirrored reflection, and she was very very unhealthy. BPD and NPD together. Believe me, that is a very unhealthy combination