Keeping my calm in the storm

[qcarolr]

We all have lived in the chaos of loving our child with BPD. Over the past 5 years I have struggled with moving past survival in my own life. Here is one way I have moved toward thriving, regardless of the chaos DD28 creates around me and my family. I also need to persevere in this struggle to be a better parent for my gd9.

My first step is found in "Foundation Reading"   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56210.0. Buy a book to guide you into better understanding and practices. Watch the videos to see and hear how the basic skills work. Keep coming back to share your story and reach out for help and support. There are many here who have been standing in your shoes. We each can move from surviving to thriving.  

Every new parenting member can benefit from this link. And old ones too - refreshers are valuable as the journey is the most important part. There really is no 'destination' with BPD. There are always cycles up and down depending on the experiences one is having day to day. My hope and prayer is that with training in the tools and skills I will be in better control of myself - values/boundaries/validation all done from a well of loving compassion. My DD has gradually responded with greater trust when my responses to her are more consistent, matching her intensity and my being less emotionally triggered by her actions and attitudes.

I can only have control over myself. I have to practice daily my self-care routines. I have to daily let go of expectations and judgments about DD. I practice daily radical acceptance of the realities of BPD - DD will be who she is, do what she does, experience the impacts of her choices. I can be there to love her, comfort her, cushion her feelings of rejection and abandonment to the best of my ability - then let it go. How she responds is unpredictable. When I am stable and able to do the above there is so much less impact on my day.

This experience is different with adolescents than with our adult children. DD is now 28 and my experience with her: she shifted out of adolescence after her 25th birthday. She took some initial baby steps toward accepting her part in the chaos of her life. When she is taking her anxiety meds. and not using drugs she gains some self-reflective abilities. Each cycle of being more stable she reaches a higher point in this acceptance of responsibility for herself.

I can ride the waves better and keep my head above water. My spot in the ocean is calmer most days even when DD's turmoil is crashing around me. I can find peace and rest as I reach out my hand to DD. It is up to her to take my hand. This is my hope and prayer all day long. It comes from Matthew 14:22-33 when Jesus calls Peter to walk on water with him as interpreted in the song "OCEANS (My Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong United. This is my strength and courage to keep on loving DD no matter what.

You each can reach into the beliefs and values you hold to find the strength, courage and perseverance needed in your life. I hope some of you are able to reply with areas you need help with and what is working for you.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Yes, I'm also curious about others' struggles, and their successes, and how they've dealt with them. My own son's BPD diagnosis didn't come till his flame-out early last year, when he was 36 years old. Since his teen years (when his ADD and Clinical Depression problems--all undiagnosed till he was almost 21--blossomed to what is now known was BPD), I danced as fast as I could to contain his symptoms and behaviors. I now know that I enabled a lot of it, but I really believed I was just being a "good mother". My greatest fears were him becoming a drug addict, getting some sort of terrible disease, and/or getting arrested and ending up in jail. I actually lived in constant fear of these things for at least 16 years  

Oddly enough, my always being there for him and running interception actually did not prevent anything: He ended up with a multi-year Heroin addiction, contracted Hepatitis C, but at least I kept him out of jail. Until February 2013, when my Husband and I were gone for 3 weeks in Florida on our annual vacation. My son ended up living the trauma I most feared, and lived in terror of: He got arrested for possession and spent several hours in jail till he was let go. He had a serious Suicidal Ideation the very next morning, and because my H and I weren't there to "save" him, my non-BPD son got hold of 911 and had BPD son taken to the Psych Ward of our local hospital.

Turns out, this is what saved his life! The Psyche Ward released him to the 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program where he was diagnosed with BPD, treated with intensive DBT and many other Therapies, and sent home with paperwork for me that included the name of this website. The information in the link in the post above is what has helped me learn how not to "save" him anymore (but be a support system for him instead), how to detach myself from his troubles enough to be able to react to him with empathy and a wiser mind, and how to take care of my own well-being as more than just a mother of a son with BPD.  

He is still in his Therapies, and on his meds, and in recovery. And his recovery is going well... .And I still need to keep all of the communication tools and techniques (found in the links to the right-hand side of this page) in my consciousness at all times  



Here's some information from the link qcarolr gave in her post:

Books:

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder   - Top Pick

- Shari Manning.Ph.D. [Click Here]

Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents

- Blaise A. Aguirre, MD [Click Here]

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder

~Valerie Porr, MA [Click Here]

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder

- Randi Kreger [Click Here]


Free stuff:

Video: Tools to Reduce Conflict

- bpdfamily staff [Click Here]

Video: Tools to Become more empathetic toward the pwBPD in our life

- bpdfamily staff [Click Here]

Video: Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents

- Blaise A. Aguirre, MD New [Click Here]

Video: Validation -- encouraging peace in a "BPD" family

- Alan Fruzzetti, Ph.D. [Click Here]

Book: Understanding and Treating BPD: A Guide for Professionals and Families

- John G. Gunderson MD [Click Here]

[lever.]

I can only have control over myself. I have to practice daily my self-care routines. I have to daily let go of expectations and judgments about DD. I practice daily radical acceptance of the realities of BPD - DD will be who she is, do what she does, experience the impacts of her choices. I can be there to love her, comfort her, cushion her feelings of rejection and abandonment to the best of my ability - then let it go. How she responds is unpredictable. When I am stable and able to do the above there is so much less impact on my day

This is so helpful for me to read qcr and is what I need to work on. If I can work on getting myself to a place of more calm and acceptance I will be able to use the information I am learning on here so much more easily.

[pessim-optimist]

The above examples are all wonderful reminders!

Our journey towards recovery started when we finally realized that we were completely exhausted and realized that our 'helping' wasn't really helping any more, and so, we simply and unceremoniously gave up and quit.

Only when we got out of the whirlpool and for the first time after a long time came up for a breath of fresh air, so to speak, did we realize that we had been drowning for a long time.

What felt like a capitulation at first, came to be the best thing we could have done. When we created some distance and finally got our bearings, and started questioning 'what in the world has been happening?', we

we stumbled upon the Stop Walking on Eggshells book by pure chance, or that's what it seemed - I believe everything happens for a purpose. And we discovered that our struggles had a name!

About a year later, when I joined this forum, we had learned enough for us to know that we can't be jumping back into that same whirlpool with my step-daughter in order to help her. We now know that in order to be able to function and see things for what they are, we need to keep our heads clear and a safe distance - we need to keep ourselves protected and insulated to a degree that allows us to help, yet doesn't destroy us.

So, when I joined this forum, I chose a motto to remind myself and to offer hope to others: "Creating a safe haven in the storm" - because w/BPD, there's always a possibility of a storm just around the corner. It's good to be prepared.

This thread really speaks to my heart!

Sometimes we progress through failure, and that's ok.

What's your story? How do you keep calm in the storm?